you're always so busy. me even busier. seeing you for five, even ten minutes, throughout the day is the only thing ever keeping me going anymore. you being graduated, and me being a year short, makes school somedays unbearable. because i stare at couples and miss holding your hand down the halls too, and the look you used to give me when i beat you to your class to be there when you got out. so when someone asks "why so much? today, yesterday, the day before?..don't you get tired?" that's when i wish their feet could fit in my shoes so they could walk around in them a while. to see and feel all the things i do, to understand the magnitude of your affection. i feel this obligation to explain that i need you. like an addict needs drugs, i need you. like plants need rain, i need you. and of course it's not always beautiful, you and i, but that's what makes it beautiful. that's what makes it worth it.

you were my first love. my first real love. and i knew that, ive always known that, since the day i laid eyes on you. yours were big, brown, like mine, you were bold and fearless, a heart big enough for two, for us, you were all the things i lacked, and this is what made you the missing piece to my puzzle. a small piece, yeah, but you completed the puzzle, and that was always enough for me. it was you who came along and saved me, it was you who saw me, really saw me, and chose to still stick around. for that i love you, although i chose already to love you forever. seeing you now feels like... space..? i know that may not make sense, but i know that when i think of how i feel that's what comes to mind. i miss you, i genuinely miss you. every day i think of you. i promise ill always love you.

i used to want a daughter whose cheeks would be flushed whenever she played too hard or got too warm, roselyn, rosey for short, and this idea was my favorite, until we broke up and you kissed a girl with flushed cheeks, who also happened to be my best friend. i used to love my short hair and the way it curled up after showers, something in me even thought about cutting it shorter, until you told a girl with straight hair, a girl with long hair, that hers was beautiful, "af." i used to like that chinnese restaurant downtown, until i walked in while you were "working" and saw you with your ex. i used to want to take you to every school dance with me, until one day i got the courage to ask and you told me they weren't really your thing. i used to think that when i started driving, id bring you lunch, and occasionally surprise you with your favorite things on your doorstep, until i realized i wasnt the only girl who also thought this was a cute idea, and beat me to it. i used to think i was special because i knew all your secrets, at least i thought, and you let me in while you shut everyone out, until i realized "everyone" eventually became me too.

im sorry im "one of those girls" who feels more confident and comfortable in all her makeup. im sorry i can't always tell you what's on my mind, and most of the time i wont, and have a problem with fulling being all in. trust has never came easy for me, and people have always let me down, so im sorry somedays ill be distant and have no explanation as to why. im sorry i fall asleep during long car rides, and sometimes sing too loud when you are having a bad day and just want silence. im sorry i worry about absolutely everything and sometimes, a lot of times, make a problem out of nothing just because my anxiety is that bad. im sorry when we go around your family or friends i look down or stay on my phone, because im not good with people like you are with everyone. im sorry that when im tired, or hungry, or have had a bad day, i take it out on you. im sorry im so stubborn and hard to get through sometimes, and rarely listen when i need to the most. im sorry i get jealous of your girl friends, or of any girl really, because our time apart showed me that im not the only girl in the world who is ever going to love you, and my biggest fear is losing you too soon, or at all. im sorry im apologizing for all these things, and im hoping each night that you don't wake up one morning and decide to stop loving me, because someday you'll come to the realization that even if i need you, it doesn't mean you need me.

revise: to make changes to an original work**
this is where i went wrong, i admit, because you never needed me to "fix you," you never needed me at all. and loving you from afar has shown me, in all your imperfections, you have always been perfect exactly the way you are

there comes a point in time when they are no longer your lover, no more than a friend, and it doesn't hit you until you begin to tell them how you forgot again to turn the lights off before bed, or that you saw their mother at the store, and it's then that you realize it's better to bite your tongue and keep moving on.

