Everyone watches, judging. Knowing all its mistakes and misgivings. All decide what it should be, instead of what it is. It watches back, never knowing what to do, who to listen to. They say to be itself, while telling it what itself is supposed to be. It fears. It fears everyone and their egos. It hates their need to be in power.
         They tell it what do to with their eyes and theirs harsh mind. It can never be itself. It is always the it that others want, and yet no one's perfect vision of it. It can never please everyone. So it fears.
         It knows it can be itself, but it fears too much. Everyone is too powerful. It never learned that it must be itself, because they always watched. And they always judged. They always spoke with their gaze and their mind.
        They give it deep fears. Deep fears of their controlling eyes and their thoughts and their being. Always afraid of what it isn't, because it's never what they want. Deep fears of itself.





                                                                       *My deep fear of being myself.

Am I the little daydreamer? Am I the curious lion cub? Am I my true self? Will I ever be my true self? Does such a thing exist? I want to know what I am, what I will be, what I am meant to be. I want to know me. I want to be myself, not someone else. I want to be me and not be ashamed of being so. I want everyone to know me too. Then again, I want no one to know me. I want to know what I should and more. And I want to never be afraid to do so.

I live in both realities. One in the light, the dream, and one in darkness, the real world. The light is welcoming.  Here true happiness is achievable. True love exists. I can be happy with myself, and my attempts to do so aren't futile. The dark is cold but true. The real world. No one can ever be truly happy here. True love doesn’t exist, for one will always love too much and one will always love too little. Attempts for love are thrown away like nothing because here you are nothing, just like everyone else. The cold truth. Love isn't a gift, it's cruel and unforgiving. Most important, I will never be happy with who I am. I am nothing.

Nothing you said is ever true
You never remember
I believed in you
How could you lie so easily

You tell me your sad
That you don’t know if you can go on living
Then you turned around like that
saying you will never get what makes people want too **** themeless.

You say something
Then next month you deny
Maybe you just can’t think it through
Why do i even try?

I listen and remember
Harder than I’ve tried before
Then you words turn
how can you be so contradicting

You said you felt the same way
now you do nothing but hurt me

I’m sad, big deal
You don’t even care?
then whats that i hear?

“your fault for taking what i said to heart”
‘there are better reasons to be unhappy”
“edgy. edgy. edgy. edgy. edgy.”
“Calm down. No need to be so edgy”
“woah that’s pretty edgy”

Sorry to inconvenience you friend
if you really are my friend
I never meant to hurt you with my edginess.
I apologize ever more
Your anger is not what I intend

In fact it’s not even anger as result
No, it’s more
The mocking never ends

You say you’re making me a better person
what you’re really doing is tying lose ends
You said i need a better reason to be sad
And now i have one

I don’t know what your were told
but calling me edgy doesn’t make me less of person
just makes you more of an *******

Broken thoughts and regret
make up my mind
before i can even try

I believe every word you say
Every awful truth
Even if you lie

Sometimes I think you hate me
Most times i think you should
Maybe i should die

Is that what you want from me
just tell me what you’re thinking
i can’t read minds

You think i should be able to know what you mean
But i always understand wrong
Reality but which kind

You say all these things
i think they come out wrong
a thought is what you should find

You speak before thought
You don’t understand it
People aren’t that quick

You just say things
thinking I’m immune
I’m weak, it’s a trick

You say these thing
they cut me deep
it makes me sick