No one knows I cry in my sleep
I wake up feeling horrible
it is a normal procedure for me to feel like this
I'm feeling down
I want to stay home and never leave

Avoiding people isn't normal
but that's what I do for those I don't know
or anyone else I just can't be around
I'm scared of making conversation
and if there is a way around the crowd
I go away
even if it means going the long way somewhere

All my friends have somewhere to be
it's good for them
but I have nothing
I feel like I bother those around me
and I can't control how I feel

I sound mad and annoyed
but really that's my cry for help
my internal panicking keeps me from acting better

I stay up all night wondering why
I'm tired and nervous all the time
why I'm not important
I have so much time so I question everything

"It's just a phase in life"
"You can overcome it"
"Normally teens are prone to the emotions you feel"
"Why do you do this to yourself? Why make us worry?"

Oh well
why don't you tell me?

In our streets there are diseases
In our faces
In our eyes
Out loud every one cried
"Stay at home or we will die"

I feel more aware
I can see it in the night air
They have ignorant thoughts
I am becoming less distraught
Understanding that
It wasn't just my fault

The devil creeped at my window
and all I could do was stare
he didn't seem as scary
but that was because I had seen him before

Once he was gone
I felt the uneasiness
and the loud shouting outside
I tried to cover my ears
but my hands got tired
and I couldn't anymore

I grabbed a knife and stabbed it twice
and now all I see is
the dark and red eyes

I don't know why
but I woke up again
inside a white room
where I saw faces that I didn't remember

I looked outside my window
and saw the devil chanting
"once again"

I love the way you smile
The way you look at me
Even when I don't see with my eyes

You have malice in your eyes
You're upset inside the fire
Or perhaps
You were the spark all along

torn faces and worn out streets
listening to a band
I fall asleep
walking but here I dream
inside of my mind
no one can reach me

I wake up again
the feeling is never the same
each day
will we ever see the end
we won't ever escape
crying out
"hell is empty"
but it is our hearts that are not filled

I drown in my thoughts
You made me forget
But now I'm regretting it

You are callous
a cold sheet of ice
quickly do you melt
the fire burns you alive

Red, orange, yellow, white
the colors mix together
you can't find yourself
the pain it hurts
the pain I don't dare speak
to tell how I feel inside
all in all
it feels like a crime

You punish yourself
with words you can't take back
It's all fading to black
hit it , **** it, rip it apart
stop yourself from falling apart

the pain it hurts, it hurts, it hurts
the pain I don't dare speak
to tell how I feel inside
don't ******* tell me it's fine

Dealing with these emotions
tell me how you're still breathing
tearing yourself
just try to find the way out
the pain
it hurts
I can't stress it enough

All my life I've been told to do my best
and as the years go by
I  have failed to impress
it seems that I've become the one that they praise
and yet I'm failing algebra
and I am scared that they're going to put me down

I feel like I am falling into another hole
another hole that is empty
and filled with a lot of fears of mine
Maybe I have created this mess
this mess that I've been stuck in
for the longest time

I want everything to go away
I want to feel nothing at all
but I can't do that
I won't do that
because I am scared
I am scared of everything
even life and death

and it's nobody's fault
it's all my fault
it's all my fault
all my fault

cut me into pieces
rip me apart slowly
never thought it would be this way
where I feel so lonely
without you it feels cold
desolate as I float into space
you're my gravity
that pulls me back
in your arms
where I need to be

I've been wandering my whole life
trying to find this "missing piece"
The doctors have all told me that
medicine is what I need
but I don't think it's right
to be even more messed up than I was

Trying to breathe again
you messed up again
you made everyone worry about you
yeah I'm not okay
in the space that I've always been
but I'm suffocating
and wanting the world to end

Yet you can help your friends
without hesitation
you always help everyone else
and here you are killing yourself even more
Yeah I'm falling apart again
and I'm giving in
but I'm not letting go

That "missing piece"
that isn't some type of medicine
or someone else
maybe that can help
but it won't completely help on it's own
that "missing piece"
what I was searching for
it was my own will
self love
that's what it is called

I am screaming inside
and nobody sees
I lash out
and everyone stares
I look at the floor
all I am is compared

Nobody else understands
and I'm stuck in a fight
that I didn't even start

My head is hurting
from all the negative thoughts
the stab wounds gashing at my cells
so tell me when its over
and I can breathe again

I've always been alone
and no one could understand
the way that I am

You're flawless
I am not
Go to somebody else
I couldn't come close to that
Alone in the dark
as you are no longer there

Who shall you be today?
Loving me or despising me
It does not matter now
Since you practically want me dead
I am worthless
A burden
Cowardice is my definition
I wanted to live
Believe me, I did

Crying again
all alone and tired
shaking in my bones
cold and decaying
tell me if you would care
but no
you do not
lies
that is all I hear

Broken, ripped apart
my heart bleeding out
as the stitches come apart

How should it be today?
You don't see or feel
as I do
You don't even feel at all
do you?

