and,
if i don’t meet you no more
in this world

then i’ll,
i’ll meet you in the next one
and don’t be late

don’t be late

when,
my time is up

have i done enough?
will they tell my story?
how will the afterlife be?

i wonder

you stay strong for others,
so they will get better

but you forget

about staying strong for yourself,
so you will get better too

rules #1
don’t fall
if you don’t want to get hurt

rules #2
don’t get attached
to somebody you could lose

warning:
do not fall in love with the broken girl if you can’t handle the pain from trying to pick up her pieces

hey mom,
hey dad,
 
when did this end? 
where did you lose
your happiness?

i’m here,
alone

inside of this broken home

having someone saying
you’re okay as you are,

and being needed by that person;

it was nice,
to have someone like that

i hate getting sad

to the point where
my body shuts down,

and all i can do is just lay there,
and think about all my problems

it *****,
doesn’t it?

feeling like you’re not good enough
no matter how hard you try

it’s better,
to have nobody

than to have someone
who is half there;

or doesn’t want
to be there

can you see the real me,
can you?

broken till the last piece of my heart,
and still wearing the smile on my face;

that’s the real me

sometimes,
you have to accept

that things won’t ever change
no matter how much time and effort
you put into it

you know,
when you thought
everything was going
straight in the line

but it wasn’t

when you thought
you would have
the happiest ending

but you wouldn’t

it *****, right?

i’m not strong;

i’ve just learned
to accept the things life gives

and stop wishing
for the things i cannot have

that’s not strength
that’s wisdom

i smile,
to hide the hurt when i am out in public

i laugh,
to chase away the tears so people don’t know

but,
look into my eyes;
you will see the pain hidden there

if i don’t fit
in this generation’s standards of beauty;
if i have to follow others’ standards of beauty
to truly become beautiful,

then, i will have to become a different standard

no, wait
this can’t happen yet

i need you to know,
i’m not some insecure, jealous girlfriend

i just,
when i get something that i’ve wanted for a really long time, sometimes i do this thing

yeah, i’m overthinking

but sometimes,
i say things that i don’t really need to say
but, i’m just scared that i’m the only one thinking of them

it’s just that sometimes
when people do nice things for me

i short circuit

maybe, i’m not used to it
or maybe i’m scared of getting hurt
or being rejected for being myself

those stars,
look like they’re close to each other
but they’re actually very far away, aren’t they?

it’s like you and me;

the things you see aren’t always real
how hard must i try in order
to understand the unseen truth?

you don’t know

that’s just it
you’ve never known,
because i’ve never been able to tell you
that i’m angry with you, dad

this entire thing about you,
and your wives, and your kids
yeah, you should have warned me,
but it’s more than that

it’s, it’s the fact that you’ve found yourself that new family,
and i feel like some outsider, that doesn’t even belong to you anymore
it’s like you traded me and mom,
for something that you thought was better,
and i wanna know why

are you ashamed of me?
are you embarrassed?

just tell me, dad.
what did i do wrong?
why did you leave?
why did you have to go?

and then tell me that we were gonna be closer but that never happened,
and why does you only visit me once a month?
and i know you,
you just seem so happy about being their dad,

but you never even had the time to be mine

i wish that were enough, dad

don’t love me

of course i want to be loved,
but i don’t think i deserve it because i might get clumsy to break your precious heart into pieces

really, you should not love me unless you’re ready to break your heart; your soul — you

i can even sort some reasons why you shouldn’t love me;

1. i’m the breaker,
i can break a super expensive and precious glass with just a touch; i don’t want to break you

2. me, my soul, my world, they are full of black & blue; you may not ready to get into the dark world of mine

3. i’m a chaotic mess inside,
i’m just that emotional girl who cries a lot;
i don’t think you can handle me because i can’t even handle my own self

4. i can never understand so i never learn, and you will probably get tired of me because of it

5. i still don’t like what i see in the mirror
i still don’t like the sound that echoes in my bath room every time i talk;
i still don’t like every thing about this sad girl who wakes up everyday in my bed

don’t love me
because i don’t even know how to love myself, so what makes you think that i’m going to love you?

