The trouble with never sleeping is that you start to develop weird habits and because of my diagnosed anxiety disorder i am constantly paranoid that i will develop ocd and perhaps it will take over my life like mtv true life tells me it will. insomnia is crippling and demeaning because no one understands that i only remember what day it is because i have a ritual every morning at 3:47 am that i cross out yesterdays date and now it officially begins today. the demeaning part begins when someone asks me why im so tired and i have to explain to them that i dont remember what it feels like to sleep for more than 3 hours or i just say its been a long day because who has the time to listen me talk about my sleeping habits or lack there of. in fact, i dont even have the time to listen to myself talk about it even though i’ve had almost 76 hours straight to hear myself talk. i didnt always have insomnia, i think it welcomed itself when you left because i always used to sleep with you, in both meanings of the phrase. i was afraid of the dark so you bought me glow in the dark stars and stuck them onto your ceiling and wrote little love messages on them so when i couldnt sleep at night, i could watch the stars you made for me.

Not laying in your bed anymore caused a **** load of thoughts to come racing back to my head. i thought about the crickets who always stopped chirping at 2:38 am, i thought about how i could hear her mother's coffee maker gurgle from the kitchen even though i was 200 feet away and you always liked to snore in my ear. i thought about the way you painted your room a different color because you thought it made you more grown up. i thought about zipping the back of your dress up before a party almost 10 months ago. i thought about you leaving me to go overseas one day. i thought about the seas. i thought about a boat fighting its way through the ocean and wondering why it wasn't moving anywhere because the captain forgot to pull up the anchor. i thought about not being able to breathe because you're gone. although you're probably home asleep in your bed. you're not over seas. you're not under the seas.

Sometimes you don't need water to drown.

Strong vibrato
Mezzopiano
Your crescendo has me
Wavered
A rabbit in your headlights
Staccato
Fixated on vinyl love
(Asphyxiated)
So lucid your lips
Treble clef
Tremble clef
Tenor rumbles
Eyes/river overflow
Incessant whine
Of heartbeat(bass)
Languid pretty song.

White wash walls
White starch coats
Translucent skin/veins
Vision blinded by numbers
Personality sequence
My numbers
The label stapled across my eyelids
Like a chip for feeble shoulders to bear
A dash of this
A dab of that
Normalfunctionalproductive
Happy member of society
Girls stuffed with modelling clay
Feed me lye and cigarette ash
Replace my brain with silicone
Paint cherry red lips
And tell me to be unique.

As I step through the door
Of my office - Doughnuts Galore
Mildred from behind the counter nods her head at me

I come here every day for a few
Jelly doughnuts and nasty brew
Looking for the perfect job that keeps eluding me

I again pick up the daily rag
Scouring the classified ads
Hoping to find something interesting I see

My bladder lets lose
At the greatest of news
In Black and White Bold Type face do I read

Wanted lead guitarist in
An up and coming Air Rock Band
Mildred comes and picks me up off the floor

I went and applied for the job
And with a wink and a nod
They said your exactly what we're looking for

We practice day and night
Hitting all the notes right
Till our Air Rock Band was ready for tour

The crowds we all wowed
As we brought down every house
In venues we played up and down the Eastern shore

From top forty pop
To industrial techno rock
There wasn't a song we couldn't toast

We even threw a few polkas in
Sounding sweeter than sin
Cause Brian the drummer likes polka the most

We finally hit the big time
When we went nation wide
The Greatest Air Rock Band the worlds ever known

But as fast as we went to the top
That's just as fast as we dropped
Dead air was all you heard from us on the radio

Speak to me
Save me from
The suffocating silence
Bringing overwhelming sadness
Depression and pain
Please, speak friend
Distract me from
This awful world
Where they say
Its not cool
To be gay
In the place
Where I felt
More at home
Than any other
Please friend, speak
Help me ignore
The horrible slurs
The daily torments
Found in media
Found in actions
Found in life
Speak my friend
Or I know
That surely I
Shall go insane
In a world
Where its cool
To hate a man
For being gay

They get excited over the waves flowing when I walk by.
They look so weak
And I feel so strong
But then it’s all the same
I feel like this makeup is warpaint and my short dress sometimes turns into armor.
Honestly
I would wash over the world with my waters and crush buildings with the wind at my command.
But I can’t
Instead I have a flute playing wonderful songs and all these boys follow me into the ocean.
To drown
While I lay there unsatisfied

It was many and many a year ago,
  In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
  By the name of ANNABEL LEE;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
  Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
  In this kingdom by the sea:
But we loved with a love that was more than love—
  I and my ANNABEL LEE;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
  Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
  In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
  My beautiful ANNABEL LEE;
So that her highborn kinsmen came
  And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
  In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
  Went envying her and me—
Yes!—that was the reason (as all men know,
  In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
  Chilling and killing my ANNABEL LEE.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
  Of those who were older than we—
  Of many far wiser than we—
And neither the angels in heaven above,
  Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
  Of the beautiful ANNABEL LEE.

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
  Of the beautiful ANNABEL LEE;
And the stars never rise but I see the bright eyes
  Of the beautiful ANNABEL LEE;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling, my darling, my life and my bride,
  In her sepulchre there by the sea—
  In her tomb by the side of the sea.

She stared at her wall
Filled up with photos
Of friends & family
Their faces marked out
With black marker
So she couldn't see the
Smiles that she believed
Were only made for her
Benefit