I wasn't thinking straight. I was only thinking about the weight in my chest and the warm fluttering in my stomach when I thought of you.

I don't think you like me.
I'm just fragile and you feel the need to protect me.

I would've told you earlier if I knew it would come to this. If I knew it would come to you not believing me. I didn't know if the time was right or even when that time would be. I'm starting to think I should have kept it to myself and bore the pain in silence.

Tell me where you're getting your advice. I don't think your aid is qualified enough to decipher me.  They may have even told you I would hurt you.

You placed a distance between us and the space made me feel empty. I wasn't expecting anything from you I just wanted to be a little closer. What ever that meant.


When I said I love you and I care about you and I want to protect you did you ever question it?
I would sooner break completely than let our friendship go to waste.
I never wanted more. I just felt more.

Look. What do you see?

I see Black.
But it's not the color Black.
It's emptiness and void.  
It's a heavy heart and a tight stomach.  
It's gasping for air.
It's heavy limbs weighted down with the burdens
of everything most people will never understand.

It's the feeling Black.
The feeling of being lost in a cold dark alley.
The feeling of being unsafe.
Feeling like passing through many different scenes unnoticed
and not necessarily wanted.
Feeling overwhelmed with negativity to the point
where all muscles give up and goals are unreachable.
Feeling the absence of hope.

I see Black.
And I feel as such.

I love your hair the most.
Thick, black
Black in truth and the baring of it.
Black in solidity,
something I'm not used to.

Your eyes, dark brown,  
expressing much more than you allow them to.
They don't reflect the light around them.
They reflect the purity of you.
When I look into them I don't see myself
I see you.
I don't see what I am
I see what I'm lacking.

Your lips are plush like ecstasy.
They remind me of frosted strawberry ice cream.
I wouldn't mind losing myself there,
lingering for days.
Your smile has my heart plunging into fire.
Even a pout will take my breath away.

Whenever you feel insecure about your body
I'm left wondering why.
I'm drawn to it.
All dips and curves.
If you were mine I'd show you
why you should never be ashamed of it.

I sat next to you.
It gave me the opportunity to think.
I can't focus too hard when i'm with you.
I was looking down
but from the corner of my eye
I saw your every movement.
I tried not to make it to obvious
That I was adoring them all.
It seemed as if
You were trying to ignore me.
And that's when I felt it.
Something that's been trapped
In my heart for ages
Tried to break out.
I felt tears sting my eyes.
I heaved only once before I realized
I couldn't cry in front of so many people.
No one knows what's going on.
I willed the tears away.
Told them that if they didn't leave immediately
then I would be forced to take care of them myself.
They left.
I wasn't okay.
But I knew I would have to pretend to be.
Everything is unrequited.

What should you do when you're not good enough.
When you've never been good enough to reach any goal and nothing is expected of you anymore.
What should you do if you want someone so badly and they don't want you.
When you're not what they look for. When they don't see you the way you see them.
What should you do when you can't concentrate.
When there's someone clouding your heart so heavily that even breathing is a burden when working against the force weighing your chest down.

Do you run away from it all?
Where do you go?
Can I come with you?

It's beginning to become to much for me. All these feelings of mediocrity taking over a heart that already felt incompetent.
I don't know that I'll be able to survive this one.
It hurts more deeply that the others.
It's a new feeling in itself and I'm not strong enough to last.
I thought I was strong.
And they thought in was strong.

I told you that I could take the pain.

I've never lied so blatantly before.

I did it to reassure you.
To make you feel at ease at my own expense.
It feels like everything has been at my expense lately.
While I'm falling apart from both the inside and the outside and I have no one.
I have no one and I've never really had anyone.

Who would be offended if I ended my life. Would you blame yourselves? Or would you say it was unfortunate but you saw it coming?

I just want you. I don't need anything else. I just need to get this weight off of my heart before it eats me up and I lose control.

I just want to cry.

So what if I like to be around you?
So what if every moment I'm with you I feel right?
So what if being in your presence makes everything easier?
So what if you make me feel invincible?
So what if I want to be touching you in some way at all times?
So what if I cant stand being away from you?
So what if I feel the need to close every ounce of space between us?
So what if you are the only reason I willingly wake up every morning?
So what if my heart is overflowing for you?
So what if I've felt this way for weeks?
So what if I told you only because I couldn't take it anymore?
So what if it's becoming the only thing on my mind at all times?
So what if I would do anything just to have you?
So what if all the parts of my life not containing you have become grey areas?
So what if I can no longer function properly?
So what if I can barely speak around you?
So what if you carelessly hold my heart in your hands?
So what if I care about you so much that I fall apart at every frown on your face?
So what if I would tear down the sky just to make you happy?
So what if I no longer take pleasure in anything else?
So what if you are my everything?
So what if I'm on the verge of falling in love with you?

*So what if you don't feel the same.

My Dear,
I hold nothing in this world higher
Than the pedestal I've made for you.

I cherish your every breath
And every bat of your lashes
This wind knocks me over
Burns my flaming heart to ashes.

I'm sure you know what it means
When I say you're absolutely beautiful.
It means I've given my heart to you
But only we see the truth of it all.

I can't be without you anymore
I'm sorry, but it's true.
It's become your obligation to stay
Unless i grow completely through.

I'm here for as long as you'll have me;
I'll do whatever you need.
Don't worry about leaving my heart broken.
It's breaking piece by piece.