Headless
Shirtless
Arms, speechless
He lays beneath the tracks
and feels the death he lacks.

Dark kitchen. lines of shadows
Paint the walls a shade too soon
All I wanted to do for a living
Was never sit down
And use my broken fingers for something great
Beyond you and me
Chairs and nails
Rails and cares
Tales about pairs of socks lost and then found
That's all I really wanted
What is left this second:
a dark kitchen
A heart beat beckon

Recoil back into the belly
Of this grief
Large. Obese. Heavy.
Cut all the fragile strings
Watch colorful kites fly away
Imagine their life in the clouds
Far away.

Take the swarm of pixels
The sting
Stretch out and look up
Let them cover
Hover
Run
see one last kite tail
Disappear behind the sun

The short stems will never do
I chronically wait for you
while tie-dying
and untying
knots
lots of people ask why
but I always lie.

A place on the periphery
outside edge
sharpen with her stare
Could I ever make her care?
Covered in roses
Intricate poses

I took out all the thorns
threw them at you
blood battered
fried and hot  
taking what is due.
I never meant to love you
I never meant to stop and start

We never meant to part.

Somehow the world
Has a vague flavor of you
Is this déjà Vũ?
I burn my mind
Looking for the memory
Location
Latitude
Longitude
Of where I went wrong
It is nowhere
And everywhere
At the same time.

All I want is to understand
Your mind
All I want is for you to forgive
My mind
The way I forgive
Your body.

Lavender and metal
Will settle
Whatever is broken in me
I want to be
As stoic as a a cherry tree.
Take enough pills
To block out all the madness thrills.

But that was last paragraph
Accepting blades with a laugh
Lavender and metal
Sharpened to a fine gin edge
Throw out who you are, that's the pledge
I can never utter
Because of the shutter
She causes.

I lost count of the loses.

Leaves turn gray
And fall away
The pressure is too great,
And you are far too late
I ask the universe
Or fate
To send some help
But it only hears a curse.

My light isn't light
He said
It's un-light
In the brightest possible way,
I long to gulp down
A beautiful soul
To replace the one stolen from me,
The one lost at sea
Instead, the un-light
Gulps me into its
Violent absence found
In leaves turning gray.

They never existed;
they sip lemonade with me
on a porch.
They ask me who I am;
I ask them to stay,
to blossom into reality
like a harsh lotus
I cannot touch
through the glass.

One step forward
Three steps back
Pull at the bottom of the stack
Masks reveal
Hearts conceal
Swim across all the seas
Lock all the locks
Throw away all the keys
Is a way of life
For people like me
Is there time
To just be

Put duct tape over your mouth
before you go south.

Be something you didn’t even pick.
Just stick
your finger down your throat.

Oh, don’t forget the moat
around your fragile castle--
Made from mud
sud up your hair
with pretty pink soap.

Trip down the slippery *****.
Hey, if only you could cope
with the meaning
of all the jellyfish trapped behind the glass.

I try to make
To mold the folds
Of this clay life
All buckling and slippery
Now drying too fast
And too flat from a past
Lapse in attention
Spitting water and tears
A salty glaze for a faulty fold
As the dust in the air clears,
I can see my creation
Full of empty diamonds,
And broken backs
Of mirrors.

Blood and blade.
Rise above.
Could you quit,
If it felt like love?
Forever will I sit-
empty glass,
Fingers old.

Bold passions never sit
Could you quit,
If it felt like love?

I didn't understand the lines
because I could color right over them.
I could get black
and blue
on my wrists and calves
when I painted all over the carpet.
Don't hesitate
to fill
a metal dumpster
with scraps of memories
the good times I multiply into a vast ocean
of burning paper.
I tried to tie it to my waist
and hoist us both over the fence.
I was too weak
or it was too heavy
couldn't tell which

I tried, but you won't.
I didn't understand the lines
and still don't.

I haven't been alone
If I stop running
I'll never start again
The little piece of metal
I can never quite shake
Wrap around my finger
Oh how you linger
Like a life never the same again
Dreams shouting in the distance
Seem so silly now

Blunt force,
bone broken in half,
temporary tattoo:
that's her, him, and you.
The lions know what to do
when the snow globe shatters
fake flecks clear, revealing the tatters
and making it easier to see
what is outside of me.
Claw
Mane
Blunt force,
just after a kiss on the glass.

I look for god in the city's view
I look for you
In my heavy perfume  
Put on lipstick
To kiss
Straws and glass
I'm not afraid of spiders
Or liars
Or cheats
I fear what meets
Me in the dark alley ways
And caves
Of my mind

Was I beautiful
drowning knee-deep
riding a crest, steep?
Was I beautiful
the lace of my soul
grazing
the button of my mind
gazing?
Am I beautiful
like you still are?
One single gram of one single star.

