the day i finally get to go up to someone and say,
"this is who i am."

i'm depressed
i'm suicidal,
i cut myself
so what?

that semi colon on my wrist,
represents the life i didn't end
and represents the life i'm still living

something saved me,
and now i want to save someone else too

on 4/16, i will stay silent for those who let their inner demons win
because mine didn't, and i'm still here
416 strong

I know it's just a number.
but it's not to me,
to me, it's a score.

What kind of score?
not a sports score.
Not a test score, for class,
or a quiz score, for school,
but, a reality check.

I took a depression test,
for my new therapist.
40 was the minimum,
for Extreme Depression.
I got a score of 52.

It made me upset,
more than I already am.
Cause I didn't think what I am feeling is that bad,
now i'm really sad

i want to be lying in a coffin,
peaceful as can be
i want out of my horrible life
as soon as possible

you wanted to get me help
but i just couldn't do it
you wanted to save me
but i'm already gone

i'm sitting in darkness
and you wanted to pull the blinds
it would hurt my eyes
i will cower and shrivel with pain
and then i'll hide

you can try and save me,
you can try and help
you can try and make me happy
it doesn't matter,
nothing matters

i'm already gone

knees shaking
heart pounding
why here? why now?

memories flash through my head,
I wish the weren't there
get out of my head,
now, in class, is not the time to relive these painful memories

and then I start panting,
i'm turning white
am I running out of breath?

I have to leave,
before I turn into an anxiety driven monster
but i'm chained to my desk
I can't get up

WHAT SHOULD I DO? WHAT SHOULD I DO? WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I bang my head on my desk,
I hope to pass out,
but then I realize,
i'm having anxiety

HELP ME!!!!

some people ask me why i call myself "apathy,"
they know its mysterious. its an emotion. sometimes, people ask me why I'm referring myself to an emotion
i never answer their questions
and now i am
once upon a time, in a land, not so far away,
lived a girl living in shame
she was losing her best friend,
she was losing her freaking mind,
she was even loosing herself
and in that, she lived a world of neglect, or crying, of depression, of pain
she was sick of it,
she was tired of it all
she didn't want to break and fall
and upon her journey into darkness,
she met someone.
the person helped her,
the person tried to show her the light,
the person tried to give her "potion"
this person tried to fix the girls sadness
it did not work
she tried every potion in the book,
and even went to someone for guidance, for help
nothing fixed it
and upon that, someone else appeared
she tried to fix the girl too
she brought her closer to the light,
the girl was nearly there,
but the darkness called her back
it only made things worse
people wanted her to see the light,
they wanted her to stay away from the dark
she couldn't fight
her demons caught up with her,
they killed her inside
she couldn't comprehend
she couldn't speak,
she couldn't cry,
she couldn't function,
she didn't feel anything but pain
but the pain did end,
and then she felt nothing,
and always will feel nothing
and that's when the name came
she started to call herself "apathy"
her real name was too happy
and to that we say, happy never after

maybe, i don't fit in
maybe i don't belong
this place hasn't been right for me
since everything went wrong

i walk, the lonely streets
i search for something deep inside of me
but i find nothing,
nothing but blue

i feel blue
always, forever blue
the days are lonely,
the nights are cold
but i will always be blue

as i walk along the busy streets
and the lights of this city
i begin to think, its not worth it
i dont matter, not one bit

i walk, the lonely streets
i search for something deep inside of me
but i find nothing,
nothing but blue

i feel blue
always, forever blue
the days are lonely,
the nights are cold
but i will always be blue

when did it begin?
when does it end?
when will i be happy again?
always blue
forever sad
i am nothing

i feel blue
always, forever blue
the days are lonely,
the nights are cold
but i will always be blue

i feel blue
always, forever blue
the days are lonely,
the nights are cold
but i will always be blue

im just blue
never happy
never smiling
just blue,
so blue
only blue
i am very blue

you think i'm yellow
happy,
vibrant,
but i'm really blue

on the outside, i'm happy,
but my inside, is not
you think i'm pink,
but i'm really blue

i'm always smiling,
but my smiles are fake,
i greet you kindly
i'm really in so much pain

i'm not yellow,
i'm not green,
i'm not pink,
i'm not anything,
but blue

bring a sledgehammer
i know you're going to break my heart

you broke me,
you broke me so easily
i'm broken
and its because of your ignorance

you ****,
i hate you
your the worst

why don't break my heart too?
you already broke my trust
so finish me off

bring a sledgehammer,
bring an axe
bring anything,
just break my heart
but you've already done enough to **** me

