Tears…so many tears after my best friend
died. I was 17. Light brown, coarse hair from my
puppy snuggled up to me each night. Crumbs
from many late-night dinners, coupled with
doing homework until the sun peaks
through the sleepy darkness.
My mom’s old white tennis shoes, falling
apart at the seams. Bobby pins.
Snoozed alarms. Text messages I didn’t want
to say goodnight to. Screams,
from that nightmare that felt all too real.
Tears…so many tears. The nightlight I kept
on ever since then. Books. Stories. Adventures.
Gatsby’s blind love. Harry finally defeating his demons.
The matching sock I didn’t have time to find. Dust.
Lots of dust. The phone call when her grandmother died.
My wandering mind dreaming of what the future might hold. Poems,
written and read. The dizzy night I told you
“stay,” and I let you have what you
wanted. Then you told me, “I’m not ready for
a girl like you.” Tears…so many tears.
My mother’s constant disapproval of
me, and my time spent
wasted in her hazel eyes.
Countless nights I wished you
laid with me under my cold lavender sheets.
Misplaced earring backings. Baby blue nail polish dripped.
Bittersweet dreams of a future with you. My puppy’s hidden
treats that he forgot once existed. Phantoms.  
Monsters. Phone calls and Facetime’s that felt like
a moment frozen, but lasted hours. That bright pink
Homecoming dress my mother said I looked
heavy in. Tears…so many tears. Darkness. Months later when you
came back, sleeping peacefully next to me. Forgiveness. Hope.
All the boys I thought were worth my time. Love.

You.

It’s always been you.

What does it mean

To be a Mommy, a Mom, or a Mother?

A Mommy…carries you for nine months.
Her feet swell and she can’t sleep well.
She sings to her belly waiting for her miracle to come.
She rushes to the hospital, staying strong but scared all at once.
She lets your older sister hold you before she even does because your sister was so excited to finally have a little girl in the family.
She spends sleepless nights trying to persuade you to close your eyes.
She sings “You are My Sunshine,” “Once upon a Dream,” and “An Irish Lullaby” as you drift off to sleep with her comforting voice.
She cradles you in her arms, hoping the tight blanket wrapped around your tiny body will prevent you from growing up too soon.
She lets your hand go as you take your first steps, the little bells on your shoes jingling away.
She watches your bright eyes discover the dark world she was afraid to bring you into.
She teaches you everything she knows.
How to be kind, how to tie your shoes, how to apologize, and mean it.
She sits on the edge of the bed reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar and rewinds Mulan for the hundredth time that day.
She showers you with love and you don’t realize how lucky you are.
She holds your tiny hand in hers as she shows you what life has to offer.

A Mom…helps you with all the school projects you bring home, and let’s be honest, she does it all for you.
She picks you up from school every day, an hour after school was out. The teachers started to become accustom to this routine.
She makes dinner for you every night. You never went to bed hungry.
She asks you to pick up your toys and to not leave them laying around the house.
She scolds you for constantly picking on your little siblings.
She jams out to Tim McGraw, Faith Hill, and Eminem in her big red van with the windows rolled down on a warm summer day.
You stay up until the sun rises the next day watching whatever came on TV because you’re both night owls.
She makes you a pink heart shaped cake every year for your birthday decorated with your favorite princess figurines.
She reminds you when you get on her nerves that she gave you your life, and she can take it away.
She sits on the edge of the bed, blow drying your hair, while you doze off from the warmth and security of her love.
You look at her and know she is the woman you want to be one day, so you live each day with the kindness and compassion she bestowed upon you.
She is quiet but you’re too young to think anything of it besides being soft spoken and modeling yourself after her.

