Just because you're comfortable doesn't mean you're safe
Although you keep quiet more people want to know your name
But all they want to do is know
they don't care to learn how it feels coming out of the curl of a lover's mouth
they don't care how it was turned against you when you were smaller
And how you made yourself smaller and smaller trying to disappear forever until you realized it only made people see you more and more

They want to know your sins
They want to know your signs
The number on the scale
The color of your *******
What your tongue feels like
Information without emotion
Emotion without care
Care without depth
Depth without water
But you're thirsty, so so thirsty

So you drink
Drink until you're comfortable
And you let out more words than you mean
And you *****.

the back of my throat scratches as a smile is forced deep into the muscles on my face, taking along with it ounces of the strength I have left

It's draining, it really is,
watching the spiral of water go down the drain, stained by my hair dye, reminiscent of what used to be

Days used to be easier than they are now, but they also used to be harder

Time passes anyway.

who knows if you're still looking
who really cares?
I've written multiple messages I've never sent
and I never will send them.

I will probably never talk to you again.

I spent so long being bitter over the words and actions you gave that hurt me that bruised me and left me distrustful and angry

but honestly

I was the one who allowed you to walk all over me
I was the one who let you come inside, decorate me the way you felt I should be

I was the one who let you use me.

I was your muse,
I was your lover,
I was your project,
I was your excuse.

And that's okay.

I don't like you.
I never liked you.
I didn't like you when you started dating my best friend because you had a ****** sense of humor and she deserved better.
I didn't like you when you hit on me despite dating my best friend, and when you told her all the things you thought I was better at than her (despite her being just as great if not greater than me!)
I didn't like you when she finally left you.
I didn't like you when you used every manipulation tactic you could think of trying to get her back.
I didn't like you when in your resulting depression you told me you loved me.
I didn't like you when you stalked my blog.
I didn't like you when you seemingly gave up and deleted your own.
I didn't like you when you created a new one and decided to message me.
I didn't like you when I responded. I didn't know who you were, and when I found out I stopped.
I didn't like you when you attempted to readd me on social media despite me deleting you.
I didn't like you when you decided to send me Snapchats although I didn't accept your request.
I didn't like you when you decided to tell me you loved me again.

If you're wondering why you can't see any of my **** online anymore, this is why.

I want to like everybody.
the cashier, the man with his dog, a woman
crossing the street
my coworkers, my interactions

and yet despite trying my hardest there are just a few who leave a sour taste in my mouth
some just don't leave an impression
I've tried and tried and tried
but it ***** the energy out of me faster than they'd notice a sliver of effort, difference

I'm tired! I've slept eight hours and I'm still tired!
my body aches and my muscles tighten
Trying to be the best, kindest, most generous I can be
Treating others the way I want to be treated
And getting walked over like a stone gravel path
unnoticed, unappreciated
and with every step my heart breaks
But I don't want to close myself
I don't want to build up walls of brick, stone, metal
I don't want to stop loving and trying for the ones that are hard
Because what does that make me?

your voice was as toxic as poison
and as alluring as a new song
trapped in your cycles
I found myself

I broke out, I broke free
I'm healthier than I could ever wish to be
I threw myself into school, work
I'm making new friends

I smoke a lot more, sure
but that's not the worst it could be
I haven't lost any weight
and I'm saving my money, see

So leave me be! Leave me alone!
Your toxins don't deserve my mind

where did you sleep last night?
in your own bed or the arms of another
trapped facing the corner
screams running through your mind

it's easy to do and it happens to the best
over and over and over
the emotions running over your chest
each a new kind of noise echoing
in your ears? in your soul
in your being through and through

your pale face, unrecognizable
Distraught
your mouth forms the words but they won't come out
You killed him! you killed him! you killed him!
blood on your hands, streaks on your face
Who? Who was he?
a young boy, no more than three
innocence, a feeling,
Where? Where is he?
I scream and I scream and I scream

and no sound comes out,