you do it for fun
not because you enjoy it
but because you've spent so much time building up this image of yourself
that now you're forced to live up to it
and straying from that image would draw far too much attention to yourself
so that is not an option
it's never an option

I want to annihilate you
and yet committing to such an action
would require great sacrifice on my part
and you have not earned the right to be a full time grudge
I am sick of allowing you to wander my thoughts and poison them with your presence
and despite wanting deep down nothing more than sweet ego crushing vengeance
I won't allow you the pleasure

I shall deny you the honor
of dying by my hand
live on.

the problem with overusing sarcasm is that
nobody takes you seriously, even when you need to be
like for example
when i ask you if you have a boyfriend
it isn't just out of curiosity
(but then again, just because there's a goalie...)
or when i ask what you're doing tuesday night
it isn't to mock you for replying "nothing"
(that's MY usual plan anyway)

the unusual enthusiasm i have for washing down red wine
with chicken tenders is just code for "i want to welcome you to my world"
with its quirks, pros and cons
and maybe i just feel a certain level of comfort with you
that is usually reserved for when i am immersed in my solitude
aka the creature's natural habitat

maybe i should stop waiting for the perfect moment

as I woke up next to you
it was as if I never experienced intimacy before
being this comfortable around someone else
while completely vulnerable
is this normal?
this is an alien concept to me
and yet despite being so self absorbed in those moments trying to fathom this sensation
I still find myself troubled by your eyes that wander
searching the ceiling and walls for answers
they never reply but you search harder still
any type of concern is met with a dismissive "nothing" or "I'm fine"
when we both know that is a lie
again in my streak of self obsession I beg to share your sorrow
to remind you that past mistakes are nothing more than that

and that despite the 80 miles and 16 dollar train ticket that separates us
I'll be right here waiting for you
on this bed of dandelions

hell is a state of mind
when you lose all the knowledge you once had
when the confidence you fought so hard to obtain
vanishes
when you fruitlessly google your countless camalities
scrambling through advice columns and blogs
to answer a question which may not even be the right one

hell is a state of mind
where you can only come up with brilliant ideas
when you lack the capacity to act up on them
when your energy is drained

hell is a state of mind
where you can only connect the dots before you hit the pillow
where it turns an attempted 8 hour sleep
into a 3 hour death roll

hell is a state of mind
that you're lost in

eventually
you'll meet someone on this earth who you want to make happy
at all costs
and it will destroy you
one way or another
and yet you'll find a way to justify it
ignoring the risk
or the pain
or the total lack of reason
using your emotional center
as a substitute for your logical one
total attraction takes over
stronger than lust
an attraction to their words
in love with their thoughts
and you'll find yourself paralyzed
the words traveling nowhere
frozen, crashing to the ground
just wait a second
honey
i'll be right there

as dawn turns to noon into dusk
and the day truly begins
in the winter, anyway
where most of your time is spent in poor lighting
and frost

but the moon hangs high in the sky
if only briefly, as a contrast
and i've always wondered
as the clouds pass in front of the moon

if they begin to miss each other
even just for a moment
despite the fact that they know that they'll encounter each other tomorrow
if the routine is so comfortable
that they get nervous just thinking about it changing at all

that one day
they may never experience that comfort again
the one consistency in this crazy world
yearning for the clamminess of each other's hands
if only for a brief moment
just to relive those cool nights once again
pushing for more and more
but when you feel like the potential is gone
mirrors cracked, hearts sinking, warmth gone
even an unpleasant sensation
becomes good enough
to die for