Shoulda known
Shoulda expected
the moment I asked for help
(Im better off alone)
That the minor inconvenience and the minor expectation
(its better if im alone)
Would have been too much for them to manage
(its better if im alone)
For me.
Cant do anything, for me.

You really thought they cared?
No, you really thought they cared?
Whatever made you think that they ever really cared?
Theyve only ever pitied you
Put you in a box, insisted you were stupid despite your intelligent thoughts.
I struggled. I fought. And I have over come.
But yet I still cant manage to find someone who thinks im worth their time
Dissapointed disregarded disheartened
Heart broken
Theyve got me Jaded
Not caring about the danger
tryin to be faded
A little full of anger
A little tired of this hatred
And I've got a little wager
I could convince you right here right now
That no one in my life
knows my life
-knows who I really am
Knows how hard I've had to fight
Against the broken dreams inside
Against the anxiety, depression and autism.
All convincing them im just a waste of life.
And now my life has been spent with
People disrespecting Me
people dissapointing me
People always hurting me
Making me feel
Making me know
That im always
*******
better
off
alone

this is a girl
with a steel spine
whose been hurt too many times
this is a girl
whose let too many people treat her wrong
and who wont stand for it any longer.
this is a girl who will not put her happiness in other peoples hands, no one is allowed to make her unhappy.
this is a girl.. who can cut someone off
and acted like they never even existed
and i am the girl who has.

how could you say i didnt try?
when i was drowning in my own words
trying to get through to you.
and you could have choked on all the words
that you kept inside.

money spent doesnt equal love won.
not to me at least-
i never felt like you loved me
existing doesnt mean you tried
i wanted to see your heart,
i wanted to hear your true feelings
because god, i was pouring mine out to you.
ripping out my heart to you.

how could you ignore me
when my heart was breaking?
how could you ignore me
if you actually loved me?  

despite what you say
your actions tell me the truth
you never loved me-

-and now youre done pretending to-

theres all these things i want
that you say that youll do
though you never plan on actually coming through
i let you raise my hopes
and look forwards to you all day
i cant wait
i cant wait
i cant wait

and then you never respond
never show up
never let me know that again you've driven home
you break my heart and i let you.
you break promises and i let you .
im dumb enough to still hope that you'll keep them

boy imma take these silver linings
from the storms that you keep giving me
im gonna grow, im gonna learn
and someday im gonna get away
im gonna keep improving
getting better every day

you boy,
you're a learning experience
teaching me never to trust
and never to believe
that things will never happen like they do in my dreams

you keep teaching me
not to put my happiness in other peoples hands
not to hope for anything that i cant guarantee
and never
to never
expect the wrong people to love me.

it hurts me to see you
to hear you speak
with a smile in your voice
not directed at me
but at something painful to hear
your voice directed at with whom i compete
its an ache in my chest and ice in my throat
and an anger id never thought that id know
that you speak to girls
when you broke up with me
because you needed to be single
to fix your failing sanity.
you told me you needed
to be on your own
and i loved you so i
unwillingly let you go
i thought you couldn't even talk to me
i thought you were really in pain
you used suicide as an excuse
and i was so scared that i let you walk away
but i see you a month later
and i realize
that you were playing a game.
****
you
because
you flirt with these girls
while i burn inside
and i crush the tender love
that im trying so hard to hide.
you hurt me.
you hurt me.

the worst part
is when i have the dream
where i find you in a crowd
and you weren't expecting me
but you turn and instantly
start kissing me.
so naturally you instantly
just hold me and love me
and im safe in your arms
im yours again
it feels so wonderful,
this dream feels real
but it hits like a hammer
when i lie in my bed awake
and know
that ill never have you again.
that you'll never love me again.

