She came out early this year
The monster, baring her teeth as she stretches after her long nap in the sun
Expecting her in October I shudder at the first of September

Inquiries hiss through her teeth
What have I been doing
Why do I bother
Do you think they actually like you?

She laughs as defensive, I hide in the corner of my room
Covers over my eyes, shrinking away from anything she could taunt

Deep blue water, clear enough to see silhouettes of fish hundreds of feet below, cold water lapping into your kayak

Gold leaf pressed to the face of a figure of Buddha, flakes overlapping on his forehead.

Chubby little legs, wobbling and then plopping over on the bed, a slight ache in your arms as small fingers wrap around your thumbs, and you pull him back up.

Ears throbbing as your heartbeat speeds up to match the pace of Keep Breathing at an Ingred Michaelson Concert

An agoraphobic woman, hunched over her clunky walker, wide eyes searching as she shuffles into a crowded chapel to take her sacraments

When I say it out loud
The idea doesn't seem so strange.

The things in my life that seem brilliant at the time
"My life could be a movie.
(He) (She) (This)
It's all so perfect"

When you look back it was never real.
Real moments of beauty come when you don't expect it
When there should be nothing special about that moment
Real happiness isn't tangible
And it doesn't feel like you are living a movie

Drama just isn't happiness.

I'm not even motivated enough
To form my lack of motivation
Into a real poem

Maybe if I just keep writing
Keep forcing my fingers to type
Maybe
I'll push past the cloud

Had I been born in another time
I might have called myself cursed
Not always

I don't mean to complain because so much of my life is basking in light
And there have been times before when I was trapped in dark storms
Which are now few and far between
So I stay busy under the blue sky


Then comes the cloud....
Blocking feeling
motivation
love
hope

Like all rainy days
It will pass

Rain, rain...
Go away

But it's not even raining
It's just the haze that keeps me from seeing reality
from participating
from living


I've learned not to fight.
I just wait
and hope tomorrow will be sunny

in this moment
  For just a second

I feel whole again

Like two worlds collided
and somehow
months later

now
this chaos that came from the collision
Is more beautiful
peaceful
organized
than either world could be on its own

And it was worth the explosion

I glance back over the words that once contained my soul
My brow furrows at how shallow it all was

I need to turn this pond into an ocean

Today I feel different
Not the sad Anna
Heels dragging
Face drooping

Instead of an empty field of ice
winter has thawed
And I can see small sprouts

And it's a little bit easier to believe
That by the time I get to that field
It will be ready for me

And excitement is starting to grow
Like the sprout
And I'm not so scared.

So I'll wait
and watch that little sprout
Nine days until you have to be a grown up
White and ready to harvest
So please
Keep growing

My world is colliding
Crashing
I feel like my life is ending
And no one cares.

And I sit here
Begging
For someone, anyone, to care enough
To glance my way
As I helplessly struggle
Until I'm gone

But no one even notices

I'm sorry that I was nothing but a source of annoyance
Don't worry-
I'm not going to stick around much longer
Just 23 days left

And I wish I could say that then you will be sorry

Because you won't.
You'll forget me
And I'll forget me too.

And tomorrow
Everything changes

I don't want to go to sleep

I am sorry
I wish I didn't have to leave
I wish I could just stay here
And laugh
And play
And dream my days away
But then I would have to wake up
Lying on a bed and realizing all of the good that I could have done
Realizing all the unchanged lives
And unsung songs
All for laughs

I need to go
I need to know I am doing something important
I need to feel alive
Not just entertained
Well
You do make me fill alive
And fulfilled
And so so happy

But other people deserve that too
And I truly believe this is where I should be
So maybe this will **** for a while
But we will both be ok
Better than ok.
And it isn't goodbye
I'll come back
And when I do
Party rocking is all we will ever do
And it will be amazing
But until then

Please be happy for me
I already feel like I am on death row
And I shouldn't feel that way
But I do
And watching you being sad
Is killing me
It's worse than my own fears
Not even comparable.

