i am in love with you
s
   i
      n
          k
              i
                  n
                      g
like my feet are in quicksand
              and here i am
              completely and willingly
              giving myself to you
even with the knowledge that
you could break my heart
               the scary thing about it;
               i don't mind at all

maybe you dont still dream about me
like i do you,
but if you were wondering,
the person in my bed could never
make me feel like you do,
and someday ill come back,
ill come back home to you

why do i have to know what i want, who i want, where i want to be? because at this moment, in this exact moment, all i want is to be free, even if it's not a minute more or less. i just want to rid my head of all the thoughts of you and all the thoughts of him and all the thoughts of her and run til my lungs give out, until they cave in. because right now i'm a mess, a ******* wreck. because right now my back is tired of carrying the weight of this world. because right now, in this exact moment, i wish i could run and never look back.

i couldn't cry when you left
i mean i tried
but i just couldn't
and i think it's because i'm not sad
not this time
because our time was minimal
but it was memorable
*short but sweet

someday,
i'll wake up and be glad i did.

tell me this is hard for you too

tell me you don't want me to go
please
beg me to stay

pull my hand as i leave
tell me you won't last a day
i promise then
i won't walk away

revise: to make changes to an original work**
this is where i went wrong, i admit, because you never needed me to "fix you," you never needed me at all. and loving you from afar has shown me, in all your imperfections, you have always been perfect exactly the way you are

maybe we don't talk as much
or sleep together every night anymore
but you still call me baby
and that's enough for me

i never understood what it felt
like to be at home, until you held
me in your arms. and my love,
*i am homesick.

you were the most beautiful
thing in my life, and the only
thing i'll ever regret letting die

don't write good things about me,
please don't write about me at all,
because i cant promise you ill write
beautiful things for you, and im sorry
i cant even promise ill stick around.

at least i know
you are finally happy

i can stop thinking about you now

maybe by the morning
i will think of you one more time

and hopefully by the morning
ill forget

i saw a girl who looked lifeless
painted behind bars,
i've never met the artist,
but i wonder how they knew to paint me

lately i'm not sure where my head is
one morning i miss you
the next i'm waking up to someone new
but one thing is for sure
my heart remains with you though
always with you

for the first time tonight, i danced..
i dont mean like i usually do every monday-sunday, i mean like i do when you sit on my bed and watch me, music loud enough that the neighbors could hear, and our eyes on each other.
for the first time tonight, i felt..
fifteen people in the room and all i could think of was you. i felt the music, like you used to tell me. i imagined you, like i always seem to do before i perform. and ill admit, i cried, because my body knows, my heart knows, you are supposed to be here.
for the first time tonight, i accepted..
things are different now, but i hope you are still happy. things are different now, but i still love you just as much, if not more.

it's below 50 outside im sure, and i've come
to find that not a jacket or my bedsheets can
keep me quite as warm as your arms.

for so long i fought to protect you from
the world, to hold your hand every time it
stretched its out for yours, but i realize now
i failed miserably.
not because i didnt try, not because i
wouldnt have given myself up for your
sake, but because you needed to be
saved from yourself.
i realize now that i can no longer save
you, and baby im sorry i let you down.
im sorry, im sorry, im so ******* sorry.
im sorry and i know i keep saying it, but
it's all i know how to say anymore.
every time i look down at my hands
all i see is your name written in all the connecting lines of my palms, so i shut my eyes.
but that never mattered.
i still see you.
in every ******* thing.
if im still enough i can still feel your
arms around me, when my body grows
lonely and yearns for connection.  
out of all the people i could have loved,
i made my mind up to love you, to
become one, with you.
and i hope someday that makes
you feel enough.

i bought something today. not because i wanted it, but because i knew you would. it's been awhile since ive seen you, and lately ive found myself doing anything to be closer to you.

like the leaves falling from the trees, baby im here falling apart. i looked for you in every place you told me you loved me, but i found nothing but broken promises and memories you didn't bother to take with you. winters come, and like the seasons, you changed too.

i don't know what the hell
is wrong with me
it's been months since ive taken a pill
or consumed enough alcohol
to make myself sick
and yet here i am wishing for both

i used to want a daughter whose cheeks would be flushed whenever she played too hard or got too warm, roselyn, rosey for short, and this idea was my favorite, until we broke up and you kissed a girl with flushed cheeks, who also happened to be my best friend. i used to love my short hair and the way it curled up after showers, something in me even thought about cutting it shorter, until you told a girl with straight hair, a girl with long hair, that hers was beautiful, "af." i used to like that chinnese restaurant downtown, until i walked in while you were "working" and saw you with your ex. i used to want to take you to every school dance with me, until one day i got the courage to ask and you told me they weren't really your thing. i used to think that when i started driving, id bring you lunch, and occasionally surprise you with your favorite things on your doorstep, until i realized i wasnt the only girl who also thought this was a cute idea, and beat me to it. i used to think i was special because i knew all your secrets, at least i thought, and you let me in while you shut everyone out, until i realized "everyone" eventually became me too.

