I glance at the bottle,
my hand, her heart,
back to the hand,
where rests the same--
white pills that keep me going.

I stare at the white,
the colour of innocence,
purity, and now grief,
and instant pleasure.

To lose you would be,
the last thing that happens to me,
I can't take another loss,
I can't cope with all this debris.

You can't fix me, you can try,
to help and give reassurance,
so many others have,
but things always go awry.

I will stop, I swear I will,
this is the one habit,
I have to ****.

I'm sorry I am this way,
maybe you should just forget about me,
leave, and don't stay
so you can save yourself from,
the cloud of pain that surrounds
my broken heart.

I watch fly
every house,
on every street
by and by.
will be ours
paved tile,
lazy swings,
wild flowers.
a little roof
up and up
down to every
little glass cup.
mixed mugs,
a bedroom for two
walls painted
green, purple, blue.
this is true
any place
your face
my home is you.

Falling apart into pieces
is what I do best,
but I keep enough of myself--
to hold others together.
My love never dies,
I never leave,
and I seem to care--
way too much.
I stay alive for others,
never myself,
because I am useless--
while plenty still have a chance.
to become beautiful
If I am the guide,
so be it--
I will direct and influence,
until they become--
the truest forms of themselves.
Because I want to be able to say
"I was a part of their life"
and if I die knowing that,
I know that my lives work--
will have been completed.

I dont have anything

anymore

everyone left me

to rot

they all just forgot

that I existed

how could this happen

again

I thought things were..

I thought things were..

improving

and now all I have are tears,
plenty of fears

and a heart full
of broken promises

This morning I watched the sun rise
And I couldn't help but think of you--
While it lingered low in the sky--
You were all that was on my mind.

All I can think about,
are those words you left downtown--
on the paved walkway where we frolicked.

I want to return there,
so those few words can be found--
I want to hear them roll off your tongue.

Slowly my brain will churn and think of a response,
a response that may be easy, or it may not--
and you thought I would have forgotten.

No way,
and someday--
we will go retrieve them.

I want everyone to know that life isn't what it seems
Take pleasure in the little things
Keep the your spark alive day by day
And soon the world will take your breath away

temporarily inept
my heart leaves
my chest

dust on the floor
I cant feel it
no more

empty am i
synonym for lack
my wings are broken
i can no longer fly

shot mid air
i made a decision
to fall
this is unfair

healthy and sane
nothing to gain

playful and fun
but actually shunned

what to do
what to do
when you don't have a clue

                         ~
the light at the end of the tunnel
is far away past the struggle

and I don't know if I have enough left
to take the journey and make it to the end

my tears are falling one by one
I wont stop until the day is done
until the sky extinguishes the sun
I will wait for happiness to come

I guess you could say I'm still confused,
Confused and aching inside,
My heart beats for one, two and three,
but cant beat for four, five, or six
It's hard to stay optimistic,
Or to retain my certain glow,
But I surely can't keep up,
And I'm losing control

It was cold, terrifying, numbing
Exhaust gathered in the moonlight
Sighs echoed for eternity
A fogged mind, and misted sight
Snow crunched under my soles
My fingers and toes all froze
To keep going, it took all my might

I'm wandering to stay away
Trying to forget before I combust
There is no one left that I can trust

They're all gone, and I'm frozen.

Our bodies share the same rhythm
Exploding with warmth and happiness
And the same soft whispering beat
I wish I could live in this moment for a life time
No words spoken and nothing acknowledged
Forever in sync next to you
Just knowing we are content
With each other
At this one moment in our lives
I wish it to be true; that you would agree
To be by me through this time in my life
I need someone like you, to guide me through
You make me feel content and believe in the future
I can confess my inner secrets and beliefs without any worry
You stay by my side; no matter the consequence
I can trust you, unlike other people
Listening is what you do best
And that shines brighter than any action
We are perfectly harmonized
Inside and out we fit together
I hope someday you will realize
I love you just as much as you love me

1 2 3 4

I dont like you anymore

5 6 7 8

eat ****

I know this happens often
To suddenly be tossed away
And forgotten
Stopped before completion,
Left to rot, and then readily,
Crumbles to pieces
Only to be swept to the side
I know what it feels like to be lonely,
Sad, broken hearted and led to my demise
Let me cry and sob and thrash
I know this time I wont last
Leave me be, just please leave me
At this point, nothing will complete me

I can feel you in my bones
the depths of my skin
the tips of my toes

nothing is visible
its all underlying
but still physical

this isn't just my head
its a craving, an ache
that needs to be fed

as the fuel starts to diminish
it eats away at my mind
until it's replenished

I know you think I'm crazy
almost everyone does
but that doesn't even phase me

I'm finally happy
and actually content
with you beside me

when I say "*******"
I mean it
because I've finally stopped

*searching

we danced and kissed in the rain
and suddenly everything was okay

in that moment time was paused

I will be waiting for the day
that we can forget the world
and press play--
in order to dance again
to that lazy, beautiful sway

oh I want to
oh yes that buzz
that insatiable hunger
to be something other
than myself

to be numb--
tingly,
odd,
funny,
dumb,
and lost.

