He doesn't remember
all the names
of girls,
or the chemical processes
he puts in his brain.
Vein. Blue or red?

Sprawled across his bed
On-repeat in my head.
Trying to find where
I couldn't convince him
to care
to read this
to miss my kiss.

Vein. Red.
I know
because I bow
a razor across it.
Matching his blanket.
Catching my breath.

Pool of blood turns sticky
Icky thick tick picked off and tossed aside
carve a pumpkin-
watermelon smile
black teeth grow
sprout green,
a textured ridge
bridge the gap between what I mean and what is seen.
I think of you in your blue room
With all the pieces contrary
love isn't real but imaginary.

Here, a bouquet of broken
Skyscrapers,
A pile of glass shards,
A chaotic
Entropic
Mess of a thing.
What a pity
you wasted your time
on me.
Tied with a black ribbon
Of wet tar and black candle wax,
I hand it over
You said,
"I wanted your heart."

"This is my heart."

Brown ponytail:
as long as she’s been alive,
sandy like
hot straw as she pedaled that baby blue bike.
In that moment,
when she looked the other way,
she lost the ability to say,
"Only one more mile."
Because she was just a pile
Of cherry red mush.

Sticky lies
comb the gum out of my hair.
The universe told me
it is unfair.
We will trudge through it
snowy boots
sticky fingers
and all.
We will catch the vase
as it falls.
I will watch my face
as it calls
and combs
the gum out of my hair.

This lace is loud--
a loudly changing mound
Stuffing the guts
Through tiny cuts
Of my bright bugs;
And your hugs
Keep them crawling.

I want to tell you.
I went to tell you.
Strange how I can
Find the words
Only when it's too late.

The bugs may
Be exterminated today.
But through the emptiness,
It's complete mess,
I try hard not to stare.
I try hard not to care.

Set everything on fire:
Earth becomes a sun
Because you went super nova.
Because you are awake.
Because you believe there is a God
To hate.
You want flames on the ground
To match the flames in your heart.
But you already have your wish.
The world
The people
burn every second.

I took this withered body:
Wilted under the pressure of the moon,
A simple shard of glass
Transparent in the carpet.
And I saw it in a new light
Of a graceful waterfall
That doesn’t know the difference
Between what I used to be
And the way I stand here now
Wash away my
Wash away my
Wash away my
Emerge a butterfly

Don't come closer
I've created a bed of butterfly wings:
all the things
I tried on
but didn't fit
all the wrongs
don't equal the rights
night spent
trying to be the dragon
he chases
all the faces
dissolve into scars.

Hold on while I burn
my life down.
I've collected all the tinder.
I've chopped all the wood
Dead
Flaked bark and pale flesh.
I construct a magnificent
castle around my life--
tiny, buzzing, confused,
I've trapped it in a mason jar.
It's locked in a desk drawer  
Locked in a room
In the highest tower.
Now I drop the match.
Does glass burn?

Sleep against the ledge
Balance one foot
then the next
Peer into a could
A world of another time
Where sad is happy
And happy is a puppet stage.

Birds sing every morning
Some through a cage.

"Things haven't been the same."
Years of dead flowers,
Of looking away,
Of tear stained pillows
Yearning living may
Just be the death of me
I could see if she let me
You could be if you let you
Let me down easy
Let me down slowly
I'd watch you go
Just to imagine you
Coming

Back

I take cold showers
To save the hot water for you
One plus one isn't always two
Green plus yellow is blue
Black is the absence of them.
I know the monsters' den
All too well.  
You're a resounding bell
A deafening cannonade
For nothing was I made.

I want to capture
all this blood-sludge-drainage
dripping drops down my femur.
I put down the ******* to look for the creamer.
She's lost, they say. She's a dreamer
stuck in a dream catcher
fetch her a blade quickly. Come
over to see her last breath.
I want to capture it all
in words
lines on paper
drape the world with it,
so everyone will be lost
and no one will be lost
and I won't be lost.

This place carves you out
Become hallow
Things have gone
Now
To another way
In another plane
Fly high over all this
Go back to a time
Just breath if you understand

Torn up like
Mom's wicker baskets
Living forever
Like all their caskets
A sky, blue pastel
An empty castle
Engulfed by vines
They ignore the signs
Thorns tear thicker
The wicker
Of baskets.

Hope to be the dancer
Bag of meat
Actuality
Reality
What's the difference?

Keep up this charade
Tell your secrets
Say you're naked
When you're nothing
Without whatever
Belongs below the waist
The waste
The taste of nothing
Is so loud.

