sometimes you wish you could let it go
you've been holding your feelings in for far too long
and you want to break,
and bend,
and just let it go

you want to stop hiding
every bad feeling you feel
because keeping it all in,
will never let your broken heart heal

you cant do this anymore,
you can't keep it in
but you cant let it go

please let it go,
it will help you heal,
conceal don't feel,
let it go

Dear friends,
Hello. How are you? I'm fine, thanks.
Recently, I haven't been opening up at all,
And I'm sorry,
Some of you I trust with little things,
Some, not at all...
Well, you know who you are and where you stand.

There's allot of things i haven't been telling you
Now, I wont go in depth,
Cause there's not much time left,
But this might be my last chance to be honest.

Things have been getting worse,
Slowly with time
I don't even know who I am anymore,
I've lost control.
I had a mental breakdown about a week ago
I guess it's just too much, all of this
I can't do this anymore

Now, don't say "I'm sorry"
There's nothing to be sorry for
I couldn't let you in,
Because I shut my windows and doors

I've realized one thing,
It just wont get better,
My life slowly fell apart,
Day by day,
And here I am
Ready to just die
The lies don't make things better
But I can't tell the truth either

Who wants to know the truth anyways?
I'm sure I really don't,
Not now, not ever,
Because when someone tells the truth,
Someone else gets hurt

Don't ask what happened,
Because there's no answer,
No real explanation
Its my fault...
It always has been
Goodbye friends

sincerely, Apathy, aka Holdingon, aka em1640, aka Emily

I had this dream about a year ago
and now its back
we were in top of the empire state building
there was no explanation for it at all
we were standing there,
I was staring into your brown eyes
everything seemed fine
it was pouring and raining
but we didn't care
as long as the other person was there
suddenly I slipped
and I feel
you grabbed onto my hand
I held on for my dear life
I was so scared,
but for you,
that was not the same
you said nothing, still
you shook your head and said " I have to do this"
you let me go

like father, like son
my dad hit my mother, now you hit me
who the hell are you?

the first time you hit me,
I thought,
he was just mad, it won't happen again

and then the second time,
I just assumed,
he's stressed out over school

and then came the fourth,
and the fifth,
and the sixth
it never ends

while I have done nothing do deserve this
she has done EVERYTHING
but, there's always an excuse every single time
am I like her?
I HOPE NOT!!!!

now I know,
like father,
like son

and now, strength I have none,
but fear I have tons

why do i sit in a corner?
why don't i have friends?
cause, i may die soon,
that kinda depends

"depends on what?", you say
depends on if i mess things up
" you did nothing wrong" you said
you say that like you really give a ****

you thought we were close
you thought we would last
well kiddo,
that's a thing of the past

in a world of happiness,
i always frown
when everyone out there has friends,
i'm just the loner

leave the loner be
i'm gonna die anyways

This is it
This is the end
The end of us
The end of you being there

I am now nothing
Because I don't have you
That is why,
That is why I'm so blue

I now have no one to trust
You have to go, you must
It's okay
But I have to stay

You know I'm upset
I'm loosing my best friend
I'm loosing the one person
I know I can always trust

It's fine, honestly
I'm just loosing you

a girl wanted to read what I was writing today
she noticed that I've been writing poetry,
every day,
in choir class
as I was sitting there,
writing my feelings away,
she asked me what I was writing,
and I said " a poem"
and it went on from there

we talked about poetry and writing lyrics
its been the only conversation  I've had all week that hasn't ended with me being scared
or anxious,
or mad,
and definitely feeling like I was going to cry
she's a nice kid, happy innocent, and then there's me

she said she wanted to read my poetry,
I said I couldn't
my poems are to personal,
i'm afraid I might let her read the wrong poem,
and she will take things to far

so, she said, " if you do write something you want to share with me, i'll read it"
and I went back to the darkness

some listen to pop
and like lady gaga
some listen to rap
and like tupac
abut me, i'm different

i listen to what is considered,
"emo music," or "goth music,"

so what does it matter,
if i listen to black veil brides,
or even of mice and men

music is music,
and that music saved my life

I want to die
I want to end it all
I have to break,
and then i'll fall

I can't deal with this anymore
I really want to die
but I can't
I just can't leave anyone behind

no one knows how bad i'm hurting,
i'm hurting really bad
so bad,
i'll take my life for it

what are my wishes?
my wish is to die
and never live another day again,
and to leave this all behind

here I am, once again,
in my corner, music in my ears,
and there's everyone around me,
enjoying time with there friends.

