Raked across the coals
burning never gets old
Bold brains once fresh
Now rot in wires
Tied knot
Sets fire
Fried the ends of this friendship
As a tragic paintbrush
Hits the road

Golden light
Silver flight
Above the dark city
Bleeding pretty
Orange traffic streams.
Dreams
being lived below
Being shot slow
Blow
Jobs
Economic growth
A hope!
Cope
With the cancer taking mom away.
"Pay in love,"
I keep repeating
Unheard.
Heart stops beating.
Still the thrill of cheating,
And pleating
Your hair,
Swirls swift in my veins.
Shining and shimmering
In golden light,
The few threads keeping me tied together
Catch his scissor's eye.

Scrape the sides
Of the bowl
Addicted to something
I don't know the name of.
Batter collects at the bottom.
Harvest with a spoon
A moon to guide the way
Hit the road today
Hoping it will only get better
I tried to tell you in person
But I ended up telling you in a letter.

The only thing that grows
is the space between.
You don't want what this body knows

questions pile up evermore
What does this mean?
Why don't you want me anymore?

On and on
this suffering plays
my heart is its song

I ask, "how long?"
it doesn't respond.

The combustion
Of eye contact
Nearly kills me every time
Half dead
Half asleep
I'll tell you which of those promises
I can't keep
Ridges of his thumbs
Match up with the grooves
Carved in my back
Give me some slack
Let me climb down
Or up
I can't tell which is which anymore
Don't keep score
Pour out the bottle of whiskey
To keep this wound clean
Don't you see now? I never say what I mean.

Stunted growth
Confusion
Loaf
A penny in the center
I need all the luck I can get
Ball set
In motion
Stopped, popped under a bully's foot
You learn fear
Then you learn pleasure
The difference between work and leisure
Flick a flame
Wild but tame
Tricks and bane
Become a diagnosis
Realize all their hypnosis
Turn anger into strength
Turn self hate into lust
Must you be this way?
What else could I say?

I am an old shoe
Try to untie
These laces
With crippled fingers
And hot glue
Running into my fingerprints
Burn them off
One by one
Phase in and out
This old shoe and hat
Lock the door
Take up the mat.

Feathers falling, flailing fast
As if they are dense
Like the star you fill up
Or that fills up you?
She can't tell the difference.

This bird struts pink skin
For all to see
How thin her neck seems to be
She looks around,
"Did you blow off all my feathers
because I perfectly blew off your ****?"
But all that was left of him was the smoke

Half of my face
Is scared
Is scarred
It's the part I hide
In the shadows
In the back of the room
With tint and highlight.
Ugly Textures
And those scars
I bandage
And, behold, I manage.

There was half of me
That forgot
The part that remember
Long had been severed
Listening for a knock

You. That face.
A wonderful clock
My eyes leap forward
Longing for the details

Longing to remember
How you once laughed.

Make blown glass plans
Tasting of peppermint and lime
Feeling of golden bubbles and time
Eroded by ***** and cancer

The floor I walk on
Bare foot
Made of shards of blown glass plans
Look at these hands.
Tasting of iron and callous
Feeling of sharp disappointment and malice.

I have become the ghoul
In your faint nightmares
I have become the fool
In your dreams.
Give me pills and creams
To put where things went wrong
To make me into something strong
Long gone are the days
When I was wispy butterfly,
A struggling little cocoon.
I look for a way out

Nothing is too soon.

You wouldn't believe it if I told you
we can now walk
away from guns
put the safety on the trigger
put the razor in the gutter
stop running for a second,
look back to reckon:
is it still back there?

Your fingers are blades
And your kiss is the same
Welcome to the game
follow the rules
No touching
No caring
No shooting the moon.

You sound cute
I sound mute
What you hear isn't me
It's something in here you can't see.

Your fingers are blades
And I am the queen of spades
In this game of hearts.

Prefer the heat
To the cold
Because its too close
To how it felt around you
Under
Crushed ice and thunder.
Stand above lasers.
Will they burn off traces
Of my soul?
Will they help this roll
Off my tongue a little smoother?

Prefer the heat.
Grab some lemonade and take a seat.

Signed on for the strong game
But under some different name
And with a mask on:
Looking like
The person you are in your dreams.

Oh such long nights
And fits and fights
Spitting sour lights
Into my eyes
So I can see more clearly.
I push away those whims
To hold you dearly
But I can still feel the heat of your hand
That I almost reached out for.

My will
melted away like a popsicle
now a pool of sugar
evaporating quickly
leaving behind
some sticky stick
singing sweetly
of a thing that was once good.

My imagination crafts a new one
a few done
and alone
wooden sticks pile up
like maggots on your corpse.
You, my emotional self,
flatlined and bruised.
Nobody there to be amused.

