I remember making fun because "jo" was a boys name and I didn't apologize until there were tears in your eyes
I remember your long curly blonde hair and your crooked teeth
The baby fat on your face
The freckles across your nose
I remember you better than I remember him
We were only eight or nine
Falling in line
One After the other

But I've fallen in love with you over the years,
Thinking of you tenderly only when it hurts the most
And I desperately hope you're okay
(Or at least as okay as I claim to be)

It's easy to fall back into old habits
Old dim places that are all too familiar
Might not be where you wanted to be
May have lost a lot of pages
But it's warm here in the dark
-
Waking up has never been easy
Especially when you're already conscious
Knowing what needs to be done has always been easy
I just can't remember how to start
-
Three different notebooks
Right now they just make me feel bad
But maybe with consistent record
I'll find the patterns and save myself faster
-
I want to help the me I'll become
I've stuck up for myself when I normally wouldn't
I'm going somewhere, someday, somehow
Thirty steps forward, ten steps back

reliving traumatic experience through other's similar experiences isn't a great way to numb my own triggers but every once in a while I seem to give it a good try
-
lying to others about the severity of my experiences isn't a great way to numb my own triggers but I seem to give it a good try
-
getting high every night and drunk almost every other night isn't a great way to numb my own triggers but I seem to give it a good try
-
flipping my life upside down and dealing with multiple changes at once isn't a great way to numb my own triggers but I seem to give it a good try
-
staying in bed all day watching TV and movies I don't really like isn't a great way to numb my own triggers but I seem to give it a good try
-
But at least I'm trying

becoming so in tune with my emotions feels like a mistake

I wish I could take it back and learn how to fall asleep sober

how do you learn yourself after years
of ignoring what that could be
chasing after dreams of potential popularity
so you write down your incomplete thoughts
as a means to get to know yourself

can't act like a person you don't know
unless you start trying

bind my wrists in silk
tenderly tie me up
sweetly sharpen your knives
and don't hold your tongue

tell me you like me
tell me you see me
for who I am
and who I was meant to be.
gently create cuts in my skin,
and get to know what's inside

A longing for the places I've never been
And a longing for the unknown
Because maybe it's better than this
Perpetual cycles and lists
To Do lists
Grocery lists
Lists of symptoms for my therapist
since I seem so happy in our sessions
Thanks, I'm dissociating
And I have no sense of self

I want to run
I want to leave
I want to scream

I'm just too young