Handful of doughy breast,
perfect caramel skin,
a mind messed,
memorizing a mesmerizing pin.
Sticking
Pricking
Licking
My heart sweet and tender.
What good is rejection from each
gender?
Only as good as a moldy peach.
Screech
Breach
Bleach
all I seem good enough for.
Around when it's convenient
never more.
Been there. Seen it.
Screen it
Clean it
Please, just mean it.

A Swift decent
A run away train
What is it she meant
When she said she loves pain?

Lift up and replace
Her with
A dancer's face
Full of jewels and pith.

Teach her the meaning of connection
Or try at least
With mysterious affection
A chasm increased

I died under a tree
Or under the sea
So everything feels the same to me.

Put on more layers
Until no one knows what came first
The chicken or the egg
Neither, last time I checked.

And if you aren't careful
With that bomb you hold in your heart
It'll destroy you slowly
From anticipation.

Precipitation runs down
The cheeks of this town
And no where feels like home.

I have an understanding of the sea
But not Chelsea
A name on a phone.
Try to stick to the facts
Don't step on tacks
Unless on purpose
Lie
Even when
You don't need to
Because I expect it.

Cut down the words
I'm never shocked.
I just pretend.
As I long to be
As stoic as a cherry tree

Listen
If I stop
Will my heart keep going?

I dig at old wounds
with screams
and pink champagne
pink pain running down
my arms
down
my thoughts
through and through
I loved you
You could accept these lions
except their claws are sharp

I am just a rat,
some object all the boys pick and kick and lick at,
tease, and put in a cage,
saw in half, and sew back together
with their **** and *******--
their sweet nothings
their bitter sentences.
They're lies,
blades,
dark, heroic, and valiant seas that drown rats.
They're litter all over consciousness.

Cold bath water
numbness
You added the ice cubes
To stop the swelling
Of my heart
In your honor.
Hypothermia sets in
And feels like warmth

Threads get darker
when wet
with tears, salty sweat,
spilled water on a date,
beer slopped, slurred state.
Color is characteristic,
evidence, not mystic,
of time and results
of the feelings from insults
not spoken.
Here is a token
to show you
this is your cue.

Today I set
A date
For my wedding

With death.

This place makes me angry
because the heater is out of control
because my mind is out of control
because here is where even cacti die
dry
barren
yet full of concrete buildings
mortar
metal screws
yet there you are, a sprout
green
small
yet blossoming tall.

Look at him and go out on a limb,
Or am I suppose to use a three by five?
Slop on the mascara,
Know the difference between "por" and "para".
Go to this school, so they can feel secure;
Be clean, be pure.
Starve- you can't be fat.
Fail because you didn't follow format.
"I don't care how well you draw,
Just go to Harvard and study law."
They'll lay out your life step-by-step,
And yes, you will be every teachers' pet.
I don't care what you do;
Be cut-throat, be cruel,
Anything to be:
This cookie cutter you made for me.

Eyes rolling black
To run to what I lack
And from your memories
However warm
However cherished

Warm turned scalding
Cherished turned consuming

Natural selection
Now just an impression
A first one
With the mass of one ton
Lowered down onto the tip of my tongue
Flowered through the tip of my handshake

Lick me like a cottonmouth snake
Sweet like lemon cake
Your charm is venom
And I yearn for its death.

The last time you saw me
Was the last time I was alive
Your charm is venom
Now unzip that denim.

The dicktip
Soft lick
Swift kick
That's him.
Say this or that.
Matte paint
And ginger ale
Pale light and shadow
Under his eyes,
In his eyes,
Under my skin,
In my belly.
Jelly
And peanut butter
Because that's all he can afford.
Board
a plane
Because all I can afford is to leave.
Pay in love next time.

"Eyes open"
You said to me in the mirror.
So I slice keenly
Urgently
At the stitches forcing them shut.
So I cut carelessly
Uselessly
At the ropes holding me up.

Please unsettle
Yourself from your standards
Fifty eight
And twenty three
At the same time.
What became of you?

she won't know what to do
Because when it comes to women,
All you want is a girl
All golden curl
And too much blush
A drip with a pouty lip.

You say everyday
How much you want him to change.
When he does, you ask,
"What became of you?"
Why couldn't you tell that little girl of yours
Not to be afraid?
That things will be okay.
I still wait for that day.

Fear radiates lackluster
And holds my hand
Instead of you
You - damage,
A heatwave.
Ravage
Your bones. A feather.
Kind and savage
A severed tether.