i try and i try but i cannot sleep
when i close my eyes i can only weep

radiating out of the hollow hole inside me
where butterflies used to thrive
is a saddness so enveloping
so thorough, that it is filling me up.
and drowning me from the inside.
suffocating and sobbing and begging for air,
it beats at my eyelids and bursts out of my eyes.
this icy saddness which freezes and burns my throat
and makes me curl up like a sinking body in the artic oceans.
as if im protecting the frozen hollows of my heart
against any onslaught of unrequited love i might suffer next.
everynight i find tears on my face as i chide my sobbing
into a quieter tremble of my body,
i cannot let anyone see how torn you've left me
the mask i wear is perfected, self created of shame,
i wish i could show someone
im not as unbreakable as i pretend.
but though i ache to be loved
and i miss you
and i have dreams of kissing you
circumstances demand
that i suffocate and sink
to the coldest darkest place
that i have ever been.

selfish people
who only take the effort that you exert
in hopes that they'll catch the fever
and love you  like you deserve

they dont even know
how little they try
they think a drop of water
is worth an ocean
but not to my eyes,

when every drop that falls from them
is so much more

we are oceans full of love
and we cannot let ourselves run dry
over someone who we wish could love.

do not cry
and please
no longer try
to please those
who poison your mind.

baby when i see your eyes
and theyre gold and look like spring
baby when i see your eyes
and theyre smiling at me
baby you are beautiful
so much that i cant speak
i cant even find the words to tell you
how breathless your glances leave me
i have a deep need
to tell you what you mean to me
baby you're my spring.

About every third sentence I say to you I regret.
There are little words with harsher truths
than I ever should let you hear from me
Because I aim to be the home you run to
When your tender emotions are burning you alive like acid
And whenever your thoughts feel like a trap.
you are my angel. You are where my heart lives.
I die a little everytime I hurt you with my words.

Love cant cure depression,
though god knows ive tried.
ive searched everyplace for cures
i would even rip out my breaking heart and die,
if it could brighten your unhappy soul-less eyes.
It hurts so much that theres no stopping your pain,
But you will never see me cry-
I feel so selfish everytime I try.
You are tortured by the tides of your own emotions,
Ripped apart by your turbulent mind.
Everyone asks me if youre ok
but i just strain to hear the words you say.
im so self destructively in love with you.
As you teach me depression
theres nothing I can do
but stay and ache
and try my best to fix you.

i want to cuddle and kiss you,
to love and misuse you
i want to breathe in your breaths
i want to kiss you until i've got nothing left
i want to love you so hard
i want to be warm in your arms
i want you
but you dont know
because i dont know
if you want me too

love is
when the girl
gets down on her knees
and she smiles as she ties his shoes
because she knows that kind of care is something hes new to.
and when he sways back and forth in the cold
because its December and they've been kissing good bye
for at least 4 whole minutes.
what is love?
maybe its when i don't feel all that whole
if you aren't wrapped up in my arms.
maybe its when i break through my anxieties
just to stop your stress
because i think it may be killing you
your hair is turning white.
i need to help you
and i need to show you
that i do love you.

hey fire.
your burning up the wrong forest.
mrs. fire, why do you burn low when you look at me?
i see you, fire, flicker and stutter
and god, you look like you're about to die.
don't go out because of a whispered wind.
my little words aren't meant to be so harsh.
your warmth will help us all to mend
so strike a spark,
light a match
please, you bonfire of a woman alight!
you are the light of my life!
both my sisters
ive realized
are so bright
your fire and shes sunlight  
but.. then what am i?

i need to stop looking at you
as if you aren't made of skin and bones
i idolize you
as if you're made of chocolate, and coffee
and caramel and honey.
you are music and the deeper tones of life.
you are smoke and sleep and lies
you are beauty and starlight
as confusing as a birds cry
because i don't know if you are
negative or positive
a giggle or a scream
you are a mystery
but forgetting you,
that idea is history
because you're my hobby.
you are my foremost thought.
and im tired of not knowing you
so whether you are lovely or not
i will find out
i will take the chance
and see if your kisses run too hot.

