She came out early this year
The monster, baring her teeth as she stretches after her long nap in the sun
Expecting her in October I shudder at the first of September

Inquiries hiss through her teeth
What have I been doing
Why do I bother
Do you think they actually like you?

She laughs as defensive, I hide in the corner of my room
Covers over my eyes, shrinking away from anything she could taunt

Deep blue water, clear enough to see silhouettes of fish hundreds of feet below, cold water lapping into your kayak

Gold leaf pressed to the face of a figure of Buddha, flakes overlapping on his forehead.

Chubby little legs, wobbling and then plopping over on the bed, a slight ache in your arms as small fingers wrap around your thumbs, and you pull him back up.

Ears throbbing as your heartbeat speeds up to match the pace of Keep Breathing at an Ingred Michaelson Concert

An agoraphobic woman, hunched over her clunky walker, wide eyes searching as she shuffles into a crowded chapel to take her sacraments

When I say it out loud
The idea doesn't seem so strange.

The things in my life that seem brilliant at the time
"My life could be a movie.
(He) (She) (This)
It's all so perfect"

When you look back it was never real.
Real moments of beauty come when you don't expect it
When there should be nothing special about that moment
Real happiness isn't tangible
And it doesn't feel like you are living a movie

Drama just isn't happiness.

I'm not even motivated enough
To form my lack of motivation
Into a real poem

Maybe if I just keep writing
Keep forcing my fingers to type
Maybe
I'll push past the cloud

Had I been born in another time
I might have called myself cursed
Not always

I don't mean to complain because so much of my life is basking in light
And there have been times before when I was trapped in dark storms
Which are now few and far between
So I stay busy under the blue sky


Then comes the cloud....
Blocking feeling
motivation
love
hope

Like all rainy days
It will pass

Rain, rain...
Go away

But it's not even raining
It's just the haze that keeps me from seeing reality
from participating
from living


I've learned not to fight.
I just wait
and hope tomorrow will be sunny

in this moment
  For just a second

I feel whole again

Like two worlds collided
and somehow
months later

now
this chaos that came from the collision
Is more beautiful
peaceful
organized
than either world could be on its own

And it was worth the explosion

I glance back over the words that once contained my soul
My brow furrows at how shallow it all was

I need to turn this pond into an ocean

Today I feel different
Not the sad Anna
Heels dragging
Face drooping

Instead of an empty field of ice
winter has thawed
And I can see small sprouts

And it's a little bit easier to believe
That by the time I get to that field
It will be ready for me

And excitement is starting to grow
Like the sprout
And I'm not so scared.

So I'll wait
and watch that little sprout
Nine days until you have to be a grown up
White and ready to harvest
So please
Keep growing