This isn't goodbye
So don't be sad

This isn't the end

I know you think I am in denial
But this is important
And I believe we will be blessed

The train jolts and lulls
Every physical element of me is uncomfortable
But my soul soars

I can feel the energy
All around
And I know I was meant to live
Someplace like this

And someday this dream will be real
Someday will be
So amazing

I was so upset
I bit my nails
And that might not sound like a huge deal
But I was so set
On having pretty hands

But I guess I just felt like
If I couldn't be with all of you
Then why bother?
The world feels somewhat hopeless
As if anything could possibly make me feel happy
Once I am without you
So why bother having pretty hands?
And now I stare at the ugly stubs
Reminding me that I am worth nothing alone

I scroll down
The same story flashes by
I see this simple outward gesture
You taunt me because I won't do the same
It isn't out of hate

I think the way to make a difference is to listen
Or to smile
To forget about labels and just breathe a sigh of letting go
Not by shouting words of hate
In caps lock letters
The way to stop any form of abuse
Isn't through harassing others
Because they don't share your opinion

Some people think it is an abomination to be gay
Others judge that it is a sin to judge
And there is too much hate in the world
On both sides

So stop changing your profile picture
And start kindness.

Take it from someone who works customer service
People aren't kind
Not usually
Instead of fighting against this fight
Just everyone... Take a deep breath
Count to 10
And stop fighting

That is the only way we will ever have peace.

Sometimes I think that you think that I am head over heels for you

But you are wrong
If that is what you think
You are amazing.
But I think you should know I am not in love with you.

And maybe it is only my own insecurities
Maybe it is just a perfect friendship.
But if you think I am still that girl
Sighing to myself
I think you should know I am not.

I think the reason I have trouble sleeping
Is because every second of eyes slipped shut
Of my mind closed off
Is another second that I lose of today
Another moment I could share with you.

I have too many dreams
So many aspirations that even thinking about them makes me tired
Weighed down by the possibility of success

And I wait
And hope someday I’ll feel strong enough to begin
But I think this rest period
Has only made me more tired

I want to fall into love
I want to make my own family
Little smiles for me
I want to be a writer
I want to finish school
Be successful
I want to paint.
I want to see the world.
And so many other moments I can see inside my head

But I wait for the moment I get whisked over the rainbow
When in all reality
I could fly away if I was brave enough

The cursor blinks at me,
A white screen
Staring
Waiting for my emotions to fill it
To the brim
Overflowing with emotion

And I’m not sure I am ready to let that out of my heart
It has become too much a part of me
And I’m afraid if I let it go
If I let one tear fall
One drop brushed away

I’ll lose it all
Every experience
Every moment

And I can’t bear to lose you
Not yet
Which is why I have to stop typing this poem
Now

And my insides are screaming for the release
And I don’t know if I can even stop typing
And I don’t know what my life will be without this
If I could freeze everything
I would
Without hesitation
If I could give up my future
To just spend forever in today
I would

But weeks will pass
And soon we will all be gone our separate ways
And I can’t let you go.
Not yet.

And I’m so afraid I will let it out
And as soon as I let go of the pain
This moment will be gone
And only an echo of laughter will remain
Until I again am complacent
And content
And even though I know in that moment I’ll truly believe it is all for the best
I can’t imagine anything more tragic
Then the moment I let myself forget what happiness has felt like.
Which is why I will never write the poem
Screaming to escape.

My world is only clutter
Shelves of long forgotten memories
Crammed into binders of tear stained diaries
That don’t even matter
And rhythms and tunes playing
Over and over
Until it is only chaos, cacophony
Images
Quotes
The involuntary glancing around
Checking on my subscriptions
And I forget what matters

And I am trapped in a world without meaning
And Even as I sit here
Complaining
Pounding my fists on the invisible walls around me
Screaming

Any second
Any hint or vibration
Could rip me away
Until I stop caring even enough to

I really want to write a poem about you right now
But the problem is, I respect you
And I know you don't like that sort of thing
And I don't want to embarrass you by putting poems about you on the internet
Especially because I know your emotions are not there.
And that's okay.

So
Here is a poem about you
That isn't at all about you
But
If you were wondering
The emotions are definitely there for me.
And they are strong enough to write a hundred love poems

And I'm sorry if any of this ever makes you feel awkward
It's really not my intention
I'm trying hard not to let you know how bad this is for me.

Suddenly
I am not afraid of the future
A warm smile
From an unseen force
But I can still feel it

And I know everything will be okay

More then okay

Life is truly beautiful
And I wish I could share what I feel at this moment
With everyone in the entire world

And the best part is,
I am not alone
I never was.