Motivation isn't as easy to find as it used to be
Smiling becomes broken and fake
It's harder to pay attention
I want the days to end
but at the same time
I want to really live

you look me in the eyes
feels like the first time
all over again

inside of my head
I knew
I should have been dead
but then again
I didn't know you

now that I am with you
it feels like I knew you
the entire time

How long
Just how long
Until we can come together
Where there is no violence
No need to hate

How long
Just how long
Until there are no school shootings
No one is left behind
No one is discriminated
For simply being who they are

How long
How long will it be
When we are truly free

You ignore me and deny it altogether
you're starting to really irritate me
and honestly it's driving me insane
so you better stop getting in my way

Unbelievable it'll hit you before you know it
all the people know
I am not afraid to cause a scene
by now you should know I do it all the time

Broken
a husk of an organism
a shell that is unable to be
but somehow is alive
breathing inside

Hollow eyes
empty streets
flooding into numbers
when the eyes are opened
it comes crashing in


you can't breathe
can you?

I want to
break your bones
snap - snap - snap
hearing you cry
just like I have

Your guts spilling on the floor
in a pool of blood
my heart doesn't beat
and I don't dare speak
I hate you and I won't say it

You were dead
when you first laid your hands on me
I'm shaking while I break
sinking down in the bed
Awaiting my prolonged death

All that you seem to think is that I am perfect…
When I say that I am not
you try and prove me wrong.
It’s flattering
but if you take the time
and look back on how much I have hurt you
you would most likely say otherwise
I know you mean well
and I know you truly care
but why do you love me?  
What is it about me
that’s good enough for you?

These feelings, they grow strong for you
even though I know
that I don’t deserve you
I always have and always will love you
It’s just my insecurities and my self-hatred
I don’t like myself
and I try to put myself down
I get myself stuck
I don’t want to be like that
I don’t want to cause you problems
or make you leave me
I fear you’ll find someone a lot better than me
someone who you’ll love unconditionally
and looks a lot prettier
a lot better
who actually loves themselves
who will love you as much as I do
Maybe someone who is closer
who you can see everyday
and not have to wonder
‘Will I ever see her again?’
or
‘When is she coming back?’
Someone who is talented
beautiful
someone you can show the world
and she won’t be afraid
and she will be confident
loving
caring
everything you could ever ask for
Everything that I am not
She would be brave
she would stand tall
she would be ready
she wouldn’t be scared to open up

She would tell you everything
and never lie to you

Everything that I could only dream to be

You said it yourself
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Yes, but for how long?
How long until you get tired of me?
How long until you don’t want me?
How long until you notice
every single thing that
is ugly about me?
Until you see that I am not beautiful?
Until you see how much I need you?
How clingy I am?
  How complicated I can get?
It’s exhausting for you isn’t it?

You tell me how you are tired every single day
and yet you still make time for me

I guess it’s because I am not used to love
I am not used to having someone
care for me and actually take the time to listen
and to understand

When I first saw you
I had this feeling
this feeling that I can’t describe
and every time I still see you
or even message you
I still get those feelings
I want to grow with you
and experience new things with you
I don’t want anyone else at all
and I have chosen you to be the one
my only one

Even if you do decide to let me go
I will always love you
I won’t choose anyone else
because I know
that I couldn’t love anyone else
ever again
not the same

If you choose to love another
I will let you
...As long as you’re happy
I’m okay
as long as you live a better life

I’m sorry
  I can’t trust that someone
could actually fall in love with me
and I am sorry
that it had to be you
who is to endure my pain
I never wanted for you to get hurt
I never want you to feel like you’re worthless
or not able to fix it
I don’t want you to think that
I am only with you
to get rid of my problems
that’s not the type of person that I am.