Faked but believable
Achievable in the mind first
Cursed down, core found
'Round and 'round I go
Low and high tide, the moon
Is soon
Chipped away.
May I just say,
I loved you the moment I saw you?
Blue devil to
Revel in gazes to
Shrivel into
mazes.

I smudge the paint
on the wall
your wall
to call out a weak power
by which I love you.
Cower beneath the hedges,
never to be seen,
I can't seem to say what I mean.
As I let go of you,
black and blue,


you drift out to sea

The moment I said hello
Was the moment I said goodbye
Eyes can tell lies
Same as thighs
Gripping ties knotted in my mind
Blind to find
The meaning of hate
Same coin, same rate
As love and needs
Seeds thrown out
To wither instead of grow
The moment I said hello
Was the moment I said don't go

The men line up
Up against my brain
Too big for its skull
They bleed out my eyes
And eyelashes become their noose.
But you don't ever get in line.
So you won't be finished off.
Done, you sewed up creature,
Will you keep this name?

Go ahead
Finish me off with your broken
Neck intentions
I see how your eyes flutter and shut
Like a hospital bed curtain
I see the hangmen
Dangling from your
Eyelashes

Slowly fire red
blood dries to a maroon
and, there, a raccoon
mocks your crawling carcass

Ha ha you know the rhyme then
Again and again
I'm looking for someone who can understand
Awkward crisscrossing needle and thread
Your hands are stained red with my blood
Now you are gone
Your absence leaving
Bleeding bullet holes
That anyone can walk
By and put their fingers in
I love the quick high
The exasperated rush but
I wish now you did not leave
Such a perfect exit wound

Needle and thread shaking
But Why? Haven't I done this before?
A thousand times
Change his name.
Sew him up.
Scared every time.

*You changed your name
A thousand times since last we met
I am cold and tired my wounds deep
I love you no-name
Sew me up

The sound of your voice
Fake lullaby in the distance
And fading fast
They say you gotta
Love the one you're with
If you can't love the one you want.
Are these the same people
comparing wishes to horses?
Outlining courses
With white chalk on the grass?

I have a seat among the ants
Grabbing ahold of your hem
Falling asleep to the sound of your absence
Your memory turns from coal to gem

A coin spins
a decision to be made:
which side will show?
Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde.
Him, You.
You:
abused,
ragged edged,
pushed under the bed,
forgotten parts of a soul.
The ringing yields to silence.

I line up
all the things
I like about you.
I space them evenly
Precisely
Accurately
I shoot them
with a harpoon,
A gun,
A sling shot.
Then I smash them.
I burn them.
I bury them.
They beckon me
to go about collecting
them once more.

Hands stained
A black-purple
Dried blood of
My life
I just killed
One day
Maybe with my bare hands
Maybe with a ice pick, chilled,
Just out of the freezer.

"What do you want?"
He said.
"I'm really just working
on the basics,"
I replied.
Wait,
in the movies
This isn't work.

I landed on a square.
No, no, no.
A square landed on me.
He said,
"Do not pass Go
Do not collect $200."
When I laid paralyzed
On this square,
No, no, no.
Under this square.

Did the square know
It was sending me
back to the beginning?
It.
That is what he has become.
It.
The square I landed on.
No, no, no.
The square that landed on me
next to all the other thimbles and irons
turned battleships:
Sunken.

I ran into the ocean
One night.
The stars shot me with bullets
Of relief.
The waves licked my ankles
Knees
Thighs
Up my body, cold and gentle,
Finally sealing my lungs
With salt
And the memory
Of how you wouldn't lay next to me.

Lanky lizards
and crusty cockroaches
are crawling in the space
between my skin and the atmosphere.
Generated by the generator
he installed just below my naval:
On-fire, they are;
Sharp, they become;
Jagged, they march.
Over and over,
slower and slower,
deeper and deeper--
A never-ending game
of ring around the rosie
I don't want to play anymore.

Your memory
Nails on a chalkboard
The color of an orange lamp
Or the heavy paper stamp
On an envelope of illusion
Cliche delusion
I toss around these terms
Insides turned to worms
Squirming not like butterflies
Tell me what your money buys
Because it never bought me
I can't pick: hide, see, or flee
I long to be deaf
To a memory of the bereft
I long to be at home
And for my heart to be sewn

Smeared black eyeliner
settling into
newborn wrinkles.
I tried to tease.
Just stop, please,
because I can't tell
what's real and what's not.
Imagination constantly carving a spot.
So in some storm,
some torrential desperation,
I remain
warm.

Compose,
Gather, rather throw together
A set of words
Birds talk the same amount of nonsense

Translate these electrical impulses
Repulses of boys
Or men
(I can't tell the difference anymore)

Decompose
This body
Because its shoddy
It's not all have

But it is all
I am willing to give to you.

