your words would set me ablaze,
a firepit for a stomach as it churns,
it burns,
and i am all warm inside

and all you did was give me the time of day.

all you did was speak to me so kindly,
and then
my face was red
and i shook.

maybe 5 am isnt the best time to rile me up...
not that i was complaining.

and so
if i kissed you now
would it hurt us?
and not the kind of hurt of passion bruised lips,
not the hurt of our lungs when we refuse to part,
but the hurt in our minds,
the ache in our hearts
when we know this will never work?

i want to be the perfect, slim doll
so that way your agreeable warmth
envelops me so entirely
and so you can lift me
so that the things you do to me in a night full of physicals
look pretty on skin of glass
your shirt hanging off of me
like drapes to the window
and the aftermath of ruthless movements
still shows in the way my slender legs wobble
i want to be the kind of skinny
that look good after i've been ruined so completely.

i learned happiness from someone else
found my light in a boy i could never begin to love healthily
and although we talk,
he's no longer enough
and my courage shrinks smaller with every day that passes
and i thought maybe cutting myself open
and finding that small coal of a sun in me
would help me
would show me its there
but its dead
gone
goodbye forever

in another life
i was probably happy without attention
from boys who just wanted to ***** me.

this is not that life.

to be fair,
the sunlight i found was not pleasant,
and it burned me like any sun would had i gotten to close
i tried my best to be there, but i was there much too often
and i didnt protect myself!
how silly!
with the lack of protection when being so close to him,
i burned,
and the brilliant ball of flame that was the man i had fallen for
hurt me without knowing it
and even now,
whilst i imagine ripping my sun-burnt skin off
and  relieve myself of the pain of his kindness,
i would still let him be close.

i would still let him be close
because although i know what he wants of me
i know the sin he sees in his mind when he speaks to me,
pretending to be lovers
is still better to me
than just being his friend.

i will depend on the sunshine that others provide for me
all of my life
and although its unhealthy,
nobody's ******* healthy.

the truth is that i cant be my own sunshine.
but i will not cry anymore over what could have been.

i honestly wish the situation
would pass quickly
and honestly i wish i had a say
but she is the one its about
not me
i am her sister
but my opinion is not relevant at all
and i am just a watcher.

for two weeks,
i had stayed comfy in my home,
because April showers sure do pour.
if i had known me coming back were a problem,
i would have stayed home again today,
because what would i listen to your scolding for?

although I am having a difficult time
without a home,
he feels so much like home that sometimes,
I don't even notice anymore.