maybe for a change,
I don't want to be the person people ignore,
I am like an outsider,
i mean nothing, nothing at all

there is a wall between me and the world
I try to climb it,
I try to break it, or even chip at it,
I try to stop the essence of this wall from torturing me
but I fail, and don't succeed one bit

it hurt at first,
that no one cares
but over time,
you get used to it

but as time goes on,
and nothing changes,
with the loneliness,
the ostracization,
i grow content

maybe they were right,
i am nothing,
nothing but an outsider looking in

there once was a girl,
a girl that always sits in the corner
no one cared about her
until....
she was gone

funny thing is,
people don't realize how much you care about someone
until there gone forever
they didn't know they liked her,
until she left everyone's  life's

you may wonder where people who commit suicide go,
heaven or hell
no one knows
they may still be in our hearts,
near or far,
i'll tell you one thing,
they didn't leave you by car

they didn't just leave you though,
they left everyone on earth,
they left earth its self
they aren't coming back

there not living,
there not dead
there not anything,
but our gone "friends"

i sit in the cold
angry, frustrated, fed up,
done

i dont move,
not an inch
all i can do is think

as time ticks by,
my begin to feel numb,
like my heart,
like me

and then they get cold,
like my heart,
like me

and then they get warm
just like me

things get happy before they become numb
same thing happened with my hands
same thing happened with my heart

my point is,
you feel darkness,
for a long time

and for a second,
you see the light,

and then you feel nothing
and now,
you will always be numb

when i heard you called
my heart skipped a beat
i haven't talked to you in years
why are you calling me

of coarse i missed you
why wouldn't i?
i haven't had you in my life
but i still watch my life pass by

why are you calling all of a sudden?
i still love you, and i miss you,
but your so far away

i want to hear your voice
but i still wonder,
why are you calling?

what happened to the bond we had?
is this love?

urgh
i'm so stressed

my pile of work used to be so small
just a few things
but it grew
and grew
and grew
it may fall on me

when I thought it wouldn't get bigger,
it did
it's still growing
it will never end

its been two weeks
I haven't made a dent
my pile of work will never end

why the hell,
did you pity me?

deal with it,
i had my issues
your pity,
makes me feel like ****

we all have our bad days
so forget it, leave me alone
i don't need your pity

only if you knew
what my life is really like
they you'd give me so much pity
it would overwhelm me

i may loose everyone
i may loose everything
just don't feel pity for me

cutting causes problems
it ruins friendships
it puts a wall between a mother and her daughter
it ruins everything
but it feels amazing

the feeling of the blade across your skin,
to see my blood,
to feel the pain,
to shiver from how cold the blade is,
its my only escape

it ruins lives,
but we do it anyways
its the only way some people feel anything
we do it to release anger, or pain

I don't regret it,
not one bit
it keeps me alive
it makes me feel real pain

it feels so good,
but its so bad for me

I should think its bad,
because it really is,
but I can't get over how much I love it,
I know its sick

this " self harm" is one problem
on a pile of millions
it is unsolved
and will always remain the same

i am prometheus
you are the bird.

as i sit here chained,
i can't control what happens,
i can't end this torture,
i can't end the pain

and now, day by day, you eat out my soul
i know you enjoy it,
you live life and laugh,
making fun of all my pain

for i am prometheus, ain't that so?
or maybe a 15 year old girl hurt by an old foe
i don't know
all i do know is,
why can't you just stop?
stop eating my soul out,
stop torturing me

can't you just end this my zeus?

why?
why did I do it?
why did I start what I stopped?
why did I think of the things I shouldn't have thought?

so there I was,
blade in my hand,
getting ready to cut again

you ask me why?
why is it that out of everything,
the cutting is the thing I find?
I know its hard to hide,
but I don't mind

the pain is the thing I need
I feel the pain again as I bleed
I need something I can control
please don't call me a fool

I know I relapsed
but telling you was the only thing I could do

If you wanted to know, how it feels.
It feels like your restrained,
From being happy.
Like your being held back from being okay.