I may not be able to tell you everything
or sometimes
even the truth of it all
everything inside my head
everything I used to be
everything I still am
But I can tell you now

I am not perfect
I don’t intend to be

You feel it coming down
don't you?
The meltdown that you had to have

"You're crying again?" Your friend asked
As you just got done seeing your parents fight
"You're such a crybaby" The boy said to you
After your best friend passed away
"All you want is attention" Your parent commented
After you just got done cutting yourself in the bathroom

You feel it fading away
you wanted death so badly and no one ever understood
"Why aren't they back yet?" Your friend asked
as your desk was empty again
"They're probably just sick" The boy said
trying to reassure himself
"What could we have done?" Your parent wept
as they looked at your lifeless body

Maybe they could have paid attention
or at least tried to understand
Your friend abandoned you because they found someone else
and they never stopped to ask if you were okay
That boy despite him loving you
he never said it
And your parent
they were too caught up in their own problems
and trying to tell you it was all your fault

I spit out fire
from my lungs
the ground shakes
it all comes crashing down
all over again

I feel as though the world
has gone cold
especially without you
here right beside me

When I look in the mirror
all I see is a lie...
A lie that has become a void of blackness
corruption..
It's the worst feeling
to hate the someone that is called "you"
It hurts your head
as the static becomes even more clear to you
The worst part is that nobody knows
and nobody seems to care

"the world is ending today"
it said on a screen from the T.V
we're all messed up anyway
and the world isn't what it used to be
a place where we hate one another
and judge for people's race
or where they came from

A world where everything hadn't changed
like they had said in the history books
from back before our generation was born

"You're the generation of the future"
Oh, well I guess
you'll enjoy watching this world fall apart

everything should go back
to before people were created
it stands on the line
where humans are cruel

and there isn't any light
just a fragment of such
the sun will swallow us up anyways
and the planet would be no more
along with the others

There would just be open space
no more hate
just the memory of one

oh, wait
everyone would die
because it would be
The end of the world

I know I am horrible person
You don't have to keep reminding me
With that look on your face
the hatred in your eyes

Crying and screaming out
yelling at me
spitting out venom

You're in the mirror
you are me
crying my tears
spewing out my venom

punch the sink
hell even the mirror
it does not matter
for you are
the sinner

I want to be someone
someone that is not me
maybe you'll ask me why
but its really not a bad thing

I wanted to be someone better
someone you'd actually believe
but all your insecurities and doubt
they make you question me

You never realized the way you hurt me
and you won't make it up with me
stuck in your own self pity
I know I am shameful
but I want to be someone else
that someone isn't me

Relax and breathe
inhale the scent of a flower
a calming feeling
reducing stress in my head
but only for a few minutes

A little bit at a time
a little bit to let go
and a little bit to hold onto

A curved piece of glass
on a cup
that you hold in your hand
warm and bittersweet
it calms
it soothes

The process repeats and it becomes
an endless cycle
Another afternoon and it's time for tea
grab the same bag and throw it in
ignore all their words
and the way that they hurt you

I'm on the edge
of a cliff near a bridge
The water crashes down below
"Want to forget the pain?"
She asks with a low voice
Her waves crash against the rocks
No one would miss me
No one would care

I look down again
and let myself go
down into the depths
where the seaweed grow

She carries me away
in her welcoming arms
and I feel safe from harm
I let myself drown
and I become nothing
An anchor sinking down
it's easier to say
that I drowned

Mothers are compassionate
mothers are kind
they are the rock of their family
and raise their young

However, some mothers are not compassionate
nor are they kind
they can be selfish
they can be cruel

My mother is one of these
who constantly feeds such addictions
by using plants
and injecting herself with needles
and god knows what else

My mother never raised me
she forced her mother to
because she couldn't pass a drug test
her mother was compassionate
her mother was kind

she still is to this day
and I call her mine

"Oh Mary Contrary, how does your garden grow?"
A hushed question that escapes from his lips
as the wind makes the rose petals fly through the sky
I know why he's here
I know why he spends all his time
tending to the flowers
It's just to see the mess of them that grow upon my head
slowly they take away my vision
and even my health

"Come with me and you'll be the seventh maid in a row."
I shake my head, laughing a little bit
"You're too late..."
"Why is that?"
"I'm afraid...you don't want to know."

Yet he never listened
and in that final moment
in the garden
He said
"Oh Mary Contrary, how does your garden grow?"
The tears leaking from his eyes
"Stay with me, I can't see anywhere that we could go."
I knew he was all alone without me
Cold and dark...
But all I could say was...
"I'm sorry, this flower's already dead."

I'm stuck in this fight and I don't even know what to do
this feeling that is overwhelming
and something that I don't understand
the things that we always argue about
the things that I'm not even used to doing
and the feelings that I keep inside
just to stop myself from hurting you

Even though it hurts so much
I just can't run away
I said I loved you and I meant it
but the feeling keeps on turning back and hurting me even further
Your eyes lock with mine and I drown in the feeling
and it hurts
it hurts
it hurts
but I can't seem to stop loving the one that hurts

twisters inside my brain
feeling tired from the cold
withering in my bones- old

decaying and dissolving to ash
the colors begin to clash
red, orange and black
blue on my lips
i have lost my tricks

fire- endless as it burns
inside my chest
it engulfs me into flames
knowing there is shame