**** me,
break my heart,
you know you want to

I used to be a little "kid"
so happy,
so fun,
so free,
what the hell happened to me?

the happy little "kid" in me is now lost
things happened
I'm not a "little kid" anymore

when you watch your family rip at the seams,
when everything in your life falls apart
when you get abused over and over again
your now an adult
your life turned to **** pretty quick

why can't I be a " little kid," again?
my life is now ruled by fear
why can't I just have a day with no worries?
"adults" get no breaks

I may be young,
but my childhood innocence is gone
its gone and it's NEVER coming back

its going to be 6 years,
or maybe 7
since you've been gone

I miss you,
I miss you so bad
you are the best friend
right now that I wish I had

this holiday is tough
I wish you were here
and I wish,
I wish you were near

on Christmas morning,
i'll think about you
and on that day,
I won't be blue

I love you

i can't do this anymore
i can't hold on
i'm hurting to much,
but i'm trying to stay strong

i'm so sick of hiding
what i feel
but its taking forever
for my wounds to heal

today i feel like **
tomorrow, i will feel worse
my heart can no longer take it
it may burst

why am i hurting so bad?
i'm so sad
i live a life full of regrets
what made my life so bad?

as i sit in my corner,
the darkness never goes away
so in the darkness,
i will stay

I wonder what its like to die
to get away from this horrible life
to stop suffering,
to be happy for once

i'll see you there,
and I hold you tight
and you'll tell me its alright

you'll look into my eyes and ask me,
" why are you here? your too young,"
and i'll say, " I was just done"

im done with my life here
my life is pointless

I want a taste of what she has

I walk around aimlessly
I realize more and more,
I have no purpose for life

I don't want to go home
I don't want to cover up the frown I have to hide
its better if I crawled up and died
because im already dying inside

if I just wander around like this forever
it will help everyone around me
they won't have to deal with me
and the demons I possess

they win this time
im done
with life,
with fighting back

im gone,
and im never coming back

my demons have won
and now im dead,
and forever gone

its the word that kills us all its more then a prolonged sadness; its a monster. it takes over the best of us and turns us into horrible creatures. it ruins lives, it turns families on each other, it ruins friendships, it makes you fail out of school, it gets you fired, it ruins your dreams, your goals; everything. it hurts you over and over again until you stop trying. and even then, after you give up on trying and you give up on yourself, it still likes to torture you. depression is like the friend that comes back in your life over and over again. when people tell you it gets better, depression slaps you in the face and tells you that it never gets better. depression takes the happy person in you and never gives it back. it likes to beat you up. guess what? you never heal. no white capsule in the world can **** the monster embedded inside you. yes, it won't make you miserable, but the monster never leaves. it waits and waits for the right time to come back and pounce. you can fight against it for the rest of your life, but you will never win. you can try as hard as you can, but you will never truly win. no one ever wins. that why i'm giving up

jumping,
falling
splatting
crashing
to the ground I go

finally ending it all,
is this really the thing to do?

leaving no one behind,
that's my goal,
I just don't want them to suffer,
and get a heart full of holes

here I am,
inches from my death,
I think about my life,
and all the secrets that I kept

as the days pass,
I don't leave this spot
every single day I have the chance to make my decision
will I stay, or will I go?

maybe, someday, I'll go

here I am
left alone,
broken,
and torn

no one seems to care
no one asks why,
I am forcing myself not to cry

they just let me live through life
with all of the pain in my eyes
they don't care,
about all the burdens I bear

so I sit alone,
because I have no one
and with life,
i'm just done

there's nothing left to give up on,
my demons have already won

you can call me anything,
"ugly"
"fat"
"******"
"stupid"
"dramatic"
"annoying"
yo­u can call me anything,
those words don't tear me down
just don't call me retarted
it kills me

you say you regret it,
but i know you don't
you keep on apologizing,
i know you're not sorry

you know what you did,
you hurt me bad
and despite that,
you want me to come back?

you broke my heart
over and over again
so why the hell,
would i let you back in

you befriended my sister
she didn't know
you impressed my brother
ew, gross
my mother loves you
my father hates you,
so don't i

but baby, don't you ever come back,
ever!!

