I was 23 the last time I cut into milky white flesh
Just below the pelvic bone
Hushed screams under shallow curtains of air and water
Deliver me
I'm awake
So awake
Coercing the wind to carry me
Forcing lucid dreams
Slowly choking up flem
In awe of flesh like textures that touch the mouth
Lips teeth tongue

Why do we carry these things within  us
We'll be better tomorrow
I swear

When my body was miniature, she pressed thumb and forefinger on oak shaped cats tounge.
Grandpa beckoned me to the next limb.
"When you can see their eyes, you know they're ready."

This wasn't meant for you.
Leave my house.
The man didn't close the gate.
He just entered and didn't want to leave.
It was a wrong connection.
I didn't want you. And now everyone is here like they can be.
You're still here like you can be.
Frantically preserving what's mine.
You dissolve into a shadowy nothing. And you're gone. But I'm already upset.
And now grandma is telling me it's gunna cost me 1 million to fix my front deck. I tell her I think it's fine the way it is, she visibly, passively, dissagrees.

It's intimidating, being in a room where everyone has the same hands.

I pressed my body hard against the tree, trying to suffocate it's sadness. Memories, the past, future all came rushing out of the **** on its trunk. I'd picked the scab too much. I was holding an infant, brown curls and a matching cut on the top of his forearm. I was holding my father.

I feel like it should have been more obvious to me, but either way, I woke up how I was intended to.
There is no escaping this weight
Everything seemed to be existing in shades of blue and green, with edges of pink sickness.
I watched her try to be happy
In turn, that wound me up like some demented jack in a box
I sipped soup out of a bowl with soaking shirts in it
Admired the new growth on my plant, picking off the dead things.
My dads belly and words were so full, I could smell the sickly sweet promises that came dripping out of his mouth.
His mouth was moving so fast, so wide, and so open; full of nice teeth.
It made me want to die
Really though, it made me want to fade away
Softly though
Into the grains of the hardwood floor

Such a pretty page.











Full of such secret rage.