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you are
friday night dinners and
red lip stained coffee cups
and family photos and skilled
sarcasm and twelve trips to
disney and your love for
avocados and adventure. you
are sunday morning bike rides
and hand written letters and
power outages with candlit ghost
stories and week long sleepovers and
summer dresses and worn out boots
and accident prone vacations and
themed birthday parties and forgetfulness
and gerbera daisies and singing too loudly
and too off key and GOOD mistakes and
better memories
you are constellations and sea glass and colliding galaxies
and sometimes the calander turns
like a lottery and once in a blue moon
you can find a girl with fractured
sapphires in her irises and a heart too
big for her ribcage and a spine as strong
as a lightning bolt
so thank you january twenty sixth,
for michele.
Stop talking

Stop crying whispers into beer glasses between the rasping grasp of other voices
of stars already fading out of memory

feeling eyes that don't exist resting on the backs of people that you have never been and so have no need to try
if badly to regurgitate a version of a day that is to much like the last to strangers that care less for the smell of your cheap cologne then I do

Please stop

Filling these peaceful moment stolen from amidst the rushing sound of air that chases blindly after trains it has ever yet to catch
Leaving it along with you to wait at platforms that are far to crowded
even when they are mostly empty of other people more frightened of what happens when there is nothing left to say then you are

Just leave

Until you can tell me the meaning written in between the rhythmic movements of the fish within the pond
Sleek bodies moving one beside the other like overlapping silver petals
tears drops shed into the water from the faceless willow tree

Until you like me no longer feel the need
to chatter endless and insistent in between the moments when nothing should be said at all
but instead just sit
in silence
Dear diary, can I tell you a story?
I tried last summer
Dear diary, can I add to that story?
I lied last summer.
Dear diary, can I finish that story?
I died last summer.
But to explain that further, let me tell you the whole story;
I lied last summer.
Your mouth spews out insults like a second nature,
polluting the room with your sickly sweetness and over made up frowns,
before we know it over-sized hoodies and baggy t-shirts,
line our wardrobes in a desperate attempt to make us invisible.
Teachers turn a blind eye and old friends start to forget us.
Before we know it, we’re keeping our hands down in class,
first of all because we don’t want to share our opinions,
but more importantly because no-one would even care.
In this 21st century hell,
we can only try and tread carefully around you,
because when we don’t, it’s worse.
When we don’t, we have to bear the sting as reality slaps us in the face leaving us feeling flustered and insane.
And before we know it,
we’ve forgotten what the heat of the sun feels like upon our bare skin,
because we hate the paranoia we feel,
just walking alone where you’re around.
And the rest of them, they just sit there and stare,
as though willing it away half-heartedly in their minds
could cause even a miniscule amount of difference,
while we,
the freaks,
the losers,
the broken records among a pristine collection,
we were all rotting away as you, like a rat, ate hungrily at our collective corpse.
Before we know it,
those bitter, barely customised whispers you send through the hallways
turn into a deafening ringing,
in our heads constantly
And so as the cool summer air blew through my hair,
red hot tear streaks fell like train tracks upon my pale, blotchy cheeks.
Time slipped through my fingers as weeping angels serenaded me,
eyes closed,
heart overdosed… on emotion,
a notion,
distortion
of devotion…
I fell in slow motion.
 Jan 2014 AP Beckstead 2014
R
when he pulls me close
i feel the weight on my back
f     l            y                             away
and i feel his heartbeat,
which always makes everything
so much better.

if he is the light
then i am the dark
and we need each other
just as fire and ice do
and the sun and flowers
and a child with toys.

his blue eyes give me hope
and i see the way they gleam at me
and the smirk on his face
really pulls me under,
is this normal?

nothing with me is ever normal
but if he maybe felt just as
much as i did,
i could get rid of this stupid smile he
always puts on my face and
we could talk about it over tea?

if he is a love god,
then i am the love dud.
let him give me the love i ever so need
and then maybe life would be
okay again.
 Jan 2014 AP Beckstead 2014
Laura
i laugh and take a sip of air
the taste of my blood has a ting of iron
the snows starting to stain a passionate red, and so are my lips
i manage to get on my back, and make out the sky
its the only thing that isn't red
1,2
i reach for the park bench to my left and i ***** underneath it, twice
under my breathe i whisper “keep pushing” to the patch of grass beside me
i admire its determination through a rough winter, i think i hear it say “hold in there”
3,4
to my left i see black, but its a blue kind of black, a nice change from accustomed red
i soon make out the figure, i look up at the sky again, i don't want to be seen like this
then their feet quicken, and i manage to calm my breathing as the steam from their mouth escapes them, glistening in the air
5,6
i repeat the words “keep pushing” in my head, as stable arms take my weight
over his shoulder i see the patch of grass, i wave goodbye, ill see you again soon old friend
he smells like sugar, i whisper to him “im sorry”, his shirt used to be white
7,8
i tighten his neck and manage to gain sight of the distance
i close my eyes for only a second and wake up in my bed, new sheets
i whisper hello, but get no reply, probably for the best, i wouldn't want to wake my parents
9, 10
i wake up around 6am to the sound of gusting wind, goodbye friend i think to myself
beside me i find a glass of water and a single advil, i reach to grab the water, and a note falls out
it reads: “this is the last time laura”
i laugh and take a sip of water.
these troubled thoughts
this collection of disquiets
like dry bones gathering dust
their lifeless forms encrusted with
the fine thin black ink
her diary of desperate longings
written on each bone like magic runes
like roadmaps to dark kingdoms

