My Masochistic love,

You abandon me,
You kick me to the ground,
And than you drag me
I get up and still chase you and when I can't get up,
I crawl,
Till I bleed ..
In hopes that when I bleed, I rid you
But I don't,
Shamefully, I love the way you hurt me.

People think they know everything
they really don't know anything at all
they don't know how **** you look when you get out of the shower
or how deep your voice sounds during a phone call.
They don't know how fast my heart beats
when you randomly stare at me
they don't know how gorgeous your body is
when your lying naked next to me.
They don't know about the commitments we've made
in case one of us were to die
they don't know our special word we say
when we want to leave a party early at night.
They don't know about the plans we made
for our future life together
they don't know about the promises we made
or our belief in our love lasting forever.
They don't know about the endless letters you wrote to me
when distance consumed our lives
they don't know about the fears we faced
and all the tears we cried.
They don't know about the fights we had
that only made us stronger
they don't know about the hell we went through
just to stay together.
They don't know the last words you said to me
before you passed away
they didn't see the sparkle leave your eyes
or how your lips went from cherry red to gray.
They didn't know how tightly I squeezed your hand
begging you to hold on
they didn't know the guilt I felt
for ever doing you wrong
they didn't know the thoughts that were in my head
the first night I was home without you
they didn't know about the sleepless nights I had
because I couldn't sleep without you.
They will never know how heartbroken I was
the day I let go of it all
they will never know my last thoughts
as I pulled the trigger and let the last of my thoughts spray all over our bedroom wall.