for so long i have been so depressed about this, and insisted on tucking it away for the rest of my life. and as life has gone on, as it always does and will, i realize now that i could never be happy denying a part of me that i cannot change. and how you reacted when i told you, i can't say i didn't expect. i was more prepared for it this time than the first time, though every time it still hurts just the same, some days more than others. you may think i stayed up all night trying to string together the perfect words, but i didn't. i've stayed up days, weeks, months, trying my hardest to figure out the right thing to say. i have been battling with this for some time now, questioning weather or not it is real, if what im feeling is real. i know, this is like throwing myself out into the ocean with no life saver, and i can either hit or miss this right on the dot. i'm young, so young, and at times can't even decide what i want to eat or wear, but what i do know is that as the days pass i am growing up and learning to figure out what i want in my life, who i want in my life, and where my heart is.
im standing between roads, some made up of all the things ill never be, some made up of all the things i never said, and others paved for me that i never took, and the only thing that's kept me from walking forward, to the road im on now, is what follows after i make this first step. you always taught me to follow my heart, and ive come to realize that this is my road. this is where my journey begins and the rest is still not known, but im prepared. ive made my mind up that this is where im going, this is who i am. and yes i will admit it's scary and it's full of a lot of pain and loneliness and dark moments but what journey isn't. (ive learned that from you.)
ever since i was little i tried to be the picture perfect girl, ever since i was little i was the picture perfect girl, and after the picture was taken and hung on the wall for everyone else i stared back at it and frowned. i am an athlete, i am an excelling student, i am am a sister, an aunt, a daughter, i am ci to some, caroline to others, i am these things. i am not "you like girls," i am not "you like boys," because those things don't define me, because i am not a label, and refuse to be one, not to the world, to my family, the people around me, not anyone. im not asking you for acceptance, but im asking you for understanding. and i know you don't understand either how "i could be this way" but if i can help you understand anything, it's that for once, finally, i am happy.
and i hope that you can understand that this isn’t a phase, and see that i am coming to you now after years of questioning. this wasn't something that i just woke up one morning and decided to feel and claim in my heart. this has took so much of me to think over and make sure i knew what exactly was happening. i don't want you to think that im not the same person after i tell you this. i still have goals of going to college and working hard, and dreams of someday having my own family. i still have self respect and morals you taught me. i just want you to love me. this part of me doesn't have to be discussed at family gatherings or anywhere for that matter, but i wont be ashamed of it anymore. i can say that my heart doesn't limit who or how i love, and for years i couldn’t even admit this conclusion to myself. i always thought that the feelings would eventually go away if i ignored them long enough. i thought that after i met the right guy i could be normal, be all you wanted for myself. but i cant keep faking it, because if i do, i dont know if ill ever make it. i know she has messed up, and i know she has crossed lines at times, and if i sat here i could list a million of her faults, but she's human, she messed up and will again but she is gentle and her intentions are good, and for that i love her. i wouldnt ever say she is perfect, but if we are pointing fingers, what about my mistakes? what about the people around you? your own? i have come to realize that if i hold onto the past i hold on to weight that is just that, weight. it doesnt get me anywhere but back and you've always taught me to be an arrow, always going forward. when it comes to love its not about it being a girl or a guy, its about a person being a person and loving me and treating me how for so long i have waited on. everything about me will be the same after this. the only thing that will change from after you reading this is your knowledge of me. i want you to believe you didn't raise me the wrong way, i wouldn't change how you did raise me, and you shouldn't think there is a thing you would, should, or could change. the only thing im begging is support for all that i am and all im not. you've been by my side for all my years and you deserve to know this part of me, too. no more hiding. i love you with all of my heart, and i hope that one day you'll accept me for who i am.

ive come to realize there just isn't enough hours in the day for me to stare at you, and i wish there was, because my god you're beautiful

you're holding my hand as we go 90 mph in the pouring rain, and i could care less about anything else right now, i could care less if we even make it or not.

im sorry i jumped. im sorry i woke up one day and found myself being the lover before you were ready, and capable, of loving me.
im sorry i threw myself in, to drown in what i hoped would be, while all you did was swim.
and i realize now that maybe that's where i went wrong in all my past relationships.
maybe that's where i went wrong with you.
you loved me in june, and more in july, but the seasons have changed, and as fall came so did we. fall, to pieces, a part, and now here we are, scrambling to pick up pieces that no longer fit.
im sorry, but it's not like it ever mattered anyways with you.

here i am- all in, all yours


and then there's you...

i didnt sleep in today, but still, in everything i did it was inevitable to think about you. i looked in the mirror and saw all the times you wrapped around me from behind, telling me you've never seen anyone like me. i put on my makeup and thought of all the times you asked why i wear it, always finishing with, "you dont need it anyways." i put on a tshirt, my socks, simple things with no significance, and still, i thought of you.

