a simple melody,
flitting around and through.
crescendoing over the highest mountain tops,
it never stops,
until making its way to you.

these verses, these phrases...
these passionately expressed stories
of love,
of longing,
of hidden pain,
can only be apprised through strings of words
and hidden metaphors.
meant to provide any meaning and consolation
to a cracked but ever so slightly still beating heart.
a heart worn over time,
dragged across endless strings of lovers.
wounds no one could ever mend.
a heart, beat up by damages that escape comprehension,
waiting patiently for its turn at a chance to be healed.
hearts so painfully lovely and beautiful that need to be seen.
hearts so wonderfully in need.
a longing can only be so delicately expressed
with words straight from the heart.

today i wake up sick.
today i wake up anxious.
today i wake up scared.
today i wake up uncontented.
today i wake up conflicted.
today i wake up feeling isolated .
today i wake up.

today will be okay.
today i will smile.
today will hold promise.
today i will breathe.

today.

dear anna,

the world sleeps,
while you're still awake.
off to bed they go.
now it's just you and your thoughts.
you and your sick feeling.
you and your music.
you and your words.
but you'll be okay.

love, anna

goodnight to the ones who feel like the night lasts too long
goodnight to the ones who feel they can't sing their song
goodnight to the ones whos smile was dimmed today
goodnight to the ones who feel led astray
goodnight to the ones who may feel a little blue
goodnight to all you, let me give you a clue..
you will make it through.

it comes,
and it goes.
but love,
let it flow.

the world is too loud.
it seeps in the cracks,
filling your head with unnessecary noise,
prompting fight or flight.
flight builds walls.
up and up they go..
construction could go on forever.
another brick... just one more today...
no.

it gets too high.
it can't stand that tall forever.
it has to come down eventually.
you have to let the world in.
the love.
the blossom of joy only comes from rain pouring down, wearing away your walls.
it's okay to be exposed a bit..

although,
when that wall falls,
the base will still stand.
there's still some protection.
just don't let the wall get built too high..

her.
the idea of one.
a special one.
an intriguing one.
my heart thuds in my chest a little harder.
is this really how i feel?
or is this some "phase" i'll look back and laugh at?

this must be real.
a heart flutter at her beauty.
a smile at her smile.
i can imagine her with me.

who is this "her"

is it just...
the idea of one?
a special one?
an intriguing one?

dear anna,

i'm not sure what to say
i can't keep my thoughts at bay
they're seeping in filling the cracks in my mind
and i can't seem to find,
any consolation

darling..
as she once told you,
you hold the weight of the world on your shoulders

let go.
it's okay.
you're alive and that must mean something.
these days are temporary. tomorrow always comes and passes, never a moment, so you're always moving forward.
i love you. you're loved.

love, anna

i'm the queen who's castle has fallen to the sea
i'm the queen who holds her crown when her kingdom is in flames

when all she needs, and all she wants, when all she finds
when all she is, and ever was is compromised

don't build your walls up too high

night means tired.
tired means exaggerated thoughts.
exaggerated thoughts mean more feelings.
more feelings means more thoughts.

spiral.

turtles all the way down.

was not a success.

i can't seem to fight
my world could be bright
it doesn't feel that way at night
but writing is my light

dear anna,

the world changes
the ground shifts
we still make plans
we still find gifts
gmorning
(lin manuel miranda)

love, anna

I'm taking over my body,
Back in control, no more shotty,
I bet a lot of me was lost,
Ts uncrossed and Is undotted,
I fought it a lot
And it seems a lot like flesh is all I got,
Not anymore, flesh out the door,
Swat.

I must've forgot, you can't trust me,
I'm open a moment and closed when you show it,
Before you know it, I'm lost at sea,
And now that I write and think about it,
And the story unfolds,
You should take my life,
You should take my soul.

You are surrounding all my surroundings,
Sounding down the mountain range of my left-side brain,
You are surrounding all my surroundings,
Twisting the kaleidoscope behind both of my eyes.

And I'll be holding on to you

Remember the moment
You know exactly where you're going,
'Cause the next moment,
Before you know it, time is slowing
And it's frozen still,
And the window sill looks really nice, right?
You think twice about your life,
It probably happens at night,
Right?

