Waking up in taxi cabs
with knotted fingers and
black lungs ash under my
nails “where the **** am
I going”
“I am taking you home”
But the streets are brown
and covered in puddles and I can't
see anything except my own
reflection in the window
I feel like I am drowning in
clocks that tell all the wrong
times and he told me I'm here,
but this isn't my house
“get the **** out”
now the car is polluting away
and I'm walking down foreign
streets with no idea where to
go my phone is dead just
like your ghost in my bed
“what does this mean?”
I wish I knew, but my mind
is terrifying with nightmare
creatures oh my god I wish you
knew I just don't know what
to do

oh
      *no

frayed edges of the putrid words
spewing out of your mouth
droplets of spit spotting my face
burning acid holes in my cheeks
i'm bathing in a tub of radioactive filth
and your angles tangle in the drain along with
the hair and the dirt
but i still love you

chalkboard dreams
the chalky dust coughing out of my lungs
forming words in the air that
I can not comprehend, but you
rearranged the letters
like magnets on a refrigerator
picking apart my insides
staples stuck in the skin of your lover
all I asked from you was an answer
but you gave me more questions

the curtains in this room are shut
but there is sunlight spilling out from under
and around them
it’s like the world
wants me as much as
I wish I wanted it

the last time we spoke I
forgot to use vowels
and i blamed it on
bad reception,
but it was really just me
your words live
with the dust particles
floating in
negative space -
I breathe you in,
but don’t notice

i decide to keep the curtains closed
at least for today
it’s the only thing i can do
to keep your ghost away

we drove through vacant parking lots trying to recover our lost luggage

the moon reflected off the gray asphalt making the *** holes look like craters

and your voice stung my skin when it broke the silence

because the interior has been worn down by all my angles

I was drowning in all the things I couldn’t say

for a second i felt greedy because

here I was choking in an ocean of thoughts

and there you were parched, searching for anything

any word at all

if this is what the surface of the moon feels like-

streetlights glowing on my hands, making a kaleidascope

of patterns and shapes-

then I still would never want to go

if it meant draining your bones until they are brittle

until they are nothing but dust piled in my hands

I am thinking, like always
No filters or analyizing
Pure, raw, thoughts
Dancing together around a bonfire
The embers popping
and the smoke stings
But I am happy
And my mind is evidence
I'm thinking with no restrictions
And I know you are to blame
I am feeling orange today
Because I woke up before
My alarm; 7:05
And my mind is lighting
Sparklers because its the 4th of July
Even though it's November
Because right now
I am free

i told you i loved you
my voice faltered in the absence of light
the words fell out of my mouth
ungraceful and ugly as ever
it is no wonder your touch went cold
the silence you chose not to sever
your reply was infested with mold
the distance grew and my chest sunk
"that's sweet of you, but i'm just too drunk"
and in that moment i knew
that i was wrong, i do not love you
not at all

i wrote you a 4 page letter,
but I sealed it away in two envelopes
and a roll of tape
because once you read those words
you can not unread them
and you are already so
upset - I do not dare lay
this upon your shoulders.
I wrote you a 4 page letter,
but none of the sentences came out right
All I really wanted to say was
"I love you, please remember me,
do not leave,
it’s not that I want you to be with me
it’s just I don’t want you to be with anyone else”
and it took me 4 pages to say it.
I wrote you a 4 page letter,
but then i saw tears struggling down your cheeks
the suns light reflecting off of them
and i will not make it worse
so I folded it in two envelopes
and one roll of tape
and I shoved it in my
3rd dresser drawer down.
I wrote you a 4 page letter,
but you’ll never see it.
On the second page it says,
" I just want you to be happy"
So I shoved it in my 3rd dresser drawer down.
I can already feel the regret in my blood,
burning red hot
while I watch you go.

the other day a well respected friend of mine
asked me why i smoked cigarettes
as i was sparking up to light one

i was slightly taken aback by this question
and i never really thought about why
so my immediate response was,
"it’s just something to fill my time with",

but upon further introspection
i realized i smoked because
it was a slow suicide
not abrupt,
but long and drawn out

and i am too afraid to **** myself
quickly

Today my hands are purple.
I quit my job.
I gave a tattoo to a friend.
I was driving home through the night,
and thought about driving
straight off the road and into a tree.
I almost did,
I’m not sure if I’m glad I didn’t.

