I thought about calling someone, anyone
I thought it would help to talk
But what do you say
When all the pain has this way
Of shutting you up
In your own personal Hell.
The silence grows, ringing in my ears
But I like it that way.
It is so much easier to hide
When the pain stays inside.
I do not want to talk to someone that does not know
Someone that has never tasted the wound.
I do not want their pity
Or their, "It'll get better."
I do not cry and that is not a lie
I break and scream
And try to remain unseen.
Do you really want to know?
Do you really want to feel it?
Let it burn you
Let it cut into you.
Do not ask me if I am okay
When you already know the answer.
Let me sleep without the agony
Of your worry.
God, let me sleep
Let me wake and deal with another day
In just the same way.
Biting and breaking the surface
Of each second reminding me I never really change.
I just rearrange things until they seem right.
Oh, God, let me sleep
And dream of better things.

Trapped in this mind
An impossible box
No escape from the madness.

Tiny locks everywhere
None of the keys fit
Failed attempts at happiness.

Was I born with it?
Did it happen out of nowhere?
No answers to be found.

Every part of my being aches
An insatiable urge to end it
Sweet freedom escapes me.

Crying alone in the dark
No longer able to function
Hit the exit button now.

If there is a god
Surely a supreme being
Offers no punishment

No justification for being here
I am not the one who leaves
Always the one to be left.

They leave one by one
Some by death
Some by betrayal.

The space gets lonelier
It gets colder
It closes in on me.

Suffocating under the weight
Of a sadness that never ceases
Overtaking my heart and mind.

I feel like I am in constant state of falling. Like when you are having a dream and you fall off a cliff, and then you wake up kicking and trying to grab hold of something. That is how I feel when I am awake. The ground just suddenly shifts out from under me and I fall. I am constantly kicking and grabbing. Searching for something or someone to save me. But I just keep falling.

I am falling into a never ending tunnel. I am being swallowed up by the earth. These dark memories of him wash over me and I start to fall to my death. I am falling. As I fall I remember his lies. As I fall I feel his touch.  As I fall I see him watching me. As I fall I hear his voice making promises he could not keep. I am falling. There is nothing, no one to save me.
I am searching for something or someone to save me. But I just keep falling.

I am so tired of kicking and fighting. The constant searching for that thing to save me. What if I am wasting all my time and energy just grabbing at thin air? I wait and I wait and I wait for the end…the big SMACK. The sound it will make when I have stopped falling. Then will all this pain be over but that never happens.
I am searching for something or someone to save me. But I just keep falling.

Something always pulls me back up, briefly I regain my footing. But why? Why can the pain not just be over? What is saving me when I cannot even save myself? Why am I here fighting so hard every day, fighting so hard just to exist? Breathing and existing, carrying on in this world takes so much effort.
I am searching for something or someone to save me. But I just keep falling.

Why am I fighting so hard? What if forever I stay broken, hurt, sad, and unsure? What if this is my forever? Each day breathing and existing…carrying on only to have him come back and hurt me again. What is my purpose for fighting so hard? I wish someone could tell me….stop the perpetual fall.
I am searching for something or someone to save me. But I just keep falling.

Why am I fighting so hard? Help me understand. Tell me that one day things will be okay. One day I will be stronger, wiser, and braver.  And soon I won't feel like I'm falling anymore but like I am solidly placed in this world. That my life has a meaning, that all my fighting, and suffering, and searching, and agony was not in vain.
But for now I am searching for something or someone to save me…I just keep falling.

The contrast of shiny steel and dark crimson, the contrast of man and metal. Tonight the blade will once again free the blood that is restrained by my skin. Sitting on the floor, with my legs pulled close, I cannot wait to feel the rush of the calm. It is rushing through my mind right now, blocking out all other thoughts. The exquisite yet simple pain of the cold steel parting my skin. Watching the layers of my skin part under the pressure, feeling my pulse push the blood up through the cut. Then gravity pulling it down along my skin until it finally hits the floor. The calmness slows down time, giving me a chance to watch the blood drops form, then fall to the cold,hard floor below. The tip of a droplet hits the tile, the force of the impact creating a smaller ring of droplets that strain against the gravity, soon to be overcome, and pulled downward. The next drop contributing to the rippling pool of crimson love on the floor. I cannot pull my eyes away from the pool of blood on the floor. The drops now starting to fall faster, fast enough that I cannot see the individual drops, that I cannot distinguish them from the previous ones. Once the individuality of the drops cannot be seen, I cut no more. For now the angry creature inside me is spent, he has no more tales to tell. The drops start to come slower now, seemingly holding on to my body before they drop. As if, they know they are falling without reason now. Finally the flow stops, my pulse is slow, my breathing relaxed.