Tell me once more
Was I beautiful
once before?

I asked for you,
but I didn't know your name,
I just imagined you laying there
among the clovers, all covered in dew.
And now I tear
all my parts into little pieces
so I can give them to you one-by-one:
in an envelope,
in a cursive letter,
in all the threads of a sweater,
in every footstep and fingerprint,
in every hue and every tint.
I give it all to you
little-by-little.

I became the sea
Just so you'd come see me
Just to listen to you breath
It must be possible to live
In this place between
Lonliness and joy
Visible and transparent
What can I do with
These waves, tsunamis
Hurricanes on skin
Of bones.

It must be possible
For you to swim with me
Without drowning

Stay calm.
Calculate.
Mold yourself,
Shape the edges,
So maybe you'll fit with this one.
Take the safety of this gun
So I graze your shoulder
Like your bullet
Grazed my heart.

There will be more beauty
There's always moonlight

So far from a shore I can see.
So far from a you and a me.

In my mind
I scrape my fingertips
Along the spine of your soul
Utterances from lips
Impulse control
I shove my hands
In my pockets
Step away
Step away
So much surface
Hungry for something I can't quite name
Something I chase but never catch
this gray sandpaper skin

Destroys.

Things circle and sway,
threads bare and fray,
I lean in to hear you
because I cannot clearly say
what this body knows.

Questions I pose,
frames I build
chaos ensnaring
What is your trick called, "caring"

A lonely box for each of us
blue. steel. cold.
Now it does rust.
Now, another day is sold.

I wait
In the lilies for you.
Counting every breath
And every petal
That falls.
Finding something that solves
These wolves you face.

Whiskey and lace
Placed careful in my life.
Stray hair. A knife.
A long night saying no
And.
If you know what's best,
You'll just run. You'll just go.

The night is long
Stars hidden by clouds
Loud silences ring
Through thick things
Wrapped around my leg
My mind
I do beg
for the sun
I do run
Out of myself
And into nothingness
I do melt
Into the night

The long night

The car
was running.
The star
was shining
under a black spotlight.
The girl
was losing the fight
between simplicity
and clarity to see:
What life really is,
What life really means,
What life breaks.

I know you love me
Because of how much it hurts
A beautiful torture
An outstretched hand
A sea of existence
To define the land.
It has the power
To **** me
But always lets me down
Love is a sound
Far too loud
Love is a cloud
In a cloudless sky
Love isn't my
Action or inaction
But
Most of all,
Love isn't a fraction.

Girl, what's wrong?
Tell me what's right
Off-balance plight
Crumble along the river side
Drown in the low tide
While the water rushes
Pushes brushes
Out of my hands
Demands of my mind:
A bump and grind
Of questioning my worth
And how can I tell you
That all I want is to be visible
To one single person
For One single second.

Girl, what's wrong?
Absolutely nothing.

Mad hatter runs rampant
through a haze
in a maze.

I take that mad hatter
between my hands:
a knot of never-ending strings
a plain face
without love. without light.
There.
Hold on tight.

Have you noticed
birds are in the trees
And they are flying
And singing
And living a thousand lives
Of which you know nothing,
That magic, have you noticed it?
In the way your eyes know to blink
and the moon knows to rise
and the world still blooms and spins
It lives
It thrives
Then
it dies.

I try to saw
My body in half
The gears and springs
Broken sensors
Machinery of my other half
never quite disengages
I pour out its contents on these pages
So as to not get oil
On your ear
It's broken? fix it.

Well
B'twixt you and me,
Who wants broken machinery?

Fingers reach and bend.
Please pass the paste,
because I'm on the mend.
"Make haste!"
You want to say.

Your cursive cure
on a rusty pole.
Summons full of allure
you dole
them out like pennies.

There was a structure
here at one time:
a mechanism, an aperture,
a gear, a chime.
Now, it all pounds to dust.

If you must,
push me fast over the cusp.

The hospital smells like home
Something's hurt your head
On-repeat, "me instead"
Lead paint wishing walls
Halls fluorescent
Reminiscent of looking for your shoes
Lose just this girl
Curl your hair like you used to
Do you understand?
On-repeat, "me instead."

Sew back together
Feather to bone
Stone to gravel
Unravel skin
Search somewhere for something sharp
Harp strings, heart strings
Both play the same melody:
Forget all this revelry
Pains and pleasantry
All feels the same to me.

red lipstick
Oil dripping off a dipstick
Lick quick
The chocolate off my blood stream
Colored dream
Of all nightmares
Floating away.
These things gather
Or scatter, rather,
Across the expanse of my memory.
Please remedy:
A needle, a pill, a potion, a lotion
Not to see
Whatever has become of me.

