Why am I so afraid to **** myself?

She just wants to be loved,
To feel loved and accepted.
So she pushes away the people she loves most,
Tests their strengths and abilities;
"Whoever remains in the end", she thinks,
"Deserves my love whole".

Foolish girl,
You seek a bloodbath,
A war for others to fight,
To devour your shadows of insecurity.
No one will be there at the finish line,
No one can outrun your fear.
You will **** them all.

It's pumpkin season.

I'm alone in a cold house; I fill it with candles to deceive my mind. The room smells like fresh baked cookies. Oh, how I wish my house was a bakery! I would ****** stranger's noses with my cinnamon cakes, feed the bellies of my neighbors, and recycle the crumbs to the mangy squirrels. But my oven is imaginary and the heater is broken.

There is much in my heart I seek,
I don't feel much like baking.

I have learned not to justify life.
But am I okay? Why can't I simply be alone?
It's good to know somewhere, someone else feels this way.
Thank you humanity,
fluidly giving me comfort joys.

If I am abuse,
I am irrational,
And I am insecure,
Then you are a *******,
You are insane,
And you are unstable
To want to stay.

How I admire you,
You respectable women,
strong in beauty and dreams.
Fearlessly conquering settings and scenes.
Building strong walls,
Admiring fate.
You women who grab life by the reins,
And decide to keep going and changing the facts.
Making the history, eluding submission.
Day-by-day dedication to the vital health:
organs, *******, and hair.

Set your stage, you women of beauty!
Embrace yourself and love seamlessly .

She began by biting the bark off a tree

Mmm..headlines,
Aah...trade lines,
Oooh...glitter.

Secret lover,
Hidden in my dreams,
Why can't he be you?

Seamlessly you show me love,
Caress my heart with poetic brow,
Teasing my mind,
Endless philosophical pursuit.

And he doesn't see my pain as you do.
And he can't sooth me like the idea of you.
Hold me endless,
Poetic. Strong. Effortlessly Broken.
Why can't he be you?

I envy you.
You are unmoved by emotion,
Unfettered by your lack of clean underwear,
Unaffected by childish tears and sighs.
Able to numb rigidity through intoxicating brew;
Effortlessly escape to an alternate reality,
Filled with machine guns, a man jumping over turtles, portals of orange and blue.

I may speak, and you may not hear.
I may think, and you may not wonder.
I may seek, and you may not offer.
I envy your indifference,
Your reluctance to physical affirmation.

Minutes before the fall, I did not question love.  Passion heat spread, then exploded. Yet, the room began to chill, and the colors lost their luster; I was afraid in your arms. To be so much, but give so little. Why can't I nibble free?

Will my whole life be a constant conscious struggle, a battle between the emotional and logical? Is it safe to assume I am forever tortured by my conscious mind? I am constantly seeking my full potential-and when I feel I am close to knowing, somehow I lose myself-and I'm wrong or deeply disturbed.

Sometimes I want to be a bird and coo strange noises.

I'm certain of nothing.
I know nothing.
I am nothing.
And that is good.

Pinch me.
Play with my hair.
Read me stories.
Kiss my nose.

Let's Breakup! I hate this nonsense anyway. You say I'm drama, well, you're arrogant and cruel-and I'd rather be dramatic than an *** like you.

I hear the waves inside me,
My ocean peers into view.
It is frigid inside.

Eyes closed,
I take the breath,
And I am swept away by the breaker.

Engulfed by water I seek to find you.
Under the rock, you do not appear.
Beside the coral, you are not near.
Blended in the sand, you elude from my finger tips.

Why can't I find you here?

Wish you felt me,
Wish you cared a little more.

But you can't force feelings and you can't be in control.
What's gone is gone,
No point in resurrection.

I survive off heartache.
I am tempted by sadness.
Such things are goosebumps,
Such things are lights reflecting off the still water,
Such things are nights by the fire wrapped in quilt.

Peace found in love,
In emotional destruction,
In passionate aching.

What am I organically? Not simply, biologically.
What do I like without any preconceived notion or idea about something,
anything at all?

Don’t buy into it.
Don’t lose yourself by the ads, the images, the appeals.
It is here to make you pay for it-“you lack this”.
Of course you lack it.
“It” is man-made; it cannot be obtained.
No one can fulfill that, not one thing can fulfill that lack, that hole, nothing but yourself.
Give yourself that love, give yourself that nourishment, because those things, those images and stereotypes, they cannot, will not, give you satisfaction.
It’s a game.
*** has become a game, music has become a game.
In order to win the game, you must be the best.
You must play well, and you must have everything they sell you.
It is Competition; and it is killing us.

Only love for self-as we are, as we were born to be, can overcome the lack.
And the best thing about this love,
Once you live it,
Accept it,
Be it,
You drop competition.
And once you drop competition,
Suffering ends,
Wars end,
Hatred and negativity ends.

But humans don’t want to drop competition,
Because humans have adapted their minds  
To live in fear,
Because fear gives them something to do.
It gives us something to accomplish.
And this, this makes me sad.

I cannot remember how it feels,
to push hard pedals,
break fast from the training wheels.
To play in mud, chalk, and piles of sand,
attempting to conquer and rule imaginary land.

I forgot what the magic felt like,
between two people,
whom cherish one another with gentle caress,
subtle kiss on immaculate eye.

