i learned happiness from someone else found my light in a boy i could never begin to love healthily and although we talk, he's no longer enough and my courage shrinks smaller with every day that passes and i thought maybe cutting myself open and finding that small coal of a sun in me would help me would show me its there but its dead gone goodbye forever
in another life i was probably happy without attention from boys who just wanted to ***** me.
this is not that life.
to be fair, the sunlight i found was not pleasant, and it burned me like any sun would had i gotten to close i tried my best to be there, but i was there much too often and i didnt protect myself! how silly! with the lack of protection when being so close to him, i burned, and the brilliant ball of flame that was the man i had fallen for hurt me without knowing it and even now, whilst i imagine ripping my sun-burnt skin off and relieve myself of the pain of his kindness, i would still let him be close.
i would still let him be close because although i know what he wants of me i know the sin he sees in his mind when he speaks to me, pretending to be lovers is still better to me than just being his friend.
i will depend on the sunshine that others provide for me all of my life and although its unhealthy, nobody's ******* healthy.
the truth is that i cant be my own sunshine. but i will not cry anymore over what could have been.