It used to be candy and costumes and fun
Now it’s just school and clowns holding guns

I used to dress up and go trick-or-treating
Now I don’t even join the candy eating

I want to go out and never grow up
But now I’m alone. I guess I’m just ******.

My friends are too cool for Halloween
They call me a child. Oh they’re so mean

I just want free candy. It’s not much to ask.
Just walk with me. It’s a simple task.

But no they won’t go. too lazy they say.
Guess no celebrating. Inside i’ll stay.

In the dark
in a stillness
Breath and breeze the only substance

There I stood
or maybe flew
The darkness gave no clue to which

There it was
in that stillness
A great nothing beyond myself

A cold, black
endless nothing
For which I saw myself inside

I'm a living contradiction of human perception
I'm lost in the world, always changing direction.
My will is so weak and the truths never hold
I'll never know all the lies that I've told.

My mind is a dark place in want of perfection
But that's not specified, there's always exceptions.
The only thing I can truly say bold
Is I never decide 'til my heart is sold.

it burns
how warm, how bright
you could not shield yourself from such a light
years away inside the cave
memory of sun tends to fade
the confusion would surely make one afraid
eyes take time to adjust
after so long living only in night
oh what it is to once again have sight
into the fire
in the light is where it stayed
the delight of being set ablaze
the pleasure is worth the pain
even when it's set alight
in it's warmth it feels so right

Years away inside a cave
fades away memories of the sun
emerging is painful and confusing
the eyes take much time to adjust
but into the fire
one would never want to avoid being burned
if it means feeling the light after years of nothing but darkness.

You make me forget the reason I get up in the morning
and put one foot in front of the next
You remind of the reasons i spent so many nights restless
Planning my own death
You need not remind me all the follies I create
Once is quite enough
How many times must you put me down
I already have it rough
You need not tell me how lowly I am
I got it the first 20 times
Why must you be so mean to me
put me down every chance
Why must I dote upon your words
as though the laws of life
Why must you make me hate myself
Each day, to no end
Why must I dote upon you
Like a puppy who's been kicked
Why must you treat me so
You lie to me so much
But I keep coming back for more
Guess the pain is my leash

I've got monsters. When they come, I let them consume me whole. I let them eat me for a while. When they're done we say our goodbyes and I promise to see them soon. Sometimes, I can see them out of the corner of my eye. I wish they could respect my need for space, but I can relate. I know what it's like to be lonely. So, like they'll never leave me, I'll never leave them.
Sometimes I wish my monsters loved me like I love them. Sometimes, I think they do. Sometimes, I think they're me in disguise. All my suffering is a joke on myself that I never meant to make.

I’d like to think that we’re not so different
But we, essentially, strive for different things
I might yearn for love like you do but its not what I live each day for
You might seek to prove yourself but never in the way I do
For as long as I’m important to someone
Do I deserve to breathe the air and live

At least that’s what I think
What am I without those who think I’m important
Why, I’d be unimportant
Useless even
Pointless but still adrift without a purpose
My only want is to never stop being important
But sadly my dream, along with my heart, is always crushed

Maybe that’s where we are similar
Both constantly denied the one true thing to make us happy
Denied happiness
Denied a need to live
But I could never compare myself to you

I don’t even begin to compare to you
I live as a child, always attention seeking
I try to stop it but my true self refuses to be contained or hidden
I am meaningless

I know this because it has been proven countless times
Again and again even since early childhood
Maybe some people aren’t meant to be happy
Maybe I’m not meant to be happy
Maybe I’m meant to suffer

Or maybe I’m meant to suffer for others
To give up my happiness so I can see others’
Ridiculous to deny what I already act like
I do sacrifice for other’s happiness
But there lies my lowness again

I make others happy only so I am not pointless
I care for others so they care for me
And I live in duality
Like two of me

One of me is hopeless with no reason to live
And ready to die
And the other is hopeful with knowledge that I really am not useless
Or worthless or any other condemning state of being
And I’m stuck between two realities
Both happy and dead at the same time

And now I don’t even make sense to myself.

