I feel so ugly,
so out of place.
So worthless,
like I have the world to face.

Life pushes me,
this time I don't fight back.
I sit there and let it push me,
further,
further,
further down.
Nearly down a well of nothingness.

Here I am,
This is where I will stay.
I am happy this way

Happy feeling depressed.
Happy feeling worthless.
Happy feeling and being ugly.

I don't belong anywhere,
nowhere at all.

I'm tired
too tired to care
I'm trying so hard
I know its not enough

I can't be fixed
please don't try
someday,
I'll be dead and gone
and you'll  move on

I just cant do this anymore
the days will go on,
but I will not

I am done
done with this misery people call "life:"
what's the point of life,
if we don't enjoy it?

Why do I live,
if the suffering is inevitable?
and don't ever stop feeling numb
when can I be done and gone?
i'm just a memory,
nothing art all

Dear friends,
Hello. How are you? I'm fine, thanks.
Recently, I haven't been opening up at all,
And I'm sorry,
Some of you I trust with little things,
Some, not at all...
Well, you know who you are and where you stand.

There's allot of things i haven't been telling you
Now, I wont go in depth,
Cause there's not much time left,
But this might be my last chance to be honest.

Things have been getting worse,
Slowly with time
I don't even know who I am anymore,
I've lost control.
I had a mental breakdown about a week ago
I guess it's just too much, all of this
I can't do this anymore

Now, don't say "I'm sorry"
There's nothing to be sorry for
I couldn't let you in,
Because I shut my windows and doors

I've realized one thing,
It just wont get better,
My life slowly fell apart,
Day by day,
And here I am
Ready to just die
The lies don't make things better
But I can't tell the truth either

Who wants to know the truth anyways?
I'm sure I really don't,
Not now, not ever,
Because when someone tells the truth,
Someone else gets hurt

Don't ask what happened,
Because there's no answer,
No real explanation
Its my fault...
It always has been
Goodbye friends

sincerely, Apathy, aka Holdingon, aka em1640, aka Emily

when i was younger,
too oblivious to understand what was going on,
i didn't know what was happening.
we would play a little game
hiding in the hallway,
running in and out of my room,
laughing, having fun.
well, we were too young to understand what was going on.

i didn't understand until years later,
that when we were playing games,
my parents were fighting,
getting closer and closer to there divorce

years later, i now understand what happened,
but now, i honestly wish i didn't...
because my family was broken,
and i'm broken now too

If you wanted to know, how it feels.
It feels like your restrained,
From being happy.
Like your being held back from being okay.

And, honestly,
It's not easy

It's like being sore or in pain,
and not being able to show it,
No matter how much pain your in.

The problem with it is,
the people that seem happiest,
often are the most depressed

That's why its so hard to tell if someones depressed

It's also one of the hardest things to deal with,
The sadness.
The hopelessness.
The numbness.
And yet people still keep a smile on there face.

when it gets so bad.
and people die,
because they cant take it anymore
everyone says "I didn't know it was that bad"
well, they didn't want you to know it was that bad

that's what I hate about depression,
people suffer in silence,
and don't have anyone that supports them,
and when they are gone,
everyone is shocked,
because no one knew they were depressed

So please,
People out there,
don't suffer in silence,
talk to someone,
talk to me,
because I care,

I know how depression feels
and the fake smiles,
and all the "i'm fines"
I know depression ***** ***,
but, please
don't suffer in silence,
because that's what i do,
don't be me,
please

I know it's just a number.
but it's not to me,
to me, it's a score.

What kind of score?
not a sports score.
Not a test score, for class,
or a quiz score, for school,
but, a reality check.

I took a depression test,
for my new therapist.
40 was the minimum,
for Extreme Depression.
I got a score of 52.

It made me upset,
more than I already am.
Cause I didn't think what I am feeling is that bad,
now i'm really sad

here I am, once again,
in my corner, music in my ears,
and there's everyone around me,
enjoying time with there friends.

maybe for a change,
I don't want to be the person people ignore,
I am like an outsider,
i mean nothing, nothing at all

there is a wall between me and the world
I try to climb it,
I try to break it, or even chip at it,
I try to stop the essence of this wall from torturing me
but I fail, and don't succeed one bit

it hurt at first,
that no one cares
but over time,
you get used to it

but as time goes on,
and nothing changes,
with the loneliness,
the ostracization,
i grow content

maybe they were right,
i am nothing,
nothing but an outsider looking in

my walls are thick,
three feet deep
that's why i'm protecting you
so you wont see the side of me i don't let people see

