i smile,
to hide the hurt when i am out in public

i laugh,
to chase away the tears so people don’t know

but,
look into my eyes;
you will see the pain hidden there

if i don’t fit
in this generation’s standards of beauty;
if i have to follow others’ standards of beauty
to truly become beautiful,

then, i will have to become a different standard

no, wait
this can’t happen yet

i need you to know,
i’m not some insecure, jealous girlfriend

i just,
when i get something that i’ve wanted for a really long time, sometimes i do this thing

yeah, i’m overthinking

but sometimes,
i say things that i don’t really need to say
but, i’m just scared that i’m the only one thinking of them

it’s just that sometimes
when people do nice things for me

i short circuit

maybe, i’m not used to it
or maybe i’m scared of getting hurt
or being rejected for being myself

those stars,
look like they’re close to each other
but they’re actually very far away, aren’t they?

it’s like you and me;

the things you see aren’t always real
how hard must i try in order
to understand the unseen truth?

you don’t know

that’s just it
you’ve never known,
because i’ve never been able to tell you
that i’m angry with you, dad

this entire thing about you,
and your wives, and your kids
yeah, you should have warned me,
but it’s more than that

it’s, it’s the fact that you’ve found yourself that new family,
and i feel like some outsider, that doesn’t even belong to you anymore
it’s like you traded me and mom,
for something that you thought was better,
and i wanna know why

are you ashamed of me?
are you embarrassed?

just tell me, dad.
what did i do wrong?
why did you leave?
why did you have to go?

and then tell me that we were gonna be closer but that never happened,
and why does you only visit me once a month?
and i know you,
you just seem so happy about being their dad,

but you never even had the time to be mine

i wish that were enough, dad

don’t love me

of course i want to be loved,
but i don’t think i deserve it because i might get clumsy to break your precious heart into pieces

really, you should not love me unless you’re ready to break your heart; your soul — you

i can even sort some reasons why you shouldn’t love me;

1. i’m the breaker,
i can break a super expensive and precious glass with just a touch; i don’t want to break you

2. me, my soul, my world, they are full of black & blue; you may not ready to get into the dark world of mine

3. i’m a chaotic mess inside,
i’m just that emotional girl who cries a lot;
i don’t think you can handle me because i can’t even handle my own self

4. i can never understand so i never learn, and you will probably get tired of me because of it

5. i still don’t like what i see in the mirror
i still don’t like the sound that echoes in my bath room every time i talk;
i still don’t like every thing about this sad girl who wakes up everyday in my bed

don’t love me
because i don’t even know how to love myself, so what makes you think that i’m going to love you?