I wanted to say
To scream
To love
And never leave

A little bourbon
Velvet curtain
Fall

Devastation
Crawl along
Say things you don't mean
A voice unseen

Wolves hunt in packs
Relax
I wanted to say
I wanted to stay
I wanted to stand
To go
Headed toward the sand
Course correct
Now I'm crashing on land

I smell you in between my
Mascara laden lashes
Luck and love
Have a conspiracy
Good taste
Bad timing
Rhyming as a way to get the words out
Could you ever get tired
Of her golden hair
And your golden ring?
The thing
I've learned from you,
Intertwined tangled in the sun,
Is how to love someone
Who can't love you back.

Everything blue. Invisible.

Crashing, collapsing  
Gold swept away

The back again to stay the winter

Weathering stone to sand

Hand-in-hand to spring

*Soaking everything in gold
In blue

Live without hurting
him, others, and the spirit.
Unattainable

I pass the trigger
Like I pass the bottle
Say what you mean
I pull full throttle
But get no where in neutral
I never love anyone
Like what seems to be in-fashion
crashin' this life all in one go
a huge loop I sew
My fingers to my hand.
How is that possible
You demand.

Subtle hairs out of place
Momentary pleading on her face
Race this heart 'til it gives out
Round and round this route
A warm sickness
A familiar thickness
Pick this carcass
Up off the road
What color is darkness
If there isn't any light to measure?
The opposite of pleasure
Is numbness
So I pick pain
Unplug the drain
Unhinge the door
I can't take this anymore.

Why did you craft
all this sorrow?
How did you scrape
enough clay off the sides of my ribs?
Who are you,
and what did you do with that heart
I gave you?
Did you throw it
away?
Are you keeping it in a mason jar?
Does it get enough sunlight?
Do you feed it?

No.
Because I feel the death of it.
Deep, down low.
Please throw it down into this pit.

Keep you on file
they always say
good enough to string along
not good enough to ask to stay
can they all sense the wrong?
they certainly hit me down
with whispers, they drown
I drown
away I see,
your floating, golden, perfect
crown.

I lost another bet
Met halfway through
A new razor blade song
Long to feel skin
Sin is the only thing I'm good at
Sat down and gave in
Pin *****
Pat down
to find your bullet
Still lodged in my spine
Line after line I articulate
Particulate matter matters a lot
Sought to numb the world
Curled hair around my finger
Linger longer
Stronger and stinging salt water in my eyes.

Gather the sand.
Shift it
Comb it
Stroke it
Like a bitter demon
On your shoulder
Or her shoulder
Equally, they smolder
Set it all on fire
Pills and solitude
Melt into glass

I thought I could exchange
*** for love
Cat food for caviar
Knives for bullets
Nothing for everything.
The exchange rate isn't listed
And I've forgotten how
To kiss
To eat
To cut
To trade.

Balance.
Heel-toe-heel-toe,
**** it
in,
chin up,
shoulders back.
These relentless echoes
resound through caves.
Waves:
certain frequencies.
Sine.
Cosine.
Tangents
I go on to avoid
your melting gaze,
your sand figurine
sifting swiftly through my palms.

Feels like
sunbeams
under redwoods
in clover

eyes

boil over

Dull and rusty scissors,
a body decomposing: full of fissures.
Your apple core
that you didn't want anymore.

This still life
of death
is smeared all in-between my mind's strife.

Because

How can you know how to live
if you've never learned how to die?

Bad decisions and drowning
Like knives and matches
It all catches
On the end of my leads.
My needs
And wants
They always feel the same.
An itch and pain.
A stitch of disdain
What's the difference between
Bad and good?
To be or not to be.
They all feel the same to me.

Head bowed
Eyes closed
Cellphone
Smart
Phone
Worship

It has all gone vapor
Through the chimney
Mixing with the clouds
Pixel perfect
Engineering effort

learn to look up again
See again
Eyes open

Be human
Or object
Thin air. Project
Science fair
A mismatched pair
Of socks
Mom collected them
A basket in the bedroom
Frantic rummaging
Trying to find a match
Trying to unfold a patch
But only finding ruin
The truth is, it is only human

I'm hungry but I can't even feel it
through all this thick sickness.
When it comes to anything, I'll steal it,
feel it, seal it with blue masking tape.
I gaze over at you: basking late
summer eve
and just before I leave,
I'll wrap your memory in bubbles
to myself I'll say, "Thanks for all the troubles."

I'll board a weather vane:
slim sword straight through this vein.
I shake the rein
and heave a heavy sigh.

He'll take me to the end of the universe.
Cursed love, gossip, bend and snap
whisking away like a dove at my stupid trap.
Send help.
Here, hold my white flag,
while I get off
and step into the stars.

I keep a look out
For your ghost
I keep a knife
By my bedpost
Just in case.

I seek a lengthy silence
To listen better
I seek a sharp object
To cut this tether
Just in case.

I speak not a word
They flew away
I speak a glance downward
That's enough to say
"Just in case"