Gout.
I have heard of this obscure disease
Maybe in a Dicken's Novel once
A disease of indolence and wealth
Of red meat and alcohol
Of excruciating pain with no cure.

It winds up being in
The top ten most excruciating conditions
And my husband of 28 years has it big time

We are neither indolent or lazy
We don't drink hardly at all
We have almost no risk factors

Now this gout is chronic
Driving my husband from sleep
To the ER at 3 am this morning
Try prednisone this time. Sigh.

Aging is not fun
There is something as bizarre
As chronic gout
Who would ever guess
Such a weird thing
When you are 25?

I feel entirely powerless to help
Other than to pick up the slack
Do more chores,
Bring him pillows or an ice pack.

Enjoy your youth because
We are feeling it at only 53

The Buddha says we will all suffer
We all become older.
We all get sick
We all die

The mastery lies
In having pain, without it
Turning into suffering
But you can meditate a lifetime
On one koan
And still never achieve
Liberation.

When I was young I took it for granted
Smooth muscles gliding past each other
Tolerance for imperfect situations
And a general ease about life.

If I had to do it over again
I would have appreciated
My youth more than I did
Now that it is gone, it is most
Revered,
like the Buddha.

Maybe next lifetime

I hope Osama and his companions
Are enjoying themselves in an
Eternal Hell made just for them

After the bombings of Embasies
In Kenya and Tanzania
We took little notice,
When we should have.

Myself, I traveled to both.
Foolish in retrospect.

He was already a FBI fugitive
Before 9/11
But people in the US
Have a way of distancing
Ourselves from 3rd world incidents.

Whatever reason, it was ******
On a horrific scale
The US will never be the same.

As I mentioned prior,
9/11 did not shock me
With the universal hatred
Of all things having to do with the US
I traveled not saying anything
Nor waving a flag.

There are kits available
To pretend you are Canadian.
When you travel to the 3rd world
To avoid the hatred of the U.S.

We are known internationally, for:
Obesity
Wearing gym shoes
The world's nicest teeth

I anticipated a bomb somewhere
Never thought it would be planes.

However, my opinion does not count
Because I am a nobody, politically.
And there would be nobody
To listen to my advice that
We should have increased our safety level

So, what happened, happened.

God bless all those who died in the attack,
All of the survivors that watched
Manhatten crumble.
Bless the 340 firefighters who died valiantly
Bless all the people who had to chose:

Between burning to death or jumping

If there is one thing I admire
Is the fine poetry all over this Hello site.
I so admire those who have such
Facile skills with words.

I find I can't write a single
Poetic sentiment
Leaving me with
Envy mixed with Admiration.

So I thank you all for sharing
Your wonderful gifts with me
Im truly in awe.

I have different gifts which are irrelevant
Im really good at advanced math and science

I try to bring my mind to a artistic place
And it just won't settle there.

Thank you all again.
I love your work.

~Arianna Elise Darshani

How I watched the towers fall at work
But how, unlike others,
I was not surprised.
If you've travelled to the 3rd world
You know of this kind of hatred for the US,
Ahead of time.

A rampant disaster for sure
But it did not surprise me.

Child ****
Should have no
statute of Limitations
You can hunt them down
Long after
It is too late.

I went out to smoke.
I heard one lonely cricket.

In the Winter
Even he will perish.
And I will be alone.

The Amazon is calling.
A Winter trip
shaping up.

The Amazon
I've visited-
In Peru and
In Brazil,
There are
1000 voices
All the time

With no seasons
And no Winter

My last trip out of the country
Was Carnival in Rio

The Samba parade in Rio,
It is truly the 8th
Wonder of the World

The most physically amazing
Yet, intensely ******,
Thing I've ever seen.

So many beautiful women
Such a celebration of their form

Some in feathers
as large as my living room
Others, only in a thong.

All because of Lent?