i love more things than boys.
-i like waking up on a Saturday morning
and watching the sunlight dance around my room.
i like breathing in the crisp clean morning air
then snuggling back to sleep inside my warm blanket palace.
-i like walking down my stairs on said Saturday morning and smelling waffles
and hearing my dad laugh and sing zz top and then hotel California.
i like hearing him try hard to decide between the sound of silence and the beach boys while sizzling bacon on the stove.
i like hearing my mom shuffle zombie-like into the kitchen and make eyes at the full coffee ***, and then at my dad- who lovingly filled it for her.
listening to their banter as my sunlight-filled-angel-kissed little sister wakes up and lathers butter on every last pancake.
i like being a part of them, being the bacon eater and the quiet listener, the new train of thought in this bright loud space.
i like more than just boys.
i like my life
and i do not need male hands
and my lack of sleepy bedroom eyes to define my life.
im worth more than the constant want of something i've never had.
my dad, the myth-busters enthusiast and pancake flipper is the biggest testament to that fact.
because of them i can never forget that i'm happy.

im thankful
for blankets, microwaves
and dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.
you say your thankful
for trees, air, sleep and turkey
and i say im thankful for my dog
and then you say your thankful for microwaves, too.
and then i say
im thankful for you.
and you pause-
then you smile
and you say
*and you too.

every night i wait for your goodnight
just so i can go to sleep
even though it makes my arms feel weak
with sadness
-because we sleep in different beds
-that i wont be able to talk to you again until tomorrow
and ill wait all day tomorrow
just to see you for 30 minutes
and sit next to you in silence
because we're different in person
im a different person
when you're around.

you've become my habit.
my searching glances for your face
strain for any emotional trace
there's now a sinking in my chest
where my heart used to flutter
i really think it would be best
if we put this love to rest.

why are you acting like a stranger?
we're stagnating, and id wager
that if you had the chance
you'd erase this fumbling dance.
erase it from your memory
and from history
why i'm drawn to you is a mystery.
we never really had a chance.

were so completely different
and i'm trying to forget you.
what more do you wish of me?
we never really had a chance.

i've been caring about this too much.
thinking about you too much.
but i don't love you enough
because i've never once
had enough spine
to consider your feelings
and confess mine.

don't take offense
if none was intended.
don't take offense.
let your feelings bend.
don't show defense.
let the issue end.
if you have anger.
no one has to know.
emotions create danger.
please let it go.
if no one else can cure it
don't let it show.
harsh feelings infect and spread
so no one needs to know.

-maybe your over-thinking, maybe your depressed.
maybe its anxiety, maybe its stress.
maybe its sadness or maybe its a death.-
hes withdrawn, acting like hes dead.
his eyes see nothing but he numbly nods his head.
im tired of worry i want love instead.
this boy is trouble, broken and distant.
this boy is confounding though my feelings are insistent.
i don't want to feel. i don't want to care.
his eyes have stopped seeing through their stare.
hes sick, mind and soul.
i want to fix him but at what toll?
he's addicted. challenged by his mind.
and i'm still ignorantly by his side.
how much of this can i abide?

everyone i know is having a hard time.
everywhere i go someones trying not to cry.
its like the world is ending and i don't know why.
every person i know is fighting to survive.
i've blamed myself and how stupid am i?
to assume that my happiness is being stolen from others lives.

forget me not?
no, forget me knot.
tied like a noose
around your neck
because you suffer
from every regret

as you enter my mind
i think this and feel left behind
because you look away
from my endearing glances
you kindly listen to my bold
romances
but im alone
in this entrancement
i need you like
i need to breathe
and you look away
like you want to leave
and it hurts
i want you to forget me
so tie a forget me knot around my neck
tighten it till theres no one left
death would be merciful
compared to this.

what if
the entire world
and everything we saw
was painted by angels
and there was a raffle every day
and the winning angel
got to paint the sunset

how can i entice any emotion
to give me hope in my devotion
because my love is like an ocean
and i pull at your fingers
and tug on your toes
but do you want to swim?
god only knows.
you said when at the beach
you must swim
so if my love is like the ocean
why haven't  you ran in?
i thought by now
you'd have let me win.