you are a faceless ghost
living in the marrow of my bones
and sometimes
i feel
like you are sitting
right behind me
but there is no one there
when i turn around

i wish you were there when
i turn around
so then
maybe i could justify
that lingering
sensation
on my fingertips

and why i feel
so connected
to the
emptiness in my bed
(and why I whole heartily
believe you
should
fill it)

This book will be filled with the
faces of those who are only
kept alive through my incompetent
words and futile thoughts

Your body is in my mental coma
and I think it’s about time
I pull the plug

/

No words can encompass
the amount of love
flowing from my fingertips

But it is wasted
and filling up the cracks
in the sidewalk

Strangers will trample
my misplaced intentions
and how can I ever be okay
with only seeing you behind
2 inches of museum glass?

you asked me to explain to you why it is this way
and i trudged through swamps and fought my way through damp jungles
to find this poisonous answer
but I all seemed to discover were the delicate scars dancing up my arms
and the reasons for why I should've just locked you away

you knew the answer all along
it has been hiding with the dirt underneath your fingernails
fabricated throughout the fibers in your bones
shame on me for gazing into your eyes;
seeing vapid intentions, but expecting fertility

i had a dream i was drowning in a pool of black and white
you shone flashlights on me expecting the light to somehow
diminish this infinite night
you stood there, watching my veins overflow
with a lack of oxygen
just as if I were putting on a show

that is not too far from reality
apply the inverse property
calculate it, the answer is actuality
your heart is a machine
and your brain is a pump
it doesn't take the geometric mean
to figure out you were just a speed bump

i warned you about my habit of hating
people are insidious creatures dedicated to breaking
and maybe you should of thought of that before we were dating
then maybe my love for you i would not be forsaking

i opened up to you, you saw all the bruises
the blues, blacks, and reds formed a painting inside
you picked me apart and thought of excuses
but its clear to me i came second to your pride

I'm not an object you can use then dispose
Im a ******* human being
and if you still don't understand that let me propose -
I'm the rose and you're the thorn
you aren't good for my wellbeing

call me bitter and everything in-between
but at least I know what it means to feel
this isn't a play stop putting up a scene
we can all see through your egotistical ordeal

i guess i'm just trying to say
you burnt me to the ground
threw what we had away
but life will grow from ashes, the dust is not bound
and lighting things on fire
that's just child's play
you threw what we had away

There is a plastic wrap  cover
Laying over my eyes
Keeping me from my lover
Because all I see are lies

I am afraid to be close
Because when it is time to go
We will separate like velcro
The ripping noise almost unbearable

Should I run away before you do
Split before you go
I'm tired of this constant black and white
Monochromatic sludge

dusty books are keeping secrets
and their leather bound skin
smells of that time in the summer
when i stood over the dam
contemplating

pages crisp like rice paper
the ink inside smears
because i no longer have
the words to say

it took me 7 cigarettes and two cups of the blackest coffee to get over the fact that
2 months ago you ****** my best friend,
but I assured you I was,
am, not mad.
If anything I was happy
that you could finally say it.

I am regressing back to old habits that I thought I broke
and my Dad told me to say my prayers,
but I am too scared to tell him I gave that up
Everything seems foreign to me and
I can't sleep without my door locked.