The key was lost
among the books
and
crumpled papers.

The phone rang loud
through the empty
house
but no answer.

The fan above
would spin and spin
like
a dark whirlpool.

The bottle slept on
the wooden floor
boards
spilling slowly.

Somewhere in that
mess, pills scattered
on
the bathroom sink.

A fly explored
the planet that
kept
it prisoner.

And
quietly
the
breathing
stopped.

Sitting on a field gate
looking toward the Downs
Jane talked
of butterflies

and birds
and formation
of clouds
trying to educate you

on the country ways
you sat in blue jeans
and white shirt
unbuttoned at the neck

and she wore
the simple grey dress
white socks
and brown shoes

muddied
from recent ventures
into muddy fields
London's is a doss house

compared to this
you said
although I miss
the cinema

and locality of shops
but then there's you
with your down
to earth beauty

and straight forward
country wisdom
I'm not beautiful
in any sense

she said
the only real beauty
Father says
is the sky above us

and all that lies beyond
you gazed
at her profile
the dark hair

the pale skin
the finely drawn lips
the way she tossed
her head

to remove hair
from her eyes
she jumped down
from the field gate

on to the grass
and walked on
and you followed
she looked back

and smiled
why did you look at me
in that way?
what way?

I don't know
that studying me
kind of way
as if you'd only just

seen me
for the first time
maybe I have
you said

maybe I've seen you
for the first time
in a different way
she looked away

her eyes scanning
the Downs
my mother trusts you
I am glad she does

you said
she trusts you
because you're not like
most boys around here

whom she doesn't trust
she picked cowslips
from the field
and sniffed them

and held them out
to you to sniff
beautiful aren't they?
simple yet beautiful

you sniffed them
and gave them
back to her
yes they smell good

you said
she put out a hand
and touched yours
her hand was warm

you rubbed your thumb
over the back
of her hand a
s you walked on

she holding the cowslips
in the other hand
sniffing them
now and then

what is it
you like about me?
she asked
moving off the field

onto the tree lined drive
up to the Downs
you're pretty
and quiet

and thoughtful
and I feel relaxed
with you
anything else?

I like your eyes
and your hair
and the way you smile
she laughed

and looked away
blushing
after a few minutes
she walked you into

a large hollowed out tree
and sat down inside
as if it were a large
inner room

do you love me?
she asked softly
you looked at her mouth
the way her lips

had moved so simply
yes I guess I do
you said
she leaned toward you

and kissed you
the meeting of lips
she put down the cowslips  
and embraced you

with both arms
you held her close
smelling the freshness
of new apples

and country air
then she sat back
and pushed the hair
from her face

and said
I trust you too
and then she was up
and out of the hollow tree

with her cowslips
and walked on to
the drive again
and called out

come on we've away
to walk to the top
and you came out
of the tree

and followed her
noticing how slow
she swayed as she walked
the cowslips rising

and falling in her hand
her voice calling you
to follow her
and you did

near to her side
sensing her nearness
her beauty
the way she walked

and talked
and off to one side
a woodpecker
tapped tapped

on a tree
and you'd wanted
to be no where else
neither distant climes

or lands afar
but close to her
and following her
like some

tall ship
at sea
follows
a bright star.

Too many thoughts,
Too little space,
Too little time,
To think them through.

They're hard to explain,
In poems,
Words,
Or anything.

I need to let them all out
But they are stubborn,
Obstinate,
They just won't go.

They don't seem to pile,
They just grow.
As time draws near,
My mind disappears.

In a sea of thoughts
Unspoken,
Unheard,
Unknown.