Not a Brazilian,  
My memories
still make my blood hot
enough to melt the snow

And I realize
I need to see the
Amazon again

I'm reminded, also
That I am,
my mother's daughter

The Samba was so hot
It melts your clothes off.

Save your pennies
And go.

Has not enough been said
About Cecil, the Lion?

This has brought me to tears.

For those who don't know
Cecil lived in a Wild Life park
In Zimbabwe.
There was no hunting allowed

So, some sick *******
Who is a big game hunter
Dragged a antelope carcass
So that Cecil would
Come out of the park.

He, then, shot Cecil
With an arrow
And Cecil was tortured
Over forty hours.

Cecil was tracked down,
He was shot with a gun,
He was decapitated,
He was skinned.

How is it that
What is so magnificent
As a Lion
Is seen as nothing
But a head and skin
To decorate your living room?

I've been to Kenya
And Tanzania.
They are glorious creatures
In the wild.
Why not just take a photo?
Or just enjoy their magnificence
And then leave
With your enhanced soul?

They say psychopaths
Practice on animals first

This sick pathology
Has to end, not only for
Animals but humans well.
This man had a felony conviction
For baiting black bears.
He belongs in prison
Although many think
He should be decapitated
As well.
People are angry.

And Cecil's Cubs?
I used to watch a show
Called:
"Big Cat Diaries"
And their fate is sealed
As well.

Lions practice infanticide
And when a new male
Comes to Cecil's pride
He will **** all of Cecil's offspring
To make their mothers
Go into estrus
So they can breed.

One cub has been killed
And not much hope for
The other eight.

Our neighbors bait
Black bears, **** them,
Skin them, stuff them
And put them in their house.

They seem to just enjoy
Killing things for no reason
They find great joy
In killing things.

They seem like
Nice enough people
But when you have
So little respect for Life
Can't it haunt
Your human ties?

I honestly feel
Like someone
Has shot my dog.

And it makes me weep,
Though the story
Is now old.

This man should
Go to prison,
And in Zimbabwe.
Send the world
A huge message
That we are not Neanderthals
We don't have to
To **** things
Out of sheer joy.

We should not reduce
Living things to
Heads and hides.

Perhaps I should
Not go into details
So I won't.

Just that . . .

In six months
My father
did more damage
to me.
Than my entire
Rest of my life
Combined.

Thank God
he did not raise me.
I would have perished.

Only that six months
that still rages like a forest fire
In the calm forest
Where I abide.

We all have problems
With our parents
But he is very perverse
By anyone's standards.

How many people
Start a *** cult?  
And then invite
their 11 year old daughter
To come visit?

So I left my mother
Who had sole custody.
What a bad mistake.
I was only eleven.
Mistakes are allowed.
Gullibility is expected.

"Grooming" is not recognized,
for what it is.  

I only hang on now
Based upon the
Magnetism
Of genes shared.

A few emails per month

He in total denial
But that's not rare.

I guess it's best
To not say anything else.

There is too much
to say.
And it happened
Forty years ago.

I have found new fathers
In my life.
That's good enough.

At my age
I am not seeking out any fathers
But did seek them out
For two decades.
That's over with.

~Arianna Elise Darshani

We have tree flogs
On the hunt
On our windows

Others are croaking
In the forest.

We have an orchid light.
The light attracts moths.

The frogs come to hunt the moths.

We watch them hunt.
While they are plastered
on the windows.

It is quite entertaining.

They are accomplished hunters.

I also feel like,
We exist in the scheme of things.
Connected to nature
by creating a hunting ground
For tree frogs.

I had a simple wonder, one day,
As to why the moon has been yellow
Particles in the air, of course,
But what particles and from where?

I did some research on the wild fires in Canada
There is a jet stream carrying smoke
From Saskatchewan down to Iowa
Covering Minnesota, where I live.

This is an example of how the Earth is One Place
Events thousands of miles away can occur
Anywhere else on the Earth

And my first experience of allergies,
I willingly accept as part of the wild fires
That rage in Canada
Over one thousand miles away.