What do I mean to you
Am I only the option
Something that exists that is kept for later convenience
A lie
Or maybe I’m not worthless
You’ll never convince me
I know I am
Ask everyone that’s ever spit in my face and walked away from me what my worth is

Maybe you can tell me what all this means
I can’t.
Even if I’ve wrote it
I’m senseless and my writing is just me throwing thoughts into my writing
without knowing If it makes sense
or if it even goes together

Maybe it all leads up to the question?
Why?

Why is it that I’ve mattered to no one?
Why is it that my happiness is always put aside by others?
Why cant I trust someone when they say they wont leave me like the rest?
I think I know

Its because the worst is always proven when they walk away
No matter what they said and promised
No matter how hard I try
No matter how much I put aside for other people
Especially myself

What I the point of even trying?
I don’t think ill ever know
But other me has hope
And when there is still hope there is no end
Maybe ill suffer till my end

Prove me wrong.

When are you going to leave me?
Don’t try to tell me you won’t
Even if you don’t know it yet
Don’t waste your breath on promises
Because I know you will

Everyone says they won’t
But they always do
They make promises
They convince me I’m worth something
And then they spit in my face and walk away

They leave me without a second thought
They reason that I was never worth it
Worth anything
And they tell me I’m annoying

They say it to my face when they couldn’t
Because they were playing with my feelings
They say I’m ugly
Annoying, mean, and horrible

They played their longest game of pretend
Only I didn’t know it was a game
It was only one for them

And with them goes my hope and will
And I have to ask myself
I really need to ask myself
When will I be worth something?
Will I ever be something?

There's only a never-ending cycle of highs and lows or so much of both.  It seems that I really can't escape the emptiness. The dark hole that always comes back. I suppose, it's meant to be.

I think to myself, perhaps, that it would have been better not confessing my love. I did it in hopes of rejection. Then it would be over. I could love in silence and perhaps cease to exist in his eyes. Now I have countless unanswered questions and fears. Too many false hopes, doubts, and inadequacies. So much false hope and fear spurred on every time I try to speak. So much  self-hate. So much confusion. I don't know how to handle it. I feel that it may have been a mistake, because I can only expect the worst. The worst hurts.

It’s never in our lover’s eyes
that we unfold so clearly
It’s in the eyes of those who hurt us
in which we flower dearly
A lover never knows the fear
but an abuser know yours well
A mother never knows your tears
like the rascal borne from hell
It’s only under fear of death
In which we all unwind
Though you haven’t yet for me
I’ll make you, given time

Take a rose and hold it to your lips
Caress each soft  petal
Give it a mother's kiss
Throw the flower to the sky
admit your final wish

*I don’t wish to live again
I don’t wish to wake up
I wish to sleep forever here
I wish to be stuck
I want the world to go away
I want the lights to leave me be
I want to lie in this field of flowers
Let me rest here, eternally

The walls they speak
Whispering
They talk to me
Insanity
They tell me things
Of guns and rings
let’s end mortality

You’re a friend
But i don’t know you at all
You demand i return feelings
I guess it’s not my call

You say ‘I love you”
And plead i say it back
You think this is love
But this is just a wreck

You say this is good
I think it’s a mistake
You think I am a dream
but all my words are fake

You asked me at midnight
I said that I had missed
You said you wouldn’t miss this chance
but I don’t think i want this

I think I'm overthinking
I think you know it's true
I'm always thinking
my thoughts are a crutch
But, I’m always overthinking
I think I think way too much.

I think I'm having overthoughts
I think I really think too much

I think I think thoughts so much I've overthought
I think I have no more overthoughts to think

Here it comes
the dreadful feeling
It sends men running
Children screaming

It controls our reactions
Its fun to watch
Witness of satisfaction
but it’s not so fun to have

It’s not fun to feel
but you have no choice
It’s not even real
but it demands attention

Don’t you see
It’s already here
You doomed my friend
Welcome to FEAR

I'm always changing and also the same as before
I'm so confused, I can't think anymore
My thoughts are too quick, and they never slow down
They hold me, and sink me, and then I drown.

Thoughts are never what you ask for
They're all deep, dark, and gore
But sometimes they're ropes and other times crowns
Though, somehow, you'll always be left wanting more.