**** you,
ㅤ
you came into my life
just like nightmares did;
all of a sudden, and unpredictable
but you, you didn’t freak me out as nightmares did
you brought hopes; like a clear sky in the morning
after a gloomy night, and like a rainbow after the rain

we met
we talked
we hung out
blah blah blah
until finally, i fell for you

i was so amazed with you yourself
your childish-self
your gentleman-self
your crazy-self
your lover-self

the whole of you

i was blinded by you
not only by the sound of your cute but **** laugh
or by the strong hands of yours when you held me
but also by the jokes you threw to me
by the way you talked so thoughtful about some things
by the sweetness of how you treated me
by everything you do and words you say
you know that it all takes my breath away

and now, i’m left with nothing

so yeah, that’s it
after you left, and finished this ‘thing’ between us
i cried
a lot

because my heart has been shattered to pieces
by the guy who i gave all of my heart to
and now, it feels like there’s just flesh and bones on me
well, i don’t know how to tell you
that you really ****** up my life
now, i’m the ruined
i’m the broken
i’m a mess.

that’s why i didn’t start this letter with ‘dear you’
in case you’re wondering
so, **** you

i’ve never heard about you anymore
and maybe that’s a good thing though
i hope you’re happy with your life
and i kinda hope that me, myself
will be happy too
soon

thank you for being you
and thank you for ‘us’
i learnt a lot

dust, lust, trust
wether wrong or right
i’ll never win in life

dark, deep, and dangerous
losing hope
losing faith

falling down, get up
falling hard, stand up
fall again, falling deep
burried

mild, smooth
go wild
****
that’s what you breed

saying love
telling lies
believe
then he leaves

nothing but hurts

a bed so big
a room so empty
a void that you left
is slowly killing of me

hugging a pillow during my sleep
and pretending it was you
was the loneliest thing that i’ve ever done;

constantly wishing
how nice it is if it were your hands
that i was holding

but no,

my fist clenched the bedsheets
in the most distressing way possible;
to think that i got used
to waking up facing the cold wall
pretending it was you
made me contemplate nonstop

what if someday,
i got accustomed to the coldness
and the silence so well,
that i couldn’t take the heat
and the hitch between each of your breath?

i wanted you to be with me
no matter what
i kept missing you
over and over again
i wanted to see you

i was dying
desperate to tell you
how much i care

right, i couldn’t do it

i really wanted to say hello
when we bumped to each other earlier
but only god knows
how much i shivered
and tried not to fall on the ground
crying

now that i know everything
i really want to smash my head
and get an amnesia

you know why?
i’m always crying alone in the dark
when everyone already sleep
and can’t see me
because there is the only way i can do
to let go all of my pain
my thought
and my problem

i will cry when i feel mad
so, it won’t hurting people around me
it’s better
if there is only me who feel hurted
than other people

that’s why
i like crying alone
and blame myself
either other people i love

02:00 AM
for the poets who can’t sleep
because their minds are alive
with words for someone who’s not there

02:00 AM
for the alcoholics
drinking themselves into amnesia
to forget someone who left
ㅤ
02:00 AM
not for the lovers
asleep in each other arms
it’s for the lonely
the ones who are in love with the loved
but are not loved in return

have you been thinking about yourself?
about your problems in life?
trying to solve your own problems?
are you remember the past?

sometimes
i like to overthink
but not too over

you know?
somehow
it’s not good

OK, go to sleep now

you know what
i can overthink everything
and find a million ways
to doubt myself

and since you left
i’ve been really thinking
about that part of myself
and i’ve just come to realize

we’re only here briefly
and while i’m here
i wanna allow myself joy

so, **** it

it happened
just how i always imagined it would
so, why do i feel this way?
how can something
that’s supposed to make you feel so complete
end up leaving you so empty?
i just wish so much
i could talk to someone

i need someone
and that scares me

in the next world

if you were to be reborn
as a beautiful sirius
i would like to be reborn
as a canopus

although,
far apart thousands of distance with you
i would like to be reborn as a canopus star

so your beauty can shine with me
in southern hemisphere sky

a tear or two may drop
but you come to smile again

if you look back
it breaks your heart

and then
you start to build hope again through love

you haven’t tasted pain
‘till you’re looking at yourself
in the mirror

crying

telling yourself to be strong
because no one believes in you

dive in her mind
treasure the things
she keeps inside her heart

and call her beautiful
even though you know
how irreparably broken she is

when you feel so numb that,
you want to slice yourself open

just to feel something

when a sharp cold blade
cut through my skin
softly slice open my veins

maybe,
that's the only time i’ll finally be happy

you love the rain
so i cried enough tears
to start a thunderstrom
just to make you happy

but then
you decided that sunshine is better than rain
and you chose her and left me to rust and decay

the sound of waves
breaking gently on the shore

is my kind of drug

just like letters on the sand
where waves were

i feel you’ll disappear to a far off place

it’s creepy, you know?

when someone
that’s usually talk nineteen to dozen

suddenly turned as silent as a grave
and left you with questions

i’ll never regret you

or say,
that i wish i’d never met you

because once upon a time
you were exactly what i needed

i knew,

i would wish for that moment back
every day of my life

so i lived it with everything i had

i’m me;
an erratic damaged
...and insecure mess.