A Mother…reminds you to finish your homework before you watch TV.
She sits in the passenger seat, telling you every five seconds to “slow down” or “don’t get too close”.
She gets mad when you don’t help out around the house as much as you used to.
She says you spend too much time with your friends.
She’s waves proudly from the crowd as you walk across the stage, accepting your diploma.
She tells you, “Why don’t you pay for it? You have a job.”
She says you spend too much time with your boyfriend.
She tells you that you don’t need all that makeup to look pretty.
She asks you where you’re going but you just want to be independent.
She feels like her little girl is slipping away.
She sits on the edge of the bed, but this time you’re all grown.
You’ve been hurt badly. A cut so deep you think it won’t ever heal
You’ve been crying for days because a boy broke your heart.
You’re confused and lost. You feel like you could never be happy again.
She sits on the edge of the bed.
She listens as you sob, asking yourself what you ever did to deserve such cruelty, all the while still hoping he’ll take you back.
Then she tells you
About the boy that broke her heart.
How she thought that was the end for her. She didn’t want to go on after he left.
And then you realize that your mom is human.
She isn’t superwoman, a princess, or an angel.
No.
She’s you.
Because everything she’s experienced, she’s survived, and it made her the woman she is today. Faults and all.
And she raised you to be like her.
She raised you to realize that sorry little boys don’t deserve the time you give them.
She raised you to be strong, honest, loyal, and most importantly, kind.
And after that night, you never loved your mother more than you do now.
Because she’***** rock bottom, but survived.
And you now see the courageous woman that she is.
And one day, when you’re sitting on the edge of the bed singing to your daughter, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You’ll never know dear how much I love you. Please. Don’t take my sunshine away.” You realize that the sunshine doesn’t last forever, but it always comes back after the dark nights.

And after that dark night, the sun rose.
And you gave your mother a hug.
A real hug.
One like that little girl who called her mommy would give her.
Because you never want to lose your sunshine.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom.

Love,
Ashley

What is a big brother?
He's one of the first boys to hold your small and fragile body.
He looks into your tiny green eyes with fascination while all you can do is cry.
He wants to help Mommy with the new baby.
He misses the attention but knows you're helpless without it.
He's patient.
He's the first boy to ever hate you and love you at the same time.
He watches as Mom and Dad help you take those first monumental steps.
He helps you every day to pronounce "Brandon" and probably something along the lines of that he's the best.
He now wishes you could stop talking for five seconds and leave him alone.
He's the first boy to make you cry.
He won't let you play because you're a girl and you're much too little.
He plays with his friends instead and calls you a brat.
He's at home less and less.
He's not the same boy who would hold your hand to cross the street and you don't know why.
He makes a lot of mistakes.
He learns.
He's at home more.
He's sad and you don't know why.
He has pain and regret in his eyes but you only see him as pristine.
He gives you more hugs than you'd like to admit you really want.
He's the first boy to tell you he loves you more than anything in the world.
He doesn't take your admiration for granted.
He jokes around with you and he gets that nerdy little grin on his face.
He smiles big and bright at your imitation of a man voice.
He's packing up boxes with his clothes and books.
He holds you tight before saying goodbye and kisses the top of your little auburn head.
He leaves.
It's quieter around the house and you miss his warm bear hugs.
His hazel eyes droop but yours still stay an adoring green.
He visits but you wish he'd stay.
He has his own life now and you have to wait a little longer to have yours.
He gives you his two cents even if you don't want it.
He helps you with your art until the sun rises the next day.
He has bags under his eyes like wights pulling him down.
He can't come over as often because he has a lot to do.
He's your confidant.
He'd give up his life for yours and you wouldn't hesitate a second to do the same.
He never forgets to give you your warm bear hug before going back to his home.
He always says I love you before leaving because he knows how far those three little words can go.
He's weird but you like weird.
You never get embarrassed by his warm bear hugs.
He's your soft teddy bear.

Brandon, I love you more than all of the stars in the sky. I love you more than all the grains of sand on the earth. I love you because you've taught me one of the most important lessons that I will ever learn, to be kind. You have more generosity in your little finger than I do in my whole body, but you still accept me the way I am. You've taught me how to love people even when they hurt you because everyone deserves love. Your heart is so big and full of love because you've been through so much and you've been hurt so badly, but you keep looking up. Life may get you down sometimes but you've never turned your back on the ones you love. Your kindness is inspirational to me and I can't imagine my life without you.