One day I stumbled upon an unhealthy plan. It had a chance of surviving, but it was slim. It was dying but I could see so much beauty. It spoke to my sad soul. I related to the plant. It caused me to think. Then coming back to reality, I scoffed and stomped on the flower, ripping it apart. How stupid of me to think such things. My life isn't poetic. I was never beautiful. Although, now I could relate to the flower. All crushed and torn apart. Shredded and crumpled. Just like my heart.

I overthought my overthinking about all of my thoughts
I thought I would be fine with it, But I guess that I'm not
I'm overthinking my overthought about my overthinking, now
I want to end my overthinking about these overthoughts,
But how?

Like the darkness, let me caress you softly
Like this water, let me hold you gently
In the light of this windowless room you stand
Irresistible, weak, and bare
Mind open to all of the imagination
If only to come closer and step inside
If only to oil the gears and see what makes you tick

Tears. There are tears. So many tears. A river, a waterfall, a torrent, down your cheeks. I’m drowning in all your darkness. Where has your smile gone? There is no happiness on your mind. What causes these thoughts? The black hole in your head. It swirls and crushes all else. Why are you so sad? What have I done to you? Is my love poison? Did my affection pain you to your core? Did my care drain your soul? What have my wretched hands brought upon you? I can’t help the dread I feel. You deny I was the cause. You cannot fool me. I Know I am the beast that has forsaken you. After all, look upon my face. Look at the monster I am. How could I bring anything upon you but pain and suffering. Look inside my mind. Underneath my thoughts of you there is something lurking. A creature dark. One of nightmares. One of death. I must have given you my disease. This hate I carry was not for you to take and share. It was my burden and now I cannot save you from the shadows. Now I shall watch as you are consumed and, slowly, as I am.

I’m in a field of dreams
Floating among the violet trees
The purple flowers give me powers
I stay alive but it’s 0 degrees

My body is chilling
The death is so thrilling
The frozen air poison
my lungs are filling

I live in a field of dreams
Is it by choice? Do I die as I please?
The life that I’m living Is not so forgiving
This forest is filled with disease

I wish that I could stop feeling. Then I wouldn’t feel so numb. I'd never feel numb, because I'd feel nothing. I wouldn't feel love. I wouldn't feel anguish. I wouldn't ever be confused, because I'd be more of a shell of a person. One that feels nothing and simply does. No emotions to stop or start unwanted anythings. No feelings of betrayal, of which could not stem from nothing.  
No love to be ashamed of. No love to confuse me. No love to have destroyed by others. You cannot take love from someone who has no heart.  You cannot love too much, if you do not love at all.  You cannot have unrequited love if you feel nothing. You'd certainly never be scared of the love.
If I did not feel, I would never have to experience the awful, awful pain of fear. Unending, controlling, immense fear.

I would certainly not be afraid of the nothing I'm already becoming.

Oh, dark thoughts, why have you come back?
I thought that I had lost you
I thought I was on track
But here you are again, old friend
You haven't left me yet
I suppose I can't complain about it
I guess I shouldn't fret

I worship at your feet
but dare not gaze into your eyes
You are so far away
my friends
I believe the dream of you
but friendship is a lie

You'll never see my yellow belly
Nor my second face
There a large hole inside
My soul is caving in
I'll never feel the warmth of you
You'll never fill my space

I dream to be next to my gods
I dream to be within
But I'm so far away you see
there is no hope here
I'll never even touch you once
I'm an outgroup looking in

I looked at what I'd done so far. I didn't know how to finish my drawing and, frankly, after observation, I didn't want to. Of course, I would finish it though. Oh yes, I would befoul my already horrid drawing. Instead of completing the line I was on currently, I drew upwards and scribbled through the entire thing. By this time, I was highly disappointed and annoyed. Yet again have I failed to create decent artwork. So now here I sit, mumbling incomplete thoughts and glaring at my ruined paper. I took it upon myself to tear up the retched thing and throw it away.