So busy looking for love
I missed that which was already in my life
Staring right at me

But now my eyes are opened
and this is exquisite

I am so sick of being that girl
The one who sits awkwardly
Tries not to show too much on my face
But here I am
I watch all around as people
Stare
Judge each other
And it isn’t even me that I am tearing the roots out of my faith in humanity over

I watch
And I listen
And all I perceive is laughter
“Oh my gosh that was totes hilarious”
No.
It wasn’t.
Those people you laugh at…
People of Wal-Mart
That crazy chick
The person at the end of all of your jokes
Harmless as they seem
Those people are people too
They have people who love them
Loved ones losing them to the horrors of the person that you force them to see in the mirror each day
Each breath
Rigid and Choked
Trying to be the person on the inside
“Only inner beauty matters…”

Then why won’t you let them be more than
The punch line.

I know
It’s harmless
Everyone laughs
It’s funny

And everybody laughing
And joking
And smiling
As they look past your soul
Just searching for a witty response
Instead of a human being

It isn’t harmless.


If I fall
And I can’t even breathe
I can’t even tell who I am
And no one is around to hear my cries for help
No one hears…

Do I still exist?

People stop wanting to exist when they feel like their life doesn’t exist.
I’ve been there before

So

Just stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Just stop.
Think for a second.

What if that was you?
What if it was your best friend?
Your everything?
And their existence is laughed off.

Until it shrivels and dies.
No more growth.
Not ever.

We are walking uphill through a snowstorm of meaningless arrows
Poison soaking the tips
And I can’t fight them forever.
So please.
Somebody help.

And even though you may finally hear my cries
And cry with me
You keep on shooting
Not even thinking
Because it is only natural now.

Please.
Think.
Stop.
Think.
Let me go.
Let everyone try to figure out who they are
What they want to be
Without pushing waves of stereotypes
And laughing at their dreams
Scoffing their entire existence away

It is weird
Because two weeks ago
I thought I was in love with you
That was silly.
I mean,
You are great.
But...
What?

This is probably what
Suppressing
Hiding
Shoving
Emotion
Feels like

Because I can’t
Even think
Or write
Or feel
I just feel…
Like the small smile plastered to my face

Like concrete

Nothing but a small drops of water
Forming at the mouth of the hydrant
Of emotion
Inside of me

And I wonder
If
It is really in there
Or maybe
This isn’t real.
Maybe none of it was real.
And that would be okay.

I have always wanted to chop off my hair
But when I walk in
And they smile sweetly
What can I do for you today ***?

Just a trim
A few inches tops
Maybe a couple layers?

And I leave
Disjointed
Disappointed

And I hide behind the layers of boring
That frame my identity

When my dad goes out of town, my mom sometimes lets me sleep in the king bed.
I feel like I am sleeping in a cloud
Soft folds of white blankets envelop me
Feather pillows
The problem is-
I can’t sleep in it if I have work early the next day
Because leaving that paradise
Is impossible.

I think right now
My life is too comfortable.
I think it is late in the morning
And the sun is shining through the window
The day is creeping away
And I am asleep
Because who wouldn’t be?
And the sun passes by
And who knows what time it is?
And how much of the day I have already missed?

I’m too comfortable.

Time to get out of bed.
Time to take a quick shower
And head out the door.
And get to work.
Because you can’t make the world a better place
If all life means is being content

I really don’t want to sleep my life away.

I wrote a poem about you yesterday

About the light you bring to my life

For some reason

You were only a candle

Just a flic
k
  er
    in
      g

of light
in the dark room

This morning
As I left the land of dreams

It wasn’t dark anymore
Not in the real world

And I see the sun shining through the blinds

I was too tired to open them

But I know there is a sun out there

I’m not quite ready for the warmth

I’m ready to recognize that it is real
I think I’ll open the blinds in the morning

A little part of me
Still hopes
And justifies

But,
She no longer
Can control
My fate.

And I will not destroy this.
Even though,
As I type these words
Every moment
This beauty
Is flickering
Until like every candle
The wax runs out
And the wick burns out
And the light flutters for a brief moment
Fighting

And then it is gone

And it really didn’t last for that long.
I know this isn’t going to last forever.

But,
I hate the dark
Maybe it would have been better
If I was still sitting in a dark room
Alone
Never knowing all of the beautiful things
A candle could show me
And enable me to do so much more

I loved it.
And who knows how much is left?

