I don't go out as often as before
Tired of the questions asking
where you are
What went wrong

The same robotic response on my end;
things just didn't work out.
Couldn't work out is more like it.
& then the empty apologies & the non comforting cliche "it's for the best" because they want to say something helpful but quickly realize they're making it worse. the anguish in my eyes is so obvious; even while fabricating a smile across my lips.
I've never been good at pretending.
It's obvious they feel embarrassed for asking & now they begin to stumble over words while looking for an excuse to cut the conversation short. Nobody likes to talk to a dead person. Small talk ends with "I'm always here if you need anything at all" Which translates to "you won't hear from me again".

I stray clear of social media because it's become apparent that Satan runs Facebook & although the torturous track down memory lane sounds about as fun as kidney stones, I oddly enough would not like to see these "memories" from 2 years ago; honestly I'd rather gargle broken glass but I appreciate the gesture.

I avoid certain stores, foods, songs, & even take longer routes to work just in an attempt not to stumble upon old reminders of us.
Even though I could never go anywhere or do anything ever again & you'd still haunt my every thought. Your parasitic implant seems to have no end.

You inhabit my dreams. Like a puppeteer, you manipulate the strings of my mind & force me to act out the nightmares you caused me to live in that I've worked to escape for so long. My conscious is strong, my subconscious  on the other hand could use some work. Memories I've suppressed so deep; you find, & you bring them right back to the surface & it's as if I never left. Paralyzed in a deep sleep I can feel your hands around my throat & hear you screaming through clenched teeth that I didn't love you. Oh the irony in that will never cease to amaze me. I even got a hint of your smell, how mesmerizing & revolting at the same time. But this time I'm watching it AND living it, but can't do anything to stop it. I woke up to discover fresh bruises that morning. How do you do that?

Every time I pray to God your name finds its way into the conversation...
We don't talk as much as we use to.

I spent my time drowning myself in cheap bourbon liquor.
Just to escape the memories of us.
But it always seemed to have me stumbling back to you in a drunk stupor.

How sickening it is
To seek comfort in the very thing that's hurting you
How revolting it is
To allow the same lips that ridiculed & disrespected you, to press themselves against your own with a muttered "I'm sorry".
How pukening it is
That that was enough to "undo" all the bad, at least temporarily.
How disgusting it is
To sacrifice your time, happiness, and sanity for somebody that wouldn't even **** on you if you were on fire.
How repulsive it is
To beg somebody to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
How monstrous it is
To have fingers apologetically trace over your bruises, cuts & scars.. that were the exact fingers who put them there.
& how coincidentally comical it is
that I've allowed this to be my "normal" for so long.

I can still taste you on my lips
I can still feel you on my skin
I can still smell your scent, it lingers on the t shirt I sleep in at night.
I can still hear the words "I don't love you anymore"
I can still feel your hands around my throat
I can still feel my chest tighten up from not being able to breath
I can still feel your fist against my face
I can still picture you screaming through gritted teeth how you want me out of your life
I can still feel my heart breaking hearing those words from the same mouth that use to beg me to never leave
I can still feel my back against the wall
I can still feel my face against the ground
I can still feel the tears roll down my face
I can still hear the door slam from when you left
& With all of these feelings, I still feel empty...

Daily ritual of waking up to check
Twitter
Facebook
Snapchat
Just to see if you're awake...
To see if you have been on your phone and still chosen not to contact me
Or even as much as read my messages..
Your read reciepts are still on ya know.

Again
Twitter
Facebook
Snapchat
Just to see what pictures you thought were worthy to post
Or what song lyric you felt possessed to type..
All while remaining unable to even send me a simple "hello"

Yet again,
Twitter
Facebook
Snapchat
I drive myself mad with this throughout the day
Just waiting...
hoping..
That I will cross your mind
That you will have a change of heart & decide to give me a piece of your time
But until then.. I will continue my daily ritual

Twitter
Facebook
Snapchat
Slowly but surely destroying myself with each & every click...

I tried
To fix you
To repair your heart
To mend your soul
I tried
To take the place of everybody who left you
Of everybody who made you feel alone
I tried
But all that did...
Was break my own heart
Destroy my own soul
I focused all of my time on you & ignored people who cared about me
So now I'm alone
But just know...
That I tried
I promise I did
But some people don't want to be fixed
Some people don't want to be helped
& if you spend your life trying to help the unhelpable
All you do is end up broken, lost & alone
But even still,
I tried.
But now, I'm tired
The same letters.. But a new meaning
I'm TIRED of being the only one trying
I'm tired of sacrificing my own happiness for another's
I'm tired of being on the back burner
Only appreciated at your convenience
I'm tired of being second to everything else
I'm just tired...

"It's for the best"
Everybody says
But that doesn't make it hurt any less
How is losing the other half of you for the best
"It's his loss,really"
Then why do I feel like I'm the one who has lost?
"He'll miss you"
Missing me & being with me aren't the same thing..
"You too good for him anyways"
Then why do I feel so low?
"Just go out and have a good time to take your mind off of him"
How am I supposed to do that when everything in the world reminds me of him
Literally everything.
Everybody tries to say the right things.
But I'm not thinking with my head.
So I don't listen..
I'm thinking with my heart
My heart can't hear you.
It feels what it feels.
You can't talk your heart out of things.
It doesn't listen.