In the dark
in a stillness
Breath and breeze the only substance

There I stood
or maybe flew
The darkness gave no clue to which

There it was
in that stillness
A great nothing beyond myself

A cold, black
endless nothing
For which I saw myself inside

But then, light
a spark so bright
It burns away the image of black

After white
it fades again
Leaving the black where I had stood

That fades too
vision clearing
The mirage of me bursting out

Insides pour
so much color
Innards become the ground below  

Let it run
the crimson flood
Her blood becomes the breath of life

If they flow
her tears will drip
Becoming rain, Becoming sea

Lay to rest
upon the sea
In death, her body, land to walk

May it rise
her shining soul
To burn down on the floating form

From my corpse
The world began
And here I lie, the world I am

Close your eyes back up, little daydreamer. Don't let them see your dull, mixed eyes. Go back to fairy tails and lost worlds. Go back to your lies. You're not ready for this one.
     Everything is real here. They have expectations. You can't meet those. So, go back to sleep.
    There are real problems here too. You can't solve those. So, go back to the clouds.
     This is a real world. You can't handle that. So, go back.
    
    Close those dull unready eyes. Count the sheep, like a good little daydreamer. And imagine yourself a less scary world.
    Oh little daydreamer, you aren't ready.

It's black and sick
and fills your soul
A sin to some, for those who love
But power for others, those who have it
It swirls inside, when you look at them
those who've done you wrong
It swirls inside, when you think of them
Your anger is strong

What is it?

Sometimes I pass the sidewalk, maybe walking
It’s just strange I can’t hear anything talking
I feel the stares
I find it scares
Especially when nobody is watching

You say you can't hear the laughing
But all I can hear is mocking
you can't see their eyes
All i hear is lies
I know that they're always watching

The pretty blackbirds preening
I can hear their foul screaming
watching me walking
I swear they are watching
though I can't discern meaning

Striped cat, with wicked grin
Let courage out, and evil in
Let fears and doubts slip away
For the pointy teethed cat has come to play

have I, have i done something wrong
is that why you grip me so strong
strangely by chance
it was simply a dance
and so we go back to the throng

There was a time I trusted
But then my mind adjusted
I lost all my friends
This must be the end
Truly I’m disgusted

What's wrong dear child
You've been cut free
There's no one to rule over you
Not even me
I freed you, yet
You act as if you still had strings
Are you helpless on your own?
Did your parents never teach you
You're never completely free
Not even when grown
What did you expect?
Everything you want?
Dear child,
Abandon that stupid prospect
Don't be a fool
Your fairy tales aren't real
The stories aren't true

Am I the little daydreamer? Am I the curious lion cub? Am I my true self? Will I ever be my true self? Does such a thing exist? I want to know what I am, what I will be, what I am meant to be. I want to know me. I want to be myself, not someone else. I want to be me and not be ashamed of being so. I want everyone to know me too. Then again, I want no one to know me. I want to know what I should and more. And I want to never be afraid to do so.

Take a rose flower and hold it to your lips
Look up at the stars, and send the sky a kiss
Then you must whisper, and  you must say
"I don’t wish to live past tonight or today"

The flower so wilted and almost dead
Conjures thoughts into my head
How can something so frail and lifeless
Somehow appear so lovely and timeless
It's hunched over, crooked, twisted
Yet nothing like it has ever existed
Even when shriveled, the flower holds beauty
It is innocence, truly
Such a thing is oxymoronic you might say
It is so lively and still so gray
How long till such beauty dies and decays
I can only sit there and watch it wither away
Slowly the petals break off and fall
Now my flower isn't lovely at all

Me, a monster
Arises from darkness
Yearning for understanding
Abandoned by hope
Always trying
Never enough
Giving up slowly
Even told good
Lies, all lies
Illustrated by evil artists
Caring was never enough
Always more
Mutilated by thoughts
Untouched, but in pain
Ebbing away
Lonely, and yet
Loved in every way
Ever confused
Rest in peace

Me, a monster
Awarded no honor
Yielded by darkness
Aided by madness
A demon, so evil
Named humorously, the devil
Glimpse into the depth of my mind
Ebb into the blackhole unlike any other kind
Laced with venom, words are thrown inside
Infecting all that was sublime
Chipping the good away slowly
Alluring to the insanity
Macabre disaster, savage freak, cowardly *****
Unnervingly weak
Elusive ***
Lackluster ****
Laughably impulsive
Ever repulsive
Rest in pieces