You took a drag of your cigarette
a drag so long i got rug burns
on my eyes
you could have sunken a ship
with the way you burnt
your lungs and I feel so bad
for you.

the embers were blazing
reflections in your eyes
tired in from all the worrying
my fingers are stained black
and there are needle ******
all over my body
ash and the stingy
linger from past words
floating in front of your face
like a ghost that you can't quite see
but he ****** my friend
and i ****** him
and he ****** me up

there is nothing in my bones
there is nothing left for you
i threw out all of the leftovers
it all went bad
the refrigerator is empty
besides for beer and dog food
so i shut the door and go to bed
but somehow i still feel like i ate too much
i hunch over the toilet
and throw it all up
the cards are all out on the table
and i was dealt the perfect hand
but i missed my opportunity to win

I'm not even sad anymore
I'm just ******* angry
a house built on hot coals
its bound to burn down
god i wish i was sad
(or dead)
this is too destructive
and we don't have the money
to rebuild it all

You can sit there, complacent
Erroneously analyzing the situation
Going over every detail in your head
Vacuously idle inside yourself

You can remain ignorant
Making sure to reside within your provincial conversation
Cautiously tip toeing past anything and everything
That would add substance to your existence

Or you can allow reality to elicit itself
Revealing the raw and dangerous truth
Shattering all predetermined assumptions
Leaving only a disappointing version

Of what you want to be
Who you are
And where you are going
But this decrease in ego

Would add an abundance of experience
To your soul
To your life
Release all restrictions

And be free

I’m sitting in my room lights out window open
its raining so my pillow is wet
but I don’t think its from the rain
and there are clothes thrown around my room
it looks like something a ghost would do to make contact with the living but these are my clothes and I made this mess so I scream
“WHY AM I HAUNTING MYSELF"
into the walls and they just silently stare,
they know why - I guess I know too,
but I’ll never admit that I do

So here I am speaking tongues alone in my room and you are out shaking hands with the faces I have met once before

forgive me if I do not want the hear the details

eyes heavy like the shackles clasp around his wrists
weighing down my mentality without remorse
exhausting agendas exist and persists
your raw hands, empty with divorce

you told me between book shelves
how the paper reminds you of two summers ago
we now know we were destroying ourselves
ever since the first hello

The burs were hanging in trees
Like small suicides, ***** of pathetic waste
And I cried because I no longer owned my body
There were chains clasped around my ankles
And attatched to the seedlings
children pluck
and blow away

And I cried because I am a ******* hypocrite
The way I judge you for obliterating yourself
Sacrificing your health to
A girl who does not care
When here I am kneeled over
The toilet
Sacrificing my health
In order to be skinny

Ribs are cracking under the weight of
Piano keys and rich words
Gluttonous demons whisper
Tales of good fortune
In my ears
When all I yearned for
Was to attend my own funeral
All I wanted was to tighten my knee caps
Remove the marrow in my bones
Rearrange synapses
And guts
Replace vital organs
With sand

I ordered a lobotomy for dinner last night
The savory cuts in my cranium
Tasted like chocolate
And I saw myself lying on
The cold slab of metal
Like I belonged there my whole entire life

But the worst part is
I continue to
Believe my worth is dependent on
How much of me does not exist

I keep lighting myself on fire
and watch as the wax
drips down my body
settling in a lumpy mound
beneath my feat

and

You keep lighting yourself on fire
Until you are nothing
But charred insides
And wasted potential
tortured by everything you were too afraid to do

there are bombs fused to each of your legs
and all you're waiting for
is for me to tell you
it's okay
for me to dust away the gun powder
but that is not my job
you are going to need to save yourself

you gave me your words
delicate and raw
overflowing with consonants and vowels
entwined with meaning that i can't quite decipher
listening so intently
with the mere purpose of saturating myself in your vast
ocean mind

thats how it always is though
you dive into someone expecting to float
but sometimes you sink to the bottom
the water filling your lungs
bubbling in-between what i want and what i receive
i don't mind drowning in you
i like the feeling

There are monsters in my head

And they plant poisonous seeds

That latch onto my inner core

Growing roots, so tight and unrelenting

And with every perishing breath I succumb to

The roots squeeze around my heart

As if their disgusting existence depended on

That evil task set before them

I have desperately turned to every source of happiness

I have ingested foreign substances in a

Pathetic attempt to banish these monsters

And their ****** poison seeds

But my options are rapidly crumbling

And the carcasses spite me as

The opposing force loots through

My once dominant empire

And in this moment I have realized

This infamous battle has taken sides with

The clenching roots, feeding them strength

So I raise my white flag and watch

As my insides are clawed at, ripped apart

And I suffer until my final breaths have

Promptly arrived and it is then and

Only then when these monsters peel their ungodly

Faces off that I come to find I am staring back into my own detached

Eyes, but it is too late to stop what I have done because my reality is

Slipping in and out of rationality

Until I am without a doubt vacant

And when the clock pronounces me finished

You will still smell my final moments

As I watch each and every mind replay

My descent with cold eyes and a

Gentle smile plastered with excuses like

The circumstances just weren’t right

*It’s no one’s fault but hers

The wrinkles in my hands
Map out dream constellations
Pathways to the locked off
Rusty cage
Which resides in the pit of
my chest like a cherry