Where have I been the past 18 years?
What's wrong with feeling wrong this way?

I run,
a glimpse of you walking nearby,
I steady my pace.
Heart still palpitating,
I turn around.
A brisk walk,
Only to find a shadow of a boy.

Why won't you stay and sail with me?

Do you find it a curse to love me?
Feels like a burdened mule struggling up that hill again,
Layers of baggage, weight like stones.
I try to drop it; yearn for a better me.

Either leave me be or release this baggage,
Please.

You are empty and unwanted.
My quivers need fulfilling.
Millions of questions bustle in my mind,
And you unwilling to answer!
How do you stay?

It would be heaven to disappear,
From your smug silence,
And elude your vacant heart,
That twists my mind into nervous ticks.

You ugly, unwelcome thing,
Get out!

Belittle me,
Reduce me of value,
Don't admire my work,
Don't put in the effort.
Forget me.

Show me the face behind your petty mask.
Tell me why you don't mirror the same.

Such a desolate fate,
Driven by insolent oafs,
Though I am no better.

Incandescent fervor,
Merciless minds,
Constant remembrance of meticulous void.

Mindless opinions,
Pungent noise,
Ethereal existence,
General facade,
Contrived smile,
-hollowed.
Nothing good can grow here now.

Empty, ugly fate.
Burdened conscious.

Changed,
I sense it upon your silence.
Crushing me, I fade.

A quick spark and the forest is ablaze.
You run,
Jolted by fear,
You fall.

And you are consumed,
And you are in pain,
And you die with the flames.

Her eyes are rough.
I want her lips, I want to try them on.
Her curves look nice to touch.
Her hands feel open like the sky,
Cloudy, condensation in mine.

When tears fall from her face,
I want to pull her hair,
I want to push her buttons,
And squeeze her close,
And tell her she is beautiful.

I got caught up in the beauty and I lost myself.

In your doubt I am left, alone,
Alongside your battle of self identity.
I used to hurl flames at you,
Yet now you are the one to set me aflame.
Burning away our trust,
You devour it whole,
Leaving only putty ashes in my mouth.

In the stillness, we are reminded of pain, we are reminded of what was forgotten-mild, long ago. If we see the shimmer, we are embraced by the lingering bliss, and we can hear the laughter mementos, the pleasures that subsided. It is imperative that we forget our thrills.

My tears will accompany me tonight,
And they shall release all my poisons,
And they shall comfort me,
And they will fulfill me.

A trek into the deeper spaces,
Brings mind embraces,
And my embrace of you.
Heart thumping,
Jumping, pumping O.
Oh, the pains of this love,
The tugs and rubs.
The fluids turning,
Ourselves still burning,
As I am embracing you.

I'm going to explode.
I'm going to combust,
But I'm proud to do such a thing!
I'm proud to be alive!

Why does it have to hurt?
Don't tell me it's choice.
There are many things we have yet to understand,
And emotions are valid.
And it's fine that I ponder and ache.
It matters.

I'd reach for stars and bring them to you,
If I wasn't already squinting.

Sometimes, I want to befriend death.
Not to evade it,
But to watch myself suffer.

This is my passion,
And it harms you,
And if not you then another.

Can't you see?
Trying to change,
That would be I giving up me.

Delicate things,
And pretty flowers.
Special days with apple pie,
Cinnamon cakes and tea.
Warm weather,
Or a bit of a chill.

Comforting childhood,
Come at will.

I surround myself with books because people irk me.

I'm going to conquer my fear,
and live.

Heaven on Earth is a bathroom after a three hour car ride home.

Under the sun,
I feel no warmth.

Your absence;
A bitter chill,
As a serpent coiling around my body.
Tightening its grip,
Spreading the cold,
Leaving me naked.

I have polluted you;
Is it true-am I poison?
You were once so you,
So curious and strong.

I have teared your muscles,
I have thrown too much,
Not in any effort to make you weak.
But because I make my burdens contagious.

It is in the right to leave,
To break away from my disaster.

Your love was once warm.
Your mind used to fascinate me.
Your hairs were golden, bright, and soft.

Now your love makes me tired.
Your words pierce my heart,
As your mind rants in analytical jargon;
The "importance of logic".
I feel no warmth from you,
I see no sun in your straw hair.

I am empty in my efforts to fuel this cumbersome relationship.

I am suffering a sadness that weathers like a storm.
Only chills fill my release.
Smog, melt my mind,
Blast me away into the void of space.
Let me twinkle like a star,
Burning blue cool.

You govern the wind with your whisper,
Veiled by perception, you do not see.

Gusts blow,
Only in innocent cry do I answer,
There is no light here..

My tears direct the moon's volatile waves.
Upon luminous impact,
I will send you into a peaceful abyss.
Sensual and happy, you will transcend,
Leaving me here with nothing but your whisper, and shivers.

Oh, how I dream of becoming a medicine woman!
To live in the mountains under the precious stars,
Greeting people as I roam small towns,
Reading their  futures by mystical moonlight.
Whispering to trees and projecting unto the day what I want to get done.

What's holding me back?
I haven't the slightest idea.

It's okay.
The more you envy the photos,
the more *******,
the more negativity,
the more stupidity you are fed;
Because you are sautéd in a lie.

All these wonderful moments that surround,
haunt me and tease;
I am inspired by.