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two           pink          pills         float        me
head               above                 the                    endless                        clouds
i         sink               in           the        sky
slogging.



on.



through.



these.



identical.



empty.


­
barren.



hollow.



stark.



wasted.



unfulfilled.



godfo­rsaken.



destitute.



days.



one.



step.



one.



step.
­


one.



step.



one.



step.



one.



step.



one.



ste­p.



one.



step.



at.



a.



time.



every.



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ticked.



out.



in.



s­econds.



individually.



accounted



for.



brings.



me.

­

to.



my.



knees.



only.



to.



continue.



to.



cra­wl.



forward.



for.



if.



i.



stop.



the.



twilight­.



will.



swallow.



me.



and.



this.



mind.



numbin­g.



purgatory.



will.



turn.



into.



a.



veritable.

­

living.



hell.
it feels like a needle through your nose
except without the pain
you're nothing but a disappointment after disappointment
our eyes locked in the coffee shop
but my trembling heart could not tell you just how i ...
my mind is a jumble
high school was the worst best years of my life
a razor never cuts deeper than rejection
and a fear of failure stopped me
from kissing the girl i thought was cute
getting kicked out of my house
is an unfulfilled dream
i want you to get so angry it hurts
and a punch to the face would
help me more than god or molly
i want what is bad for me
but i can never pull the trigger
on my romanticized downward spiral
herion addicts are my secret heroes
but i was born in the wrong century
but but but but i make nothing but excuses
see what i did there?
if i was sixteen again i'd cut my wrists
and be happier because i never took chances
or danced on the floor
just sat on the wall in a constant
of existing but never really living
i'd rather be depressed than happy
and every second that ticks by
is a second i regret
asiwatchmydreamswiltanddietellingmyselfthattomorrowillgetoffmyla­zyassandlivethewayiwantyetitsbeenfiveyearsandihavenothingtoshowfo­rmyselfexceptafewtattoosafewpiercingsandthisdeepdarkcornerofmymin­dthatpraysfordeathonadailybasisandthinksabouthowillkillmyselfwhen­imthirtyfiveandrealizewhatifailureiamandhowihadeverychanceotmakes­omethingofmyselfbutinsteadecidedtolayinmybedandstareatmyceilingha­tingeveryminutethatiwasntfuckingagirlordrinkingmyselftoapointwher­eicouldonlythinkabouthowtheworldfeelsjustrightwhenimpukingupmylun­chinthebathroomandsleepingonthetileflooraloneagainandidaskthegodt­okillmebuthedratherseemesufferwhatafuckingprick
*****
**** up
loser
I  wish Charles Bukowski was not dead.
I would love to grab a cup of coffee with him,
Maybe even a smoke.
And we could talk about our ****** up lives,
And how we ****** them up even more,
And how happiness is hard to find when you numb yourself.
Charles, I miss ya.
Let’s chat it up in Hell.
written: 11/21/12
-
i cannot tell who you are
by the swing of your step
and i cannot follow your heart
when no path is set.
but if you feel the strongest burst
to follow through
even when it hurts
you my dearest,
will be my hero
which can save me from this place;
your love can take me away..
I don't even understand you anymore.... we used to be so sweet and lucky....
but we're broken; you fight and I hide....

Just save me already,
stop my misery, and take me to the place where you love and want me.

just ******* save me from this hurt.
I'm glad you're back,
The space you left while you were gone was cold,
I wasn't quite sure if you would talk to me,
But the choice you made was very bold,
I love to see you move along,
With terrible poems....
I miss being close, but its just a secret now,
I wish you knew all of this some how....
So be my secret friend again,
It's nights like these I've missed,
Nights like these that have no ends.
I sat outside today,
at the top of the hill in the back
With nobody around I sat there,
and I breathed,
so clear and easy
I felt no restraint,
nothing could go wrong.
The sun was high above me,
the air wasn't thick or heavy,
it was soothing.

I lived today, and finally....
I realized what is really worth fighting for.
tomorrow.
With the cloudy sky reflecting in the drops of dew
we made love in the grass,
the passionate entanglement
left green in our crevasses,
and yellow flowers braided themselves fragilely into our hair
what an uncomfortable experience!

Oh, but, one Ill never forget-
you, always so clean, now covered in green, and me laughing away, red red roses stuck between my teeth as we tumble down that hill, and into the neighbor's yard.
Its full of bicycles, new and red, shiny and broken, small and old
and he says he doesn't mind if we take one for a ride, as long as we fix our clothes and get out of his yard-
Take a shower, he said, you look like you
could blend in with the trees and the buttercups-
and don't come back until you do!
Get rid of that green, and that yellow, and
the red red red stuck in your teeth,
you wouldn't want the any of the real flowers biting your toes,
impostors aren't welcome in a field of daffodils, you ought to know-

So, we took our bikes, rode to the river, and we jumped-
SPLASH!
The colorful droplets fled downstream, and joined the trout-
weren't the fishermen surprised when they pulled in a blue fish,
green fish, and yellow and red!
******* catastrophes
lifting me up and shoving me into the ground
just to show me how worthless I am
I am dirt, I am mud
I'm not the worm, but the slime that encases them

I need to find a way to fight the **** that falls into my mouth
creeping upward
seeping into my thoughts
with a disturbing promise of permanence
and a heavy heavy volume when it claws it's way back to the tip of my tongue
but only when I'm trying to respond to your stupid, misguided compliment.
This was an excercise from my Writer's club- we had to write a poem starting with a cuss word. DO IT
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