Harder to accept is,
the Fukishima nuclear plant which
Is still pouring radiation into the sea
And how that radiation has
Made its way to the US West Coast
All the way from Japan.

Something so very far away, is simultaneously,
So very intimate and near.

The Earth is all One Place
And we are part of the Earth

We make the Earth our *****
Instead of our intimate and loving partner.

~Arianna Elise Darshani

We had a EF3 tornado
It destroyed our house
A child died.
We moved on
All of our pets lived
I felt we should not *****
About "stuff"
When two people lost their lives
One a toddler,
Nathan Prindle.
I did not know him
But I mourned over
The death of such
A young child.

They say that what does not
**** you, only makes you stronger
I find that to be true.

There is a zen saying:
My barn burned down tonight
Now I have a better view of the moon

I'm here to spread the news that.
Despite its bad reputation with people
Back surgery works like a charm.

When I was 23, I injured my back lifting weights
I began to have chronic back pain
I researched what was the best thing for back pain
And yoga came to the top

At age 28, I began 8 years of yoga
That I practiced every day
My back pain was reduced until my age of 35

When yoga eventually failed
I moved in to physical therapy
That worked into my late 40s

I was rear ended in a car accident,
With the car entirely totaled.

That was the beginning of the end.

Nothing "alternative" worked anymore
I felt like there were razorblades in my groin

I would fall for no apparent reason
And then could not stand back up
I went to my doctor about it
He said if I got a MRI, that surgery would be the next step
Since surgery has such a bad reputation
I skipped the MRI

I was riding horses at the time
One day, I went to get a horse in the pasture
I kept falling and could not stand
I thought it was due to the mud.
I had to crawl through the mud and horse ****
To get back to the barn.

I thought once I was on concrete
That I could stand
But I couldn't
The stable manager helped me
To the office.
I rested for half and hour
And then drove home.

We were watching TV
In our downstairs family room
I went to go upstairs
And in the middle of the stairs
My legs stopped working

We drove to the ER
I had an emergency MRI
It showed that my disc was entirely extruded
And surrounding my spinal cord.

I went for emergency back surgery.
The procedure was called a microdiscectomy
They just took the gel
Away from my spinal cord
And within 2 hours of surgery
I could walk again.
I noted how easy it was to walk.

After a few weeks of just weird stuff
Like lightning bolts down my legs,
My back entirely healed Within 6 weeks
And that was the end of 27 years
Of back pain.

I often tell young people that
I had an extruded disc that
Was older than they are!!

It's been 5 years now and my back is cured.
If back surgery did not have
Such a bad reputation,
I could have saved myself a lot of pain

Microdiscectomy has a 95% cure for referred pain
In my case, it had a 30% cure rate for back pain
I am in the lucky 30%

Back surgery does work
And every year
There are more advances.

I went to my surgeon
And gave him a present
And a big hug of thanks.

Spread the word!

Aging is one if the more difficult aspects of life.
By the time you are in your 50s
You wonder why your life looks so protracted.
It seems you were 25 just a few seconds ago.

More people your own age are dying
Or they are suffering from chronic illness
You know sickness and old age are inevitable
You know your prayers for good health will be denied.
You can reduce some aging by exercise or diet
But in the end, even the most meticulous of us, die.
Your 70s don't seem that far in the future
Especially if your parent died at age 58.

There is no guarantee that you will live to 70
Or any age, at all.
You have sick friends and you know they are going to die
And leave you alone.
My best friend is in failing health.
My spiritual teacher has recently died
My husband has chronic illness
He got a blood clot, and that could have killed him.
There is the reality that I could have easily lost him.

Im not feeling any special purpose in life.
So I can't preach.
I'm trying to keep fit, and to chase old age away
For awhile.
I meditate upon nothingness
I practice Mindfulness.
I recognize you have to have faith in God
Even if you become old and sick
It's nothing personal.
We are just destined to have sickness and old age.