I build my walls so thick,
you cant break through
I build my walls so high,
you'll never be able to climb

I know, you want me to trust you,
but I cant
i'm afraid i'll get hurt again

I build my walls so high, so thick
that you cant get in
I know you want to be there
but i'm so scared

why?
why did I do it?
why did I start what I stopped?
why did I think of the things I shouldn't have thought?

so there I was,
blade in my hand,
getting ready to cut again

you ask me why?
why is it that out of everything,
the cutting is the thing I find?
I know its hard to hide,
but I don't mind

the pain is the thing I need
I feel the pain again as I bleed
I need something I can control
please don't call me a fool

I know I relapsed
but telling you was the only thing I could do

maybe, i don't fit in
maybe i don't belong
this place hasn't been right for me
since everything went wrong

i walk, the lonely streets
i search for something deep inside of me
but i find nothing,
nothing but blue

i feel blue
always, forever blue
the days are lonely,
the nights are cold
but i will always be blue

as i walk along the busy streets
and the lights of this city
i begin to think, its not worth it
i dont matter, not one bit

i walk, the lonely streets
i search for something deep inside of me
but i find nothing,
nothing but blue

i feel blue
always, forever blue
the days are lonely,
the nights are cold
but i will always be blue

when did it begin?
when does it end?
when will i be happy again?
always blue
forever sad
i am nothing

i feel blue
always, forever blue
the days are lonely,
the nights are cold
but i will always be blue

i feel blue
always, forever blue
the days are lonely,
the nights are cold
but i will always be blue

im just blue
never happy
never smiling
just blue,
so blue
only blue
i am very blue

I started the first day of my sophomore year with excitement
I wanted this year to be a better year
I finish the year depressed annoyed and *******
This year wasn't a better year
I used to speed down the hallway to get to class
Now I dread going
I know the year is almost over
But I want to give up
This year was tough
I can't concentrate
I barely sleep
Why?
One word
Finals!

This is it
This is the end
The end of us
The end of you being there

I am now nothing
Because I don't have you
That is why,
That is why I'm so blue

I now have no one to trust
You have to go, you must
It's okay
But I have to stay

You know I'm upset
I'm loosing my best friend
I'm loosing the one person
I know I can always trust

It's fine, honestly
I'm just loosing you

Things are changing
Things are changing real quick
You are leaving
I am staying
The school year is coming to an end

Things are changing
Things are changing for the better
You have a new job
I'm still the same person
All is well

I know things are changing
I know that when next year rolls by
I'll walk past your old classroom and try not to cry
Things are changing for a reason

That is why,
As the last few days roll by
I have to say goodbye
So, goodbye

at first,
its so easy to act like its nothing,
to act like your fine,
but its not
and you still do it anyways

but then
things start to get to you
your hurt
you feel let down
but you still keep it on in

by the time you want to say something
its too late
and you have to deal with it forver

some life we live!

when i heard you called
my heart skipped a beat
i haven't talked to you in years
why are you calling me

of coarse i missed you
why wouldn't i?
i haven't had you in my life
but i still watch my life pass by

why are you calling all of a sudden?
i still love you, and i miss you,
but your so far away

i want to hear your voice
but i still wonder,
why are you calling?

what happened to the bond we had?
is this love?

what is life?
is it the constant pain,
the sadness,
the darkness

what is happiness?
is it love?
is it following your dreams
or getting your dream job

i dont know what happiness is
i have never experienced it

is life happiness,
or sadness

someone please tell me

some listen to pop
and like lady gaga
some listen to rap
and like tupac
abut me, i'm different

i listen to what is considered,
"emo music," or "goth music,"

so what does it matter,
if i listen to black veil brides,
or even of mice and men

music is music,
and that music saved my life

the day i finally get to go up to someone and say,
"this is who i am."

i'm depressed
i'm suicidal,
i cut myself
so what?