i'm trying not to feel so sad
and be so negative
and pessimistic
because every day you remind me
i am loved and i am wanted
but i'm not the first girl
you've promised forever
so what if
i'm not the last?

im sorry i talk too fast and too much when i start getting overwhelmed and upset. it's how i keep from crying. im sorry i run away without saying anything, for not giving any reason why, when we fight. ive always been the one to be left so i taught myself to leave before anyone gets the chance to again. im sorry i constantly ask so many questions and worry about you all the time. ive always been better at taking care of other people rather than myself. im sorry i cant be better, im sorry i wasnt better, im sorry.

i'm stuck between doing what's best for me, and doing what's best for us. and either way, in the end, i know my heart will hurt.

i remember the night we drove ten over the speed limit to make it to starbucks before it closed, because coffee always sounded better at 11 at night with you. and the mornings we woke up a little earlier than usually to grab breakfast before school, or sneak away to have lunch together. i remember the first time i skipped school to spend just one more hour with you, and all the times i ran late to practice because "five more minutes" was always so **** worth it. the memories run through my veins and i wish it was codeine because at least when im asleep i forget you arent mine. and i remember the last time i kissed you, but i think we forgot to say our goodbyes...

i'm okay with the silence that fills the air when we walk past each other now, and the half empty smiles shared amongst us when we both are walking in through the same door.
i'm okay with not wondering what you're doing, or if it's her you're missing, or why you can't sleep. i realize now that your curiosity only runs as far as my brastrap and *******, and once your fingers found my skin, my magic disappeared.

so for that i apologize. i take full responsibility. but i no longer have to settle and i no longer am allowing you to have power over me.

you don't get to make me feel worthless and full of emptiness. you aren't allowed to steal my purity, even if you stole it elsewhere. i am not used, i am not broken, and i promise you
i will continue to live.
you don't get to call at midnight when you miss her and need me. you aren't allowed to come in my heart when it's convienent for you and pluck the growth from me. i know you despise to see me move on, to see me let go, so i'll do just that because i realize now
**i am worth it, and i deserve so much more.

love burns the fire in your chest
while burning your insides to ash,
though this is the best part. (i think)

I told you I couldn't do it anymore
you and I
I told you I needed space
to breathe
to find myself
when I should've just told you
im not ready
somedays I question if ill ever be ready
if I was meant for a life full of
ordering take out and cuddling on the couch
pulling each other closer at three in the morning
kisses to start off the day and begging for five more minutes
a life of love
a life full of everything you've given me
somedays I question if ill ever deserve you
and then I realize my heart will never settle
no matter how much I want to for you
for us
for the beautiful life we created
in between midnight and sunrise
I told you I couldn't do it anymore
yet I can't stop replaying every moment our lips collided and every fight that led to makeup *** and promises
I guess the truth I won't admit is
I miss you
I miss you every single time I open my eyes for the day
and every night I fall asleep without you
I told you I couldn't do it anymore
when I should've just told you
I don't know where my heart is anymore
but in everything I do
it searches for you

i don't think im in love again,
but i kiss with my eyes closed now,
and i think that's a start.

im sorry im "one of those girls" who feels more confident and comfortable in all her makeup. im sorry i can't always tell you what's on my mind, and most of the time i wont, and have a problem with fulling being all in. trust has never came easy for me, and people have always let me down, so im sorry somedays ill be distant and have no explanation as to why. im sorry i fall asleep during long car rides, and sometimes sing too loud when you are having a bad day and just want silence. im sorry i worry about absolutely everything and sometimes, a lot of times, make a problem out of nothing just because my anxiety is that bad. im sorry when we go around your family or friends i look down or stay on my phone, because im not good with people like you are with everyone. im sorry that when im tired, or hungry, or have had a bad day, i take it out on you. im sorry im so stubborn and hard to get through sometimes, and rarely listen when i need to the most. im sorry i get jealous of your girl friends, or of any girl really, because our time apart showed me that im not the only girl in the world who is ever going to love you, and my biggest fear is losing you too soon, or at all. im sorry im apologizing for all these things, and im hoping each night that you don't wake up one morning and decide to stop loving me, because someday you'll come to the realization that even if i need you, it doesn't mean you need me.