I have six best friends, and I'm lucky to call you one of them.

I think you're a pretty cool kid.

What does it mean,
To be a daddy, a dad, or a father?

A daddy…tucks you in at night.
He checks for the monsters that you believe lurk in the dark. When in reality, they only lurk in your mind.
He sits you on his lap, and plays pony-girl till his legs go numb.
He lets you stand on his feet while slow dancing at all the daddy-daughter date nights.
He pushes you on the wooden swing set that he built with his own rough two hands.
He tries to put your hair in a pony tail, even though mommy’s pony tails are superior.
He reminds you not to talk in Church while father is giving his sermon.
He holds your small hand so that you won’t get lost in this big scary world.
He brews his morning coffee, the aroma awaking you from your sleep, and you watch him, thinking, “I can’t wait to be big enough to try some.”
He will be identical to the man that you are going to marry one day.
He protects you from every little thing that scares you to death.

A dad…will help you with your trig homework, but will never tell you the answer unless you figure it out for yourself.
He sternly reminds you to clean up around the house, or you can’t hang out with your friends that weekend.
He yells at you when you pick on your little sister twenty-four seven.
He repeatedly asks you to help make dinner because your mom deserves a break.
He asks a lot of questions because you neglect to tell him what’s going on in your life anymore.  
He never lets you have what you want and always says, “do you have enough money to pay for that yourself?” or the even better, “money doesn’t grow on trees, you know.”
He is always nosey and so old-fashioned.
He is silent in the car because you are too preoccupied to carry on a real conversation while texting your boyfriend that week.
He won’t let you become the adult you want to be.
He comes home, exhausted from work, and you disregard the time you could be spending with him by talking on the phone all night with your friends.
He tries to hug you in front of the kids at school, but it wouldn’t be “cool” to hug back.  
He tells you he loves you, and you can barely reciprocate the adoration that the little girl you used to be, once had.

A father…comes to **** a tiny spider in your shower when you call him, even after you have moved out.
He helps you when your car refuses to start on your first day at a new job.
He walks you down the same church aisle he watched you march along to receive your first Communion, and gives you away to another man, while holding back melancholy tears of joy and sadness.
He tries to visit you and your new husband, but you have a busy life of your own now.
He waits patiently outside the hospital room, until your husband announces that he has become a brand new father to a beautiful baby girl and that your father is a grandpa.
He plays pony-girl with your daughter, because you are much too big now, and his legs go numb.
He is getting older now, but you either don’t realize, or just choose not to notice.

He’s the man who forgot who you are.
He’s the man lying sick and pale in a cold unfriendly hospital bed.
He’s the man, once young and vibrant in your small idolizing green eyes, but is now old and grey.
He’s the man you once called father, dad, daddy.
He’s the man dying slowly before your eyes.
…and before you know it, he’s gone.

No more checking for monsters under your bed.
No more pony-girl.
No more pushes on the swing.
No more dancing on his feet.
No more securing hugs.
No more help with trig.
No more protection from the big bad world.
No more guidance.
No more.

Life is short. We don’t seem to realize that the moments in which we are living right now, will be the exact moments that we’ll wish we could turn the clock back to. People take for granted what they have, such as a man who loves you enough to indulge your childish tendencies and check for those monsters under your bed once more, just to be sure. Your daddy will always be your daddy, no matter if you can feel his warm bear hugs or not. It is hard to think that people can leave your life so effortlessly and never come back. However, what matters the most is the impression that they leave on you and the way you will choose to live your life. My dad has taught me to be smart, caring, and responsible. Along with my six siblings, my father nurtured our family with Christian beliefs, surrounded us with love, and taught us how to treat others with respect and dignity. Although my dad and I have had our numerous ups and downs, I would not ask for any other person to call daddy. Don’t forget how lucky you are to have someone to call father, dad, or daddy, because one day you won’t have anyone to call at all. I am so blessed to know that I will always love my daddy, and he will always love me.