And, honestly,
It's not easy

It's like being sore or in pain,
and not being able to show it,
No matter how much pain your in.

The problem with it is,
the people that seem happiest,
often are the most depressed

That's why its so hard to tell if someones depressed

It's also one of the hardest things to deal with,
The sadness.
The hopelessness.
The numbness.
And yet people still keep a smile on there face.

when it gets so bad.
and people die,
because they cant take it anymore
everyone says "I didn't know it was that bad"
well, they didn't want you to know it was that bad

that's what I hate about depression,
people suffer in silence,
and don't have anyone that supports them,
and when they are gone,
everyone is shocked,
because no one knew they were depressed

So please,
People out there,
don't suffer in silence,
talk to someone,
talk to me,
because I care,

I know how depression feels
and the fake smiles,
and all the "i'm fines"
I know depression ***** ***,
but, please
don't suffer in silence,
because that's what i do,
don't be me,
please

its like a plague,
it spreads through my body

first, my head,
first it crawls into my skull, causing its poison to clip in the cracks
and then the poison seeps into my brain, making me feel like everyone hates me
it kills my nerves,making my emotions go away

then to my chest
it travels down my spine and around my ribs, crushing my ability to breathe
and it clogs my arteries, getting closer to the source
then, it finally gets to my heart, breaking it instantly
at this point, i am to broken to utter anything, i stay silent like a winters night

from there, it goes down
it kills off my liver, making me scream ****** ******
it makes my kidneys shrivel, making me fall
stays inside the intestines, making me hurl and *** my pants
i am nearly dying, but it still goes on

its poison is to much, and i die

its the day that the loneliness poison finally killed me
at least i won't be lonely in hell

Things are changing
Things are changing real quick
You are leaving
I am staying
The school year is coming to an end

Things are changing
Things are changing for the better
You have a new job
I'm still the same person
All is well

I know things are changing
I know that when next year rolls by
I'll walk past your old classroom and try not to cry
Things are changing for a reason

That is why,
As the last few days roll by
I have to say goodbye
So, goodbye

trust is filled and spilled,
its lost and gained,
its stolen and given
and still, i trust no one

every single time i trust someone,
they hurt me
so why do i trust at all?

somethings are broken,
but sometimes,
they never get fixed

how do i trust someone,
when all they ever do is hurt me?

its like a loop,
it constantly terrorizes me,
at first,
i don't trust you, out of fear,
out of insecurity,
but then i let you in,
ever so slowly,
and then, when i'm not noticing,
you turn it all around,
you hurt me.
you hurt me over and over again

when i'm done with being hurt,
i move on,
just to find someone else to be friends with,
to trust,
and then to get hurt by all over again

i thought at 15,
your supposed to learn how to cook,
how to go out in the real world,
to prepare for college or your future
but i'm not learning that,
i'm learning how mean people can be

so, Kayla,
Sarah,
Haley,
Kelsey
Miss Shaddock,
and now Emmaliegh,
how do i trust again?

all you ever did was hurt me,
was it really that hard just to be a good person?
why did you hurt me?
i thought i could trust you,
now, i trust no one,
and that's because of you

today, i walk away
from you
from the pain
from the tears

tomorrow,
the past will be behind me
and you'll be sad,
for once,
and i'll be happy,
for once

walking away from this life
is all i can do anymore

i need to walk away
you need me to walk away

so here i go,
im leaving,
im walking away,
but your not loving me
will always stay

my walls are thick,
three feet deep
that's why i'm protecting you
so you wont see the side of me i don't let people see

I build my walls so thick,
you cant break through
I build my walls so high,
you'll never be able to climb

