Why am I so afraid to **** myself?

Do you find it a curse to love me?
Feels like a burdened mule struggling up that hill again,
Layers of baggage, weight like stones.
I try to drop it; yearn for a better me.

Either leave me be or release this baggage,
Please.

Let's Breakup! I hate this nonsense anyway. You say I'm drama, well, you're arrogant and cruel-and I'd rather be dramatic than an *** like you.

I want to walk away from you.
I want to be able to drop you,
and not be phased by your cries.

I cant stand this anxious lingering;
this cringing inside me that twists my nerves.
My heart clings to the brightness,
and I want to die.

Give up, move on.
I want to torture you.

It's okay.
The more you envy the photos,
the more *******,
the more negativity,
the more stupidity you are fed;
Because you are sautéd in a lie.

Sometimes, I want to befriend death.
Not to evade it,
But to watch myself suffer.

I envy you.
You are unmoved by emotion,
Unfettered by your lack of clean underwear,
Unaffected by childish tears and sighs.
Able to numb rigidity through intoxicating brew;
Effortlessly escape to an alternate reality,
Filled with machine guns, a man jumping over turtles, portals of orange and blue.

I may speak, and you may not hear.
I may think, and you may not wonder.
I may seek, and you may not offer.
I envy your indifference,
Your reluctance to physical affirmation.

Belittle me,
Reduce me of value,
Don't admire my work,
Don't put in the effort.
Forget me.

Show me the face behind your petty mask.
Tell me why you don't mirror the same.

All these wonderful moments that surround,
haunt me and tease;
I am inspired by.

There are depths I seek,
Situate young valleys upon mountain peaks;
I am conflicted in the here and now.

Balance is electric,
I'm dancing with the eels.
Only clouded by my vision,
So hard to tell.

Walking home, I neglect I am alive. Accustomed to the mundane, the rich hues in the sky evade me. My insides weep to be awoken once more; dance in the depths and soar in the heights. My soul is asleep. My heart trembles where lovers once occupied; If only I could fixate on what is true.

But I am asleep.

It's pumpkin season.

I'm alone in a cold house; I fill it with candles to deceive my mind. The room smells like fresh baked cookies. Oh, how I wish my house was a bakery! I would ****** stranger's noses with my cinnamon cakes, feed the bellies of my neighbors, and recycle the crumbs to the mangy squirrels. But my oven is imaginary and the heater is broken.

There is much in my heart I seek,
I don't feel much like baking.

I run,
a glimpse of you walking nearby,
I steady my pace.
Heart still palpitating,
I turn around.
A brisk walk,
Only to find a shadow of a boy.

Why won't you stay and sail with me?

A sigh, transparent.
My body in chills, I crawl.

I chew on frozen pebbles;
Minding the dark,
I play with bitter fingertips imagined.

When the world feels smooth,
Like warm butter,
I gently place my fingertips;
To poke the tiny pink flowers,
That lay hidden in the field,
Waiting to be swayed by the wind.

I am suffering a sadness that weathers like a storm.
Only chills fill my release.
Smog, melt my mind,
Blast me away into the void of space.
Let me twinkle like a star,
Burning blue cool.

Under the sun,
I feel no warmth.

Your absence;
A bitter chill,
As a serpent coiling around my body.
Tightening its grip,
Spreading the cold,
Leaving me naked.

The vacancy that came,
When you left me astray,
Created a void:
Inadequate,
Unworthy,
Unwilling.

So delicately you came,
Untouched,
You left me.

I smother myself to feel,
To attempt,
To drive away the sickening and staggering of my heart,
In effort to present a spotless love.
A love without effort,
A place without clutter.
A lesson without burden.

A trek into the deeper spaces,
Brings mind embraces,
And my embrace of you.
Heart thumping,
Jumping, pumping O.
Oh, the pains of this love,
The tugs and rubs.
The fluids turning,
Ourselves still burning,
As I am embracing you.

Minutes before the fall, I did not question love.  Passion heat spread, then exploded. Yet, the room began to chill, and the colors lost their luster; I was afraid in your arms. To be so much, but give so little. Why can't I nibble free?

You are empty and unwanted.
My quivers need fulfilling.
Millions of questions bustle in my mind,
And you unwilling to answer!
How do you stay?

It would be heaven to disappear,
From your smug silence,
And elude your vacant heart,
That twists my mind into nervous ticks.

You ugly, unwelcome thing,
Get out!

Pressure builds in the valley,
The crevices of my mind.
Feeling alone in an occupied world,
I stand with the burdens and doubts that inhibit me.
Whether I hold on or let go,
The stress merely engulfs me.
I am stuck in a hidden place where no one can find me,
As I desperately seek an answer .

In the stillness, we are reminded of pain, we are reminded of what was forgotten-mild, long ago. If we see the shimmer, we are embraced by the lingering bliss, and we can hear the laughter mementos, the pleasures that subsided. It is imperative that we forget our thrills.

In your doubt I am left, alone,
Alongside your battle of self identity.
I used to hurl flames at you,
Yet now you are the one to set me aflame.
Burning away our trust,
You devour it whole,
Leaving only putty ashes in my mouth.

