You keep to yourself
You don't let anything out
You let few people in
Your trust is a gift; close to no one receives
I had it once
I heard your deepest thoughts
Your darkest secrets
Those not even your best friend knew
I cherished every word
From the anxiety, to your God complex
I remember it all
But now, I don't even hear your greeting
Where did you go?
Please, say something.

I will never regret holding your hand
How can I regret something I once wanted so bad
And if you think the broken memories and promises are collateral damage then you are wrong
I never asked you for love poems or songs
All I wanted was to hold your hand and when I did it felt like thousands of tiny sun splashes were dancing in my eyes my lips and oh my god my thighs
I will never regret because regret in this case is weak
It would defy and soil the what seemed like a bright future
Yes I do not regret but that does not mean the fights were something I looked forward to
The Godzilla like monster I turned into every time you would crawl under my skin because you knew oh you knew
You knew that I liked tea with milk and if you step on my foot I will have to step on yours
You knew too much and yet nothing at all because that’s what it was supposed to be
We would go on yelling sprees over specks of dust
But in everything we did there was a lingering presence of lust and with that always an element of mistrust
It would gnaw on my nerves and rip out cords of my patience
The necessity to repeat, repeat, repeat the conversations made them looooong and tedious
And somehow we didn’t notice how it became so serious
And when we became ignorant we started to fade
Slowly but surly we obeyed the laws of disappearing
One missed call, two unread text messages, three kisses from a stranger
And just like that you disappear.

but the truth is
i never wanted to be alone

i just wanted to get away
from those who don't understand
whatever the hell is going on
inside of my soul

because there's so much conflict
and thoughts wrestling inside
of my brain;

i don't need to be around someone
who doesn't understand it

so, i guess, i chose solitude
if you can even really call it that

i'm stuck in a cage made out of
my own fears
whether they be fiction or real

(who knows the difference
between them nowadays
anyway?)

and now i'm just learning to try again
because all i've been doing is
giving up on myself and everyone else.

I think I'm gonna leave your memory in paradise
No use trying to bring that hammock into this city life
There isn't a beach to wash our worries away
Even if I just want to see you again for one more day

Masochistic heart why won't you just relent
Quit putting yourself through all this torment
Remember the palm trees, the summer breeze,
The actions void of any regret, Be happy we even met

Along this road life seems to pass each of us by
But your memory will never be tarnished if kept in paradise

If I could put to words
what this year was,
I would say--
****.

**** this ******* year.

Thirteen years into
the second millenium,
was as unlucky as the number
said it would be.

This year was about
being on my own,
being sad,
being alone.

Yet I found,
poetry, and that death
could never be the answer
to questions I'd rather not ask.

I found friends
in people halfway
across the whole
world.

Love from the people
of my kind--
poets--
who loved and despaired.

This year was not
the one I would remember;
because new beginnings
are often disguised
as painful endings.

So here is to
my new beginning.