I wanted to self-destruct.
And since I was a ticking time bomb,
What better way than to throw myself into the fire.
I’m just waiting to explode.
The aftermath of me will only take one victim.
And I wish it was him.
But I ended up being buried alive.
The suffocation is such a habit now that
It barely takes my breath away.
I’m too cold and numb to feel anyways.

Why do I give you the power to destroy me?

Pitch black.
Ignorant to the world existing outside.
The only thing that lives, is us.
You’re holding onto me.
My hands slide around your smooth yet strong arms.
Safe.
The heat of your breath dances across my face.
My lips tingle in the tango.
Pulling me in.
Intoxicating.
The absence of light,
Illuminating the essence
Of two people,
Engraving each bump and curve.
For a moment, the earth is noiseless.
With a gray blanket of shielded armor,
We’re perfectly protected
In this beautiful moment.
With your head on my chest,
You feel my heart,
Softly
Beating.
I’ve never had these feelings before.
These feelings for you.
Falling.
Slowly.
Then all at once.

I vow to myself,

That night

Was the last time

I let you

Touch my skin.

I’ve cried over you too many times.

I just hope you’ve had some sleepless nights as well.

I’ve learned the hard way that
Nothing is permanent in my life
Except for the ink etched in my skin.

You left me speechless in your wake.
So the only words that come out land on this page.
Our story lives on in a distant memory.

Sixteen.
Destined by your own delicate hands to never
grow old. Long dark brown hair that was often swooped
effortlessly into a ballerina bun. Permanently
sun kissed skin.
Always light
on your toes, as though you pirouetted through life.  
Forever innocent.
A mind so brilliant, so beyond
your limits.
You were my
best friend. Sisters, we would say.
Ever since the second grade, we were undoubtedly,
firmly codependent on one another.
How?
I ask myself,
did I let you fall so simply?
Angelic in life and
whatever may come after.
But for four years now, I’ve foraged in the depths of
my mind, hoping to find an explanation for why
this happened.
Why do these horrible things happen
to us?
You unknowingly taught me that those we love the most
are the ones who leave the deepest scars.
I had spent a long time
hating you.
Hating you for doing
what you did;
how you left us here.
But how can I hate someone who was so
broken inside?
I can’t.
I hate myself,
for only seeing the
perfect, porcelain twirling doll that I put
up on my mantel.
And when that delicate doll fell,
the only one to blame
was fate.

Sometimes I sit alone.
And I wish that I could cry.

Maybe then I can drain the part of you that lingers in my head.

But all I feel is empty.

Your love filled me up.
And now that you’re gone
I feel like The Sahara.

A desolate wasteland.

I’m not okay.
I pretend it doesn’t hurt anymore,
But the truth is I just pushed it down.
The ache in my gut went numb.
But just hearing your name,
Makes my heart break all over again.
I wish this pain would stop.

in·san·i·ty
inˈsanədē/noun

Giving you my heart, over and over again, expecting you won’t drop it like you’ve done every time.
“I did this to myself.”

I pray
you spend
the rest of your life
searching for
the taste of my lips.

In one night stands.
Through I love you’s.
Under promises made.
Next to secrets kept.

But your efforts
will be in vain.
For nothing
could ever substitute
the love I gave to you.

You let it slip by
without blinking an eye.
And now you will never discover
an equivalent lover.

It’s hard to put into words,
How incredibly alone I feel.

Empty inside.

It seems as though everyone else is moving forward,
And I’m stuck.

Frozen in a time,
When there was you and I.

But now there’s just me.
Only me.

My insides are splitting me apart
like shards of glass in my heart.

How can I still paint you in a shining light?
When your wrongs can never be made right.

I get those 4 letter words confused.

One is selflessness.
Not wanting to hang up on those late night calls.
The yearning for the others presence.
Wanting to be better, for them.

The other is selfishness.
3am texts.
The need for a temporary high.
Wanting to pretend he cares.

But how do I mix the two?

Well, because of you.

Love or Lust?
I wish I knew which feeling to trust.

Sticks and stones may break my bones.
But your words will forever haunt me.

You have so much self control when it comes to not choosing me.
And so little when it comes to using me.

Mosaic tiles
make up pieces
of my broken heart.

I long for the one
who won’t see me as a project
but as a piece of art.

Your eyes gleamed with the ghosts of the past.
Your smile could warm the coldest heart.

But I knew this would never last.
We always end up apart.

We started driving down that road too fast.
The intensity was a work of art.

But the devastation of us is something we couldn’t outlast.
We were doomed to crash from the start.