i'm trying to map my way
to happiness, to reach that feeling
of euphoria, of bliss,
and not follow it up with a
"i'm never going to get this feeling back"
thought.
it's like i know there's this bundle
of energy inside of me, waiting to
be tapped into; i can feel it
sometimes, when there's something
so funny i can't breathe, and my legs
collapse at the same time my lungs
do. but even then there's this
mantra in my head, this "oh my god
do they think my laugh is horrible
i wheeze like an old lady just like
that boy told me once in the fifth grade
and it's not attractive, and it's not like i've
got a lot going for me now, not with
a hundred pounds too many
and these hideous patches of
irritated red across my whole face"
and i can't hold on to the buzz
of joy and pleasure and living;
it's like getting high for the first time
and crashing back into reality with
sickeningly crystal clear vision,
and then you feel like everything you
do is this act, this mask that weighs
twenty pounds and hurts
so much that when you take it off,
it's like crawling into yourself
and falling unconscious for the next
15 hours.
and i'm trying, i'm trying to
reach this inexhaustible
source of happiness and golden light
but it's like everyone else has found
the key to happiness and peace
and life, and i'm drowning in the middle
of the night in the moats outside the gate
because i can't ******* swim and
there's monsters coming in from
every angle. and i just
accept it, because it seems like
despite all the effort i put in, there's
this bitter ***** that's seeping through
and she's angry, she hates everything
and she wants to ruin it for
everyone else if she can, and behind
her is the little girl cowering that
wants to believe in fairy tales and
saving people and flying
and Peter Pan and God,
and she's whispering
"Look, it's right over there,
let's just fly over that wall!"
and she can't see that life
isn't that simple, you can't skip
the middle bits to get to happiness;
you don't get the laughs without tears
and the better bones without a few
breaks and stronger hearts only
come around when you've gone
through enough that you
feel it turn to dust behind your
ribs, when it first beats to life
again at the sight of the blue
eyes sitting in front of you
in english, or the shiny black hair
that swings across your desk
smelling like lavender and cigarette
smoke and you want to be okay,
you want everything to be okay
but you still can't pass the **** gate
and there's no key to be seen
so you're left hollow and
desperate, filling yourself with
anything that makes you feel,
food and music and words and jewels
and things from your past, holding
on until your knuckles are pouring
blood like a waterfall.
you get so full that all the oceans
and seas and bays and lakes
lap against the walls of you and
push while sufficiently weighing you
down and slamming you to a
stop and you're lazy and you can't
get up, can't get out of bed without 12
hours of sleep even though you're
only getting five on good nights and
you can't even get ready in the mornings
until you can clock the time left in at
10 minutes, and life is ticking around
you in milliseconds while you're
pushing through, and you can see
the light at the end of the tunnel because
you've pushed through so much already
and you're only 16 milliseconds in,
there's at least 50 more to go and that's
a whole lifetime.
and you wonder "what if that lifetime
isn't enough? what if i need 70 milliseconds
ore than 16 and i only get 23 milliseconds
for my whole life? what if i die right now,
cardiac arrest, or i step out into
a car going 180 miles-per-hour,
or i just go to sleep and don't wake up,
not even when prince charming kisses me?
what if i die before i ever get past
that golden gate? what if i never get
to bathe in the glow of that ball
of glee sitting behind those
ivy covered walls?
what do i do
if i die and never grasp
the true concept of day to day
happiness?
what if i'm like this
forever?"