we were driving
but we were driving way to fast

didn't know she was drunk,
didn't know she was under the influence
didn't know anything

and here i was,
in the car,
with my drunk mother

i knew we were going fast,
i really didnt care
i just wanted my mom to get out of my hair

as we turned a corner,
my mother turned on the gas
we were going way too fast

she was giggling and laughing,
just as a drunk person would be

my mother was drunk and driving,
and i was in the car

i secretely hoped she would hit another car,
as she accelerated,
i hoped that the car would get totaled,
and i would die

dont drink and drive

who am I?
what happened to me?
what happened to the little girl that used to be so happy?

its gone
its all gone
my happiness
hope
everything is gone
i'll never see the old me again

" i'm just tired,"
" its been a long day,"
"i'm sick,"
" i'm stressed,"
they are all excuses I use every single day

one day,
people will look past my excuses,
then, what will I say?

i'm not tired, i'm depressed
it hasn't been a long day, its been an endless one
i'm not sick, i'm just dying inside

when will the excuses end?
when can I stop lying?
I've already stopped fighting

you can make excuses for almost everything
but not when your dead

effortless,
i'm in free fall
i can feel the gravity,
i can feel the wind, the warm air

i fall to my death
i'm going down
i'm falling deeper into darkness
how did it get like this?

i keep on falling,
i can't save myself
there's nothing around me,
just a pit of darkness

i can't get back up,
so i fall
i fall  for what seems like forever
and then i'm gone

I started the first day of my sophomore year with excitement
I wanted this year to be a better year
I finish the year depressed annoyed and *******
This year wasn't a better year
I used to speed down the hallway to get to class
Now I dread going
I know the year is almost over
But I want to give up
This year was tough
I can't concentrate
I barely sleep
Why?
One word
Finals!

i look in the mirror,
i want to see a skinny girl,
a beautiful girl,
but i don't

all i see is me,
ugly,
fat,
stupid,
worthless,
unhappy

i'm not like them,
they are pretty,
they are skinny,
they are smart,
they are worth something,
they are happy

sometimes,
i want to break that ******* mirror,
I've already had enough bad luck
whats the difference if i have more

sometimes,
i want to break down and cry,
i don't want to show my skin,
i don't want to show my fat
i don't want to fake smiling anymore

we all have our flaws,
i have so many,
i am a flaw

I think about you every single day
I miss you way more than I miss being happy
Sure, we fought allot
but is that worth all my pain and suffering?

All the tears
All the anger
All the pain
Was that worth it leaving you?
I don’t know

I lost myself last year
I got caught up in my own pain
I never even realized,
What it would do to you

I sit there in class
And I look at you
Thinking, is there anything I can do?
But yet again, will we fight?

The one thing that's holding me back
Do I have the will to go back to you?
Most importantly, do you want to
This is your choice

I know I was stupid
I know I was wrong
All those letters, I lost myself in them
I wish I could fix that

Can we fix what’s broken?
Will you trust me again?
Can I believe you won’t hurt me?
I don’t know

It’s too hard to forget the unforgettable
The past is never the past to me
People told me to move on, forget about it
I told them no

You mean way too much to me
I can’t live another second without you
Give me a chance to show you, I’ve changed
Give me a second chance
I’ll do anything
I would die to have that chance again
You are my everything

If you say no, I’ll cry every night
If you say yes, things will change
I had to leave to back then, it wasn’t my choice
And I know, deep inside, you would come back
That’s just who you are

Some people tell me to stop
I will never stop
I’m nothing without you

Please forgive me, for everything
I was wrong
Nothing was right
I can’t stand avoiding my friends because of you
Forgive me, please

honestly, why did you have to do this to me?
why did you leave me here?
why did you hurt me when i was already hurting?
you knew i was already in pain
when we fought it made it worse

after all the memories that we had
i watched our friendship fall apart
every single thing, gone
when we argued it just made me cry
is this really worth it if were just gonna continue to fight?

that's when i decided to end it
that's where the letter came in
it was to say goodbye and only goodbye
you looked at me with those brown eyes
then i knew, it was the right thing to do

every single day without you is bad
i told you that
i really wanted you back
i wanted back all the memories that we had
not the fights or the pain
not  my eternal suffering
i hold the key to our friendship in my hand
its my cell phone
one text to you brought me back to life

but you never replied
do you even want this back?
after everything i've tried to keep myself together
you just ******* off
maybe you don't want this at all
i thought i could forgive and forget but i cannot
maybe we weren't meant to be
that's why there calling a friendship recall

for months i have been ready,
I've wanted to give up
i feel like life is not worth it,
like there's no point in trying

people say all the time,
"don't give up on your dreams."
do they really know me?

