I almost kissed you
When I saw you
Yesterday
But then my left-over high
Left me
And I remembered
What I most feared-
So I pulled my chapped lips
Away from yours
And rolled over
In the bed of my mind,
Terrified
That I might one day
Unlearn
All the songs
I'd come to know
By heart

As we slept
In each other’s minds
Through the night,
Fearing commitment
Equally as much
As striving for it,
I kissed you
Thinking that maybe
I’d let myself pretend,
Having finally uncorked
That bottle of wine,
All hesitancies
Had disappeared

But I tried to kiss you
Again in the morning,
Thinking
As I think now
That if it may be
Our last chance
I want to take it:
I want to swing dance
Through thunderstorms
And sip our wine
With nothing
But the certainty
Of one another

But you pretended
Not to notice
My eyes meeting yours,
And filled
With all the reservations
That should have been in me,
You averted your gaze
And walked away
(As I still worry
You will one day)
From that surreal bed
Of whispers
And fewer tears

I am afraid of the night.
Of the darkness.
And what that darkness represents.
Inside both me and others.

The demonic, evil creatures
Venture from my inner sanctom,
Wriggle and squirm in the cracks
Only to appear powerful.
Only to lurk in the shadows.

The anger of not knowing the unknown.
What some find thrilling
Causes anxiety.
Controlling. Paralyzing.

It is a fear really.
That carries over into the day.
It's a mask.
That only I wear.

The table sways
The dark abyss that surrounds us
Is only brightened by the light
Of the sixteen candles
Shifting, side to side
The table does not sway
It is the room
For it is living
Breathing, I watch the walls
They breathe as well
These candles which dimly light
This tragedy, start to dim even more
One by one they go out
Each time one goes my heart sinks
My breathing shortens
And when the very last candle is about to dissipate
The room becomes black again and ceases to sway
And a tear rolls down my face
As I collapse
To nothing

I use to be in the closet
I use to go through all these false motions
Feel all these fake emotions
I would put the straight face on
But I would always feel out of place

The closet was where I would pack away all my insecurities.
I would put them in boxes for later so I could look back at the dark memories.
And whenever I felt threaten
I would hide in the closet.

But the walls would sometimes come too closely
I would get claustrophobic
As it suffocated me slowly.

Running out of oxygen, I would pelt the door with my fists to be let out  
I would scream, beg and shout to be let out
And when I finally mustered the strength to cross the threshold
I was shoved back in
I was told that I couldn’t love him
That I should have never been
I love you but I hate your sin.
Time and Time again.

I fought as they shut the door and turned the lock
I was in the closet but this time the new me wanted to be free
The half king, Half queen me wanted some liberty.
I tore the hinges from the closet door off
I tore down the walls and pounded them into dust
And after looking at my beautiful destruction I felt justice

Because the closet is man-made invention
To keep us under control.
The story no one mentions but they know it by heart
So they stay away and not wanting any comprehension.
It’s something they use to stifle us so we won’t make a sound.
Something that will keep our feelings hidden in the background.
So it won’t mess up their “beautifully normal” foreground.

But I say no more

No more should we have to go back to the closet
To where we must feel shame
To where we must bear chains
To where we have many names
To where it gets dies, our flame

The closet must be, no more