So, truly, if you are young.
Enjoy your youth.
Soon enough. You will be in your 50s
It happens in a flash
And our lives are minuscule
Compared to the aging Universe.

I'm in recovery from crossing paths
With a psychopath.
I don't use the word lightly.
He had just been released from prison
For ****** against his 7 year old daughter

Fortunately, he is far away.
2000 miles away.

Fortunately this interaction
was email, only.
Fortunately I was not harmed
Fortunately, I was not stalked
Fortunately, I was not kidnapped
Fortunately, I was not *****.

I researched Ted Bundy
how he would wear a fake cast
And use crutches to lure women to him.

Psychopaths always have charisma and charm
In the beginning, anyway.
They are experts in fooling people.
I didn't do anything wrong.
I was merely fooled.
And it won't happen a second time.

I realize that I am far too "nice"
I am one who would have helped Ted Bundy
Get his briefcase, and help him
put it into his car.
Not anymore. Id rather be safe than sorry.
It's not a requirement to help people out.

I'd rather be paranoid
Than to allow any other psychopath
Into my life.

No more "Minnesota Nice"

We have a Siamese cat who finds a space to nest in.
She once was pregnant and had 3 kittens.
There was no runt, no placenta, no liquid.
Just three tiny, fluffy kittens in with my underwear.
We kept the little one and named her Peanut.
The mother cat, continues to nest
Though she's been spayed
Like she expects to have kittens any time now.
Even now, 13 years later.
Animals can be very strange.
You have to love their weirdness.
It's part of who they are.

Dear Swamiji,

How I miss you
Since you've gone away
I know you are in a better place.

How can I begin to describe
How much you have meant to me

Your calm voice
Your touch

You have been my father
You have been my mentor
You have been my friend

I am a grateful recipient
Of your unconditional love

You have been my spiritual guide.

You have taught me relaxation
You have taught me meditation
You have initiated me into the Tradition
You have taught me Yoga Nidra.

Thought your 83 year old body
Was wracked by illness
You never suffered
And you always had an easy smile on your face

My last lesson, which is how to alleviate my suffering
Was never completed
And now you are not there
To teach me.
Not in corporeal form, anyway

You spoke of Will and it's a Koan
I have not found a resolution to

You have forgiven all my many flaws
You have forgiven all my mistakes
I have have been filled with plenty of both
You never rejected me
Nor did you abandon me

I came across your teaching
At age 19
And then studied with you directly
For 20 glorious years.
And for 33 years I have benefitted
From your sacred words.

Somewhere a lotus flower
Grows in the mother Ganges.
It is blooming for you
And bears silent witness
To the legacy of your life

Death has not set us apart
You will live in my heart forever
Truly, you will be the jewel in the Lotus
And i will continue the work.

I will continue to study your teachings
And I will live the way you have lived
To the best of my ability.

Dear Swamiji, I love you and I miss you

~Arianna Darshani

What is really important in life
Is the delicate art of growing plants

Of course the animals come first!
My dog and three cats.

I have orchids the size of a quarter
I have a 7 foot tall Cape Jasmine tree in my porch

All of this challenging, growing things tropical
While it is -20F outside, living here, in Minnesota!

There is nothing like feet of snow,
Piled so high you are house ridden,

With a porch filled with tropical plants.

Sometimes I pretend I'm in Maui.
And I'll lay in the sun for as long as it's out.

The days get short here.
I believe the shortest day is close to
9 hours!

Having some help from plant grow lights
That guide the flowers but also
Brighten the house.

The plants have to speak to you.
You need to listen to them,
Long before they have a hint of brown.

I let my plants speak to me,
And they seem guided by my voice.

~Arianna Darshani

I compared this psychopath/****** person to an animal.

No offense to the animals!

Animals are wonderful and I have a house full of loving pets!