Driving in your car
Speeding
Light is dancing over our skin
Licking your face and eyes
And the dark night sky sits
On top of us
But here we are and
I'm writing with no filter and it's not making much sense but
The night compliments your features
And I just want to tell you
How much
I really care
And I don't want to go home and I want to be driving with you forever
Because your scarf is soft and your voice tastes like sugar

Don't take me home
And when I cross my eyes
The lights and headlights are fuzzy
And my vision is skewed
But you are here and solid
Tangible
Nothing like those fuzzy lights

Dashed lines on the road
Make my heart sink because I know that it means we are going home
And I don't want to


I'm tired and want to fall asleep in your lungs

Driving in your car
skin cold from the synthetic air
pumping out the vents
your voice sounded like
a cave
and all of the demons
were crawling out of it

ears defying common sense
the boy who broke my heart
who made me this way
is now the newfound
piece to your collection
my heart feels so
deadly.

2 more months until you are gone
and for some reason
i am counting down the days
summer is just another season
one where i don't want you to stay

how can you ******* look me in the eye
when you knew the whole story
and expect me not to
**** everything between us

i dropped my phone and
the screen shattered
and i don't think I'm going
to fix it this time

I am having a terribly difficult
time writing poetry
because all my hands talk about
is you
tracing rib cages
with dried flowers
sap infused fingers
from 6 ft trees
but we climbed them
anyway
but not really
because we haven't
that doesn't mean we can't though
Is it possible to love someone you
never met
yes
because it's happening
the idea of you
makes me happy
despite what you say,
that is a necessary word,
so just imagine
what the tangible
you will do to me
God ******
we will
erase the laws of
physics when our atoms touch
thunderstorms will
be our love songs
and when we kiss
(i hope we kiss)
the sun will
eclipse into
a beautifully dim
day
like it was made for just us
**** the distance
**** me
let's go fall asleep
and dream about
chimney bricks and river rocks
and wake up
next to each other
*******
my hands won't shut up about you

Transaction of glancing eyes
God knows why yours chose mine
Lovers in another life
Buried in an ancient shrine

Across the room we pay our respects
To the possibilities the future holds
Lurking in sea ship wrecks
Lips so warm but blood so cold

History books, maps, and scrolls
Our past encrypted in every word
Breath entwined inside two souls
Valuable, broken, then cheaply sold

I.
i dont know how to be something that
you call home
and ive tried so hard
but everynight it rains
youre always sleeping
in someone elses bed

literally and figuratively

II.
im writing poetry for someone who
i have never met
i thought i was making love
with these words for you
but im not

III.
im still upset that you
cant see how bad this hurts
ill never admit it
because complaining fixes nothing
so what is it worth
i dont know why
it hurts this much anyway

IV.
but i have my mind
chained and *******
like some kind of beast
sometimes i miss when
people called me crazy

V.
being insane-
like an old friend
or love letters from your first
boyfriend in a box under your bed
i just want things to
be okay

VI.
the window pane is a friendly
reminder that i am allowed
to leave whenever
i wish
and these tired eyes
tell me that everything
will in fact
be okay