I know, you want me to trust you,
but I cant
i'm afraid i'll get hurt again

I build my walls so high, so thick
that you cant get in
I know you want to be there
but i'm so scared

i want to ask you one thing,
what is love?
what did loving the wrong man bring?
just a husband you want to get rid of

i can't tell them about what you have been doing
it would **** me to see their reactions
you knew there were suspicions brewing
next time think about us before you take actions

is this love?
is defying your life, your husband, your kids love?
you think you're all high, mighty,and up above
you lying all the time, is it worth it?

i know you,
i now know how horrible you are,
you are only creating more and more scars
hope you know,
this will never be forgotten

make your choice mom,
keep on ******* this horrible man,
keep on being the horrible person you really are
or stay with us, stay with me
stay apart of our family

pick your choice,
the man you think you love but just ****,
or the children that don't know you well enough

mom, is being with this man love?
if him cheating on his wife you is love,
i never want to find it on my own

you, my mother are ****** up

what is life?
is it the constant pain,
the sadness,
the darkness

what is happiness?
is it love?
is it following your dreams
or getting your dream job

i dont know what happiness is
i have never experienced it

is life happiness,
or sadness

someone please tell me

why?
why do I have to feel horrible over and over again?
why am I the person that always suffers,
when no one else feels pain

I'm so sick of smiling,
when people are around
I just wish
my happiness will be found

I used to have hope
but that was before my heart broke
my old life cannot be found,
with depression I am now bound

what is pain?
what is life?
what's the point of anything?

if pain hurts so much,
then why do I try?

why did you let me go?
why did you let my heartbreak go?

why did you leave me out?
our relationship is done without a doubt

why?
do we all experience heartbreak?
why did you make my heart ache?
what was the point of all the risks i take?
i guess i didn't know i would break

why do i still hold on?
i'm still standing in front of you
i always stay strong
why aren't i crumbling in a ball?
and now, no one will break down my walls

so, please, tell me why
why did you have to lie?
why did you poison my heart?
why did we fall apart

just please, tell me why

i walk down the hallways,
i don't want to be here anymore

life is pointless,
i don't want to be alive

i tell my friends how i'm feeling,
they are concerned,
but i didn't want them to be

i walk away,
i don't want help
my friends say its the only way out.
but to me, suicide is the only way

they go and get me help anyways,
in there minds it was what's best
they tell the people what i told them,
they were worried

i hid my face behind my hair
i was going to hurt myself,
i was scared
i was going to commit suicide

two hours later,
i get called down to guidance,
i was honest,
my honesty saved me

from there,
the doctors,
from there the hospital

i waited,
i slept,
i watched tv,
i cried,
i did nothing

and finally, i met with a doctor
once again,
i was honest

my diagnosis:
clinical depression and anxiety

i'm tired of your ****
i'm hot from anger,
i'm sick of life's crap
i'm sick of you

don't you know?
my heart is bruised
its not because of her,
who abandoned me
its not because of those,
who hurt me,
it's because of you

sure they hurt me,
but it's nothing
its nothing,
compared to what you do
you make me hate you

you lied to me constantly,
you don't care for me at all
you bring be down,
you hate me,
i know you do

what kind of person are you?

I need you
I need you really badly
im screaming out for you
im nearly calling your name,
asking you for help

im at my worst,
at my lowest
and yet you do nothing,
who are you?

you don't care about me
I hurt myself daily and you dont care
all you care about is everyone else
like all of the other times

im suffering the worst
and yet you just turn your head and walk away
don't you see,
I need you

so, if Im dead,
you wouldn't care either,
cause simply,
YOU DON'T CARE!!!!

you were a joy to be with
i smiled and laughed every time i was with you
you helped me when i was down
you picked me up off the ground

it was never the same again
you found someone better, someone new
together you did all the things we used to do
you laughed and smiled all the time
you opened your hearts to each other and shared everything
but you didn't know what that did to me

you're still in the picture" you said
i am, but i'm in the background
"you're still my best friend," you swore
i was your second favorite, never the less

when you gain one, you loose another
with that, you never seemed to be bothered
you just lost your best friend of 7 years
and now, we are only peers