You did not shatter me
I never lost my center
Even as you attacked me with your fangs

And now you will find, that by escaping you,
That I have only grown stronger

Im strong enough to own a conscience
Im strong enough to contain a soul

You will never have what I have
You will never have Love
You will never have Hope
You will never have a sense of Beauty
Nor will you ever be Innocent

You are nothing but an animal
Who has to **** your own child
in order feel anything at all.

How ****** up is that?

You are why I believe in Hell.

Good bye and I thank you
for the hard Life lesson learned.

Thank you for making me stronger.

~Arianna Darshani

Children who have nothing are crying

We drown it out with our preoccupations
I do, too!

Can you imagine the Republic of Congo
And what children there, suffer?

I have travelled to the 3rd world extensively and
Have been to Nepal and Madagascar.
The children suffer in a brutal way . . .
that is hard to wrap your head around
If you've never left the US, Canada or Europe,
Australia or Japan.

How can we have a conscience
And let it go on?
We pretend it's not happening
But it is.
Google "Jared Fogle".

Let us amend the Constitution
And create a safe haven for crime victims
Let's have a two strikes and you're out
Law for pedophiles who pray on children
Under 12 years of age.

For me, I can no longer look at it
With a blind eye
For helping the children
Is what I was trained by Life experience, to do.
I was one of those children once
And not a single person cared.
Let me be there for the current
Child victims
And let's try to heal that part of
Our sometimes, twisted world.

Let me do all that I can do!

All I ask of you, is to think about children
suffering around the world for just 10 seconds.  

~Arianna

When I was 22
I came across a man.
I immediately knew
he was my soul mate.

I felt that Id known him
Indefinitely and that we'd
Always been together.

We fell in love and married.

My husband is a modest man.
His greatest quality is
Kindness, followed closely
by his sense of humor.
He is also very intelligent,
wise and humble.

He is a truly superlative
Human being.

What is most important
Is that he has loved me
Unconditionally, for 31 years
We are both 53. And I have
Returned his love.

Our marriage is sacred
and something as apparently banal
As holding hands,
Is a sacrament.

His great hobby is to
tinker on Lotus cars.

He has 3 cars and
A man cave that is truly
A shrine to cars
And car parts.

The shrine has
It's own furnace
And air conditioning.

You have to make sure...
To keep your cars warm
In Winter!
We live in Minnesota,
after all!

There are some areas
where we could grow.

One area is that he
occasionally, does not take care
of his physical health.
I then, worry about his health
for him.  

But, ultimately, he is an adult.
He has to make his own choices
And I have to accept
his health choices.

He is a manly man, and
is very stoic.  That is not
my favorite quality.
He will not share his pain
with me.

What I have learned is that part of
Love is to accept your spouse's
weaknesses.

In that way
I've fallen in love with his stoicism.
It's part of the whole of
Who he is.
You have to love the WHOLE person.

Every day I appreciate him.
Every day I tell him
how much I love him
Every day I am grateful
to have such a wonderful man
in my life.

What a blessing it is!
There is nothing better in life,
than my husband!  

When he enjoys tinkering
with his cars,
I am truly happy for him and
I share in his joy.

I want to grow old with Dave
I want to retire with him.
We want to retire to Oregon.

I want to LOVE him
Until my dying breath.

Id like to be with him,
Forever.

Beyond Death,
As well.

I believe Love
transcends death.

Of all creatures that exist on earth,
I think the cat is the most fascinating.

We take them for granted
because they are so common.  
We don't give them a second glance.

It is said that pound for pound
Cats are the earth's supreme
predators. I agree with this.

The big cats are the most beautiful animals.
But I'm talking about house cats, now! :)

I am especially intrigued as to how
Felines can be sleeping and suddenly can
do extreme acrobatics.

This seems impossible and yet it's so.
A magic trick with no smoke, no mirrors nor
any explanation.

The cats who own me, are three.
Mocha, Peanut, Qweeny.
Mocha and Peanut are on my profile photo  

The cats who own me
Are indoors, strictly
But I have watched feral cats
Hunt things as big as a rabbit
Felines can take down prey
that are half their own body weight.
That is truly impressive.