All I know:
It is going to burn out.
And I will be left here,
Sitting alone.
In the dark.

Sometimes
I am too conflicted
To write

And so
In tiny
choppy
Insignificant
Bits
I release my emotions

And
I can
think about
breathing again
And
To be honest
It doesn't mean
Anything

Not
To me

Not
when only a
tiny
tip
Of my iceberg

is starting
to melt
When all I need
And want
is an avalanche

Now I remember
The reason I ran away
I just want my home.

There comes a time
After so much stress
When you are ready to slip into dreams
But you hold onto reality
In that moment
It all makes sense

Also
You become amazing at temple run
And reasons why will always be a mystery

All I want
Is one miracle

I’ve never understood it
When people take a giant leap of faith
That could end in them falling
Inevitably,
To their doom.

I guess I never understood that staying on this side
Of the leap
Means watching you walk away
Until there isn’t any leap to take

I see you there,
Across the chasm in front of me
Your smile
I know you won’t wait forever.
I don’t even know if you are waiting for me
Or if perhaps you are just bored
Maybe you are trying to help
Maybe you think I’m leaping to someone else.

And I know I have to jump.
I hope you catch me.
I know you don’t want to watch me fall
But if that is how this is going to end
It’s probably not going to feel worth it.
As I stare up at you,
Sorry that I destroyed the smiles

I really want to see what’s on the other side
I just want to walk hand in hand down that path
Because, not jumping
And never knowing
Is far worse

Please, please catch me.

I see it all in front of me
I can't help but wonder
What do you see when you look?

Are you right in front of me
Staring back
A twinkle in your eyes
And a smirk crossing your face

Am I too blind to see you?
Is this real?
Can I actually sense you there?

Or is this just a vain fantasy

Perhaps you aren't even looking
Rather
Perplexed by some strange vision
Entertained
And oblivious.

What is happening?

I can't trust myself
Not as my wishes seem to come true.

There is a moment
Right before my eyes droop shut
Everything is clear

Sometimes all I want to do is to write something beautiful
To let the words flow out of me like
Watercolor flows onto paper
Swift strokes of a brush
Colors blending
And suddenly
Effortlessly-
Art.

Like a map
I see my future sprawled on a table
I know where I want to end up
I know where I am now

So many roads

I know which one will be easier
Which one is the “better” choice

Somehow, I don’t want that path

I don’t really care which path it is
As long as your hand is clasped in mine

Unless, you know, you think that would be awkward.

Your laugh is the most beautiful sound in my life
Even though it is a little bit awkward
A tad too loud
It makes people look over at our table
We have to look away
Act natural
Okay
It is more then a little bit awkward
But... it means you are happy

And that is beautiful

I am always a message unnoticed
A piece of fruit
Growing ripe
Soon to be tossed aside
A voicemail deleted before listened to

That is why you surprise me
You see me.
The way I used to see myself.
The first boy to tell me I’m beautiful…

Thank you for not looking through the lenses
That erase my existence

Thank you for helping me
To take them off

Somehow I’m not certain.
There are reoccuring instances of peace
Pure joy.
Still, I crumple.
Can I really give everything I have?
My life?
Somehow the peace disappears into doubt.
It isn’t enough.
I'm not enough.
Not enough to take the leap.
Help me be strong enough
To take that leap.
I’m sick of standing on the top of this cliff
Waiting for my life to happen.

You can’t see me.
I don’t really blame you.
You only see the walls the world has built around me.
As much as I try to joke about this box
As loud as I scream that I am a person
You see a box.
I try my hardest to charm my way out
You only see the walls.
I fight it. I don’t want to be the girl in a box anymore.
I work.
I’m trapped.
I can’t get out of the box, and you will never understand why.
You’ll never know why I don’t just get out.
I can’t.
I wouldn’t want you to feel this way.
To you, I’ll just be a box.
No one can love a box.

So we disagree?
Please remember our freedom-
Why we must defend.

Silky smooth syllables
Sliding away into silent passages of nothingness
Never dreamt of
Never to be summoned by the crevices in one’s own soul

Romantics and dreamers would sigh in sweet, melancholy sorrows
Craving gratifying sugar coated contemplations
I carry the solemn news
Sorrow fogging over their eyes

My soul cries out to them
“Don’t you understand?”
“It means nothing”

My heart hears me whisper
I mean nothing
I am nothing

No one is listening to my silent sing-song words.