Though eagerly repressed
Neglected
Kept out of reach
This pain managed to shape
Everything
Change
Everything
Made me numb and extremely sensitive
Left me trembling further into darkness

I tried so hard to hold it back
Turns out neglecting the pain
Just gave it time to spin out of control

After all these years of dwelling
How could I still be alone
Locked myself in, wasn't telling
Anyone about my song

I was trembling for a reason
Blaming every guy I met
I was not supposed to be here
Among sorrow and regret

For by now I should have met you
Had you listened to my song
And I tried so hard to reach you
That I ended up all wrong

Now I'm starting to see clearer
Realising what I've done
In my effort to get nearer
I got far away from home

And I thought that I had called you
But I never called out loud
And you couldn't even break through
Because no one was allowed

I was desperate to feel you
But I never let it show
On the inside I was screaming
On the outside I stayed low

I have blamed you for not seeing
That I needed you so bad
I was losing my wellbeing
And I started to get mad

Now I know you couldn't hear me
When I called you in my mind
When I hid you couldn't see me
And I thought that you were blind

And I know now that the reason
Why you haven't heard my song
Isn't that you wouldn't listen
But because I sang it wrong

I know
It was out of my hands
I came here for a reason
It's a part of a plan

But it's a specific longing
For a specific you
So intense and strong that
You must feel it too

It's like
Our roads almost crossed
But I turned back
Moved on, went lost

Its like I know you
Feel your presence
And it's so hard to
Reach acceptance

But I know
Even if we met
I wouldn't recognise you
For i can't see clearly yet

I'm so sorry I don't know what to say
You were so young
So beautiful and brave
I'm so sorry I wasn't there to hold your hand
You had to walk alone
Through this pain that was to much to bear

You were so young, I should have asked for help
You shouldn't have cried alone
You didn't need to lock the door
I should have been there to tell them no
To kick the door open
Let you know, I love you so

You were so brave and you didn't have a clue
But I shouldn't have put this burden on you
I wish I had fought back
That we didn't listen to their words
They hurt us really bad
You didn't know we'd overcome

I'm so sorry you felt you had to cry alone
All this pain, the fear, the shame
I should have told you, you were not the one to blame
It's breaking my heart I couldn't protect you then
That I let them break you
Turned away and let you go

It's now been twenty years of painful neglect
Wounds infected, we never met
But since I've called for you, you're slowly coming back
And I know it's late but I hope you'll take my hand
Because girl I'll never let you go again

I can't handle it
After all these years
I can't handle you
The pain, the dreams, your scent

I can't believe it still lingers
the warmth of your skin
The scent of your perfume
Your voice in my head

I thought you were finally fading
Turns out I only pushed you away
Put layers of other things above you
Thought I could finally deal with you

You came back
Without a warning, just like that
From normal to not being able to sleep
From nothing to feeling you in all of my dreams

I can't handle this
I don't know how to do it

It's the same intensive longing
I miss you so much it really hurts
Im afraid you're ill or married
I'm terrified you got a kid
Without me
I can't even think about the possibility that you may no longer be alive

I need the door to be open
Cannot explain why
I can't have it wide open and I can't bare if it's closed
It just needs to be ajar
Possible for me to open when i need to
But not wide open because I still don't understand what I feel for you

the wound is unfathomable
still open wide

i thought it finally started to heal
suddenly i find myself bleeding again

i cannot bare this pain
if only i knew what it meant
if i understood it, i could heal it
but i never managed to understand this

me'elek?
mish hader
ana mish hader

i cant do this. i cant go back here again. its way to deep, to painful, to fresh.

i dont know how to let it heal
i dont know if i should open the door wide or smash it closed
i dont know which one i would regret the most

I don't always like the summer
All the lightness makes me ache
It intensifies the lonely
And reminds me how to break

I am not a fan of sunshine
It exposes every scar
With brighter days that stretches wide
I'm longing for a star

I avoid the summer evenings
The aliveless makes me weak
Opportunities that's passing by
I hide away and shrink

For I do not mind the darkness
It's a shield against your eyes
The cold let's me wear layers
Keeps me safely in disguise

Ekot av vår förlorade framtid
Är helt öronbedövande
Det paralyserar mig
Tystnaden av din röst river i mina lungor
Avsaknaden av dina varma händer
Värker i min hud
Vi hade allt så nära
Allt vi inte vågat hoppas på
Du skulle bli pappa till mina barn
Och nu
Nu svider minnet av din bruna blick
Som kanske aldrig mer
Kommer möta min

Vi kom så långt
Men tog oss ingenstans
Vi hade allt
Nu har vi inget alls
Du kom helt nära
Men lät mig inte in
Du var min framtid
Och jag var din

Its not enough to say you love me
If you get anoyed at who i am
Its not enough to pull me closer
If you let go when i need you to stay
Its not enough to say were soulmates
If you disagree with all i say

Its not enough what you did gave me
Compared to what you took away