Men and magazines
Teach
what each game means.
But I haven't had much
time
With either to know
What to do with you.

I can't seem to take
The past out of my back pocket.
Try to find
Cunning cells, exploding rocket,
Running through, constant repeating,
Instead of reading
Men and magazines.

Black mud
Slip
Fall.

It was the scars
That gave it away

Call out into the storm
Hear the wind scream
Over and over ask
Is this real or is this a dream
Throw metal around
(It's comforting for a second)
Turn up the sound

So you can't hear
Death coming

You stand in my mind
Solid as a stone
Eternally eroded
By my imagination
Into something smoother
Into something you weren't before
Something a little more
Iridescent like mica
Like a shooting star
Cutting sharply through me
See that girl I was before?
Neither do I.

Everything I touch turns to flies.
He called me Magic Eyes,
but didn't hesitate to forget
and get scared like all the rest I've met.
Who wants to be a fly anyway?

Everything I touch feels like gun metal.
Cold and deadly
This expensive paint brush
is a trigger I crush
everyday:
A sharp accessory medley.

Everything I touch enters my blood stream
and feels only like a dream
where you made me scream  
and drive away.
My cells thrive on bribes anyway.

I've read this story a million times
I've stood in this spot a million times
I write out the millions so it rhymes
Maybe then you'll hear
all the things coming at me from the mirror
Stear this ship so it crashes on the rocks
locks in a destiny, like you always said
it never matters what I've read.

In my mind,
I've died a million ways
Oh my, to find
Meaning to fill the days.
Pays in coin
**** on fire,
As Plath would say.
This circumstance seems dire
Liar, it's only in your mind
Find meaning in the days
Ways that may
Teach me love
Reach above
Make me stay.

In my mind
you are a fire dancer
brightly, I find
a world without cancer
a world where he chooses me
a world where I can clearly see
what is right in from of me
In my mind,
things are different than they really are.
rare overlaps of 'I love your scar'
'find safety in pain'
like rain,
it doesn't run.

I count minutes like I count light reflections
Off the window.
I count them on every finger
And every toe
And every cancer cell
Spreading like a wild fire
Burning whatever it is we have left
There is a purity in destruction
A nothingness where weakness is strength
So I watch
Count
Savor the flavor of the minute
Glenfidditch
Fifteen
A sickness rising in me
Too much spice
I count the minutes
Like I watch the wind
My tongue burned.

Your red eyes
French fry fingers
Only look when they won't remember
Loose trip
Tight grip

Your heavy sighs
A million angel singers
Only listen when they can't hear
A little sharp
A little broken harp

Your compulsive lies
Your scar lingers
Only comforting the next day
Sit. Stay.
Come what may.

I imagine the wave
of your hand
your hair
standing on end
at the sight of me
not the me I know
the me you somehow see
through a distorted glass vase
encase me in molasses love
slow my heart down from above
my face facing yours
it was the last time I took a breath

Her leather jacket.
Making a racket
Out of sticks and twine.
The line is fine
And faint and often disappears
And reappears
But only when you want it to.
I didn't have a clue
When he shaved your head
That you would emerge dead
Now there are no rackets
Just Black Its
Consuming my organs bold
A chewing and chilling mold.

Maybe I need to write on these walls
just a paragraph or two
of how you
don't matter
and I
don't matter.

This stupid thing in me
a monster ravenous
for my time and hands
it demands
to be heard,
tells me I'll never be cured,
and by you I'll always be allured.

Maybe that is the only way to do things
and, oh, how my little wax heart sings
softly to it.
This monster, this clawing contraption,
beats everything else down
Now, I unzip my gown.

Got sick of being under my bed
So they climbed into my head
I see them around every corner
I smell them in pleasure
I taste them in pain
I hear them walking
An echoing madness
Through neuron chambers
And blood vessels
Dilating pupils spell out the fear I cannot.
Through everything I haven't forgot

monsters cannot be fought.
So don't slow down,
They might catch up.

I scramble my brain
Like I used to scramble eggs
For her on Mother's Day
Everything I do
Reminds me of something else
Felt heart melts
Under a solitary flame
My body is on land
I gaze at it through a telescope
I cut the rope
Like I cut everything out

Including Mother's Day.

I fell in love with the colors first
A contrast green, gold
Blue
Underneath.
Then the words
So many and so few
Sighs and currents
Cold shivering view
Distance and near
Not having enough eye
To see all
That once was here.