that semi colon on my wrist,
represents the life i didn't end
and represents the life i'm still living

something saved me,
and now i want to save someone else too

on 4/16, i will stay silent for those who let their inner demons win
because mine didn't, and i'm still here
416 strong

today, i walk away
from you
from the pain
from the tears

tomorrow,
the past will be behind me
and you'll be sad,
for once,
and i'll be happy,
for once

walking away from this life
is all i can do anymore

i need to walk away
you need me to walk away

so here i go,
im leaving,
im walking away,
but your not loving me
will always stay

sometimes you wish you could let it go
you've been holding your feelings in for far too long
and you want to break,
and bend,
and just let it go

you want to stop hiding
every bad feeling you feel
because keeping it all in,
will never let your broken heart heal

you cant do this anymore,
you can't keep it in
but you cant let it go

please let it go,
it will help you heal,
conceal don't feel,
let it go

i sit in the cold
angry, frustrated, fed up,
done

i dont move,
not an inch
all i can do is think

as time ticks by,
my begin to feel numb,
like my heart,
like me

and then they get cold,
like my heart,
like me

and then they get warm
just like me

things get happy before they become numb
same thing happened with my hands
same thing happened with my heart

my point is,
you feel darkness,
for a long time

and for a second,
you see the light,

and then you feel nothing
and now,
you will always be numb

we were driving
but we were driving way to fast

didn't know she was drunk,
didn't know she was under the influence
didn't know anything

and here i was,
in the car,
with my drunk mother

i knew we were going fast,
i really didnt care
i just wanted my mom to get out of my hair

as we turned a corner,
my mother turned on the gas
we were going way too fast

she was giggling and laughing,
just as a drunk person would be

my mother was drunk and driving,
and i was in the car

i secretely hoped she would hit another car,
as she accelerated,
i hoped that the car would get totaled,
and i would die

dont drink and drive

I wonder what its like to die
to get away from this horrible life
to stop suffering,
to be happy for once

i'll see you there,
and I hold you tight
and you'll tell me its alright

you'll look into my eyes and ask me,
" why are you here? your too young,"
and i'll say, " I was just done"

im done with my life here
my life is pointless

I want a taste of what she has

here I am
left alone,
broken,
and torn

no one seems to care
no one asks why,
I am forcing myself not to cry

they just let me live through life
with all of the pain in my eyes
they don't care,
about all the burdens I bear

so I sit alone,
because I have no one
and with life,
i'm just done

there's nothing left to give up on,
my demons have already won

I know you,
I know you so well mom

I know you didn't love him
and I know you don't love me

so go ahead,
tell me the truth,
you don't love me

you never have, and you never will

its the word that kills us all its more then a prolonged sadness; its a monster. it takes over the best of us and turns us into horrible creatures. it ruins lives, it turns families on each other, it ruins friendships, it makes you fail out of school, it gets you fired, it ruins your dreams, your goals; everything. it hurts you over and over again until you stop trying. and even then, after you give up on trying and you give up on yourself, it still likes to torture you. depression is like the friend that comes back in your life over and over again. when people tell you it gets better, depression slaps you in the face and tells you that it never gets better. depression takes the happy person in you and never gives it back. it likes to beat you up. guess what? you never heal. no white capsule in the world can **** the monster embedded inside you. yes, it won't make you miserable, but the monster never leaves. it waits and waits for the right time to come back and pounce. you can fight against it for the rest of your life, but you will never win. you can try as hard as you can, but you will never truly win. no one ever wins. that why i'm giving up

I need you
I need you really badly
im screaming out for you
im nearly calling your name,
asking you for help

im at my worst,
at my lowest
and yet you do nothing,
who are you?

you don't care about me
I hurt myself daily and you dont care
all you care about is everyone else
like all of the other times

im suffering the worst
and yet you just turn your head and walk away
don't you see,
I need you

so, if Im dead,
you wouldn't care either,
cause simply,
YOU DON'T CARE!!!!

I walk around aimlessly
I realize more and more,
I have no purpose for life

I don't want to go home
I don't want to cover up the frown I have to hide
its better if I crawled up and died
because im already dying inside

if I just wander around like this forever
it will help everyone around me
they won't have to deal with me
and the demons I possess

they win this time
im done
with life,
with fighting back

im gone,
and im never coming back

my demons have won
and now im dead,
and forever gone

I had this dream about a year ago
and now its back
we were in top of the empire state building
there was no explanation for it at all
we were standing there,
I was staring into your brown eyes
everything seemed fine
it was pouring and raining
but we didn't care
as long as the other person was there
suddenly I slipped
and I feel
you grabbed onto my hand
I held on for my dear life
I was so scared,
but for you,
that was not the same
you said nothing, still
you shook your head and said " I have to do this"
you let me go

its going to be 6 years,
or maybe 7
since you've been gone

I miss you,
I miss you so bad
you are the best friend
right now that I wish I had

this holiday is tough
I wish you were here
and I wish,
I wish you were near

on Christmas morning,
i'll think about you
and on that day,
I won't be blue

I love you

how long can we hurt
before we fall apart

how long can we suffer
until it gets to much

weeks?
months?
years?
just tell me, how long?

