What's been and past is not worth mourning
We'll only see the pain the negative heed my warning

Memories of pain a lovers heartbreak
A face two eyes a terrible mistake

The way your mother said she'd always be there
Or the way you buried a loved one it just isn't fair

The past is doomed it travels on our back
Waiting for when we're vulnerable it ready to attack

Leave the past where it is what's done is done
Don't look behind don't look back move forward, run.

My sentence?  Life imprisonment
Trapped within an invisible cell
Condemned to endure a silent torture
In a self-created hell.

Each day the same as the last one
A routine known off by heart
Granted family and friends play the role of extras
But I always star as the leading part.

The role of the happy-go-lucky
Who laughs and always seems overjoyed
Who comes to the aid of the extras
But happy-go-lucky inside feels destroyed.

Completely defeated serving this life sentence
It seems theres no hope of gaining parole
Questioning a future outside of this self made prison
Ill mental health finally taking its toll.

His eyes wild flowers dancing lazily across my body frozen in time
We both dared not speak for breaking quiet thoughts seemed to much a crime

When words finally fell from his perfectly misshapen lips
He told me he loved me and traced my skin with his fingertips

Love drunk I sighed and reached for his face
Forgetting anything else only focusing on this place

This place we only knew as our lovers secret hide out
Scattered with memories and hope there was no room for any doubt

If I had seen or predicted what was in sight
Maybe I would of held onto him tight that night

He left in the dark with those wild flower eyes
No letter no call slowly time always flies

His wild flower eyes that danced in the light seem now like a dried up haze
I sit here once again with my quiet thoughts looking out and just gaze.

I walked into a room today -
Where someone had sprayed your Cologne.
It took me back to being in one of your three bedrooms, watching you light a cigarette or dress into your favourite joggers and flip flops.  

I could smell your skin again, I could smell home.

I stayed there for a few minutes too long, caught up in my own thoughts of what seems to be a lifetime ago, perhaps it was.
I thought of endless beach days and cooking lessons.
I envisioned dark chocolate eyes and unfinished tattoos, I remembered silly nicknames and secret sensitive spots.

But then my nose got used to the rooms fragrance -
and just like that again, you were gone.

The rain taps violently against the glass which has been crying again all night
Tears stream down it's see through face until the morning light

As I sit here and look out watching droplets fall from each green leaf
I wonder why the heavens mourn who has given them so much grief?

For who could have such an effect to make even the heavens cry?
I think out loud to myself who is this person and why

Maybe the sky mourns the loss of a beautiful romance
Or perhaps the sky was too keen and made a quick advance

Perhaps it was the sun who was to shy and hide beneath a cloud
Or maybe the sun had other interests to the moon she was vowed

And so the heavens weep and weep for reasons I know not why
But I'll stay awake with the rain as it falls from the night sky.

I have not forgotten how it felt to be reckless at 17 and alive
Purchasing the cheapest bottle of chemicals with the highest volume from that shabby 24 hour petrol station.

I have not forgotten how it felt to stay up until sunrise
Tresspassing in privately owned fields before phoning home to say goodnight and lying about sleepovers at well to do houses.

I have not forgotten how it felt to giddily kiss my best friend until we fell asleep
Only to realise he had fallen in love as the stars fell away and summers amber blaze crept up over the hill.

I have not forgotten the quite car journeys home
Driving away from those memories those summers and those friends  although they have all misplaced the colour of my eyes and the echoes of our laughs -

*I have not forgotten.

The walls of this room have seen too much to be called innocent and pure,
Each starring at one another,

Not uttering a sound always keeping quiet,
Keeping in all the secrets to shameful to be told,

All the memories both violent and romantic,
Both saddening and happy,

All disappearing as time goes by.

When enough time has passed to be able look back
back before, and leading up to what I now write
back to the blossoming beginning before the inevitable end
back to when all my time on you I would spend

Reflecting on days quickly wasted and nights far to prolonged
prolonged memories not quickly enough forgotten in mind
prolonged feelings that never cease to leave me, to end
prolonged ideas of how our relationship I thought I could mend

The sad reality of it all is nobody is really yours to keep -
it's just your turn and I've learned actions, emotions and talk are all cheap.

I am grateful you existed
For a short time in my life.
Teaching me guys can be selfless
Showing me boys can be kind.

