my hands smell like gasoline
my heart is on fire
the friction of you pulling my heart strings ignited a flame
i can't take this heat
who's to douse my love in a torrential rain

canoe sunset rides on spider lake.
1am star sneakouts to lay on the pontoon and talk.
running to walmart in the rain.
"welcome to caaaammmppppp"
first night frybread.
take me home country roads three guitar jam sesh
letters back and forth.
worship at the ridge. bless.
blair lake sunsets.
12 hour naps in sick room.
mighty mighty.
bonkers.
ducking underwater to escape the horse flies.
kaelynn flipping out of the kayak in baggy jean shorts.
seeing sarah after four years.
running to AO with Dustin and Ruby.
mirror selfies with rachel.
mario kart everything.
talking with meredith in the hearth room.
so many games of quarters.
joy's snickety snacks
towel over the head with sophie and joy
cassie being the speaker my first time counseling.
laurel's blue water song
laying, crying, and talking with katie the last night
AMEN across the lake
cabin adventures to star gaze on pontoon.
running to matthew and rachel with tear filled eyes after talking with amber
aidan's long 10pm kind thoughtful and affirming texts

with astounding longevity
my heart was so heavy
drowned with waves of depressing... worldly... insolutions...
a burden of problems unsolved.
give me one, give me two.
life is a theater
these "humans" think it's neater
to glorify a people pleasing persona upon their pedestal stage.
how can my own life in my chest not be heavy with red on the left and white on the right...
satan bleeds his blood.
white gives her life.
which shoulder weighs more...?
a category of "a" and "b," "one" or "two," "x" and "y."
which media story will fit in line.
well fine, let's get real.
the world is ******.
wait **** you need to duck..
here comes a flock of incompetent ridiculing opinions.
they'll hit you in the head,
make you feel close to dead.
have you got it?
have i picked a lock to get you to understand?
that maybe my chest
                         aches
                         at
                         night
cause the longevity of THIS life,
well,
my heart can't take it.

bending over in agony,
as silent tears fall and flow.
time to find a way to go...

no, i must learn to grow.

i don't want to go through with this,
but it seems like we're doing this.
you're forbidden, like it's hidden...
but i want it.
you ask me how do you feel,
i say "is this real?"
i pinch myself to see.
you know i've wanted this forever..
you and i, do or die.
i've got the motherf**ckin bandit by my side.

my face falls on the outside
as i crumble inside
there's a weight assisting gravity
pushing down on my shoulders
         creating
a
    spiral

she says she's alright
but turn down the lights
it's all in her head now

the small act
of you leaving
for the night
crushed me in flight
my solo sleep
causes tears to creep

fingers flow along the sea of white and black.
mind consumed with memorized melodies.
it's like coming up for air.

the beginning of the end.
the end of the beginning.
points in time.
time in points.
who are we...?
are we who...             we think we are?

words

            twisting

inside.

            thoughts

spinn­ing,

           spiraling.

everything's a lot.
not sure i wanna give it a shot.
the pull is strong... i know it's wrong.
these rhymes...? they're not mine.
ha, just the other me inside...
i tried and i tried,
but it's almost like i died.
cause ya know...
life is ****, give me my mit
to catch this ball
thrown over my head
on a day to day basis...
i try to play the game.
oh wait.. not the mit.
let me grab my mask.
i'm the catcher with the mask on my face to protect the embrace of the feelings ball.
my emotions thrown at 90.
then they come in for the slide
and my tears well... glide.

a treaty with myself
to never lose sight
of me.

like a tattered and ratty rag,
i've been worn down day by day.
by constant use and abuse,
i get thrown to the side
with the rest of my kind.
the cupboard in the back, in fact,
is where we hide.
kept in the corner
and given cold shoulder
to think back on the days
when we were given praise
instead of these cries
and end all lies.

today i wake up sick.
today i wake up anxious.
today i wake up scared.
today i wake up uncontented.
today i wake up conflicted.
today i wake up feeling isolated .
today i wake up.

today will be okay.
today i will smile.
today will hold promise.
today i will breathe.

today.

in bed before two
only three minutes before
four words, here, it means more.

five words to change today,

"today is going to be"

six words to turn it over,

"a good day and here's why"

seven words to complete the phrase,

"today atleast you're you and that's enough."

life is a beautiful symphony,
but mine is lacking in a steady rhythm.
a flowing melody ceases to exist,
creating nothing but noise,
because the musical components can't seem to coincide here.

i feel inadequate.
am i not enough to be here?
am i helping?
i thought i was the positive influence,
but i feel like i am taking steps backwards,
and putting on a front facing facade is tiring,
for the girl i watch.

life is a grind,
not against him,
but intertwined,
with my mind.

it's night,
i should write,
filling pages upon pages with words en route from my brain

it's night
i can't write
filling white pages with white words

it is both a blessing and a curse
to feel everything so deeply...

to swim through the lowest of lows,

to fly upon the highest of highs.

drowning to depths,

and soaring to heights

of emotion and feeling,

that can only be experienced by leaving solid ground.