I want to be lost.

I want to be found.

But which is it?

I guess you'll have to find out.

Stop making me
love you
Please I don't know
**what to do

"Life's too short to even care at all"
I sing over and over in this empty space
No I don't care, I don't care at all
Everything is finally in its place
I overlook the evil,
The twisted, the bad, the hurtful--
And see the brightness in all.

All of us have fallen once in our lives
And all of us have had our time to thrive
The flaws we see, are only in our eyes
And to others we are just as beautiful
As the of stars are in the night sky.

I will keep up the fight
with all my might
to make you stay
even if I have to--
put on a one-man-play

I will act my greatest scenes
just to cover up the secret,
--the scandalous secret--
that makes me feel complete

they can put two and two together
but I will avoid their questions
stepping around the cracks--
simply as light as a feather

to sneak, and sneak, and sneak
is what I do best,
and cover up the rest
right now I am at my peak
and I feel so weak

if they take you away
my sanity will not stay
and I will have to
live out the rest of my days
putting on a one-man-play

my mind retraces the same lines
the same memories
the same times
it screams "I miss you, I need you..
where are you?"

I walk this empty night
the thin branches dance
the stars gleam and twinkle
the chill seeps down to my bones
into to my heart,  
then reaches to my toes

my head is flooded
judgement already muddled
lost inside my mind
locked safe where no one can find--

those thoughts that make me cringe,
make me shake with fear
I dont want to worry you my dear


"but where are you?"

I think theres only
one thing left to say
"goodbye dear,
I will never see you
ever again
have no fear
for this is my last day"

Ring imprints are where your heart lies too
So so far away, both feeling very blue
Constant reminders of why I am here
No wonder I can't even shed a single tear

I picked up her body,
covered in white,
she was still warm,
and lost to my sight,
heat diffused into the air,
soon she'd be as cold as stone,
this just isn't, not one bit, fair

“I don’t want to look, I can’t look”
I repeatedly say as her heaviness weighs down my hands--
And my poor broken heart is guilty and lost
I package her up, swiftly and respectfully
Saying my last goodbyes to her cold dead ears
I will miss you, I will love you
And I promise I will never ever forget you

A fruitful summer night reveals the thoughts of the mother
Fire a light, illuminating in the dusk, awaiting the smother
A sweeping, swaying, twirling breath rips through the gloom
Tearing apart the luscious flowerets which in the sun bloom

I really ****** it up this time
there's nothing much
I can really say
except that I'm truly sorry
and I wish for you to stay

I can't do this anymore
The tears come regularly
And another slash is added to
the final score,
the final tally.

We are already at
one too many,
overflowed,
full and plenty.

I can't move on,
I just can't seem to get a grip,
I really can't forget,
you flood my mind--
fill my gaps--
And without you,
I slowly collapse.

Cyclical

why must this be
always with me

you left me

waiting

you came back

wanting

still fresh
yet oh-so fuzzy

these memories clog my pipes

and make me unable to sing

I can't say
what comes to mind
when your eyes--
are locked with mine

I can feel my tongue roll
those few simple vowels
but my vocal cords
can't utter a single syllable

I start my sentences
but never end them
because I shun myself
into submission

I want to but I can't
so I will forever sit here
like there is nothing to be said
and my heart will be melting--

to just spit out those simple sounds

I just want security
And somehow
For my heart to be *free

The fuzzy sound of night,
Emits from my window pane

The creature of the dark,
Who was thought to be slain

Has come to creep again

Here he comes, here he lurks

Between our houses,
Between our nooks

Through our minds,
And through our souls

He changes whats inside you,
And turns you dead and cold

Don’t let his darkness grab a hold
Because once he has you

He will never let go

Those thoughts will **** you,
Don’t ya know

So hold on to someone
And never let go

He creeps, he crawls
Four legs, sprawled

He’s slow, he’s quick
He’ll get you in a jiff

Don’t turn your back
Then we’ll hear the crack

And know that you have given in
To the creature within

I faded away, back in May

Days were short, nights were long

Nothing was where it belonged

You were there, so was I

I guess things just went awry

I am gone, you are too

No wonder I am feeling so blue

goodbye goodbye,

its time to no longer try

I surrendered to the demon
that resides in my broken heart
even though I thought
my struggle was over

This confusion is taking its toll,
the things that make me happy,
are gone and I'm losing control.

I hope you know,
that it's just you,
who has my heart,
and I cant afford to,
lose you too.