However, cats can also be prey
And a large hawk or eagle
Can end their lives.
So while they prey upon rodents
They also make themselves
vulnerable to predation.

I find this predator/prey aspect
of their existence
To be fascinating.
Natures balancing act!
A great study for Evolutionionary
Genetics of felines.

More of a cat person than a dog person
Loving their velvet paws
And loving purring
Over the constant panting of dogs

Cats are the cleanest animals and
Just one more reason to love them.
I admire this quality of cleanliness.

Cats were worshipped in Egypt and
I feel it's a sacrament to care for cats
You are contributing to the Divine
in this simple way.

Purring is a blessing.
One cat who owns me,
Purrs all of the time.
She never stops.
She is in my top three
animals I have ever loved
In my entire life of
53 years.  

The cats that own me
Are Beautiful.
They are Burmese, Siamese
and finally Tonkinese.

They are obviously very important
And one if the best things
In my life. That is why I'm writing
About them.

They are not only important
But also paramount.

I often think, that if my husband
Would allow it, that Id like 10 cats.
Id like to be a crazy old cat lady
Dressed in a faded purple dress,
With sacred beings prancing their way
Across my living room!

They sooth me, in a way that
Humans cannot & in a way dogs cannot.

I never cease to be amazed
By the qualities these cats imbue

I feel fortunate that these
Three cats have adopted me

I feel a sense of love from them,
from some very wise beings.

I love them, too.

They are now all senior cats
I won't have them forever.
I am facing the fact that humans
simply live longer than critters.
The number of animals I've lost
In my life is truly staggering.
Each death as painful as the one before.

On the other hand, one of my
cats lived to 22 an I hope the
current kitties will be so lucky.
I can only do my best to care for them.

You have to love fearlessly
As if you've never lost.
I will suffer when they die
But I do not hold back my love
for them.
You have to be courageous to
Love sometimes.

You have to face impermanence
By losing your loved ones
And in this way
The three cats that own me
Teach me valuable
Lessons of life.

A huge lesson is not to cling
Another is to accept death.

What else can I do but appreciate their love
And love them in return.

I never take them for granted.
I am always appreciative
Toward these blessings in my life.

They are both Holy and Divine.
And also, most revered spiritual teachers

~Arianna Darshani

Im not a good poet but I want to get this off my chest.
Maybe this is too much of a blog. If so, I am sorry.
Nobody has to read it!
I don't mean to misuse this service or to make anyone mad.
I am just not good at poetry
But I believe my words have a rhythm to them.

This is a long and boring post.
Making this post is part of my healing
Even if nobody reads it.

I met a psychopath, I don't use that term lightly
He had been in prison for ****** against his 7 year old daughter
A monster and what most people often call a baby ******.

What was wrong with me, that I did not bolt away like a wild horse?
What made me stay? Is it my Tao to be in their spell forever?
I mean the pedophiles that abused me now forty years ago?

How could I have blocked out his crime?
Where was my outrage for the victim?

He is in Seattle, I am in Minneapolis
But we played cards for 7 months
When he showed me his hand,
I suddenly realized who and what he was.
And I was struck with a sense of horror.

Psychopaths are always charming, at first.
They fool a lot of people. He fooled me.
And I can't get over it.

I broke free, galloped away, but had irreversible damage.
I could not eat or sleep. I was on edge.
I felt polluted, I felt ashamed, I felt gullible
It is why I have the diagnosis of PTSD
because my entire childhood was filled
To the rafters with abuse and this psychopath
Touched upon that in a major way.
They call it a "Trigger" in psychology.

I thought I had burned that house down
But my naïveté and poor boundaries led me
From the paradise of my home
To this psychopath's perverse thinking.
What a sick *******.
I can't even describe
how perverse it got towards the end
So I won't even bother.
Why dwell on a psychopaths sick mind?