You know that weight you feel in your heart,
it will get lighter,
but it will never really go away.
That's what we have to look forward to as monotonous humans trudging through life,
a heavy heart.
Our hearts weigh us down to this twisted earth like anchors in our chests battling the roaring waves
and we will always have the scars of our past.
The traces of loss and regret that leave their cruel mark upon our naïve hearts.
Scars never disappear,
They Fade.

“What about tonight?”
I’m still not ready.
“But it will feel good.”
I’m scared.
“You don’t need to be scared.”

He laid me down.
I remained silent.

He had done so, many times before.
Trying to enter my home without the key.

That evening, I left the door unlocked and went to bed.

He didn’t knock that night.
He broke in.
Took what was mine.
Made me a stranger in my own home.

The lights were off.
No one knew the crime taking place.

But he was my boyfriend.
You let your lover into your home, right?

The lines are blurry.
Black and white turned to grey.

But my heart knew.
It was in the words I didn’t say.

Silence does not equate to consent.

I hope one night, ten years from now, you awake from a deep sleep.

With a trail of cold sweat dripping down your spine, you try to steady your breathing as to not wake your wife sleeping by your side.

It's four AM in a quiet suburban town, the air is still while your son is sleeping down the hall.

You hold your chest as you think of the dream you just had about a girl with auburn hair and piercing green eyes. Suddenly you felt as though your heart had stopped.

Because you hoped you had forgotten about her, and how she made you feel, that is until now.

But not me, I never forgot.

So I hope you remember…
The first time you held the door for me and told me that I was pretty.
The first time I caught your eye.
When I thought you were unlike any other guy.
How you made silly excuses just to talk to me.
When we had our first date and we hugged goodbye.
How we talked every night without fail.
Fumbling over our first kiss.
The plans we made and the promises we kept.

I hope you remember…
The first time you held my hand and told me I was beautiful
When you said, “I’m yours.”
How welcoming your mother was compared to my timid composure.
Not watching the movie we went to see that night.
When you said my lips were soft.
Not wanting to go back home because I found a home in you.
How you took my breath away.
The night you held me so tightly that the rest of the world could’ve came crashing down around us but I was safe from its demise.
That same night when you asked me to be your girl, and I couldn’t deny the butterflies in my stomach.  
The nights I lied awake because of you running through my mind.  

I hope you remember…
The first time you held my waist and told me that I was ****.
When you asked to see if my lips were still soft.
How you kissed me so hard I couldn’t breathe, but I found solace in the suffocation.
How you ignored me and all I wanted was your love.
The night you didn’t kiss me goodbye.
How I was too naïve to realize I was losing you.
When you told me you were too busy.
The night I cried for hours because you neglected my happiness.
The nights I lied awake, hoping you’d answer my texts, calls, anything.

I hope you remember…
The last time you held your breath, as I held mine, and you told me things weren't fine.
You told me you didn't feel the same as you did at the start and that now things are falling apart.
When you said to just give it time and things might work out.
When you saw me for the first time since that day and you didn’t have anything to say.
When I heard all the stories you were telling about me.
How you broke my heart all over again.
When I found out about her, and you, when you should’ve been with me.
How I had to pick myself up and be my own protection from the world crashing down around me.
How I now have to live with these memories when you seem to have forgotten them all.


I hope you remember it all every time you close your eyes, every time you blink. That way you will never again be able to sleep a wink.
I hope you know I adored you.
I hope the pang of remorse you feel after this dream hits you like a strike of lighting, because you beat the odds.
I hope you know you’re the one that gave up.
I hope I live in the back of your head, making you regret how you broke me into a million little pieces.
I hope I haunt your thoughts every second of the day, because I'm the girl you let get away.

I hope you remember it all, because I know I can never forget.

