all it took
was for you to look at me
to remind me of all the reasons
why i fell in love

i'm trying not to feel so sad
and be so negative
and pessimistic
because every day you remind me
i am loved and i am wanted
but i'm not the first girl
you've promised forever
so what if
i'm not the last?

i have watched the sun rise and set
in ten different states, and still, i have
found that none are as beautiful as you.

i remember the night we drove ten over the speed limit to make it to starbucks before it closed, because coffee always sounded better at 11 at night with you. and the mornings we woke up a little earlier than usually to grab breakfast before school, or sneak away to have lunch together. i remember the first time i skipped school to spend just one more hour with you, and all the times i ran late to practice because "five more minutes" was always so **** worth it. the memories run through my veins and i wish it was codeine because at least when im asleep i forget you arent mine. and i remember the last time i kissed you, but i think we forgot to say our goodbyes...

I dream of you
I dream of rolling over into your warmth before the sun rises
biting on your lip while I pull at the collar of your shirt

I dream of a little girl
I dream of braiding her hair every day to "be like mommy"
watching her grow and carry my strength
but mostly your tenderness

I dream of bus 17
I dream of the first moment my eyes met yours
I dream of our forever

I dream of being the perfect version of me
I dream of my wandering heart settling into yours
I dream of us
I dream of you

tell me this is hard for you too

tell me you don't want me to go
please
beg me to stay

pull my hand as i leave
tell me you won't last a day
i promise then
i won't walk away

don't write good things about me,
please don't write about me at all,
because i cant promise you ill write
beautiful things for you, and im sorry
i cant even promise ill stick around.

im sorry i jumped. im sorry i woke up one day and found myself being the lover before you were ready, and capable, of loving me.
im sorry i threw myself in, to drown in what i hoped would be, while all you did was swim.
and i realize now that maybe that's where i went wrong in all my past relationships.
maybe that's where i went wrong with you.
you loved me in june, and more in july, but the seasons have changed, and as fall came so did we. fall, to pieces, a part, and now here we are, scrambling to pick up pieces that no longer fit.
im sorry, but it's not like it ever mattered anyways with you.

i can't help but think of exploring your pasture with you. filled with creeks that overran with water, and trees that made everything feel strong. the scraps of trash that made perfect chairs for us to sit and talk about everything that ****** in the world, and everything that we were afraid of. then nothing much mattered.
and i think of your dad, and the tiredness in his voice when he saw me, and tried to get out his best "hello," just for me. i think of the strength he carried within him, the strength he carried to hide the things that hurt him, mostly his own body betraying him, and making each step harder than the one before.  
i can't help but think of the day your parents brought back pan dolce after your dad's doctor appointment. something sweet to **** the sadness. i told you not to let me eat alone, so there we were, like kids in a candy store stuffing our faces. and as you left to the bathroom, i sat alone in your kitchen and searched for something to wipe the crumbs from my mouth, your house being so foreign to me, he saw me. he understood my shyness and laughed. something so simple as a napkin and i felt understood. i saw him. i saw you.
and i think of your eyes, the day you told me how you were scared that soon you'd need to be strong for everyone. i think of the fear in your voice that followed after you confessed to me, "the pills aren't working anymore."
i can't help but think of laying on your couch. your dad across from me watching a show he didn't care much about, but stayed because your mother was next to him. and i think of how much i saw him love her, how much she loved him more, in the short time i got to love you.
and i think of May when you were afraid i'd never come back, when you asked me, "why'd it take you so long?" and something in me understands now that you were right to be afraid, because as your friend i failed to come home when you needed me most.
so today, i couldn't help and hurt, to cry when i saw you from a distance. black from head to toe. and since May, i fianlly saw you. but now i couldn't see him. but i'm trying not to be sad, because how selfish of me to be upset that no longer does each step hurt, and the pills no longer matter.
how lucky i am, to know you.
how lucky i was, to know him.

like the leaves falling from the trees, baby im here falling apart. i looked for you in every place you told me you loved me, but i found nothing but broken promises and memories you didn't bother to take with you. winters come, and like the seasons, you changed too.

