I fabricate a path
of my summertime lies;
while my lover manipulates,
a truth of the same comprise.
i know it is wrong.
that it is unthinkable.
but I cannot help but to long
for this love
that was never meant to be.

I’m falling. But not in love.
I’m falling
And you are too. We’re falling to a bitter end
Yet again.

And this time, the end does not seem to be
as sugarcoated as it once was.
Or seemed to be.

sometimes,
i forget that i am not the
only
star
in the galaxy.
i forget
That once i’m gone
it will not be the end of our book,
but merely the end of
my chapter.

the words in my head
were buried too deep
for my poor mouth to dig up.
so,
for me,
it was easier to watch
as they ripped
my flesh,
begging for solace
through crimson tears.

this guilt is festering
in my silent soul.
'im selfish and deluded.'
this is getting so old.
is life really that bad, with a roof over my head?
'ethical contradictions between my actions and what I've said.'
is my life too good
for the way I am living it?
'I act like I'm suffering, there is no suffering in this.'
it must all just be me.

Do you remember the days
Of honey and gold?
Where our song was still sung,
We swore to grow old.
In the arms or each other,
We fell back asleep
You promised to love me,
But my heart you still keep.

alone I lay,
fantasizing
about who I once was,
who we could've been.
your hand rests still,
clasped in mine.
and for a moment,
at least I can pretend,
everything
is finally
what it once was.

the poems
that are written
by the poet
to forget the past.
resurface the memories
that hurt them last.

i grit my teeth,
but won’t give in.
the clock in the hall,
can’t make it passed ten.
it wont make an effort,
but neither will we.
an endless cycle,
drowning me.

I stand
I clutch the ground
the same ground that you and I
once walked together.

and a month ago
if you could've asked me
what life was
without you,
I would've said
"impossible."

and that was the answer you wanted.

a week ago,
if you were to ask me the same question,
I would reply
"bitter."

for I did not understand
that the ground
we once walked on
together
was a path paved
for me

so, instead
I let you take my hand
and pull me through
a terrible maze
that was not crafted
for you.

It feels impossible
to escape these relentless feelings
of worthlessness.
I feel as I am already
6 feet under
everyone else,
and I have been trampled, and suffocated
to nothing, beneath my own doubt
and judgment.

I will always wait for you.
even when you're laying in his arms or kissing his lips.
I will always wait for you to come back.
even when it hurts me more than you ever have.
I'm always going to be here when you need me.

a rebound. i'll always be your rebound.

-L

I thought you would've been able to change.
I was wrong.
like I am with many things.
I can't say I didn't expect it.
I saw it.
I just acted like it wasn't there.

the world is lonely when kept behind glass,
caged within the solitude of my bedroom.
days begin accumulating,
all whilst I linger in front of the familiar windows
counting seconds as the days pass languidly, sedating me in a secluded 'paradise' of my own making.
Here, I am shielded from your shortfall and my own disappointment.  
Here, I know im not to win, for I am unwillingly, and constantly, losing.  
Still, I sit stationary watching as the leaves fall off the same trees they grew on a week ago.

my world is lonely.

It feels inevitable and true
I want to quell what I give as fuel
How I view myself when I’m with you
-
And it’s hard it’s hard
Its hard it’s so
Hard to be around you
But it’s harder not to

I’ll drink until your name
Fades off the tip of my
tongue.
I’ll drink until your eyes
are no longer the color of
whiskey, and your cheeks
are no longer tinted of
wine.
I’ll drink until your laugh
fades, and I slowly forget
the feeling of your lips caressing
mine.
I’ll drink until your memory
finally stops haunting me.

and i'll wait.
ill wait until the sky falls
and im on my knees,
begging you for another try.
again.
and you'll come back
when he breaks your heart
but you'll leave just as fast
when he mends it back together.

i'm almost me again,
she's almost you.
-
i've got some color back,
she thinks so too.
-
i laugh like me again,
she laughs like you.

oh I fell for you.
I fell for you hard.
but I fell for you last time.
and the time before that.
and even the time before that.

every waking second I spend with your name on the tip of my tongue.
your eyes live forever in my mind.

every word you speak to me has me falling deeper and deeper into your trance.
you're my first thought today and my last thought tonight.

you keep me wondering.

baby I'm on the edge of my seat.
what's next?
the suspense is killing me.

in the city,
the stars burn with a lackluster glow
admiring us from above.
envious of the radiant beauty
you brazenly emanate.
-
and on the shore,
the tides rise closer to you,
their flawless turquoise
lifeless and dull
compared to the sapphire of your eyes.

I love you
but I can't help but let it cross my mind.
the few days where I didn't know where you were made me much happier.
you're with him.
I can't help but let it cross my mind.
I know what you do.
you wrote me a song and sang it for him.
I love you but I can't sit here and let you **** me.
my emotions are worth more than you.
I am not the person you cause me to be.

I could dig
into my own skin,
into my soul,
searching
for the pieces of you
that I know
linger
still inside me.

and I could try
to piece them back together
in breathless effort
to recreate the version of you
that I long to love once again,

but
we both know
deep down
you are no longer you
and I have stayed me.

and if we were truly
a match made in heaven
how did the angels
find a way
to separate us
so easily?

My body is a canvas—red drips off of my fingers—blood, like spilled wine. And I am drunk off of my own despair
until the mess is cleaned.
But never is it clean enough.

Just slap a band-aid over it.
The cut isn’t there if you can’t see it.
It’ll heal on its own.
It’ll heal.
It’ll heal.
Someday, it’ll heal.

Because of this
I have found that wine stains
In white carpet
Are much harder to remove
Then mother made it seem.
And that even when you have scrubbed relentlessly at the faux fur on your favorite, now pink rug, you will never get the snowy, cold, and blank white that you once adored. You either have to spill the rest of your wine and accept that you have ruined the rest of the rug, just to make it even. or throw it out. Just to waste your money on a new one that you will destroy the exact same.

the blades dull until they can't break through skin,
scars pile up, making the cuts bleed less than they did before.
you do the same amount of damage, with less the mess.
its not satisfying enough, is it?
will you ever be satisfied with yourself?

Everything the night held could've been ours.
the stars burned onto a canvas map,
only for the sake of our learning.
you gave me the moon,
forgetting to tell me it would fall at dawn.

i know i was just a chapter in your book, but you are the title of mine.

Give me a moment.
Let me ponder the idea of you in my arms.
come here, lovely.
let me hold you for the first time in a blue moon.
kiss me.
dash out the door into the flashing skies.
we will fear nothing.
watch as the rain pours its wisdom to the earth once again.
lie to me.
tell me you love me.
kiss me.
to take your hand was to follow you to my deepest regret.
kiss me.

the hardest part was probably when i had to return your toothbrush.
you had bought it months ago, it was probably time to replace it anyways, but bagging it up and placing in that ****** little box felt so different.
it was everything i dreaded. quick, swift, clean. your boxes made it
look like someone was moving, and you were. your drawer was emptied, my doors were closed.
in that moment I sobbed. I was breaking myself down over something so very small, something so seemingly insignificant. I pitied myself until you had the heart enough to pretend to.
but instead, you broke me down into shards sharper than glass, and watched my bleed on the hardwood floor, desperately trying to piece myself back together while you watched. my hands bled, my knees shadowed, bruising deep purples and blacks. you snickered. you loved the way I'd run back, my heart on my sleeve. and you loved to crush me again. without you I am lost, and you know it, too.