i've been in my own boxing match for far too long,
i'm struggling to fight against myself
its almost time for a knock out
cause i'm done, and the fight is over

i'm not fighting to be happy
i'm not fighting to keep some person in my life,
i'm simply fighting to stay alive

since the day i turned to the dark
since the day i realized i was depressed and alone
since the day i started high school,
I've been a fighter

but.....

why fight when your gonna loose?
why run when your not fast enough?
why sing when you can't hit the right notes?
why try to keep it together when you know you can't?

is it worth it to loose the fight of your life?
is it worth it if you are in last place?
is it worth it if you never get a solo?
is it worth it when you are going to fall apart?

is life worth it?

there's something different
in my face,
in my eyes
i'm caught in a swirl of emotions
that i can no longer hide

that doesn't matter
i'm going soon
i will no longer
be terribly bruised

soon i'll be going
and then i'll be gone
i want you to know,
you did nothing wrong

as i get closer,
to my terrible death
your figuring it out
but are nearly close

i wish you knew
that i'm going
going,
and then i'm gone

i can't continue to struggle
i can't continue to hide
i can't deal,,
with my miserable life

can't you see?
i've made mistakes
i ruined my life
i can't face the pain,
not one more time

i know you don't realize,
they way that i feel,
i want you to know,
my feelings are real

i hope that you'll be happy,
when you notice that i'm gone
i'll be one less person in the world,
that has to "stay strong"

i'm so sick of lying,
so sick of hiding it all
that's why i'm leaving earth,
before i have to spill it all

don't try and safe me
i'm already gone

what do you think when you read the word heartbreak?
the ever constant ache,
all of the smiles we have to fake
all the pain we have to face
when are we going to close this stupid case?
the thought of them in our mind that takes so much effort to erase
it will never end

as the days go by,
you can't help but cry
it is so hard you would rather die
you don't know that good people do drop by
and with the heartbreak, the time never seems to go by

but you did nothing wrong
so why are you the one playing all the sad songs?
being the one who can't tell right from wrong
there's no way your going to move along
maybe the pain is life long
nothing else can go wrong

at this point, life may ****
you feel suddenly life your love is out of luck
you will no longer be love struck,
the pain just seems to ascend
and it never seems to end

what heartbreak means to you may be different to me,
you may see it completely differently
but heartbreak is still heartbreak,
no matter how much pain you will face

just stricken by pain

heartbreak road has no end
you really need a friend,
but you just lost your best friend

how did i turn to this dead end?
how did it get this bad?
there's no turning back now
i have no where else to go

i can't go forward,
I've already been to far back
how the hell do i get back on track?

there has been no questions answered
no apologies accepted
no smiles
nothing but silence and heartbreak hovering over me
how did i get to this point?

it all started with heartbreak
all of the risks we had to take
I'm followed by this haze
wondering, when will i get out of this maze?

i made my decisions,
i wish we could have a revision
i turned left on this maze,
and still,  for you, I'm crazed

your voice blares through the speaker
my soul is getting darker and darker
i can't stand it
but i know i can't quit

with every step,
it feels like i have misstep
the torture is getting worse
its like I'm cursed
and i know the end
is not near
get me out of here

I'm stuck in this heartbreak maze
i hurt in so many ways
its all because of you
how was i supposed to know that you're love for me wasn't true?

i hope you're happy
because i am unhappy
I'm going to die soon
from my big heart bruise
i hurt way too much inside
the pain will never subside

who knew heartbreak could ****?
i know you're having a thrill
don't be happy much longer
soon enough, your guilt won't make you any stronger

so here i am,
stuck behind these walls
i know you don't care at all
i sit here and give my last brawl
how did our love ever fall?