She's standing in front of me, blank face, her eyes wide.
She takes her hands and stabs me in the chest, prying my body open.
She rips out my heart.
Guts.
Thoughts.
Feelings.
Everything I wanted to say spews out of me.
I fall to the ground.
It's too late now to say the words that are oozing out of my mangled frame.
I should've said them when I had the chance.
She stands over my dying body, expressionless.
She walks away slowly, head held high, and doesn't look back.

The only thing I can do is watch her leave me.

I cannot speak, the words are entangled in the blood on the floor.

I cannot blink, I was forced to watch everything I've ever loved hurt me as they leave.

Tears are my only comfort at this point, the one thing I know I can count on.

Never underestimate
a woman.

My sisters and I were born with
the midnight sky
and the morning sunrise
Brewing in our eyes.

Our hearts burn bright
With loose embers of the fires
That tried to burn our kin.

Our fingertips stretch out far
To touch the spirits of those
Who walked the path before us.

Our bellies ache
For the fruit from the forbidden tree
That men told us we cannot touch.

Our toes tingle
As they carry us to places
We once thought only possible in dreams.

Our minds swell
With knowledge and wisdom
That men can only wish to comprehend.

Women are magic. ✨

The hardest part of you leaving was not the possibility that you may never return

It was accepting the fact that maybe I didn't want you to.

It's too late to fix what you have broken.

It's too late to be the person I pretended you were.

I can't sleep with you running through my mind.
I never wanted to be this weak, dependent on you for my happiness.
I want to be my own person, I didn't want to need a man to make me feel like I belonged.
I hate that he makes me so weak. I hate that I fall so hard. Every **** time I get too caught up in my feelings and I lose myself.
I want to be stronger, I want to live a life that I can be proud of, that gives me reason to be.
There's nothing wrong with needing him, needing love, it's basic human emotion.
But I hate that I can't sleep right now because all I think about is you. Seeing you. Kissing you. Just being with you.
I want to cry, maybe that would make me feel better, to be able to wash you out of my head.
The saddest part is, I'll probably never tell you any of this.
I haven't told you a lot about me, and I don't think you really know me.
We have time though. I want you to know everything, I just don't know how to say it, but I know how to write it.
And I want to know everything about you, because I think I love you and that scares me because I don't really know if I ever loved like this before.
I want him to know who I am, what I see, what I think.
I feel so much and most of the time it just hurts. It makes me ache so badly.
I just want you here. I just want to hold your hand and squeeze it tight just to make sure this isn't a dream.
But then again, it can't be a dream because I can't sleep.
So I'll just lay here, wide awake, pretending that I'm dreaming, that way I can imagine you laying here with me,
holding me tightly,
your sent intoxicating me.
Making me feel whole.

I came to the conclusion as to why parents aren't scared of anything.

When I was little, I always thought my mom and dad were fearless. It wasn't until now that I realize nothing hurts more than a broken heart. In our lives, we cannot avoid having our hearts broken. We lose the ones we love all the time. They either walk out on you or are taken away. Once you experience that, nothing else in the world can hurt you as much. So, you aren't as scared to walk out into the pitch black night when you've gone to hell and back trying to fix your smashed up filthy ***** heart.

Talk to me.
Tell me the truth.
I can't keep living this way.
Give me some proof.

That you're still the man I knew.
The one who said, "I'm yours."
I need you to be that man.
In order to end these wars.

The silent ones were battling each day.
The ones that make me feel numb.
Without you I feel empty inside.
But your wrongs cannot be easily undone.

Things will never be the same.
You broke my heart.
I don't want us to stay this way.
You tore my life apart.

But I can't be mad at you.
I only feel sad.
I wish you'd just grow up.
And I wish that I could be mad.

I want to move on.
But you won't let me.
You live inside my head.
Because I don't believe your story.

So please just tell me why.
I'm a big girl, I can handle the truth.
You can't just use me this way.
I feel like I'm wasting my youth.

I don't know how to start this.
I don't know how it'll end.
Because I don't like where we left things.
We'll never be "just friends."
I just go about my day, while you're hundreds of miles away.