I am thankful for the new experiences
That I got to share with you.
You taught me many a lesson
And made many a dream come true.
Like pottery and Paris
Pic n mix and Polaroids.
Also birthdays and BBQs
Brunch and bike rides.

I am appreciative of your patience
Even when I was too hard to love.
I will remember you as a beautiful coincidence
That now I can let go of.

Drifting apart like bed sheets when I wake, making a cup of coffee trying not to take
A look in my direction
last night clothes lie in a heap, you leave through the front door
I fall back to sleep

Simple things usually create the happiest smile,
However those simple things only stay for a short while,
But before those simple things run away from my mind,
I want to tell you Harry these moments where my smile shined,

Back in 2011 is where my smile lies,
Behind a past of friendships parties and starry filled skies,
Where life was easy and dream could come true,
Were a friendship was unbreakable between me and you,

But then came 2012 filled with alot of change,
Smiled where for different reasons my smile became strange ,
Things that made me smile like getting through the day,
Reading books, blogs, changing my way,

It was a happy year really it started off like a bomb,
Somthings sure where tragic something where estatic one thing was called Tom,
Looking back at the year with only few I called friend,
Makes me smile at how strong I was not to  follow the trend,

2012 taught me how to be myself,
To stick up for what I believe in my opinions not to be left on the shelf,
2013 a new story will begin,
And at this new opportunity Harry I'll wear a dazzling grin,

So here's to the small things in life that have yet to make us smile,
Embrace every moment I'll make them all worth my while.  ©

I was conceived in a thunderstorm
and you had drugs in your system from birth.
Who knew two sorrowful beginnings ---

would make me love the sound of rain
and you the smoke that filled your lungs.

*A.R

You came unexpectedly
The sound of our laughter and our silent tears
The smell of stale tobacco and alcohol
The excitement the thrill the joy


You left unexpectedly
The sound of my cries and my silent tears
The smell of t total
The disappointment the pity the sadness

Skin and bones thats all you are,
Staring at the small lines on your wrists to many a scar,
Crying slowly into your shoulder,
You lower your head to mine and hold me closer,

You're high again running wild in your head,
So many cigarettes have passed your chapped lips you'll end up dead,

But you're gone in your own world melting with the stars,
It's as if we're on different planets I Venus you Mars,

I'll always be waiting and maybe we'll talk and not just speak,
You'll pull that face at me and i'll fall weak,
But until that day we'll ignore each other, we'll look like enemies,
You'll pretend you don't know me, we'll be Strangers with Memories. ©

You always loved the sea
and maybe thats why  as i stare into the seas blue abyss -
you’re on my mind.

I go through waves of missing you
each wave bringing a new heart ache -
today the way you’d always speak your mind.

We thought we’d have floods of time
thats the thing about the ocean -
it brings floods that destroy,  just like you destroyed my heart
and drowned my mind.

*A.R

The only one by my side was my shadow
and my only comfort therefore was my mind
Too much distress I wanted to voice and let go of -

but my mouth thought it too selfish a crime.

The days have gotten shorter
and my heart begins to heal
springs warm sunshine comes creeping in
I'm starting to be happy again, to feel

Even the nights aren't so lonely anymore
and I enjoy being on my own
I'm recovering, I'm moving on, I'm appreciating
the fact that I'm alone

*And although at times I do reflect and miss how we once were
I acknowledge and accept you've moved on
it's not me you want,
it's her.

Today is the last of my teenage years
Emotions mixed - between excitement and tears
The end of an era - time to say goodbye
Feelings of nostalgia begin to fly
Longing for more time to be young and to be free
In adulthood so many expectations will be placed upon me
It hurts to know ill never again be a child
Gone are my school days, my underage days, my days of being wild
I guess I hold onto the past so much that it hurts to let go
Like Peter Pan in Neverland I wish I'd never have to grow
I must acknowledge that change is good it's a new chapter a new start
and even though I must move on I'll always be a teenager at heart.

It has been one year this spring.
The flowers have resurfaced - everything is reborn.
I sit alone in a different country, at a different age, as a different me. And yet
I hear the ocean waves from another lifetime crashing in the wind.
Nostalgia has a cruel sense of humour.
Don't you think?

I wish I had the right words
To tell you how I feel.
They'd be beautiful and raw -
And be exactly what you need to hear.
Rather than all the silence
And the ticking of a clock.
Telling us how much time and distance -
Is passing, whilst no one says a word.