i want to send all of my poetry to you.
poems about you.
i want to send every love letter.
letters filled with you.
but i keep finding reasons not to.
i keep blocking myself off.
"i need to see his face when he hears this"
"i  have to be there when i tell him"
not online.
not online.
not online.
i want to see his face.
but.
roadblocks.
are they realistic?
you cant just send someone a thousand love letters.
you cant just tell someone, i wrote poetry for you.
about you.
roadblocks.
but see i cant even manage to be friends,
if i cant be honest.
and people who aren't even friends?
they don't see the others face on purpose.

if i can ignore you for just another hour or two.
id be happy.
if i could stop thinking about "us"
and if it'll ever be realized.
if i submerse myself into the world.
get **** done.
if i forget about your smile and the way you walk.
ill be happy.
because i know that if i struggle with my lack of you..
i wont be happy anymore.
and you know what you always told me?
to be happy.

you're naturally amazing.
im a collage of googled information.
you are musically talented.
i steal everything from Pandora.
you are easy going and friends with everyone.
i am afraid of social interaction.
sometimes, im even afraid of you.
you are the musical genius.
brimming with future chances at wealth.
and im me.
afraid of spiders, the outside world,
and shaking hands with people.
you don't even know.
how little i am compared to you.

i haven't ever felt this way
tired and lonely and scared and insane.
im confused and lost and ****** and nervous
im curious, insecure, obsessed and
in love
with a boy ive spoken to
less than id like
with a boy who is my companion
but only in my mind
i think of him everyday
i want to be near him
to share everything
but
does he want the same?
we speak every day.
about useless, stupid, unimportant things
i want so badly
to tell him evey nice, poetic thing i feel for him
to share my heart completely.
but
does he want the same?
i fear.
and i worry.
and i regret.
im made up of confusion!
how do we get from friendship-
to where i want to be?
 in his arms,
 for eternity.

ive written you so many ******* love letters
and i want           
 to burn                  
them all.
because i don't know
how you feel about me.
at all.
i wonder if you like me.
though we talk every day.
ive never sent a single letter.
because
your as unreadable as a brick
as strange to me as the insides of my bedroom wall.
like them, the only thing i see is whats on your outside.
outside you are this calm genius.
so wonderful and sad.
but inside
i do know
you have monsters.
demons and fears.
and my love letters
or my smile pressing against my ears
they cant cure insanity
or depression
which plagues you
much like im plagued
by my love of you.

I like you
Kind of in the way that I like broccoli
Sometimes youre almost perfect,
sometimes there's a bit too much cheese.
And other times..
Youre much too raw.

Maybe, I should just stop eating broccoli.

I think I regret more than I breathe
And i make my eyes stay wide
but then i can't see
And my throat aches so I sing
And Im lonely
And just plain tired
of being me

some people call me dense
or ignorant
but that's not it.
i'm deep.
so far inside myself
that i can't see.
the world from inside
is so unclear
i cannot understand reality
or anything i hear

sometimes my mind surfaces
a shade or two
and i gain some type of clarity,
so i can hear you
i can feel
in these moments
and its exiting
and cold.
like the world is so raw
outside my soul.
the harshness
of your cutting words-
i'm unprepared
and under dressed
for the real world.

feed me.
im starving.
i want your calories,
i crave your sweetness
but i run from your fruit
and your caress on my lips.
because i fear
that you will be insubstantial,
detrimental-
making my hunger grow.
i try to hide because
i do not know that im dying
until you feed me
and i hunger for more

inside of me
there lives a quiet secret
it could hold the promise of joy
the love of live, it could be my future
but that secret is behind a fortress
which i will not breach
it is wrapped up tight with reasons
which tell me why i should'nt reach
for my  open, honest, life filled soul
which im scared my secret could easily teach
me the answer of who am i beneath all my roles.

i keep a song in my pocket
and a smile in my eyes
and i fight every week
just to stay alive
I run. and i run.
to catch my breath.
to feel my heart like a bird in my chest.
i need fresh air!
to keep me alive.
i plan to live! not just to survive.
i need to sing,
the melody i hear
falling through my thoughts
like tears
and i feel, and i breathe
and i live, and i sing
and i will enjoy
every hour
of this fragile life i lead.