I wonder if you ever think of me, if I'm on your mind.
I hope I am, but other times, I hope you've left the idea of me behind.
I don't want to be the one holding you back.
You are an eagle getting ready to soar.
But if you're still thinking of me, I'll just be clipping your wings, when you could have so much more.

Timing is everything, and time did not give us a hand.
It stood by and watched us as we were drowning in the sand.

You're the only one who ever made me feel like my time wasn't wasted.

I don't know what to do.
But I know the only one I really want is you.

Is our time up?

She told me I made her feel whole again,
Because of the boy that
ripped her apart
gutted her out
and skinned her to the bone.

Little did she know,
She was the one mending me.
Picking up the broken pieces I couldn’t even see.

-friendship

Two months gone, but it feels like a year. Time moves slower without you here.

I miss you more and more each day, I wish you had chosen to stay.

You're always in my head, contemplating all the things I wish I had said.

I see you in the rising sun, but what you did cannot be undone.

The leaves are changing now, but I wish I would have told you how

much I loved you and your spirit, now when the winds blows I can hear it.

That grief you held was too much to bear, because you didn't know of all those who cared.

Free from woe and all the pain, on the day you left, all it did was rain.

The scars of the past won't fade fast, but my love for you will forever last.

You will always have a piece of my heart, for as long as we are apart.

But not for too long, I promise, my dear, because life is harder without you here.

*The pain never goes away, we just learn to deal with it.

My family and I went out to dinner that chilly evening.

As we drove home I cried over you silently in the backseat, hidden by the darkness of the night.

No matter how delicious that dinner was, the bitter taste of you still lingers in my mouth.

When I was younger, I thought falling in love would be like a fairytale.
The prince comes to save his princess locked in the tower and they live happily ever after.
And my prince did come.
He tried to save me.
But the distance was treacherous.
And the fall was dangerous.
So he rode off on his gallant steed.
Now all I’m left with is the image of you.
Leaving me behind.
Yet there is no hate in my heart.
You're still shinning that golden color that I painted you long ago.
You could never tarnish.

Oh darling, you didn't break my heart.

He did.

And I had to sloppily try to fit the broken pieces back together.

But when you left, my heart was still whole, with just a new crack to remind me it's not full.

It's funny how I thought you were my protector, when in fact, you were the one I needed protection from.

Before I met you I slept with a light,

A way to protect myself from all the darkness in my life.


Then with you I did not need a light,

Because you protected me from all the monsters in the night.


Now that you are gone,

All I have left is empty darkness and no protection, just me and my will to be strong.

He balances the sweet in my tea perfectly.

He looks at me with those blue eyes, adoringly.

He runs his hand down my back ever so softly.

He talks about my accomplishments proudly.

He kisses my lips tenderly.

He tells me I’m beautiful daily.

He trusts me faithfully.

He makes the butterflies in my stomach dance fiercely.

He knows, every time, I fall for him effortlessly.

But this time,

He makes me feel like I’m flying weightlessly.

But when I write,
My heart takes flight

With pen held high,
As I watch the ink dry

I've found my place.
Now this world, I can face.

Turn a day downtown into a road trip to another country.
Listen to the music too loud.
Have a drink. Have another drink.
Let loose.
Forget about your problems holding you down.
Remember things are never as bad as they seem.
Lay down under the stars.
Listen to the water splash against the shore.
Feel the cool summer night in your bones.
Touch the smooth rocks beneath you.
Catch a glimpse of love in another’s eyes.
Drink in the moment.
Realize how small you are in the universe.
Remember things are never as bad as they seem.

Why does my heart feel so heavy when it should be taking flight?

How do I fix what's broken if I don't know the wrongs from the rights?

The reason why she had a kind heart,

was because she knew what is was like

To fall apart.

My head hangs heavy from the secrets I keep.
And the only other soul who knows them is already asleep.
That’s because his head is light.
It’s easy for him to keep his lips tight.