Fight it,
Take the pain, ignite it,
Tie a noose around your mind
Loose enough to breathe fine and tie it
To a tree. Tell it, "You belong to me.
This ain't a noose, this is a leash.
And I have news for you: you must obey me."

You are surrounding all my surroundings,
Sounding down the mountain range of my left-side brain,
You are surrounding all my surroundings,
Twisting the kaleidoscope behind both of my eyes.

Entertain my faith.

Lean with it, rock with it,
When we gonna stop with it,
Lyrics that mean nothing,
We were gifted with thought,
Is it time to move our feet
To an introspective beat,
It ain't the speakers that bump hearts,
It's our hearts that make the beat.

And I'll be holding on to you.

we facetimed
and it was hilarious
lip reading and asl
to communicate
cause you had poor connection.

canoe sunset rides on spider lake.
1am star sneakouts to lay on the pontoon and talk.
running to walmart in the rain.
"welcome to caaaammmppppp"
first night frybread.
take me home country roads three guitar jam sesh
letters back and forth.
worship at the ridge. bless.
blair lake sunsets.
12 hour naps in sick room.
mighty mighty.
bonkers.
ducking underwater to escape the horse flies.
kaelynn flipping out of the kayak in baggy jean shorts.
seeing sarah after four years.
running to AO with Dustin and Ruby.
mirror selfies with rachel.
mario kart everything.
talking with meredith in the hearth room.
so many games of quarters.
joy's snickety snacks
towel over the head with sophie and joy
cassie being the speaker my first time counseling.
laurel's blue water song
laying, crying, and talking with katie the last night
AMEN across the lake
cabin adventures to star gaze on pontoon.
running to matthew and rachel with tear filled eyes after talking with amber
aidan's long 10pm kind thoughtful and affirming texts

dear anna,

opening up the bible felt so refreshing didn't it?
it seemed to immediately restore some faith and provide comfort.
notice how everything you read was what you needed to hear...
i'm so proud of you.

love, anna

dear anna,

you talked to aiden!
labbies in three months!!
yayay!
hey that's something to look forward to!
also, i love how you've found something in theater..
getting lost in a whole other world than your own,
it's nice isn't it?
the show ends tomorrow..
atleast you have the upcoming to look forward to?
but you're gonna miss the connections here, getting lost in the dancing every night
what now?
i believe in you.
you'll find something.
you'll stay strong.
you'll stay friends.
i promise.

love, anna

dear anna,

hi love
you made it through today
you smiled
you laughed
you danced
you sang
you made it
even though things disappoint,
there's always some good
talk to her and to him
they'll help you out
they can ease your doubt
two steps forward one step back love
you'll see... you're always moving forward

love, anna

dear anna,

it's okay for the tears to fall
it doesn't help you're tired and it's late
think about how nice it was to share safely with amanda and karen
and how much they care about you
think about how strong you are
you will feel okay
you will figure it out
you will feel the sun again
i promise.
think about how even on your worst days you can still smile
there must be hope in that... right?

love, anna

dear anna,

you're on your way
you're here to stay
hope around this corner
hope around that corner
smiles here
smiles there
smiles and laughter everywhere

to carry you through...

love, anna

dear anna.

ease up buttercup
look at what you do have
look at who you do have
even though the thing about pain is that it demands to be felt,
the world demands its need to feel you and your presence too.
you'll get there.
headphones in.
friends around.
time laughing.
you'll get there.

love, anna

dear anna,

it's okay.
you're okay.
he's okay.
it's going to be okay.

love, anna

the beginning of the end.
the end of the beginning.
points in time.
time in points.
who are we...?
are we who...             we think we are?

hurt.
drowning.
help.
i want a way out.
the tears force their way forward.
i'm trying my best.
all i want is to be okay.

that's the thing about pain.. it demands to be felt.

i smile
i cry
i harm
i heal
i break
i mend
i lose
i win
i fall
i stand

imagine if they knew.
what would they say?
what would they think?
what would they do?
who would i lose...

the world gets into my head
and there i go off the edge
my mind at the mercy
of what should be my least worry
the people yell, the people scream
it's my soul that takes a harsh beating
mind sinks
limbs tremble
who would catch my fall...