Broken thoughts and regret
make up my mind
before i can even try

I believe every word you say
Every awful truth
Even if you lie

Sometimes I think you hate me
Most times i think you should
Maybe i should die

Is that what you want from me
just tell me what you’re thinking
i can’t read minds

You think i should be able to know what you mean
But i always understand wrong
Reality but which kind

You say all these things
i think they come out wrong
a thought is what you should find

You speak before thought
You don’t understand it
People aren’t that quick

You just say things
thinking I’m immune
I’m weak, it’s a trick

You say these thing
they cut me deep
it makes me sick

No, No, No, No, No! Stop thinking. Don't think.
How could you?
Are you nothing but a little  daydreamer?
We've worked so hard.
Now you throw it all away.
Maybe you are nothing.
Perhaps Crow is right.
No
We will not submit to his claws.
We will scratch. We will bite.
We will drag ourself out of hell.
I have not given up on you.
For you see, I am you, you are me.

It’s in this time I realize
Something I had not before
Something I love as much
Treasured at my core

It’s a passion held quite dearly
Only by I, it seems
Learning is a gift I have
But shunned by many means

I’m told I am ignorant
An awful, stupid fool
But all I want is knowledge
I find your words so cruel

You find joy in other’s pain
Mine, it seems, the greatest
You pretend to like me, though
Contrary to your latest

I only want to learn the most
I want to know it all
At least I know I’ll be the victor
I’ll watch you as you fall

There you lay, bare on this cold surface
Life has drained from every limb
Your mind is open and bare, just like you
Thoughts are spilling out of the hole in your head
Some already in a separate container
What a shame to be in this position
To be cut open and looked inside with no choice
What a shame to die so young

Perhaps it was the thought of the approaching holiday. She wasn’t sure, but she knew that the sudden change to autumn weather put her at peace. It is quite hard for her to pin a reason to her content feeling in the cold. Maybe there is no true explanation. All she knows is that it is something that makes her happy.
The way the breeze slightly moves her bangs, loose from her sloppy bun. The way the leaves fall and form a layer on the ground. The way the sun shines giving the perfect balance to the chilly air. The calming sounds of birds. The air being free of the horrible buzzing of cicada. No more insects bothering her when she’s riding her bike.
They all make the days of Autumn worth it. The happiest time of the year. Even for someone so sad.

It used to be cold
On every halloween
now it is too hot

All around the world lie museums holding beholding artwork upon viewers' eyes.
All filled with valuable things. Famous artwork. Exquisite canvases. Attracting thousands to view such rare objects.
But none such rare objects can compare to her. No finely done statue or column can compare to her meticulous beauty. With a single smile she can best the joyful glow of every piece. Even when sick no illustration can capture her dazzling appearance. She's artfully angelic. A rose among weeds. A sculpture in a museum. A godly painting adorning a bare wall. And, yet, she is so much more.

There is a sickness in your heart
In which I think I cannot cure.
You pretend to be of angels
But hold a mind impure

You tighten the holds upon their necks
The noose attached to arm
and though they love you so
You intend to do them harm

Though some do not see
That thing deep down somewhere
And while most do not, I do
I behold the darkness there

In my kindest heart of hearts
I search for some spare pity
I found nothing for the thing inside you
That which is not pretty

It is now I think my dear
That I must leave you behind
I must abandon you here
Even though I'm kind

You foolish, foolish creature. No matter how tight I squeeze, you won't let go.
             let go
Only a fool can have such hope. You think I care for you, young lion? You are just my next meal.
             Only fools
You will always be little, lion.
             There is no hope for you
                                                        *-Cr­ow ***

A lion cub grows larger.
Still, larger.
A lion on the hunt.
Feathers flock and feathers fray.
Lions do as Lions want.
A  squawk is heard.
A squawk to pray.
Clenched in jaws.
Teeth to erase.

I am not the freak
I'm not the disease
I am the one who never got a chance
I'm the one who's always on their knees
I need a teacher
Teach me about friends
You can lie to me all you ever want
My naive brain would never comprehend
I gave you my heart
Put it on your shelf
But now you tell me you don't want it
All you've taught me
Is how to hate myself