After all,
Loose lips
Sink ships.

You’ve been gone so long.

When you left, the summer heat
was impossible to beat.
Now the brown leaves are falling down and a gloomy haze
covers my days.

But I held on to the idea of you.
And even though winter was on its way,
That idea began to bloom.

I was scared of the flowers I’d have to gather,
So I pretended it did not matter.

But then you asked,
“Why do you like me?”

And then I knew, I could no longer pretend.
I knew I wanted a field of flowers.

So, I told you about my hair.

My hair was long and Auburn with my first love.
I soon grew tired of my locks and wanted the sun to shine through each strand.
He did not want my hair to change, but I spilled the light into the darkness and cut it short like my temper with him.

With my next lover, I again grew tired of my bright tresses. So I told him I thought of returning to my hazel mane. He could not rid the image from his mind and wanted nothing more than for me to change my hay colored head.

Then with you,
I still could not decide if my blonde should stay. It grew long and unruly, as I was trapped here without my prince.
So I asked you what I should do.
You told me to do as my heart pleased, and with that, my heart was eased.

Now all I do is long for the day,
that I can gather my flowers in the meadow below.
But I'm high up in my tower locked away,
Just willing my flowers to grow.

Scared and alone, for you my prince, I call.
I hope this tale was enough to save us from the fall.

Your absence has left an ache in my dizzy head.
The end of our fairytale is the only thing I dread.

What is a little sister?

She is placed in your tiny arms after nine months of waiting,

and at the age of two and a half, you don’t think your tiny body can support the weight of her future.

She receives all the attention you were once showered with.

She’s your real-life baby doll, but mommy says this one’s much more fragile.

She is so soft but also kinda fuzzy on top. You never thought anything could be smaller than you.

She’s always the servant when you play princess, or the baby when you play house.

She’s mistaken for your twin all the time.

She falls down and scraps her knee,

and when mommy’s not around, you’re there to dust off the dirt.

She learns so much from you. You realize you have to teach her right from wrong.

She looks up to you.

She wants to be just like her big sister.

She won’t stop following you around. You wish she’d leave you and your friends alone.

She cries because you say you don’t want to play baby games anymore, you’re much too mature for that.

She’s distraught because she feels like she’s losing her friend.

You fight constantly. Lots of

Kicking.

Hair pulling.

Screaming.

But,

she always comes back.

She says you’re her best friend.

She doesn’t get mistaken as your twin now, but you know on the inside you’re identical.

She takes your clothes without asking.

She still does your bidding even though you haven’t played princess in years.

She asks you what to wear because your fashion sense is superior.

She sits patiently as you do her makeup for all the high school dances.

She cries because her homework is sometimes too much to handle.

She feels like the weight of the world is on her shoulders.

She is expected to do so much she couldn’t possibly succeed.

She gets sick a lot and you wonder how after 18 years she could still be so fragile.

She laughs at all your dumb jokes that no one else would understand.

She looks out into the crowd of people as she moves her tassel from right to left.

She never thought she’d make it this far. But you knew.

You hold back melancholy tears.

Your baby sister isn’t a baby anymore.

She’s becoming your role model.

She astonishes you every day with her kindness, creativity, and grace.

She’s the moon to your sun.

She’s your life-long best friend.

She’ll stay with you until the very end.

Caitlin,

I’m so proud of everything you’ve accomplished, but don’t stop now. Your whole life is waiting for you. You must let yourself be open to all its possibilities. A wise person once said that, “A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.” So, set sail on your next adventure. And remember, I’ll always be waiting for you at the shore. Never be scared, because you will always have your big sis to lean back on.