There's something deliciously beautiful about watching another inhale fumes from a cigarette,
sat on the window sill, or led in bed.
There lips caress the filter, hand sturdy, still,
a slow drag in, pause, out.
Swirls beyond swirls seen in the moons dim light,
here the tragic line between beauty and death.

I lived on the words you wrote me.  On my back at 2 a.m.

Society is disease
Spreading, coursing through my veins
Choking my lungs
Polluting my brain

Skin, bones, eating disorders is beauty
Being underweight is ****

stomaching to much emotionally not enough physically

Maybe i should take on smoking to get me through the day
Maybe i should do drugs to take the hunger away

Society expects too much and gives to little
This world is so corrupt.

You once wrote me I was beautiful
You wrote that I was strong
But yesterday you left without a word
I guess your affection didn't last so long,

You should know it's not your fault we drifted
It's not your fault I keep going back
I understand you were trying to protect me
To keep me on the right track,

But somewhere in-between the arguing
Somewhere in-between your pain
I knew I had to take a step back
Our friendship I needed to limit, to restrain,

I don't expect you to understand it
I don't expect you to fully forgive
All I want is for you to be happy
For your new life at Uni to live,

And maybe one day we will  speak again
Maybe one day we'll sit back at the bank and smile
I don't expect it to be anytime soon
But I know I can wait a fair while,

I hope you don't leave me on your bedroom wall
I hope you take some of me in you mind
If ever you do find yourself thinking of me
Look out across the ocean

and you shall find.

I used to wonder what it felt like;
To love someone so completely, so honestly,
so fully that they left stains on my soul
and crumpled creases in my brain.

Instead I receive tear stains on my face
crumpled creases in my hands.
Lies torn off the paper.

You wanted to explain why you did the things you do,
say the stuff you say and act the way you act.
But -

I need not know.
Sometimes puzzled look better scrambled,
mirrors better cracked
and a heart better cold.

Im just a notch in your bed post
But your just a line in a song

Waiting for you love is like waiting for an ocean to empty.
It will take forever and it will never happen.
There are far too many gallons of water, just like our gallons of problems.
And we will drown in them before they are solved.
The ocean has plenty of fish and it makes me sad you still wish to explore it, when I am here waiting for you to want me...
You linger in the shallow waters, afraid to take the plunge. Afraid of what may be waiting for us in it's unknown depths.
Yet I am here, I am in the deep end waiting.  I don't know how long I can keep treading water for you.
Please, don't allow me to sink...

I am young, foolish in love
Drinking all night looking at the star filled sky above
Thinking of nothing, feeling high
Living life for today no regretful sigh

Making mistakes, many a false friend
Crying into the pillow at dusk wishing it would end
Putting on my favorite record, feeling alive
Driving fast in your car together we strive

Bad breakups, and sad love letters
Drinking tea in ugly granddad sweaters
The way the boys romanticized the words they'd speak
This is life perfect, hopeless each life unique.

Winter frosts fill the sky,
Summer and autumn have all flown by,
The trees left bare standing alone,
A child cold and tired starts to moan,

Icy lakes and cold crisp air,
Presents and wine ready to share,
Singing songs in the car,
Saying "don't worry its not too far",

The fire goes out in the place,
Winter stares us right in the face,
For dark and gloom is all we see,
Nothing warm apart from our tea,

The man in red and in white too,
Comes bearing gifts for me and you,
He places them carefully under the tree,
Little tots tucked up in bed waiting to see,

For Christmas is always the best time of year,
For love, and joy and being sincere.

I am a frequent visitor of Rock Bottom
Let me tell you it's one hell of a place
From the moment your eyes open in the morning
Hopelessness greets you with a smile on its face

Some of my visits are shorter than others
A long weekend, maybe a night or two
But no matter the length of the visit
The same activities are always waiting for you

We start the day with some deep over-thinking
By lunch its time to continuously cry
Evening is full of self hatred
Come nightfall you stop asking the question "why?"

The environment is less than appealing
The reviews state: dull, dreary, cold and grey
The views only get sadder and bleaker
The longer one decides to stay

Even though the visit is awful
And the experience is less than OK
One can't help but return to Rock Bottom
Each time life turns to utter disarray.

You are the book I have read over and over
The book with the ripped pages, the cracked spine
I can't say I remember every word, sentence, or chapter
But I can still recall that final line.