Taking my pill
Sometimes I forget
That's okay I guess
Getting wasted on wine
Another day
And it won't ever change
And it hurts all the same
Losing my way
Feeling afraid.

From scrapes and bruises
to the familiar abuses
I kick and scream but it never changes a thing
I could spill my guts and wear my heart on my sleeve
But nobody said it was going to be easy
This is not the woman I hoped to be
I'm always just trying to stop the bleeding
I guess I deserve it
All my faces are an alibi
And it comes out wrong all the time
I don't know the words but I hum along anyway
There's nothing familiar to me anymore
I no longer feel alive
All I can taste is this sickness
And it makes me crazy
I'm in the same place I've always been
But I'm trying so hard not to be
So what am I? Who am I?
I don't want it, don't get it
Can't seem to surface, feel so ****** worthless
I'm desgised as an alibi and I'm half the person I ever wanted to be

You do what you do
        And I will do what I do best
Resenting every word you've ever said
         Load your words and fire with haste and regret
We're lost,
                  lost in our own minds.
Where do you get your facts from?
You don't change for anyone.
To celebrate the past we hate for attention
And hang it for everyone to see.
                  You said too many things that you meant
And I no longer think for myself
                  
                   Confused, whom do I go to now?
How can I trust you?
                   Break it down before it's even built
Making sounds just to be heard
Making mistakes just to feel guilt
Setting traps just to see hurt
                   You talk a lot, but should I, do I even care?
Suspecting the worst,
It's not crazy, it's called art.

I often wonder how to make it back home
And why it feels like all the effort goes unnoticed
The pressure keeps on building up and closing in
And now I swear I've forgotten how to swim
Why is it always easier to just walk around
I miss the music that influenced us to talk for hours
That made us want to stop and smell the flowers
For just a second it's all I ever wanted
Now I feel like every star I used to wish on is falling out of the sky
Now we can't even find the time
And if we did, I doubt you would even look me in the eyes like you once did
Everything is just a story now
And it's practically impossible to word it out
If I could find the peace of mind to press rewind
I'd do it in a heartbeat if I thought it would make a change
I would freeze an entire moment in a second
If I thought it would make a bit of difference
I never meant for us to be alone

And it gets worse
People start to get angry with me.
They tell me,
You are not trying.
They bombard me with wise words
which others have spoken or written.
They tell me to snap out of it.
Or to look within myself.
To change my energy.
Cry out to the Lord.

And do you know the only way I really get fixed?
The only way,
The way that someone who doesn’t know how to love themselves gets to be able to love themselves,
Is by being given,
over and over again,
the unconditional love they didn’t have.

However, Do you see what I'm offering you?
It is the challenge of finding a way to love unconditionally.
To give unconditionally.
To find in yourself all the blocks to unconditional love
which the difficult personality that I am forces you to discover.

This never was about me.
This never was about the frustration of the bottomless pit.
This was never about you learning wonderful techniques that you could offer to loved ones in order for them to be like you.
It was always about you.
I've already got this.
I knew what I was doing.
I have this.
My higher self is looking on,
smiling,
and nodding at the absolutely brilliant job I am doing of playing out my role.
My bottomless pit role.

Do you get it now?
Even a little?
The enormity of this gift?

The challenge is unconditional love.
The opportunity is unconditional love.
The journey is back to unconditional love.
Do you catch the energy of that,
the excitement of it,
the power of it?
Don’t you just love the way this all works?

Oh, and if you happen to be the me, thank you!
There is much love and appreciation for you here.
We stand in awe.

I find it funny how your heart doesn't work, and that tattoo on your chest spells hurt. And how predictable. You're just another shark who smells blood, trying to figure out where love sleeps and **** it like it has to be stopped. I don't see the reason in your logic, I just understand the plot, and if I don't find it out, I swear I'm going to pop. Just another meal for the vultures, picked into pieces and buried under the boulders. Until the last cracked bone is found, I'm just a victim with my soul torn out of me and shot to the ground, without the glory. Broken and that's the way that you like it with the war horns fired up, and I should have asked you what you wanted before you flashed me those fangs

What did you want from me? You're knocking on doors trying to wake the beast. Head full of thorns, you want to settle the score.

I've been living in this winter you've provided me. Eating all the pages of this history inside of you. For what? I've taken all the pain I can, and plan on jumping off this ship before I lose it and never know who I am. Before this vessel ever gets in sight of land, I'm going to dive into the waters underneath it and take my chances until it drowns out. You've got a perfect way of killing me, an angel in appearance with a smile like a guillotine and I don't think that you can ever change. Pain is your nicotine, fighting me is the flame and it stays that way. Cause everything is frozen in your steps, and this blade is a trophy for your unexpected ways, you're a monster, and I can smell it rotting in your teeth. Just hope that you can figure out what you've been looking for and finally be free.

I'm finding it hard to manage
Any close relationship without
The fear I'll vanish
All of this has been hard and
I'm not denying it
I'm just writing this as a product of my environment
So please listen
They say family is everything
Its more than just a house, a white picket fence, and a wedding ring
Its blossoming life and standing together through everything
Always trying to take the people you love with you when you go
But im a prisoner in my own body quarantined from my soul
Spitting in the faces of the ones trying to show me hope