I have polluted you;
Is it true-am I poison?
You were once so you,
So curious and strong.

I have teared your muscles,
I have thrown too much,
Not in any effort to make you weak.
But because I make my burdens contagious.

It is in the right to leave,
To break away from my disaster.

Your love was once warm.
Your mind used to fascinate me.
Your hairs were golden, bright, and soft.

Now your love makes me tired.
Your words pierce my heart,
As your mind rants in analytical jargon;
The "importance of logic".
I feel no warmth from you,
I see no sun in your straw hair.

I am empty in my efforts to fuel this cumbersome relationship.

The situation proved unsatisfactory.
The moment I opened my mouth,
I knew I couldn't give her what she wanted.
The silence sought began to seep from my fingers,
And the glow of her face began to fade.

She's tired.

Changed,
I sense it upon your silence.
Crushing me, I fade.

Our paths drift,
We fall out,
You don't follow me anymore;
Because you want to live here,
And I want to reside there.

You prefer that story,
Which inevitably contradicts mine.
As I melt into anger,
You shine from excreted ember's hue.

You embrace the aches as I push them away,
You ride as I resist;
That is our fatal destination.

I'm going to explode.
I'm going to combust,
But I'm proud to do such a thing!
I'm proud to be alive!

Why does it have to hurt?
Don't tell me it's choice.
There are many things we have yet to understand,
And emotions are valid.
And it's fine that I ponder and ache.
It matters.

You govern the wind with your whisper,
Veiled by perception, you do not see.

Gusts blow,
Only in innocent cry do I answer,
There is no light here..

My tears direct the moon's volatile waves.
Upon luminous impact,
I will send you into a peaceful abyss.
Sensual and happy, you will transcend,
Leaving me here with nothing but your whisper, and shivers.

I'm sorry,
I frightened you.
I don't hate you.
I'm disappointed in myself for all the images I see,
That I cannot alter, or comfort, or change.
Because I'm afraid of rejection, expectations, and lack of feeling free.

My emptiness cannot comfort you entirely,
Yet I can show you of solaces beyond what one visually can see.

I will cradle myself till tears subside.
Though fatal the pain appears,
I will persuade myself whole.
If not today, soon.
It means more to me to let go of my pride than lose you.

It is time now-
To start respecting my empty void,
And mirror my love back to you.

I hear the waves inside me,
My ocean peers into view.
It is frigid inside.

Eyes closed,
I take the breath,
And I am swept away by the breaker.

Engulfed by water I seek to find you.
Under the rock, you do not appear.
Beside the coral, you are not near.
Blended in the sand, you elude from my finger tips.

Why can't I find you here?

I'd reach for stars and bring them to you,
If I wasn't already squinting.

Her eyes are rough.
I want her lips, I want to try them on.
Her curves look nice to touch.
Her hands feel open like the sky,
Cloudy, condensation in mine.

When tears fall from her face,
I want to pull her hair,
I want to push her buttons,
And squeeze her close,
And tell her she is beautiful.

Mmm..headlines,
Aah...trade lines,
Oooh...glitter.

Delicate things,
And pretty flowers.
Special days with apple pie,
Cinnamon cakes and tea.
Warm weather,
Or a bit of a chill.

Comforting childhood,
Come at will.

I'm not pretty to you anymore,
I'm not pretty to myself.

How is it that when I'm sad, happiness eludes me, and when I'm happy, sadness is not near?

She just wants to be loved,
To feel loved and accepted.
So she pushes away the people she loves most,
Tests their strengths and abilities;
"Whoever remains in the end", she thinks,
"Deserves my love whole".

Foolish girl,
You seek a bloodbath,
A war for others to fight,
To devour your shadows of insecurity.
No one will be there at the finish line,
No one can outrun your fear.
You will **** them all.

A quick spark and the forest is ablaze.
You run,
Jolted by fear,
You fall.

And you are consumed,
And you are in pain,
And you die with the flames.

One constantly thinks of lover,
In the breath she takes,
In the exhale that proceeds,
While mingling with flowers, grass, and toad.

Impishly, as though to whisper,
His name tickles her ear,
Begin the spasms to her inner sphere.

Yes! Unsullied Comrade!
Let her feed you sweet fruits,
Nestle your head near her *******.
Give her expert love with tickle of kiss!

She may be confined to impudent human,
But 'tis evidently true,
That she effortlessly does care,
And care especially for you.

I got caught up in the beauty and I lost myself.

Is it wrong that my thoughts turn me on?

Pinch me.
Play with my hair.
Read me stories.
Kiss my nose.

This is my passion,
And it harms you,
And if not you then another.

Can't you see?
Trying to change,
That would be I giving up me.

I paint the picture,
And I let it burn,
The memory more important,
Than picture in frame.

I survive off heartache.
I am tempted by sadness.
Such things are goosebumps,
Such things are lights reflecting off the still water,
Such things are nights by the fire wrapped in quilt.

Peace found in love,
In emotional destruction,
In passionate aching.