she keeps the bones
in a wooden box behind the concreate wall
with burning incense
to mask the smell of fear
unfounded in these the enlightened years
but illustrated neatly in comic book fashion
by her masked superhero natural appearances
just that little somthing dangerouse in the
steel glint of her grey eyes

these troubled thoughts
are loud in my mind
broadcast to all who are not too blind to see
like the garish sound of transistor radio
just off a station of cheap music
these dark feelings run like knives down my spine
the seep into my own bones
which are also handwritten chapters
of her diary of self deceptions and denials

i manufacture a vehicle of escapism
in the words i tap out on my kindle
but it rings hollow in the face
of her beautiful decay
of her own disquiet tears
unable to shake free of these dark feelings
i throw the dry bones in the sea
and listen as she demands that i drown the
remainder of my unkind words with them
we finally stand hand in hand
at the edge of the world
watching the dry bones sail
into the crisp dawn
like a sailboat making for spain
Black holes in the human psyche –
Depression in the laughing space –
Hopelessness amongst us rising,
Shadows illustrate disgrace.
All we’ve put our faith in fails us:
Reason brings its power of war,
Unity of hearts eludes, thus
Severed isolates we are.

Most of western humankind
These days prefers the company
Of dogs or cats to people bonds.
They do not bite.  Well, not many.
If nothing else this observation
Clarifies the entropy
Of this rational thing called reason.
When, of such, shall we be free?

One tenth of the human brain power
Is the maximum we use
If we are to credit science.
“What if…”  What is our excuse?
We can wonder what if we had
All the other nine tenths  too.
Would we not be chuckling, die-hard,
“Just Neil Armstrong on the moon?”

Where would lie the great credential
If a man could understand
How to implement potential
Past this morbid limit land.
P’rhaps we’d learn to live together.
War would now no longer rule.
No starvation, lonely fever,
Intimacy no more a duel.

Man has known, since history
Began to make its mark on time,
Of the other world of spirit.
Some are terror, One sublime.
One there was, who visited
This planet in the days of yore,
Astounding elders with His wisdom
At the age of twelve – no more.

He grew on, no less inspiring
Thousands with His repartee.
Everywhere He went they’re gathering
Immeasurable compassion He.
Miracles his feet accompanied.
Where He trod served love profound.
Yet His voice sliced through the need
To self-promote with loud resound.

What had He that every other
Man throughout the history
Of humankind could find no brother
Quite like this?  Who could He be?
People fight, Him to discredit.
“No man could perform like this.
**** Him off.  We’ll simply edit
Him from all our histories.”

So they did.  Or so they thought to.
But the grave could not defeat
This super human. Think we have to.
Human brain is now complete.
Jesus had the Spirit intact -
Mind and Truth now entertwined.
Change to holy human impact.
This is HOW WE WERE DESIGNED!

If we ask He gives His Spirit.
We can entertain His heart
Overflowing with the wisdom
That the Spirit can impart.
Yes we too can yet experience
Life in full 100%.
Well, nearly.  Falling short of holy
Puts a smudge on every sense.

He empowers with His Spirit
Settled in a human heart,
Livening up the old grey matter
So it works in every part.
Exchange misery for gladness,
Shadows for a radiant light,
Thrown those lies out with the garbage
And the long depressive night.
I'm seeing so many poems about depression, misery, suicide on this site.  Believe me I understand this scenario but there is a way to deal effectively with it.  My destiny is not depression, or the black dog, but the Light of Life.
As light grows brighter and journeys call
Remember the voice that whispered it all
Wisdom of words, reason of voice
Devoted by true love, never by choice

As sun rises, yearning buds bloom
Be patient, her caress will groom
A soul to stand through winds of strife
And bestow to us a better life

As sun sets, shadows loom
Stay keen for darkness soon
Will take by hand, a withered stem
and forever place it in a far away land

At journeys end, night will fall
Only a lingering fragrance to remind us all
Wisdom of words, reason of voice
Devoted by true love, never by choice
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