don't write good things about me,
please don't write about me at all,
because i cant promise you ill write
beautiful things for you, and im sorry
i cant even promise ill stick around.

for the first time tonight, i danced..
i dont mean like i usually do every monday-sunday, i mean like i do when you sit on my bed and watch me, music loud enough that the neighbors could hear, and our eyes on each other.
for the first time tonight, i felt..
fifteen people in the room and all i could think of was you. i felt the music, like you used to tell me. i imagined you, like i always seem to do before i perform. and ill admit, i cried, because my body knows, my heart knows, you are supposed to be here.
for the first time tonight, i accepted..
things are different now, but i hope you are still happy. things are different now, but i still love you just as much, if not more.

i wonder if she sees me in your eyes every time you look at her. i hope she does. i wonder if she can feel me every time you touch her. i hope she does. i wonder if you glance over at her when she's not looking, her there in your passenger seat, and see all the times we drove til we got lost, and promised each other we'd never let go. i hope you do. i hope you see me.

im sorry i talk too fast and too much when i start getting overwhelmed and upset. it's how i keep from crying. im sorry i run away without saying anything, for not giving any reason why, when we fight. ive always been the one to be left so i taught myself to leave before anyone gets the chance to again. im sorry i constantly ask so many questions and worry about you all the time. ive always been better at taking care of other people rather than myself. im sorry i cant be better, im sorry i wasnt better, im sorry.

i bought something today. not because i wanted it, but because i knew you would. it's been awhile since ive seen you, and lately ive found myself doing anything to be closer to you.

i remember the night we drove ten over the speed limit to make it to starbucks before it closed, because coffee always sounded better at 11 at night with you. and the mornings we woke up a little earlier than usually to grab breakfast before school, or sneak away to have lunch together. i remember the first time i skipped school to spend just one more hour with you, and all the times i ran late to practice because "five more minutes" was always so **** worth it. the memories run through my veins and i wish it was codeine because at least when im asleep i forget you arent mine. and i remember the last time i kissed you, but i think we forgot to say our goodbyes...

at least i know
you are finally happy

i can stop thinking about you now

maybe by the morning
i will think of you one more time

and hopefully by the morning
ill forget

we promised that when we left this
town we would be leaving together.
i should have known forever meant never.

"tell me to stay one more time, that if by
tomorrow you're gone you'll remember
me by the love we share tonight, tell me
you can't do this alone, that you don't
want to do this alone. tell me you can't
let go either," i begged.
and in your hesitation i found my answers.

for so long i fought to protect you from
the world, to hold your hand every time it
stretched its out for yours, but i realize now
i failed miserably.
not because i didnt try, not because i
wouldnt have given myself up for your
sake, but because you needed to be
saved from yourself.
i realize now that i can no longer save
you, and baby im sorry i let you down.
im sorry, im sorry, im so ******* sorry.
im sorry and i know i keep saying it, but
it's all i know how to say anymore.
every time i look down at my hands
all i see is your name written in all the connecting lines of my palms, so i shut my eyes.
but that never mattered.
i still see you.
in every ******* thing.
if im still enough i can still feel your
arms around me, when my body grows
lonely and yearns for connection.  
out of all the people i could have loved,
i made my mind up to love you, to
become one, with you.
and i hope someday that makes
you feel enough.

like the leaves falling from the trees, baby im here falling apart. i looked for you in every place you told me you loved me, but i found nothing but broken promises and memories you didn't bother to take with you. winters come, and like the seasons, you changed too.

all it took
was for you to look at me
to remind me of all the reasons
why i fell in love

i get these moments of boldness, telling myself i wont let anyone else control my happiness anymore, but then i think of you and how you never showed up that night. i think of you and how you told me all i do is make you miserable, but somehow you couldn't stop having *** with me. i think of you and how you never complimented me when i changed my hair, or noticed when i wore my makeup differently. i think of you and how easy it always was for you to let me go. i get these moments of boldness, telling myself i wont let anyone else control my happiness, but then i think of you.

i wore my best dress tonight, did my makeup how you like it, and even wore those purple ******* you love. but still, you never showed. and the saddest part is, ill try again tomorrow.

i always knew it would be you who i gave myself to, but i never thought i'd let you **** me on your bathroom sink. and when you did, i left my heart there. in between your bed sheets, too. i always wanted fireworks to go off when we kissed, but i only felt the burn.