Love,

Your Sun ☀️

Our story is coming to an end.
And I think this time I won't try to save it.
I didn't want to put our book down or finish the last page, but now all I see is "The End."
I won't fight for someone who gave up on me.
No.
This time I will let you fade away,
So the memory of you will not be tainted.
You will always be in the back of my mind.
The perfect blue eyed boy that for a moment in time,
Made me feel happy again.
The traces of your touch, forever left on my skin.
The way you gazed at me, I felt as though you saw right through my faults.
I couldn't help but fill my cheeks with a rosey blush and shy away when our eyes met.
How safe I felt in your presence.
The bruises you left, from kisses and falling back on your word.
It will all fade, but I won't forget a single page.

I feel my heart aching in my chest
as I sit by my phone
hoping to see your name light up my screen.
It was easier with him; I didn't have to worry if he'd text me back because I didn't care if he did.
I knew he wasn't worth it.
But it's hard with you.
It's hard because I feel myself falling and I know I don't have a parachute.
I will hit the ground and break into a million little pieces, just like always.
But the thing is, I did this to myself.
I jumped.
But you,
You stayed on board.

You're the kind of love,
That made all the heartbreak worth it.

I’m seven. My little sister by my side,
at all times. Partners in crime.

Summer afternoons blend into cool nights.
Carefree and light.

Mom calling us to come Home.
Oh, but how we wished to still roam.

The street was ours.
We’d beg our father to let us look at the stars.

I’m twelve. Never did we think,
that in the blink

of an eye
we’d have to say goodbye,

to the Home we once knew,
and there’s nothing we can do.

Because Loretta is sick.
But with you as my sidekick,

I’ll always be at Home.

Green leaves are growing back on the trees.
Warm air fills the flowering breeze.

But her heart is still not at ease.
Sadness is all she sees.

Her soul has been in a deep freeze.
And all she’s left with now are the memories.

Yet there’s nothing she can do with these.
Because it’s harder to stay, than to leave.

I’m broken.
and I wish I could explain why.
especially to her.
but I’ll never be able to.
and I don’t know if I can live with that.

You paint me in a pretty light,
Put me up on your pedestal.
But I’m going to fall.

I’m selfish and broken.
My pieces are scattered.
Most men are scared of my scars.

So see ME.
Not through me.
As the light shines through the cracks.

She tells me she felt different with him then any other boy.
That she feels empty now, but with him she felt joy.

How can I argue with that?
How can I hold her back?

This could be her second chance at forever.
I should be happy for her, however

why am I writing this at 2 AM with tears streaming down my face?

-I don’t want to lose my best friend to him; he doesn’t deserve her

The only way to survive is to see the good in the bad,
the beauty in the pain,
and the sun through the rain.

I hope I’m not just a memory,
Of a little girl who still longs for your touch.

Because I am a grown *** woman
Who won’t use you as a crutch.

My arms.
I see two stuffed sausages waiting to burst at the seams.
You see the arms that wrapped around you
the day you lost Ben.

My hands.
Dry and small, like Forget-Me-Nots wilting in the winter frost.
You see the hands that helped to discover
our secret handshake.

My hair.
A messy nest unfit for robins.
You see the loose locks that you sweep
behind my ears to free my face.

My cheeks.
Prone to red bumps like a ripe raspberry.
You see the opportunity for your lips
to softly trace my uneven skin.

My thighs.
The worst part of me.
With stretch marks carved deeper than the Grand Canyon.
You see the legs that intertwined with yours for
warmth, while our minds slowly fade to
delicious dreams of the future.

Who knew all the bad parts of me,
were my favorite parts of you.

Through cracked lips, he told me I wasn’t good enough.

And I believed him.

My heart froze as I watched the cold breath leave his mouth.

My body felt empty in the wake of his storm.

Little did I know,

I was too good
to waste my love
hanging onto
a broken boy.

When you pop into my head, things get blurry.
Sometimes I feel as though you’re an unwanted guest in my mind.
Other times I welcome you with open arms.
This is because I have yet to figure you out.
Or at least that’s what I tell myself.
I know deep down what you want from me, but I tell myself there’s more to it.
So I keep holding on, waiting for that stream of light to pierce through my skull.
I never give up anymore.
That way, no matter the outcome,
I never really lose.
I live with purpose, not regrets.