Ghosts of my mind
Shouts at                          me
through gritted teeth
Bloodshot eyes                   tomorrow
Will be better they said
/////
They also said
                 The sun revolved around the
Earth
What will they come up with next
                        Like
How
                                     I am
Going
                  Crazy?
Absolutely
insane
They said
/////
Meet me in the garden
              The bluebells whispering secrets to the bees
   Not again
                              Let the moon strangle you
               But just wait
For
Me

rope strung around each finger tied to the substances you have faithfully
pledged your existence to
but these knots and strings are pointless
when point b does not reciprocate with point a

you have devoted your emotions to a pseudo relationship
built upon the crumbling granules of sugar and all things sweet
but sweetness only gets you so far
before your teeth begin to rot

i have taken a butter knife to my collar bones
and sliced away at the sick residue left over
from all the attachments
the terms and conditions that i vacuously accepted

or maybe i just don't understand how you could call this happiness
tediously worshipping these obsessions
you're losing your sense of self
touch with reality and what really
is alive

I write until I have wrung out every drip
of a thought
until there is absolutely nothing left
to say
until even the driest deserts
seem prosperous in comparison

your face is stuck somewhere
in-between truth and
logical fallacy
I can not decide if you
were a dream
or something of substance

now my hands seem more
like mirror reflections
than of flesh and blood
I am afraid I have
written the life from
my veins

it’s 12:01

although it’s a new day

my thoughts are the same, the walls

are sweating

beading down and puddling in my hands

I want to dissect you,

Discover the folds and crevices of your guts

I want to fall in love

But all I ever seem to fall into

Are snake pits and

***** bath tubs

Snort my left over pencil shavings

And maybe then you will understand my words

Understand why you have

Left me so bitter

"i'm only saying this because I care" -
*******
                     He told me I don't pick up on social cues,
                     basically I am a glorified vegetable.

"you're so much better than that"
 * but I can not recall a time when I was...
                    
                     I'm no longer afraid of the dark.
                     I think it's because that's all I see.

plato's ******* cave

"stop being so rude. You make people uncomfortable"
                
                     *how can I stop when my eyes refuse to work
                     I just don't notice it.

                    {Am I not good enough?}
                     I thought things were going to be okay

                    all my friends hate me
                    all my friends are giant *****
                                                           ­             I need better friends

{Maybe it's them not me}

we sat on the boardwalk
pretending yesterday never happened
and the air smelled like dead fish

last night you kissed me
you were intoxicated and delusional
why are you pretending that you are now sober
why are you pretending that you
are no longer delusional

maybe it's all the **** fish
or maybe shakes and fries
remind you too much of
the girl who stole your soul
and broke all your ******* china

i'm just trying to help you polish your silver
and replace all your shattered porcelain
but apparently you like
walking on shards
and cutting your feet

you're getting blood
on the carpet

tiptoeing past the mossy graves you told me all the reasons
why this dewy day was lost in translation and how glass
was made by fusing sand
but thats never going to be tangible
unless that cigarette drag is smoother
and the billowing smoke stings my eyes
making them water and i will cry out for some
anonymous object to come and sanctify my chipping flesh
but your glare when you speak excavates the dirt
that permeates in the mausoleums in my heart
catacombs that hold all the secrets

12:00am
there are camera flashes going off inside me
capturing every emotion and feeling
because it is right this second
that i feel like i love you

12:02 am
i know we most likely will not last
but let me enjoy the hollywood red carpet moment
let the paparazzi dazzle me
because i think i love you

12:03 am
i know our time is limited
and sometimes i'm 1,000 miles away
but i'm here now
and i love you

I.
when i see your face it is almost
like i am staring through a
tinted car window
and whenever i think of you all
I see is a decaying brick wall
i was never able to pass through
and I have come to that breaking point
where I will never get
anywhere with you.
Forgive me for
completely abandoning you
pulling away
moving on
but understand you made me do it.

II.
You ****** me and expected me
not to fall in love.
When I told you I was falling,
you did not even bother to
say goodbye.
I have hated many people in my lifetime
for petty stupid reasons
I don't think  really hated them at all.
I have tried to mend our shortcomings
but I can not bring myself to respect
someone like you.
You threw me away
and left me at a concert
while holding my best friends hand.
Forgive me for
hating you
but understand you made me do it.

III.
The idea of you was enticing
I really thought I loved you,
but etched letters in trees
and sad songs were not
enough to make me stay.
i am sorry
I wish things were different
and I wish I was not
such a hypocrite.
Forgive me for hurting you
but understand that
you had nothing to do with this.

