pale yellow, for the dreams
for when I wake up screaming
yet can't remember in the morning

for when I wake up scared
but don't know why

for when I toss and turn,
to write the reasons for every motion.

baby pink, for the thoughts
for when I order something extra
in the drive thru

for when I chew gum instead of a meal,
or convince myself a glass of water is enough

for when I eat nuts or crackers
and convince myself that the substance is better than nothing
.
and yet their pages are blank.

today I had a bad day, filled with anger and tears
and I still feel the same emotions
I know their causes, meanings
and yet:
Numbers don't matter
I don't want to die

not anymore

you travel alone sometimes, to distant stars, to the distant future
you go where you're needed but not where you're wanted
delicately walking, your presence undisturbing of the dirt below you

you make the greatest impact to yourself only
an observer, a thinker
trying to make things slightly brighter

I'm scared to be alone sometimes, and selfish too
I go where I'm wanted but not where I'm needed
and I pick blossoms off of trees and put them in my hair
and I leave footprints in the mud

your need to be alone is fascinating, taking in sights, colors, sounds, smells,
with no one to share it with

I admire your strength and willpower, you admire my desires and the flowers in my hair

I hope once you reach new lands, where the ground is softer and the trees glisten in the light of their star,
you think to yourself,

"she would like it here."

a last resort, or the first
it's become blurred
probably not the worst
but not so great either

just one of the paths to feel more human
to feel comfortable in my skin
to stop the constant attack
and hide the pain within

subtle yet strong
stronger with others
the more numbing the better
ingrained ideals from mothers'
perspective, but not what she wanted
for me

I scream into the trees,
"I want to leave!"

and they whisper, through the voice of the wind,
you can't,
you can't,
You can't.

the best way to tell when you're in love is to look up at the vastness of the stars and think of the things tying you to the earth.

the force of gravity, sure, if we're being technical, but what is keeping your soul here?

your movie rental late fees and your brakes squeaking and the bruises on your legs seem like nothing compared to your innermost desires projected on the cold night sky

and when I looked up, I thought of you holding my hand.

I think about you most often in the early morning, right after a dream
The sun beaming through my curtains, bright and sharp

I am at peace.