The cloudless day is richer at its close;
A golden glory settles on the lea;
Soft, stealing shadows hint of cool repose
To mellowing landscape, and to calming sea.

And in that nobler, gentler, lovelier light,
The soul to sweeter, loftier bliss inclines;
Freed form the noonday glare, the favour'd sight
Increasing grace in earth and sky divines.

But ere the purest radiance crowns the green,
Or fairest lustre fills th' expectant grove,
The twilight thickens, and the fleeting scene
Leaves but a hallow'd memory of love!

I used to dream of all the ways you could love me;
of all the hidden pieces of my soul that you could find
and bring to life;
of holding you forever.

As I dozed the warm rainbow of light my eyes met
played host to sunshine thoughts of you;
thoughts of us;
thoughts that melted the guards,
and shrunk back the labyrinth of my heart to leave it open.

And as I dreamt my eyelids fluttered to the beat of your heart;
as if caught by love's butterflies
my heartstrings played to your tune like a puppet:
Blinded by the cloudy fog of dream.

And as I woke, the morning desperate gray around me,
I found myself alone.
Brick by brick, waiting for the day, the wall returned.
I hide behind it's shadow,
in the cold and the dark,
between the moss and the cloud.

Darkness comes into me
But I should not frighten
For I am more pure then the light
The day may bring joy and delight
Night brings purity
Washing away the frantic lives
Silence washes through once busy roads
All is still and as one in the night when the darkness comes

I've always been told that I am a freak. Never anything else until my friends and my love showed up out of the blue. I am not perfect. I don't know why they care, but apparently they do. They are the ones who know most about the things I've done. My attempts, my pains, and my only therapy.

And everyone else that surrounds me claims they know me. Strong, independent, weird, a lover of poetry, and some say I am nice. Others call me a *****. That's not a bad thing... Ever heard of the golden rule? I act a ***** if you treat me as such. But those other things...
Strong... I am a ******* *****. I cried myself to sleep every night wishing, hoping that something, someone would **** me.
Independent... If I was I would be dead right now.
Weird... True, but only to mask the darkness I wish would shine through. My freakish nature is now just a bad habit.
Yes, I love poetry, but only because it is my escape, my diary. Reading it is my distraction. The words seep into me and give me a feeling other than my own.
Nice... I wish. I don't think I have the capability.

And some... Call me a liar. Well, this next chapter is for you.

How the hell do you know? The things that have happened to me, the things I believe, the things I have done, the things I almost accomplished. Why the **** would you care? Why in this "God's ****" world would I lie about trying to **** myself?
I came out because I am sick, I need help. That is soooooo hard to admit. I need help! I should have been hospitalized, but no. I kept everything hidden for months. I was scared specifically because I didn't want to be judged, sent away to a loony bin. I was scared that it would ruin my life, my work, my thoughts. Rob me of inspiration, stress would take over, I would be a ******* wreck! And it did. And I am.

I have taken a turn for the worst. I am trying, but if I need guidance, I don't know how.

I have started burning again. I am sorry.
I have started scratching again, I am sorry.
I have started biting the inside of my mouth again, tearing my cheeks apart. Love, you have probably noticed by now that I taste of iron. I am sorry.

Not sorry that I did it... No. Sorry that I ever stopped.
It doesn't heal me. It doesn't make things better, but there is something about pain that is seductive. Not as much as my lover is, no, but it calls to me still. Tells me I can confide in it. Tells me that I can show it my pain and hurt and will not be judged. Tells me that it will accept me because no one else will.

And that brings me back to you ******* who don't know jack.
You don't know me.
So why the judgement? Because I was ignored most of my life, so I don't know how to be social? Because I was bullied constantly for my hand-me-down clothes from an overweight cousin? Because I love literature from a time that I feel more connected to than now?
My friends know. They know because they get it, at least somewhat. They know my faults, predict my actions, offer solace. They saved me numerous times from falling down a well, gasoline burning at the bottom.
You haven't. Don't talk to me, don't give me that look, don't gossip about me, don't insult me.

You know why I did it? My parents ignored me, preferred my brother. My former friends were horrible people, using me. Rumors were constant because of people like you. Chemicals rotted, corroded, took over the place in my brain that made me happy. Stupid ******* diseases riddled my very being. I wanted it gone, over, done.
That was my last thought before suffocating and falling asleep. My last thought before I was about to finish my masterpiece and tie the final knot. My last thought before the buzz. My last thought before I read the name and lowered my hands.
The knots untied themselves. And I didn't even read the message before I let more of the acid tears escape. I survived, but I didn't know that I wanted to.

One thing in my life is actually good, but I can not get out yet. I can not move onto our island and buy a Tibetan mastiff. I can not fulfill the prophecy I have had many times throughout these past few months. Olivia, my daughter, won't come into the world yet.

I think it is happening again. my parents, the stupid, nasally voices blabbing about things they know nothing about. The chemicals inside my mind corroding me even more. And it has hardly gotten better. Help me escape or I will go insane. Or, at least, more than I already am.

Your fingers intertwined the hands of a broken heart, and your eyes stared into the soul of desperate girl
Your words made everything in me come back to life but at other times crucified me just the same.
Your legs chased me around the house, while smiling and making me forget everything outside those four walls
Your lips made me forget what anyone else's ever felt like
Your tears drowned me and filled me with every single bit of your emotions
Your arms held me while soaking your t-shirt because I just wanted us to be okay.
Your mind made me fall into everything we are like a black hole in the middle of something beautiful
You.
You made me everything I've always wished to be
And You simply are remarkable.

In the dream I had last night-
in between the ebbs of light
where nothing’s wrong and nothing’s right

someone died again.

They keep dying, in my dreams
the people that I love, they seem
to melt away by silver beams

each moon’s ****** vein.


I awoke with swollen eyes
and with breath that couldn’t help but sigh
relieved that there are no goodbyes

no more stinging pain-

but the darkness still remained
and of the morning sunshine I’ve been drained
because the knowledge that I’ve gained


That in my sleep, I’d killed them.

Im not sure I could say this
But you're my first love
New feelings, different feelings
Heart is beating, heart beating
Smile across my lips, you do this
Sparkle in my eye
So gently biting my lip
At the thought of you
It almost isnt fair
How can I be allowed to feel so much
When you see me not in the same light
What won't leave my mind
Is that indescribable feeling
That's how I knew you were different
I won't feel an emotion like this, I don't think
That's why it's the first love
New, intense, potent
Unrequited , quite unfortunate
My daydreams were and are of you
You, the boy with the sparkle in his eye
Head full of knowledge
And heart racing fast
Mind going wild, at thoughts of, sadly, another
In my heart remains a place for you
For this feeling I won't forget
The first intense, emotional love
Kept in the recesses of my not quite broken heart
My mind recalls the sweet, and that is what I know you as

You told me today
that now you're afflicted
but no re-hab required
it's to me you're addicted

Don't rush to your doctor
Just run straight to me
I'll relieve your addiction
and I'll do it for free

All I ask in return
is that you keep me booked
'Cause now that you mention it
I'll admit that I'm hooked