today was a sideways thumb.
not all the way down but not deserving of up.
today was a rollercoaster,
of highs and lows, unders and overs.
today was walking in the sunshine,
and recoiling when the voice was raised at you.
today was cooking and rain,
sidewalk talks but later feeling blocked.

i gauge today with a sideways thumb.

i feel like a magnet.
attracting every possible situation i don't want to be in.
for once,
can't i repel?

we facetimed
and it was hilarious
lip reading and asl
to communicate
cause you had poor connection.

what is the great perhaps?
to escape the labyrinth that is life,
to decide on a final word?
no.
my great perhaps must be to escape the labyrinth...

but come out the other side.

dear anna,

opening up the bible felt so refreshing didn't it?
it seemed to immediately restore some faith and provide comfort.
notice how everything you read was what you needed to hear...
i'm so proud of you.

love, anna

it's 11:19 and i don't feel okay
it's 11:19 and nothing seems right
it's 11:20 and i can't get comfortable
it's 11:20 and i need someone by my side

it's 11:21 and my world hurts at night

a numb ache in the bone,
feels like you're alone.
with a head full of lies,
im saying goodbye.

dear anna,

the world changes
the ground shifts
we still make plans
we still find gifts
gmorning
(lin manuel miranda)

love, anna

alive...
but living?

if you knew me, music is everything, you'd see.
an innate instinct that spins me in circles from one instrument to the next.
i have an ocean of notes to dive into headfirst. to create myself while swimming in this world of unoriginality.

if you knew me, you'd see,
the world gets into my head and there i go off the edge.
my mind at the mercy of what should be my least worry.
the people yell. the people scream. it's my soul that takes a harsh beating.
mind sinks. limbs tremble. who would catch my fall?

i know who.
my fall is caught by the resonance of rhythm. by the peaceable pitch. by the sophisticated sound. by a resounding chord that strikes meaning. my fingers flow along the sea of white and black keys. my mind consumed with memorized melodies. when the weight of the world is too much to carry, it's like coming up for air.

up here, it's calm.
up here, i feel larger than life.
up here, everything will be just fine.
up here, i feel real.
up here, gives perspective.
up here, i experience the impossible.
up here, life is minuscule.
up here, the horizon is endless.

when i fly, when i soar,

over, around, and through the clouds.

wasn't my fault
~
but somehow i'm the one who get's in trouble

this morning feels like a tsunami.
incredible waves of
tired.
sadness.
anxiety.
i think i might fall under...

what is this life that i flit through?
year by year.
month by month.
week by week.
day by day.
hour by hour.
minute by minute.
second by second.
i feel i'm merely just passing the time.
passing by,
passing through.
the individuals of time flow past me,
as though time,
is a deconstructed reality.
because one moment is always the next,
seemingly leaving me reaching towards something inevitable,
and sometimes it can't seem to come soon enough.

the days where your heart soars
your soul graces the shores
as the river of life flows
and the garden of hope grows.

imagine.

i want to feel warm,
but this room is dark.
a heavy atmosphere combats my cold.
there's a soothing voice coming into my ears.
a ball on the floor, i curl up,
that's in my head.
a stormy world outside to match me, to catch me.

my coffee is cold.

i see gold attire
of endless beauty
shining over the mountains
surrounding the stars
giving worth to me and you
doesn't everything seem new?

she was an enigma.
unknown to even herself,
apparently not quite daring enough to open up...
we all keep a part just to ourselves, don't we?
she was a riddle.
waiting to be unraveled.
a puzzle,
with a missing piece that fell to the floor,
never to be found again,
so the puzzle will never be quite complete.
she was a mystery.
a labyrinth so complex,
not even she dared to start.

who will crack her case...?

a place in the clouds,
for me and my self.
a chance to fly,
a chance to soar.
a place in the clouds,
for me and my thoughts.
a chance to see.
a chance to be,

up here in the clouds.

i care about you too.

i don't know what or how to feel,
what's my deal?
never a comprehension of emotions,
never an understanding of feelings.

in this moment i need a hug.
in this moment i want to see the stars.
in this moment i can feel tears.
in this moment i feel oddly relaxed.
in this moment i don't know what i'm feeling.
in this moment...

i heard it
on my way upstairs
your mocking you thought i didn't hear
now i sit with tears

that's the thing about pain,
it demands to be felt.

~okay~

her.
the idea of one.
a special one.
an intriguing one.
my heart thuds in my chest a little harder.
is this really how i feel?
or is this some "phase" i'll look back and laugh at?

this must be real.
a heart flutter at her beauty.
a smile at her smile.
i can imagine her with me.

who is this "her"

is it just...
the idea of one?
a special one?
an intriguing one?

i'm the queen who's castle has fallen to the sea
i'm the queen who holds her crown when her kingdom is in flames

when all she needs, and all she wants, when all she finds
when all she is, and ever was is compromised

don't build your walls up too high

here one moment.
gone the next.
i didn't even see,
how he took it from me.

how did i not notice?

how dare i...