we can only suffer for so long
until we break
or we fall

but, is it worth it at all?

who am I?
what happened to me?
what happened to the little girl that used to be so happy?

its gone
its all gone
my happiness
hope
everything is gone
i'll never see the old me again

urgh
i'm so stressed

my pile of work used to be so small
just a few things
but it grew
and grew
and grew
it may fall on me

when I thought it wouldn't get bigger,
it did
it's still growing
it will never end

its been two weeks
I haven't made a dent
my pile of work will never end

I want to die
I want to end it all
I have to break,
and then i'll fall

I can't deal with this anymore
I really want to die
but I can't
I just can't leave anyone behind

no one knows how bad i'm hurting,
i'm hurting really bad
so bad,
i'll take my life for it

what are my wishes?
my wish is to die
and never live another day again,
and to leave this all behind

i walk down the hallways,
i don't want to be here anymore

life is pointless,
i don't want to be alive

i tell my friends how i'm feeling,
they are concerned,
but i didn't want them to be

i walk away,
i don't want help
my friends say its the only way out.
but to me, suicide is the only way

they go and get me help anyways,
in there minds it was what's best
they tell the people what i told them,
they were worried

i hid my face behind my hair
i was going to hurt myself,
i was scared
i was going to commit suicide

two hours later,
i get called down to guidance,
i was honest,
my honesty saved me

from there,
the doctors,
from there the hospital

i waited,
i slept,
i watched tv,
i cried,
i did nothing

and finally, i met with a doctor
once again,
i was honest

my diagnosis:
clinical depression and anxiety

i can't do this anymore
i can't hold on
i'm hurting to much,
but i'm trying to stay strong

i'm so sick of hiding
what i feel
but its taking forever
for my wounds to heal

today i feel like **
tomorrow, i will feel worse
my heart can no longer take it
it may burst

why am i hurting so bad?
i'm so sad
i live a life full of regrets
what made my life so bad?

as i sit in my corner,
the darkness never goes away
so in the darkness,
i will stay

jumping,
falling
splatting
crashing
to the ground I go

finally ending it all,
is this really the thing to do?

leaving no one behind,
that's my goal,
I just don't want them to suffer,
and get a heart full of holes

here I am,
inches from my death,
I think about my life,
and all the secrets that I kept

as the days pass,
I don't leave this spot
every single day I have the chance to make my decision
will I stay, or will I go?

maybe, someday, I'll go

why?
why do I have to feel horrible over and over again?
why am I the person that always suffers,
when no one else feels pain

I'm so sick of smiling,
when people are around
I just wish
my happiness will be found

I used to have hope
but that was before my heart broke
my old life cannot be found,
with depression I am now bound

what is pain?
what is life?
what's the point of anything?

if pain hurts so much,
then why do I try?

a girl wanted to read what I was writing today
she noticed that I've been writing poetry,
every day,
in choir class
as I was sitting there,
writing my feelings away,
she asked me what I was writing,
and I said " a poem"
and it went on from there

we talked about poetry and writing lyrics
its been the only conversation  I've had all week that hasn't ended with me being scared
or anxious,
or mad,
and definitely feeling like I was going to cry
she's a nice kid, happy innocent, and then there's me

she said she wanted to read my poetry,
I said I couldn't
my poems are to personal,
i'm afraid I might let her read the wrong poem,
and she will take things to far

so, she said, " if you do write something you want to share with me, i'll read it"
and I went back to the darkness

I used to be a little "kid"
so happy,
so fun,
so free,
what the hell happened to me?

the happy little "kid" in me is now lost
things happened
I'm not a "little kid" anymore

when you watch your family rip at the seams,
when everything in your life falls apart
when you get abused over and over again
your now an adult
your life turned to **** pretty quick

why can't I be a " little kid," again?
my life is now ruled by fear
why can't I just have a day with no worries?
"adults" get no breaks

