the birds chirping outside and the music playing in my earphones lead my thoughts to you. i realized that no one will ever replace you, and it terrified me.
before i knew it, there were tears streaming down my cheeks and an aching in my heart.
nonstop, vigorous, incurable aching.

whenever i tell someone the story of how my cousin kissed me then proceeded to attempt to shove his tongue down his throat when i was drunk, they all tell how horrendous and inhumane it is.
how terrible and ****** up he is. i reply casually with, "yeah, it's bad".

how is it that others see more value in my own body than i do?

my love for him consumed me, and not in a gentle way
not in the way one wants to imagine love in the sweet and pure form of happiness it is in the movies, but in a way that occupied all my conscious and unconscious thoughts, leaving me restless and in need of him, even though i could never have him
i am given a million reasons to walk away, but just the slightest reasons, like the way i feel when his arms wrap around me, give me reason to stay
or maybe it's the way his smile is brighter than any star this planet has ever seen,
maybe it's the way my name sounds when it rolls off the tip of his tongue so effortlessly in that voice that i love so much,
or possibly any other of the  million small things that magnetically pull me back to him no matter how much i try to leave
all he has to do is ask, and i will do anything for him
i will make the stars dance for him
i will make the mountains shake for him
i will make the oceans split in half for him
i will take away all the grief in him and put it on my own shoulders, for i cannot bare to not see his beautiful smile
if only he would open his eyes wide enough to see what is right in front of him
if there is one thing i can wish for, it is to have him in my arms,
his head would rest on my chest, and his arms would cling around my waist the way a child clings onto his mother,
our heartbeats will be synced and all other sounds in the universe will be ignored,
because in that moment, all that will matter will be our two bodies connected as one.
this is my dream.

it’s true that he is my inspiration.
he is the reason i write and feel and experience.
he is in charge of the control center of my brain, controlling my every move.
if only he could say the same about me, everything would seem much brighter than the dark grey tint my eyes have painted over the world.

the memories of us used to paint a smile across my lips and enlighten a spark in my heart,
now they illustrate tsunamis in my eyes and burn my mind

your face will always be the one i look for in a crowded room

i've kissed so many people trying to find you in different bodies

in many ways i find myself relating to the sky.
when there's a thunderstorm for example, just because the rain and thunder have stopped doesn't mean that the sky isn't upset and mad and confused anymore,
she's just too tired to express it.
or when it's a sunny day with grey clouds. she tries to act okay, but you can see right through her mask of fake smiles and forced laughs.
or how she could be shining in the morning with radiance, but once night falls, no stars are bright enough to lighten up her darkness.
the way she tries to please everyone until eventually in the winter she breaks.
the sky and i are more similar than i thought.
who would've thought that one could relate to nature so much.

so many times i’ve dreamt of you, but ever since you left, i’ve only had one dream about you.
we were laying on the bed we first made love in, and we looked deeply into each other’s eyes with care and interest.
our tongues didn’t waltz with each other like they used to, our hands didn’t grab at one another like they used to, our bodies didn’t compress close enough to each other to leave no space in between one another like they used to, instead our words sunk into one another like they used to.
we spoke about the changes that have occured since our fate split us apart, our new stories and memories and experiences that did not include each other. and we laughed.
and the sight of your smile was always my favorite, but this time it only hurt me because it was a reminder of a vision i’m now only able to see when you stumble into my dreams by accident when you're on your way to the other woman's dreams.

everything means nothing now that you’re gone