I was very sick and in a crisis for ten days
When I broke it off with him.

My last email to him was that,
God is real and that he is going to Hell.
He excuses his behavior with
Bible verses.
That's not going to help him
On judgement day.
He also will suffer karma until
He learns his lesson.
Prison was not enough to teach him

Im starting to sit back and take in the lesson
I've decided that for my own safety
I need to get a lot more paranoid because
Baby rapists and evil people do exist
And I have no radar and no set of boundaries.
Because I was abused so much as a child.

I downloaded an App that lists all
The ****** predators near your home
There are a lot of them and some look like
Your average guy, like the pedophiles who abused me.
Nobody next store but in Osceola, 5 minutes away.

And what about Jared Fogel? Is everyone a pervert?
Why do adult ( mostly men ) need to sexualize children?

I am restricting my easy going temperament
He took what was left of my innocence.
My heart is healing and I have vowed
Not to let him or his sickness
To ruin my good temperament.
Nor my Peace of Mind.

Lastly, I realize that it was by the Grace of God
That I found a loving husband
A man who truly cares, truly loves
In a way I never felt as a child.

As an abuse survivor, the statistics
For me to find a suitable relationship
were slim.
But my mother always told me
To respect myself.

But here we are, 31 years together
Or what my science mind calls
60% of our lives. We are 53.

I don't know how I found "the one"
A broken heart is so visceral and
With so much angst that I feel fortunate
That I've been spared that experience.

We met in Martial Arts class
I had met him at age 19 and he asked me out
I took him up on that offer when we were 22
I worked for my black belt in Tae Kwon Do
He was working on his 2nd degree blackbelt
We trained together for many hours
We hung out.
Ha ha, our first date was to see
The Karate Kid! Also plenty of Bruce Lee!
My husband began martial arts because
Of Bruce Lee.
I started martial arts for self defense
Having been abused by so many men
Made me want to never happen again.

Nice trip down memory lane
Back to the psychopath.
I don't have children and
I am not around any children.

I went to the State Fair, and saw some girls
Only 7 years old, like the psychopath's daughter
When he started his predation on her.  
I felt physically ill that a child of that age
Would have to deal with a grown man
And her father, on too of that.
It is beyond imagination.
I was abused at age 11 and 7 seems
Awfully young. Poor girl.

I felt a sense of nausea when looking at these little girls
That I had befriended a ****** perpetrator
Entirely negating his victims experience.
What was I thinking?

I feel almost like I am guilty because I associated with him.
I feel horrible that I had any relationship
With such a dark and bleak soul.

God bless his daughter out there somewhere
She is now in her 20s
His children are in their 20s and I think
When he has grandchildren he might re offend
I need to stop this and have decided
To contact CPS, and write a letter of concern
Every six months until he has grandchildren

It's the very least I can do.
I've taken a personal interest and
I vow to protect his future grandchildren
From ******, a crime he is not sorry about
He has no remorse, he does not repent
And in that way he can reoffend

Let me go back to my life now
It is almost Fall
And the trees will be brilliant
Thank God, that I realize
I need to out much tighter boundaries
Around myself because being gullible
Is going to get me killed

Thankfully I am not being stalked
Thankfully my life is not in danger
Thankfully we live half a continent away

Let me hold my husband's hand
Let me remember what's important
Let me remember that Im safe
Let me recover from the emotions
Of horror and dread, that have kept me
From eating and sleeping.

Im a bit of a yogini
And I do yoga Nidra
I do meditation
I take refuge in Buddha
I have a faith in Christ
These things all help.

Let the heavens forgive me
For ever getting involved
With a psychopath and for not
Giving his daughter's abuse
A second thought.

This has altered my personality
I am now an activist for victims
Of childhood violence.

I will hear their voices in a way
That is healthy and safe.

Safe. A good place to be!

If you've made it to the end of
This post, I give you my sincere
Thanks and if you did not read my post
I also give you thanks.

~Arianna