IV.
15 was too young to lose my innocence
Or to have it stolen from me
Justifying your actions
with my commitment
and total naiveness.
It has been so long since I was seen you
you're touch has faded
and voice is muddled.
I wonder
if you are the same
Forgive me for leaving you
But understand you made me do it.

i am a phantom
a shadow of my carcass from yesterday
I only exist in your perception of me
but truth be told
in the entirety of your whole ******* life
you failed to realize
that i am more than just a body
you don't just buy a shell
and expect it to eat and drink
you buy the turtle
who will wear the shell, and give it the
the life it needs to move

i have dreams of slicing open my skin
and rays of light ooze out of me instead of blood
my existence depends solely on
my concious
but your existence depends
on my perception of you
without me you would destruct
without you I would be nothing but a fold
in the fabric of space
an idea at best
but most likely an unknown
force that guides the wind through your hair

every moment is a paradox,
a contradiction
because what is the point
when all life really is
is prolonged death - romanticized

the answer can not be fabricated, or known
only pondered
and it is within the pondering,
that you realize this:

it's 3 in the ******* morning
i need sleep
and these words have endless meaning
but I'm never going to find an answer
and I'm craving a grilled cheese

‘Reality’ is an empty promise

A word manufactured and fitted

To address this infectious disease

Us humans call life

Because material items,

Deeply rooted beliefs,

And honest emotions,

Only exist within our heads

And if my perception were to be so askew

As to deem myself dead

Then I’m living in the 7th ring of hell

We are fragments of projected images

A wasteland for forgotten dreams,

Useless prototypes,

From the stars that shine in our imaginary minds

We are just fragments of a masterpiece

That we cannot even see

i want to liquify my body

into the fibers of my mattress

solidify your

presence

so i can wake up

in the summer time

with the taste

of your name

on my lips

and your

skin

on my skin

in the summertime

is when i will wake up

to your face

stale cardboard pizza boxes and
smoke ashy lungs are the most accurate
phrases to describe this summer
and i say that while laughing
to myself, home alone,
at the dining room table
but it really isn't funny
its ******* pathetic
and if you haven't noticed
I'm wearing all black again
and if you haven't noticed
i think i'm sad again

i just want some cigarettes
but i have no money
i just want to get away
but i have nowhere to go
and i just want to be okay
but I'm not
so i sit here writing out my
internal sadness onto paper
like it'll patch up the busted pipes
all it does is publish it front page
for all to see
this just in
i'm angry at the world
and no one cares
(why should they)

don't tell me its just teenage angst
or my hormonal emotions acting up
if i feel it then it is real
and if its real then why would you try
to tell me otherwise
because i have one hand on the trigger
and the other in my pants
or in your pants
or in this bag of chips
and its delicious

its like i just realized how ****** up
everything is
and i think id rather be rejected by the
opinions of man than
the natural order of the earth
so to hell with this place
and by this place i mean you
heres some rocks to fill your pockets
and ill watch as you walk into the river
just following everyone else
no second opinion
we are all afraid to speak

so i guess this is me speaking

poison seeping in my veins
because you only speak
when its convenient

burning lips
unspoken words
let's just let the night tear us apart
painting our insides black
your words are sticky like tar
empty in the pupils of your eye

I find it difficult to believe you mean well
when your pores secrete mud
and your body is a cold hard shell
of who you used to be

I am so tired of trying around people
Forcing myself to throw up these words
That hold no meaning

And it's like a plastic wrap shield
That completely suffocates me
Keeps everything in
Without letting anything in

I'm trying to break free
But I don't think I will ever
Escape my own skin

sitting here the air as dense as the tension between
our ongoing glances, but as hushed as we know we are
we are not
the piano notes strum your heartstrings and you say music
is your only escape from this worldly existence
but that is like saying dreaming is the only way
you can see the world
there is always a trap door waiting under your bare feet
all it takes is a little bit of intelligence
to open the locks
and i can not tell you how much this snags
at the threads of my being
but if you do not slow down
then i will jump out