i once told myself a lie
i said i would never write about this
we were all friends until i moved on
retail was not what i wanted for the rest of my life
i suppose we saw things differently

when you're in a hellhole for half a decade
wasting your holidays and weekends for what barely amounts to beer money
you take what you can get
whether it be in terms of hours, or friendships

one of the strongest sources of human bonding is mutual hatred
and now i know i wasnt the only one who resented those lucky enough
to have left before they got ****** in and became too comfortable
(all of a sudden, the alien's fascination with the claw in toy story makes much more sense)

this sense of camaraderie in retrospect was a lie
knowing the same people for 3, 4, or 5 years
and then all of a sudden losing complete contact with them

all of a sudden
being in retail hell
didnt seem like the biggest waste of time
compared to the lost friendships

i once told myself a lie
i said i would never write about this
looking back
that lie doesn't seem so bad

silence is golden
and yet we despise it
"awkward silence"
there's an epidemic sweeping this country
where we can't leave people alone
and always want to
talk
talk
talk
some more
just innocently
dividing your attention
to fulfill our neediness
to temporarily close a void within us
but we won't be satisfied with just one distraction
oh no
it will continue for as long as we live
forever being indifferent
towards your preference of solitude

Man I can't believe I'm reminiscing about high school. I remember always hating that **** until people started kinda getting friendly with me towards the end. I think LI is just beautiful to look at and visit, but I remember living there being pure hell. Looking back I miss it but when I put myself in my old shoes I remember how awful it was. If the events didn't unfold in the way they did, I would never be where I am today, thinner and happier and more confident. I'd be stuck in that same suburban attitude everyone else gets caught up with in staying in one state of mind forever. "Grass is always greener" type of thing. I still feel as if I hold some sort of resentment for the popular kids and all the attention they received because I feel like I'm getting too old to be able to experience things anymore while simultaneously having them retain the novelty of being new. I'm just glad I don't live near there anymore so that I'm not forced to run into them every now and again. Still, it does get to me every now and again. It looks so peaceful in pictures and in the summer it's beautiful. Perhaps it's time to accept the fact that I'll never truly get closure.

the regret, that depreciating voice in your head
that chastises you, calls you stupid, a coward
and you look back and agree with it
ignoring that hindsight is always 20/20

and i know the one you're with now provides you with all that you ever needed
possibly more than i could ever have
but that doesnt make it feel any better
as incredibly selfish as it is to feel one should "belong" to another
and as much as such a bond could destroy a beautiful friendship such as ours
despite fantasizing "stealing" you away
as if you were an object
as much as the guilt of that very thought
weighs down my spirit everytime you cross my mind
the temptation to bear my soul to you gets greater each time
it hurts
deeply
and i cant help but wonder, what if

and now i hate myself for it

it always pays off to be that guy
whom leaves a trail of ashes behind him
the charred remains of the hearts broken
and the egos crushed
by his sharp tongue and unwavering hands

it always pays off
to be the one in the room
with a bit of a sociopath streak
"Steve Jobs was my hero"
always a convenient excuse

it always pays off
to act without conscience
as you will live on in the memory
of those you have caused despair
while their lives will be short moments
of which you have no recollection

it always pays off
to act without consideration
"he's just so confident", they'll say
attributing your recklessness
to the type of confidence they can only dream of having

it always pays off

it's always so awkward contacting someone you haven't talked to in a while
as if you need to text them within 7 days or else you officially become strangers as per the law of the land
kind of adds alot of pressure, doesn't it?
as if you and a third party couldn't possibly be busy at the same time

not allowed to talk
not allowed to listen
not allowed to visit
what can you do?

aside from ignore

just because it's so STRANGE
to contact someone after so long
without expecting anything

oh well.

muscle memory is a funny thing
how you can have something committed so deeply into your consciousness
that your body just does it without thought
and these are the things we do best
even though we study countless hours
and practice to hone our technique
for seemingly endless amounts of time
but we are at our strongest when we do not think
amazing isn't it?