I may be young,
but my childhood innocence is gone
its gone and it's NEVER coming back

cutting causes problems
it ruins friendships
it puts a wall between a mother and her daughter
it ruins everything
but it feels amazing

the feeling of the blade across your skin,
to see my blood,
to feel the pain,
to shiver from how cold the blade is,
its my only escape

it ruins lives,
but we do it anyways
its the only way some people feel anything
we do it to release anger, or pain

I don't regret it,
not one bit
it keeps me alive
it makes me feel real pain

it feels so good,
but its so bad for me

I should think its bad,
because it really is,
but I can't get over how much I love it,
I know its sick

this " self harm" is one problem
on a pile of millions
it is unsolved
and will always remain the same

knees shaking
heart pounding
why here? why now?

memories flash through my head,
I wish the weren't there
get out of my head,
now, in class, is not the time to relive these painful memories

and then I start panting,
i'm turning white
am I running out of breath?

I have to leave,
before I turn into an anxiety driven monster
but i'm chained to my desk
I can't get up

WHAT SHOULD I DO? WHAT SHOULD I DO? WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I bang my head on my desk,
I hope to pass out,
but then I realize,
i'm having anxiety

HELP ME!!!!

" i'm just tired,"
" its been a long day,"
"i'm sick,"
" i'm stressed,"
they are all excuses I use every single day

one day,
people will look past my excuses,
then, what will I say?

i'm not tired, i'm depressed
it hasn't been a long day, its been an endless one
i'm not sick, i'm just dying inside

when will the excuses end?
when can I stop lying?
I've already stopped fighting

you can make excuses for almost everything
but not when your dead

like father, like son
my dad hit my mother, now you hit me
who the hell are you?

the first time you hit me,
I thought,
he was just mad, it won't happen again

and then the second time,
I just assumed,
he's stressed out over school

and then came the fourth,
and the fifth,
and the sixth
it never ends

while I have done nothing do deserve this
she has done EVERYTHING
but, there's always an excuse every single time
am I like her?
I HOPE NOT!!!!

now I know,
like father,
like son

and now, strength I have none,
but fear I have tons

some people ask me why i call myself "apathy,"
they know its mysterious. its an emotion. sometimes, people ask me why I'm referring myself to an emotion
i never answer their questions
and now i am
once upon a time, in a land, not so far away,
lived a girl living in shame
she was losing her best friend,
she was losing her freaking mind,
she was even loosing herself
and in that, she lived a world of neglect, or crying, of depression, of pain
she was sick of it,
she was tired of it all
she didn't want to break and fall
and upon her journey into darkness,
she met someone.
the person helped her,
the person tried to show her the light,
the person tried to give her "potion"
this person tried to fix the girls sadness
it did not work
she tried every potion in the book,
and even went to someone for guidance, for help
nothing fixed it
and upon that, someone else appeared
she tried to fix the girl too
she brought her closer to the light,
the girl was nearly there,
but the darkness called her back
it only made things worse
people wanted her to see the light,
they wanted her to stay away from the dark
she couldn't fight
her demons caught up with her,
they killed her inside
she couldn't comprehend
she couldn't speak,
she couldn't cry,
she couldn't function,
she didn't feel anything but pain
but the pain did end,
and then she felt nothing,
and always will feel nothing
and that's when the name came
she started to call herself "apathy"
her real name was too happy
and to that we say, happy never after

i want to be lying in a coffin,
peaceful as can be
i want out of my horrible life
as soon as possible

you wanted to get me help
but i just couldn't do it
you wanted to save me
but i'm already gone

i'm sitting in darkness
and you wanted to pull the blinds
it would hurt my eyes
i will cower and shrivel with pain
and then i'll hide

you can try and save me,
you can try and help
you can try and make me happy
it doesn't matter,
nothing matters

i'm already gone

you say you regret it,
but i know you don't
you keep on apologizing,
i know you're not sorry

you know what you did,
you hurt me bad
and despite that,
you want me to come back?

you broke my heart
over and over again
so why the hell,
would i let you back in

you befriended my sister
she didn't know
you impressed my brother
ew, gross
my mother loves you
my father hates you,
so don't i

but baby, don't you ever come back,
ever!!

you think i'm yellow
happy,
vibrant,
but i'm really blue

on the outside, i'm happy,
but my inside, is not
you think i'm pink,
but i'm really blue

i'm always smiling,
but my smiles are fake,
i greet you kindly
i'm really in so much pain

i'm not yellow,
i'm not green,
i'm not pink,
i'm not anything,
but blue