i can't stop thinking about you
and when i sleep
all i do is dream about you

i guess
(i know)
i miss you

and now i realize alot of me
depends on a little you

i am in love with you
s
   i
      n
          k
              i
                  n
                      g
like my feet are in quicksand
              and here i am
              completely and willingly
              giving myself to you
even with the knowledge that
you could break my heart
               the scary thing about it;
               i don't mind at all

how do you love me? when tears stream down my face as i tell you "i just want to ******* be done." how do you love me? when it's been almost three years and still i'm not sure of myself. how do you love me when love is somewhere out there looking for *you.

im sorry
im sorry
im sorry
                i know being with me is more
                         trouble than loneliness is

you're holding my hand as we go 90 mph in the pouring rain, and i could care less about anything else right now, i could care less if we even make it or not.

yeah we both ****** up
but my God ive never been so in love

i'm okay with the silence that fills the air when we walk past each other now, and the half empty smiles shared amongst us when we both are walking in through the same door.
i'm okay with not wondering what you're doing, or if it's her you're missing, or why you can't sleep. i realize now that your curiosity only runs as far as my brastrap and *******, and once your fingers found my skin, my magic disappeared.

so for that i apologize. i take full responsibility. but i no longer have to settle and i no longer am allowing you to have power over me.

you don't get to make me feel worthless and full of emptiness. you aren't allowed to steal my purity, even if you stole it elsewhere. i am not used, i am not broken, and i promise you
i will continue to live.
you don't get to call at midnight when you miss her and need me. you aren't allowed to come in my heart when it's convienent for you and pluck the growth from me. i know you despise to see me move on, to see me let go, so i'll do just that because i realize now
**i am worth it, and i deserve so much more.

nothing makes me feel as good
as you cuddled in my neck
being lazy on a wednesday afternoon

i wonder if she sees me in your eyes every time you look at her. i hope she does. i wonder if she can feel me every time you touch her. i hope she does. i wonder if you glance over at her when she's not looking, her there in your passenger seat, and see all the times we drove til we got lost, and promised each other we'd never let go. i hope you do. i hope you see me.

i can't hold you responsible
for kissing my soul when our lips touched, nor for my fall that followed.
i was the one who let you in, even under the circumstances we were in.

but one day i hope you see flowers, look up at the stars, and are reminded of me. i hope you continue to write on pieces of paper you find, and never doubt yourself. i hope one day you are inspired to write about our first hello and last goodbye. write about the marks we faintly left upon each other with every touch, sinning in the most beautiful way. write how at one time you fell too, and did not try to stand up. **write how you tried to love me, how i wanted to love you, but we never could.

revise: to make changes to an original work**
this is where i went wrong, i admit, because you never needed me to "fix you," you never needed me at all. and loving you from afar has shown me, in all your imperfections, you have always been perfect exactly the way you are

it's below 50 outside im sure, and i've come
to find that not a jacket or my bedsheets can
keep me quite as warm as your arms.

i'm only jealous (i think) because your hands turn me on while you're holding my steering wheel.... and when you went on a drive with her, she got to stare at them too.

ive come to realize there just isn't enough hours in the day for me to stare at you, and i wish there was, because my god you're beautiful

you're always so busy. me even busier. seeing you for five, even ten minutes, throughout the day is the only thing ever keeping me going anymore. you being graduated, and me being a year short, makes school somedays unbearable. because i stare at couples and miss holding your hand down the halls too, and the look you used to give me when i beat you to your class to be there when you got out. so when someone asks "why so much? today, yesterday, the day before?..don't you get tired?" that's when i wish their feet could fit in my shoes so they could walk around in them a while. to see and feel all the things i do, to understand the magnitude of your affection. i feel this obligation to explain that i need you. like an addict needs drugs, i need you. like plants need rain, i need you. and of course it's not always beautiful, you and i, but that's what makes it beautiful. that's what makes it worth it.

i used to want you to notice me
i used to let you hurt me
if that meant i got to fall asleep in your arms
i used to want you to love me
i used to let you pick me apart
if that meant you’d stay one more night
but tonight when you called i didn’t answer
in fact i blocked your number
and i think that’s a start

ill leave the door unlocked after you leave
in case you decide to come back