i hope you got what you wanted,
now I'm gone

over time,
you loose home
**** happens,
if you didn't already know

i lost everyone
i just can't stay strong
and now,
i'm lost, confused and broken

people promised me it would get better
life continued to get worse
they said it could only get better,
well, i'm rock bottom

i'm not going anywhere
i'm staying here
i can't do anything about it
i'm rock bottom

i can't go up,
i can't go down,
i can't get help
i can't move on

when you're  rock bottom
people tell you the only way is up,
they are wrong
i

home:

my house is hell, its the fiery pit we all call hell.
my family is the devil, and I'm its victim.
the "devil" likes to throw everything its got at me making remarks and pointing out everything I do, just making me remember every second of my pathetic life,  that my home really is hell.
I get home from the prison they call school and get off the bus to hell, not expecting what the devil will do to me this time.
my devils see who I really am as a bunch of lies.
they question me as a person every single day.
I have to face not one devil, but three.
I wish I could avoid all of my devils, but hell, I ain't gonna get rejoice in my lifetime.
I have made no decisions that would put me in heaven nor in hell when I die, but I live in hell, I learn at hell, and I deal with the devil day by day of my life.
there is no god in my life, there is no light at the end of the tunnel; its just a dark inferno hell.
you may question the decisions you make all the time because it may be the difference of heaven or hell, but that does not apply to me, I already live in hell, and there's no way I'm getting out of the devils wrath.
the smoke of hell chokes me, leaving me to gasp for air when there is no mercy.
to me, hell is like Harry Houdini ready to escape from his magical glass box, only that I'm not Houdini, so there's really no way of escaping.
I am trapped, suffering from the lack of water and air. Houdini had it easy, he could actually escape.
but unlike him, there's no way out of hell.
the devils take your soul and with the touch of there hands, the piercing stab of there words, insults, arguments, it turns your heart cold, limp, lifeless, numb.
but home isn't my only hell.
day by day; I live in a personal hell being mocked, ridiculed for my mistakes, just torn to shreds
. every step I take is burning the soles of my shoes; my feet.
no matter how far away from home I am, I'm still in hell

how long can we hurt
before we fall apart

how long can we suffer
until it gets to much

weeks?
months?
years?
just tell me, how long?

we can only suffer for so long
until we break
or we fall

but, is it worth it at all?

i know i'm hurting,
but i can't do anything
i know i'm dying,
but i can't save myself

i make steel walls
i brace for impact
my walls are impenetrable
you won't even chip it

you think i can trust you,
you think i'm fine
you don't know
how close i am to taking my life

when i was younger,
too oblivious to understand what was going on,
i didn't know what was happening.
we would play a little game
hiding in the hallway,
running in and out of my room,
laughing, having fun.
well, we were too young to understand what was going on.

i didn't understand until years later,
that when we were playing games,
my parents were fighting,
getting closer and closer to there divorce

years later, i now understand what happened,
but now, i honestly wish i didn't...
because my family was broken,
and i'm broken now too

I feel so ugly,
so out of place.
So worthless,
like I have the world to face.

Life pushes me,
this time I don't fight back.
I sit there and let it push me,
further,
further,
further down.
Nearly down a well of nothingness.

Here I am,
This is where I will stay.
I am happy this way

Happy feeling depressed.
Happy feeling worthless.
Happy feeling and being ugly.

I don't belong anywhere,
nowhere at all.

I know you,
I know you so well mom

I know you didn't love him
and I know you don't love me

so go ahead,
tell me the truth,
you don't love me

you never have, and you never will

I'm glad i was forced to say goodbye to you
I'm glad i had to
i may have missed you before,
i will never miss you again

you turned evil,
you turned into a witch
more like a *****

we parted at just the right time
i no longer have to face you
i don't have to deal with you,
and all of your ****

you were simply a *****,
you are mean
you were extremely mean to me
and now, you're not my problem

you're gone
I'm gone
i hope you miss me,
cause I'll never miss you

oh look,
its a *****!

she was the girl,
the girl in the corner
the girl that didn't have friends,
the girl no one cared about

no one knew her name
we barely knew she was alive
none of us took the time,
just to say hi

if someone talked to her,
if we were nice to her,
maybe we could've saved her life

it was too late
the corner she used to sit in is empty
people now know her name,
she committed suicide

we were all to late

I'm tired
too tired to care
I'm trying so hard
I know its not enough

I can't be fixed
please don't try
someday,
I'll be dead and gone
and you'll  move on

I just cant do this anymore
the days will go on,
but I will not

I am done
done with this misery people call "life:"
what's the point of life,
if we don't enjoy it?

Why do I live,
if the suffering is inevitable?
and don't ever stop feeling numb
when can I be done and gone?
i'm just a memory,
nothing art all

at first,
its so easy to act like its nothing,
to act like your fine,
but its not
and you still do it anyways

but then
things start to get to you
your hurt
you feel let down
but you still keep it on in

by the time you want to say something
its too late
and you have to deal with it forver

some life we live!