Spring bulbs rise
out from their dark prison.  
Escaped at last!
Greeted by
the unfamiliar whiteness
of a late spring snow.
Cold and unmoving
We wait
for rays of sun.

I want to swim
in the middle of the night
wade in right
up to the hem of skirt.
The names of my dates:
Lake, Pond, Stream, Sea

I want to swim
wherever nature touches me
because it touches me better
than you ever did.

I often wish
to feel not as a dead fish
flipping and flopping
on your dashboard
on your sharp sword
on, around, between.

I often think
I feel a sense of this
which is really that,
lovely like the space
between the molecules of your face.

I often stare
to feel between the lines
swimming and swerving
When is "I'm tired"
"I'm tired"
and when is it "I'm tired of you."

Part of her skull
is dented,
filled with foam.
It is where you rented,
and lived for awhile.

Uncontrolled proliferation
of cells
like rabbits
or people
destructive and useless.
That is what you are.

I gave myself
the same haircut he gave her
but since no one
understands,
I cover it with the rest of my hair,
"Hire me,
I'm normal.
No, I didn't save her hair that day."

Lies.
I memorize the texture
of the dent
of her hair
of things and spaces
that you ruined.

Did you take
her to make
me stronger?
Make me suffer a little longer?
A little harder?
Did you want me to barter?

We said,
"At least it isn't GBM."
White coat replied,
"No, because now you get to watch her die
slowly."
This isn't dying,
this is living.

Was that what you wanted to tell me?

Your introduction:
a cow carcass in the fridge
Your destruction:
a black burned bridge
Your construction:
a fake, plastic heart for mom
and a bomb
into already destroyed lives.
There is no apology
or technology
that can fix this war zone.

The pool on sixth avenue,
Down the road and past the zoo,
Was deep.
And many would leap
Into a blue that must have weighed a ton,
But this poem isn't done.

This pool I just mentioned,
Compares to a friendship that nearly cured me of my tension.
It's depth and profound impact,
Have changed the way I see a friend, that's a fact.

Even though I maybe away,
I will keep you tucked inside and carry your mark everyday.

Thank you for everything you did for me
And for helping me to see:
Life in the light of understanding.

“Do you want to get out of here?”
Well, I thought that meant you wanted me
Now I fear
This moment we’ve all waited to see
If I could keep
Your interest in me

My small sentence
Spoken softly to the bathtub ledge
Describing the difference between anger
And the love of a stranger
As nothing at all.

Word evaporation
Like radiation
chemotherapy
Dare me to make something intricate
Triple threat thread
three stiches
On the mend
On the bend
Of your hip to your waist
What do they say about haste?
What do they say about paste?
If only I could remember
If only we had skipped December.

Here is your main problem
You don't smile at people
Your eyes stare wide
Like a deer in the headlights
Don't you see?
No one likes that moment
Right before collision
So close your eyes
And saw off your antlers
While you're at it,
Get out of the road.

Desert at night
cold, moon bright
harsh cactus cuts
spiny needles as the door shuts
sand between your toes
lonely heart beats and woes
echo through vastness
black sharpness
I wander without
I wonder about
how it came to be this way

She retched her skull in two
brain stem looking
like roots in her hand.
Nerve endings cooking in the cool,
blood in one big pool
up to her knees.
asking, begging, please

Let me throw
this into some dark pit.
I have dug for years and years.
So I might forget
the way your thumbs felt
and seemed to melt
away my skin,
bruises, scars,
and etched things
revealing budding wings.

I seem to recall the details of emptiness
and the somethingness
defining it
the line where the nothing turns into something
the artery wall
the air and the ground
the spot where you found
the sadness in the joy
the pain in love
the pursuit of balance
the moment where details
don't matter anymore.

I always want to make you laugh
When we talk.
A gorgeous green celery stalk
Crunching under the pressure
Of her teeth;
A long walk
Down the shoreline
her hand in mine;
A twirl of her salted bones,
And me, eating nothing
but pizza and ice cream cones;
and the stuffing of
her exploded heart,
her forgotten art
collected by a face
That finally cares.

Dinner alone
More often than not
Because dinner with you
Has only the difference of plates: two.
Why?
Where?
None of it matters.
We don't care.
Listen, instead, to others' chatters
About dreams
And why they have them
Far away, us, torn at the seams.

Sticky ribs
A dozen mad libs
That we couldn’t fill in
Saying no to gin
In a ***** martini
Pulling off that bikini
What was all that worth?
Maybe nothing